The Truth Will Set Me Free

Oh but where's the line between my responsibility to drive and my responsibility to ride? Ryan is awfully mean. He is still so stuck on looking for deficiencies in everyone else to make himself RIGHT... to feed his ego. His stories are always about how dumb and stupid and bad and wrong everyone else is.... his boss, Mr. Grey, who pays him generously and puts up with his attitude... and all he has to say is that he's "Mr. Magoo". Me, who loves him and tries to support and build him up, and all he has to say is how bad and wrong I am. He just wants to fight. This bipolar energy... he's in a down now... feeling anger or anxiety...some pinch that is making him mean and lash out. He's got different personalities... and this one isn't clear or kind. 

I don't know if it's my responsibility to cut ties and take care of myself or to wait for God to lead so God can do what God wants to do in both our lives? I think that Ryan has a lot of extra help from the Universe right now if he chooses to make some changes for himself/by himself... not me changing him, but me patiently loving him while he changes himself IF HE CHOOSES. But I fear that he's not choosing to change...he's nailing in the old ways... ego, substance abuse (I shouldn't have given him the whipped cream - he's still doing whippits), seclusion, and tearing others down. He's lazy and selfish (... I mean, he gets work done when he starts it, but he puts it off for as long as he can... just like he puts off going anywhere and being on time as long as he can... he doesn't take commitments seriously... and he won't wake up at a reasonable time unless he has to. He's just self-centered.) Tonight he said he's snuggling with his cat and he's going home to snuggle with his cat, knowing that I want to snuggle...that I was longing to see him. He's pushing the line to see how far he can go before he loses me. And I keep moving it back and back. It's not healthy.

Today I saw an IG about waiting for breadcrumbs from emotionally unavailable people and I am doing that and I need to stop.

I need to just own my own life, home, everything. Let him go. I WILL mess things up, but it will be okay, because that's how we learn...and that's what I came to do. Can I find the strength within myself to go through my own miasma. I watch the sludge he's moving through to accomplish stuff, but look at me... same sludge. God, help me. You are. Thank you.

I want to be with someone who loves and likes me and wants to spend time with me and build a life with me and do projects with me. Not one who is offended when I try to help because he feels like I second guess him... I understand that I have that energy that I need to clear....I don't need to "help"... but I want someone compassionate who sees my heart.

He's not the guy for me. He could have been if he chose me. But he's not choosing this path... and that's okay. And I don't want to choose the path of someone who isn't choosing me/us...so... it's just time to go our separate directions... I'll let God lead. There have been so many lessons.

Today I cried when I drove around picking up door prizes...went to 5 farms and it was incredible and beautiful and I felt so grateful! I also apologized to Crystal for speaking to her with the tone that I did. I want to be kind and to be forgiving and authentic and I want people to know that I care about them. I want to call people out on their strengths, especially to other people. I want to be LIGHTHEARTED.

Thank you, God, for my friends. Help me to be more present, loving, patient, and a better person. I want to be graceful and faithful and kind. Amen.