Dumping

Happy birthday Davin!

Whyyyyy did I just have a snuggly, genital-rubby, super-wet-turned-on football watching (Bills vs. Eagles) evening with Ryan. (After eating cheeseburgers.) ??? I broke up with him this morning after him breaking my heart again last night and he accepted my breakup. We talked decided to be friends. Today he came over and helped me with my hay and hung out while I cooked - we didn't talk further about US, but I saw him flipping through his phone windows and one of them appeared to have what looked like the snapchat private message window open. If it wasn't snapchat, it was something like that. Could have been his "Plenty of Fish" account. He wouldn't let me see that one. And he deleted all the messages in the Snapchat one before showing me. It's just so sad. And that's not even the "heartbreak" from last night. That was sexual... I think we had a misunderstanding and he explained it this morning....but he is obviously ready to be broken up. He has been ready for a while. He's rejecting me. And I have to let him. I put the note on my fridge that he suggested - "Be humble, submissive, gentle, curious, respectful, and present". He didn't like the curious or present for some reason. He just rejects anything that makes me better. Jannelle sent me a photo tonight of myself pre-Ryan... or around that time... and I'm radiant. "The bad rubs off on the good ...always" is what Ryan says and his bad is rubbing... his anger, his swearing, his laziness, etc. He's got me NOT hanging out with friends... (though that's more me because all I want to do is be with Ryan). In some ways I'm better...maybe. I was thinking I might be more grounded...maybe focused more on the "earth experience" vs. the "starseed experience". Witnessing the addiction program in myself and Ryan and others. But... I could be with someone who treats me like a lady (which would go a long way in helping me to act like one... Ryan just ridicules me and tells me I am like a man. I tell him I struggle with it and he uses it against me.)... he's not kind. I AM working through childhood wounds - waiting for the breadcrumbs of affection. But he's not trustworthy - my trust is broken. He doesn't lead. We don't have love and prayer and growth and God and good things... I'm being taken to the dark side and it's not good. Poverty and lonliness and porn and ... but he loves animals and he helps me and we laugh together and have a great time and the best conversations and we help each other to grow...  I don't know what's right. But cheating on me with snapchat women and looking for other women when we are in a relationship is not okay. (Please note, when we broke up before, and partially after we got together again, I talked to a few men in the Pattern App briefly. I told them I was in a relationship, but I was divided and secretly looking for someone better. I don't know if there is anyone better for me. I mean... maybe someone easier, but Ryan is helping me to grow and experience things that my soul wants to experience (including loving someone like this and perhaps unrequited love... though I think he does actually love me, he just doesn't want to. His ego is in charge in that guy.) I am only in charge of myself. It's up to ME to be faithful, patient, kind, and do what's right. Stop swearing. Be thoughtful. Don't procrastinate. Care about others... and especially do what I say I will do (stop putting off Janice's website - THIRD rendition - gah!)! Back to work because I have to get to bed. Long day tomorrow again. ps. Le'Anna is such a loving and great friend to me.

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He doesn't care about his own health or mine (... just being thin... but he scoffs at my desire not to have terrible EMF poisoning... he put his phone under our pillow to sleep... he does that to himself every night. No wonder his brain is scrambled. And look at what's happening to me. I've let my spirituality and search for truth go. I'm not doing clearings or using the ES membership or the Ayla membership which I pay for... I'm just getting lost in the black hole with him. No. Ophicus is upon us. It's time for me to come back to myself. Love myself. Pleasure myself. Enjoy learning and communicating and dancing and other people. Ryan can ridicule all he wants. God bless him. God bless me. Carissa, come home to yourself. You are beautiful!

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Also, let's not forget the drug addict experience... coming home worried and checking on him after his surgery and finding him robbing me.

And now the cheating experience. Maybe not with a real person (yet), but shopping for people and interacting with many many many women. Having his sexual needs met with them and leaving me high and dry. This is the reason we don't have sex often...he doesn't need it with me.

It's just broken. I need an open-hearted and kind man to love and experience life with. That likes family and people and animals *(Ryan likes animals) and that wants to be better... who sees that ego and porn and addiction (and stinkin' cigarettes) and swearing is bad. I want a beautiful simple life.