Where is the Love

Not sure if Ryan loves me. I think he likes me as a friend and in his life. Today he helped me move 10 hay bales and move the burn piles (together so we can burn them at once). I spent all day with him hoping for his help there... but we also were just together, which was nice. We spent time with his family, he got to ride in Big Red on his maiden journey, we had 2 meals together, we talked, went to Walmart and got gas and cig, watched a Bills Game. It was a good day. He slept here last night. Yeah, it was a good day. Lots of give-and-take. He fed the animals tonight while I made dinner and we did his laundry. It was cozy. So what's my problem? No sex. No desire. He did have a hard on and we flirted when we were watching the game at his Dad's. But I feel like he's not attracted to ME. I think he likes that I like him and he thinks that he's handsome (which he is)... but he wants me to change. 

Two hard things. One, he said he still wasn't sure which way he's leaning - whether to be in a relationship with me or to be friends. He has no inclination. (I was trying to get a percentage to decide whether it's worth it to beg him to go with me to Thanksgiving. If he isn't going to be long-term, then I don't need to beg him... drag him to show him the places and people that are important to me. It's throwing my pearls to swine. But it sounds like we are still at 50%/50%. 

I mean, I don't even know what's right for ME. I'm waiting for God to sort it out. Because in many ways, Ryan is great... I am attracted to him, I like to be with him, and I like to do things with him and I like the challenge of trying to help him embrace his life. But that's also a sickness... I am trying to change him. I don't like (and HE says he doesn't like) that he sleeps all day... and we know I don't like his cigarettes. He says he wants nothing to do with my woo-woo or worldviews or thoughts on health, but when he gets a taste or when he's in a soft spot, he says that some parts of him agree.... so it gives me false hope, I guess. I also find it fascinating. I'm watching and learning about him, myself, and the world. So... we'll see what God says.

I guess I'll know when it's time to make a move. But in the meantime, SEE how I've painted a brush of disappointment over today thinking that Ryan didn't love me... but we ACTUALLY had a nice day together. So focus on that. Be GRATEFUL. Yes. It's time for gratitude journalling. 

I'm grateful for the beautiful day - the sun and leaves and crisp air.
I'm grateful that I got to spend so much time with Ryan today. And the dogs yesterday. 
I'm grateful for my warm and lovely home.
I'm grateful for my conscience and God and ALL the help my teams and guidance and friends provide.

I've got lots to do. I'm sorry! I've got to get back to work. I'm grateful for my jobs!