Boundaries

An excellent gift from God talk with beloved Rosemary. We talked honestly and openly about Ryan and I asked for her help and input and wise council and she gave it. Helped me to recognize the importance of boundaries and self-love and helped me to see how important it is to be my own masculine container instead of being the needy sponge that I am that gives myself away, trades myself hoping that someone will cherish and love me in return. I keep doing that. What a strange pattern. 

Over and over and over. 

Ryan doesn't love or respect me. And frankly I've lost a ton of respect for him. Do I respect him? I feel bad for the depth and amount of miasma that he is swimming through in his life, but this is what he has chosen and he isn't choosing anything else. He wants to "live in his parents basement" (i.e. the trailer on their property)....he doesn't want to work, to accomplish things, to get ahead, to be motivated, to use his skills. He doesn't like people. He isn't interested in health. He smokes and wastes his life and health and money with that disgusting habit and he doesn't respect me enough not to smoke around me. Usually he will smoke outside or at the door of his house when I'm there so that's something...but it's not enough. 

He has held me hostage with my home improvement projects - telling me I'm inept and can't do them. Michael also wouldn't let me do it when we were together but that came more from a macho place, not a belittling/egoic place. 

I think about his penis and body... I'm physically attracted to him, even at 225... I felt like I loved his heart and love him, all of him. But I don't think we've had sex in a month now... I've given him a number of blowjobs but he hasn't returned the favor...and he knows I want to. Selfish. Entitled. 

The idea of Matt, even though that can't be and I can't even see or talk to him....but the idea of him can help me ... it can save me. Today I thought about him some more (when I was working at JoCo Worx)... I saw someone who reminded me of him and then later Seth said the name Matt (or maybe it was around the same time) and I daydreamed about talking to Bryant and Seth (I was standing between them at the time) about my crush on him. But anyway, the idea of a handsome man like him, who loves the things I do (plants and animals - maybe animals, I don't know) and people.... who makes me laugh... someone kind and strong that I am attracted to... THAT gives me hope and strength, I hope. 

Now I need to tuck in and lick my wounds and love on myself and figure out how to be alone. And let God lead. God, please lead. You know my heart. I don't want to experience this life alone... I want to do it with a friend and partner. A family. You know.