Why am I moving toward moving in with him? He will always be challenging, reserved (*reserving his love ...not for me... maybe for animals.... maybe reserving his affection for his chair or television)... I am trading myself for him ...to help him recognize his beauty. He really IS beautiful too. He has been so generous with me and others. He's funny and sweet inside and sometimes he lets it out and sometimes his demons snap it up.
He's been selfish from the beginning though... self-centered actually. He doesn't know any better. I'm too open and the opposite... giving and giving and giving.... I need to BE more self-centered. Work on my own boundaries and choices. Look at this beautiful world I'm living in and creating. Look at all my animal friends that I'm surrounded by.
My focus should be on my heart and my nest and embodiment and joy in all that I have. Look at my wonderful job, co-workers, friends! I'm blessed!
Choose my own path and if Ryan doesn't fit in it - if he wants to be a curmudgeon - so be it. He can be my friend and boyfriend...but he doesn't have to be my husband. I can enjoy him and all the lessons and distractions and all that it brings while I heal and love myself and wait for God to send me someone who will love me.
Also, big one, I need to take ownership of MYSELF. I keep waiting for someone to take ownership and responsibility FOR me. That's my job. I need to own my own diet, my own exercise, my own fun, my own orgasms, my own home and projects and future. Am I ready to OWN MYSELF???
Maybe I should try reading Dr. Kelly Brogan's book again now. This is where I'm at.
I just re-read where I said that I'm trading myself for Ryan... to help HIM see HIS beauty... but why am I doing that when I SHOULD be doing the same for ME!! THAT's MY job!!! Not him. Me.
Also, I want to note what a miracle and testament to God's hearing me that last night at 3am (or 2:22) I journaled about God stepping in to make sure it wouldn't happen that we/Ryan would get that puppy if it weren't in our best interests. I don't feel that now is the time considering Ryan doesn't have a steady job, he's non-committal on living with me so he'd have a rottweiler in that camper with his cats... it could be okay, they have all that room and the O'Malley's dogs...but she'd be in with that pack. He wants the puppy to himself.... was weird about me being her mommy... it would just be another variable in the dysfunctional relationship we are already experiencing that would ultimately probably
Also, I want to note what a miracle and testament to God's hearing me that last night at 3am (or 2:22) I journaled about God stepping in to make sure it wouldn't happen that we/Ryan would get that puppy if it weren't in our best interests. I don't feel that now is the time considering Ryan doesn't have a steady job, he's non-committal on living with me so he'd have a rottweiler in that camper with his cats... it could be okay, they have all that room and the O'Malley's dogs...but she'd be in with that pack. He wants the puppy to himself.... was weird about me being her mommy... it would just be another variable in the dysfunctional relationship we are already experiencing that would ultimately probably
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I got distracted... maybe with car sales... I'm proud of myself and had fun making an offer on a car that I wanted. They didn't take it, but it was fun!
Anyway... I wanted to say that it's AWFUL that I got a message from Nora this morning that the puppy we were going to get died. ("lost"... we lost a puppy last night they said)... so... that is so sad and I'm sorry that puppy had to take off the puppy suit.
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Anyway... I wanted to say that it's AWFUL that I got a message from Nora this morning that the puppy we were going to get died. ("lost"... we lost a puppy last night they said)... so... that is so sad and I'm sorry that puppy had to take off the puppy suit.
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Well, my new Chrystic Magic 8 Ball (who I specifically asked to ONLY give me Krystic guidance) said that it's in my best interest to remain Ryan's girlfriend. "Signs point to yes."
Why do I always want to run away?
Jut focus on myself and have a happy life and learn how to put up boundaries and make choices aligned with my soul and greater good. And have fun. And love. And don't worry. Let God lead.
Why do I always want to run away?
Jut focus on myself and have a happy life and learn how to put up boundaries and make choices aligned with my soul and greater good. And have fun. And love. And don't worry. Let God lead.
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11/11 12:32 am
Ryan just left. We had a nice night... talking about spiritual, religious, and scientific matters on my porch (after he supported me taking a nice bath)...getting pizza and watching Jeopardy....talking on his porch...watching a movie "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe" in our love-nest (his bed)... walking back over here and playing... nice...it's 12:34 on 11/11 right now...but we had a nice time (deep throat and sex) but didn't finish... he was going to vomit pizza... but we had fun...but then he said he wants to finish in my mouth all the time from now on and I didn't agree... I said maybe 30/70 and he said maybe 45/55... but he's so weird... so "takey". I said I'd try anal again if he would be kind and gentle and help me ease into it and he just resists all that. It's really hard... he just pushes back on everything and challenges everything. But at the same time he's come so far and is kind in a lot of ways. We watched a movie together in fact!! That's big. I did talk to him about wanting to be more "self-centered" and put up boundaries. I also told him that I thought that if he didn't adore me he should cut me loose and he said he had a lot of feelings about that but that we were moving in the right direction and he thought he had until 12/23/23, which he does... so that's that.... I need to just keep working on myself and love him and I think he is working on himself. Look at all he does for me.... just focus on that. And relax and enjoy life!
I got Janice's job done ... or mostly... today... and now just checked email and Ayla popped in with her new book files so I need to do that. Maybe Sunday? Anyway... everything is as it's supposed to be.
Ryan just left. We had a nice night... talking about spiritual, religious, and scientific matters on my porch (after he supported me taking a nice bath)...getting pizza and watching Jeopardy....talking on his porch...watching a movie "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe" in our love-nest (his bed)... walking back over here and playing... nice...it's 12:34 on 11/11 right now...but we had a nice time (deep throat and sex) but didn't finish... he was going to vomit pizza... but we had fun...but then he said he wants to finish in my mouth all the time from now on and I didn't agree... I said maybe 30/70 and he said maybe 45/55... but he's so weird... so "takey". I said I'd try anal again if he would be kind and gentle and help me ease into it and he just resists all that. It's really hard... he just pushes back on everything and challenges everything. But at the same time he's come so far and is kind in a lot of ways. We watched a movie together in fact!! That's big. I did talk to him about wanting to be more "self-centered" and put up boundaries. I also told him that I thought that if he didn't adore me he should cut me loose and he said he had a lot of feelings about that but that we were moving in the right direction and he thought he had until 12/23/23, which he does... so that's that.... I need to just keep working on myself and love him and I think he is working on himself. Look at all he does for me.... just focus on that. And relax and enjoy life!
I got Janice's job done ... or mostly... today... and now just checked email and Ayla popped in with her new book files so I need to do that. Maybe Sunday? Anyway... everything is as it's supposed to be.
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