Truly over.

So... I am proud of myself for deleting "Jules" and I sent Ryan a nice note... my heart was filled with love for him. It IS.

I love you so so SO much Ryan James Daniel Patrick Gregory Gibbons Luke O’Malley! God bless you dear soul! ❤️🫶🌈💗✨💕

What a beautiful experience these 9 months have been. You inspired me to be better- to grow - to live and love and forgive and find my own strength and courage. I loved our adventures - our laughs - our great talks and walks and projects and meals and love nest and funny things like docking and the magical shared cum the other day - wow! I’m glad I was able to offer you some of your fantasies - bj for the ages, road head, anal, and all my love and commitment to serving you. It was a rollercoaster for sure, but in the end I am better, more loving, and grateful for all you’ve taught me. I love you so deeply and dearly. I’m praying you find the peace and fulfillment you long for. The Friday night “Recovery Alive” at Temple Church in Selma (where we went that time) helps a lot of people identify and surrender the baggage that is holding them back from an abundant life. I love you (if I haven’t mentioned it before, ha! Sooooo much!) 💋❤️

We talked when he got home. He straight-faced continued to lie to me about cheating... even when I said he came home and tried to set up a date with someone else. Eventually he said "do you think I was really trying to do that?" and he was belittling ME for being so STUPID as to think that he would be doing what he was actually doing. Sure he probably thought the photos were fake, but he was in pursuit FOR SURE. Anyway, it's just his M.O. to turn it around on me. Not take responsibility. He DID say "I'm sorry you think that I was trying to date someone else" or something like that. Not a real apology.

I did tell him that it was me who set up that Jules account. 

I also created my own Plenty of Fish account and have had a number of interactions today... most of which were sub-par. But I'm enjoying talking to Joe from Floyd, VA. He's nice and real. 

I hate that Ryan is rejecting ME...but it is what it is and he has to have his process and hopefully we'll come around to a place of peace. I pray that my love and acceptance helps him to crack into a place of truth and melt the walls he's put around his heart. But I can't submit myself to this anymore. And if he wants to withhold friendship, it is what it is. 

I can't be with a cheater, liar, and abuser. The way he treats me is not okay. "Get in the fuckin' car." He does not see or respect me. He does not love me. And even when he DOES get his "head change" and love or appreciate me for a little while, it's not sustainable. 

My heart is broken. None of these other boys are Ryan and it is SO SO sad to me. Why is he that way God? What can I do, God? Nothing. Let him go. That's all I can do. And FEEL the pain, sweet girl. 

Just now having a massive cry, thank you God. It hurts so much. I tried so so hard. 

It's got to be over. Stop compromising yourself. Feel the pain. Feel the lonliness. Cry it out. Take care of yourself.