Welllll... yeah, fuck

2:37am It took a while to fall asleep anyway as I was amped up and it's a full moon (11/28), but I finally did and then Moses woke me to go out side at around 1:19am and I made the mistake (or not) of checking that POF platform to see if Ryan wrote to Jules. Yep. He had signed off 19 minutes prior... so he did his obsessive hours of writing his message to her... but he wrote.

Before I share what he wrote, I want to note, if I didn't in my last post, that we unquestionably confirmed that we were, indeed, back together. He also said that he isn't a cheater or doesn't cheat. He says how honesty is so important to him and he spent that month or so trying to convince me that I'm a liar. And I tried to feel into it and learn and be more honest. Thank you God for the lessons.

"thank you for the lessons, fuck you for all the abuse, I will birth new life from darkness, like I always do." - Nahko (and Carissa)

My body is hot and buzzing and I do have acid burning through me. I'm upset. 

12:56am

Ryan - Oh I think you could find a Yankee every bit as charming and personable a a southern gentleman. (kissy emoji) Good for you for getting yourself back out there! You're far too beautiful to keep yourself on the shelf. (heart eyes emoji) Appreciate the honesty and am all for it!! Those ladies are close family friends from Tennessee. She's old and has some health issues but she's still hanging tough. You're very kind to ask. (smiley emoji) Who's the lovely lady in your provocative pics? A friend, maybe a sister? As of late, i like to take trips and have adventures. Hit the mountains, drive to the coast. Check out all this beautiful state has to offer. For years my fun was finding nature trails to take my dogs for walks. They were my whole world. It's so nice to hear that your little pom pom is so near and dear to your heart and brightens your world. How old is your little girl? Sorry today didn't work out but hopefully we can get together on Friday or over the weekend?

And that's that.

Looks like he was online an hour ago, so about 1:45 and saw that I was too... probably saw that I read his note. 

I'm not sure what to do... probably nothing. Probably let it hang. I thought about setting up a date with him at Bojangles, which he refuses to go to, so I thought that would be funny... but it's not funny to keep fucking with him... and his heart is involved and I don't think it's nice to hurt him (anymore). It will upset him if she doesn't write back, but I was in this to see what and who I was dealing with... and I see.

Ryan is selfish, a user, an abuser. An egotist. A loser. 
I was going to list all the bad stuff but I have blocked most of it and I have some of it in writing and voice notes... so many tears and heartbreak... and it DID help me to grow, and if I play my cards right... FEEL into this for myself, I will grow and be stronger as a result. My soul wanted to experience this, so here it is. So feel it. 

Physical abuse (throwing me from the car in NJ), drug abuse & robbing my house/benzos when on drugs, cheating (over and over...despite being caught), porn addiction, not choosing me. Definitely not loving me because he doesn't love himself. He liked the fact that I loved him and he took what I gave and gave what he felt and DID stretch himself and grow. And bless him. But he has a major dark night of the soul and breaking of his ego and shell that has to happen if he could be a good partner. And that's not going to happen fast, if at all. He may not choose it. He talks about suicidal thoughts and I pray, God, please help him...keep those from him and help him to choose life and health and I pray for his happiness and peace. 

Please help me, God, to be strong and courageous and loving and to do what's right.

Feel this first, Carissa, before you go dating other people. Feel this. Learn. And find your own strength. You got this!

It's 3am now... I need to get some sleep. Please.