Monday (the day before) was the day Ryan had day surgery to have a lipoma removed from his back in the hospital. I went with him and took care of him all day and I guess because of the drugs, he was very friendly and open and we had the most honest and beautiful time and talks. I wanted to document all the topics and lovliness... but I guess I've gone beyond that now... rolled over by a crazy yesterday.
So YESTERDAY not only did I get food poisoning (probably to punish me for my gluttony), but I found Ryan essentially robbing me of my klonopin. It was shocking (in a relaxed, super-neutral way).
The doctor gave him oxycodone for his pain after surgery on Monday and I didn't realize how quick it worked to bring him right back to his old drug addict days. You should have seen the way he was when I caught him taking pills... moving big heavy boxes which he shouldn't have lifted just to get down to the box with it in there... and he was so slippery and shiny and manipulative, trying all the tactic to get me to give it to him. (When I caught him, he handed them back to me.) When he first found out about them he begged me for one and I gave it to him but thought that it wasn't a good idea and I think he knew it so he handed it back to me and walked away. Amazing! But he kept it in mind, apparently. And yesterday, after being on those oxys, he remembered them.
What's nuts (a miracle), the way God just guides me in these things... God guided me to be at just the right place and time to catch Tyrone and Joe in lies too. It's wild. So yesterday I was worried about Ryan. I had slept at his house and had to get up early to go to work. At 12 or 12:30 when I still hadn't heard from him (I wrote him a message in the 10am hour), I called. He didn't answer and I got worried so I immediately left to come home home. I felt like I was just in a supernatural zoom... like in a flow... relaxed but on a mission. I can't explain it, but ... it's 11/1 11:11 right now!... but in hindsight it was fascinatingly magical.
So as I was turning into his driveway I saw his car at my house so I came over and I walked in and was looking all over for him. Somehow he didn't hear me and when I looked in the guest room (a strange place to look), he was in there. He said he didn't hear me... but how! Anyway, he had taken at least 8 and he handed them back to me. Then he asked me for them and I said no and he left and then he came back and he asked me again and we had a whole talk about it and it was interesting how he would waffle between angling at being nice and then firing off insults... trying to find the button. 11/1 11:14.
In the end I didn't give them to him. (He only wanted one, so he could have a "head change" because it was so good the day before and he likes how the drugs do that. This is addiction. And sad. Because he has such a great head but he's locked in there.) He sent me a message on Telegram but deleted it...
So as I was turning into his driveway I saw his car at my house so I came over and I walked in and was looking all over for him. Somehow he didn't hear me and when I looked in the guest room (a strange place to look), he was in there. He said he didn't hear me... but how! Anyway, he had taken at least 8 and he handed them back to me. Then he asked me for them and I said no and he left and then he came back and he asked me again and we had a whole talk about it and it was interesting how he would waffle between angling at being nice and then firing off insults... trying to find the button. 11/1 11:14.
In the end I didn't give them to him. (He only wanted one, so he could have a "head change" because it was so good the day before and he likes how the drugs do that. This is addiction. And sad. Because he has such a great head but he's locked in there.) He sent me a message on Telegram but deleted it...
The other screenshot was from my SirusJoy notifications that day.... NO COINCIDENCES. It was a miracle that I came home at all and especially at that time to catch him red handed. And it was a miracle that I was able to maintain neutrality and love and sanity.
So then was I dealing with upgrades, black magic (it was Halloween too!!), or what? To get food poisoning (or whatever) yesterday afternoon around 3pm. About an hour after eating that Jersey Mike's sub. Not long after finishing it... maybe 20 min? But it was bad. I vomited and peed and pooped and was sooooo sick... until about 7pm. And then I was empty.
I love Ryan. I hope that he has the ability to see himself and choose to overcome. This is his time.
And it's mine too. Is this what I want? I want our love. I want to walk with him as we both heal and find the best versions of ourselves. I am on this planet to evolve and living a cake-walk isn't the way to get there. I would love to be comfortable and happy, but I'm not sure that's what my soul wants. I mean... happy, yes...but I like the challenge and the growth opportunity. I think I can have other experiences too.
I have been feeling a lot of depression and sadness coming up lately. Hopelessness. Restless-but-want-to-curl-up.
11/1 11:23
So then was I dealing with upgrades, black magic (it was Halloween too!!), or what? To get food poisoning (or whatever) yesterday afternoon around 3pm. About an hour after eating that Jersey Mike's sub. Not long after finishing it... maybe 20 min? But it was bad. I vomited and peed and pooped and was sooooo sick... until about 7pm. And then I was empty.
I love Ryan. I hope that he has the ability to see himself and choose to overcome. This is his time.
And it's mine too. Is this what I want? I want our love. I want to walk with him as we both heal and find the best versions of ourselves. I am on this planet to evolve and living a cake-walk isn't the way to get there. I would love to be comfortable and happy, but I'm not sure that's what my soul wants. I mean... happy, yes...but I like the challenge and the growth opportunity. I think I can have other experiences too.
I have been feeling a lot of depression and sadness coming up lately. Hopelessness. Restless-but-want-to-curl-up.
11/1 11:23
___
11/1 1:11 (I also see 144 a lot and have been seeing 911 and some reversals of that 119.
Went to see Ryan who was weird and cold ... things left unsaid. Is it worth it.
I think I could invite Paul to be my roommate but why would I be a dog returning to her vomit. He is a user and stuck in his own world... wait. God will show me the Way.
Went to see Ryan who was weird and cold ... things left unsaid. Is it worth it.
I think I could invite Paul to be my roommate but why would I be a dog returning to her vomit. He is a user and stuck in his own world... wait. God will show me the Way.
Why won't Ryan hurry up?
Why won't I be patient?
Learn my lessons. Strength and self-sufficiency. Be my own masculine container. Thank you.
Why won't I be patient?
Learn my lessons. Strength and self-sufficiency. Be my own masculine container. Thank you.
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