Fear

Watch this fear...the trickster trying to lure you in to panic. Watch this liar. Did you hear it whispering about killing myself... no point in living, etc? Lies. Did you hear it setting you up for fear of heart attack when you are making choices to heal? When things are good with Ryan and I'm home... telling me to panic that I might be dying? Lies. My soul says I'm fine. I'm always fine. Maybe I'm having integrations and upgrades to my system to help me on my journey here? Maybe I'm given the opportunity to face shadows? Either way, I'm fine. Thank you God! Listen Carissa. I love you.

Magnetism

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Yep. It passed after an hour or two. Talked to Ryan about it. He did pretty well... we had a pretty good conversation. He's getting better about talking about things like this. And he brought up good points. We shared ideas and conversation and it was lovely. He's hard. But I love him and he seems to be growing and I hope one day he'll choose to step into BEING the man that I know he is. Right now he resists (bucks) at most calls to be better... healthier, more loving, more responsible, etc. 

I want to wait on him... wait until 12/23/23 anyway and see where his head is at. I would like it if he would move in/share bills and responsibility for this home. Right now he's paying $250 a month to live and then paying his dad off $500 a month toward his trailer. That's it. And he brings home more money than me. And I have this whole house and animals and responsibility and I don't want to do it alone. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. I feel Ryan's love and our compatibility and today he invited me on a double-date in March. He's also said he wants to go to Ireland in April together. So it seems like he's thinking long term, but it feels selfish for him to leave all this responsibility on me. He likes the "dominant", "I take what I want" thing, but doesn't see how a true dom takes care of his sub... and how will he learn? A real man takes care of his family....provides for their needs in love. 

We'll see how it all shakes out. God is in control and I am along for the ride... learning so much.