When will I learn?

Just got dropped off by Ryan after going to Tandori Trail with him. (Gross. Third time there and it got worse and worse every time.) But he was a jerk. He was nice to me this afternoon and descended into jerk... worse than that... foul-mouthed, blame-shifting, entitled, bratty jerk. He isn't willing to look at himself and HE is the one with the Wonder Woman cuffs and mirror deflecting anything that is mentioned. In my case I just merely asked him if it's possible that he has any control issues as well. That really set him off. He's just not mature or honest much of the time. Sometimes he is and it's beautiful...but usually he is not. 

There are so many red flags and I keep making excuses. I just need to let this and him go. 

I can attract someone kind that wants to be with me. And I can't do that when I'm with him. 

He also put the nail in the coffin about Thanksgiving - big fat NO, and doesn't want to participate in our holiday "secret chef" gift exchange. He's not the guy for me. 

I love lots about him but there is someone who is better suited for me... with all the qualities Ryan has AND THEN SOME (the most important being WANTING to be with me, CARING about me, LIKING me.)... Ryan takes every opportunity to tear me down.

Today's "Pattern App" was so confusing because I can't tell if this is him to me or me to him (or neither). 

Either way, I've got to tap out.

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Also, note, he doesn't take care of me either. He does in some ways but he puts it off the same way he puts stuff in his life off. He's not motivated. I want a motivated partner... at least that likes to do things with me... but Ryan's been procrastinating on all my house projects that IF I hadn't put them in his court when I was buying the house, I could have (likely) paid someone and had them done right away. It's messy business. I was (am... was) trying to support him to step up in his life. 

But that's not my job. My job is to take care of me. And I need to cut the dead weight. I've learned a ton and am grateful for it, but it's time to put myself first. And my fur and feather family.

____

I need to talk to wise council and share this situation. I need to drag it out of the dark and into the light. I called Rosemary but it's not the time and I got her voicemail. 

I did the carnivore diet for one more day (yesterday) and failed today in the face of Deirdre's apple pie. Then we went to that Indian restaurant. I feel so bad in my body when I eat carbs. I feel so good in my body when I do the carnivore diet. DO THE CARNIVORE DIET.

FOR ME. 
FOR ME.
FOR ME!

___

Had a breakthrough understanding at 4:30am... Ryan DOES do that Pattern to ME... he keeps me on the hook and dependent on him to fix stuff for me and look after me. He is super critical of the way I take care of myself. Anyway... thank you for the clarity. Also woke up at 5:55! (Saw 15:50 yesterday and thought it meant something too.)