So we talked and then we argued and then he left and then I cried and then I got mad and went over to talk to him and then we talked and then I started to really want to look at all his POF interactions and then he wouldn't let me and then we went to walmart and for food and I kept begging and then we ate and then he gave me an ultimatum (I could look at it if I wanted it to be over with him - the POF or him? I chose the POF (not really thinking he'd cut me off)... but he did...and then we talked in the car and he got really dominant-y and kinda scary sexy and I got turned on and then we kissed and then he left.
They weren't bad. More of the same thing. Coming on to someone "you've got beautiful eyes and smile, blah blah'. He tried to make a date with at least one more, maybe more. But there weren't a ton of interactions. But I feel better seeing it. He didn't think I would, but I do.
And I love him and I think we're working through more layers of trust. I'm not done yet. Dangit.
And I met a really nice man (who lives really far away - in Virginia) today on POF. Jonathan. I like talking to him.
But Ryan is my guy... unless he chooses otherwise. And he may be doing that. He's not sure yet... he's scared of going over the cliff (his analogy). And I feel and see all the struggle in him. And he's not sure if he can be attracted to me and that's important to him. I think we need to keep working at being healthy, doing the diet and need to start going to the gym. (Get my butt muscles working.)
I told Rosemary, Kelsey, Jennifer and Corie about Ryan's cheating... and now I need to smooth that over. We'll see what happens. I told Ryan that I wanted to keep talking to Joe (from POF...found out his name is actually Jonathan). I don't want to be cheating on Ryan either... but like my new friend. He's fluffy and friendly.
I told Rosemary, Kelsey, Jennifer and Corie about Ryan's cheating... and now I need to smooth that over. We'll see what happens. I told Ryan that I wanted to keep talking to Joe (from POF...found out his name is actually Jonathan). I don't want to be cheating on Ryan either... but like my new friend. He's fluffy and friendly.
Ryan and I talked more about dominance and submission. He doesn't want to hear about it from me. God, please show him what he needs to see. I sent him the Humbled Females information.
Let's see what's next. Sleep I hope. It's cold outside!
Let's see what's next. Sleep I hope. It's cold outside!
ps. I really do think Ryan and I are working on reversing the 911 timelines... 11:09 the last two days. Including when I sent myself back a message from his POF account so that it opened it up so I could message him there. (He was going to flag me to get me off!)
___
Lovely time today with Ryan. We snuggled in the love nest (all dolled up like a king's palace to keep him warm for the winter). We shopped for heaters for his house, we went to the gym, Le'Anna came over and we had a bite together with her and then she cleaned and I dolled myself up for Ryan - makeup, heels, the works. I looked good. I like looking pretty! Ryan and I did more shopping and then ate and talked (great talk... truthful and foundational stuff) and we had great sex... we are figuring it out.
Me supporting and submitting to his leadership feels really nice. I have a lot of work to do and it's late! No way! 11:09 again! Clearing 911 timelines....and I saw 11:11 again this morning. Did I tell you I saw 11:11 and 11:09 yesterday too? Anyway... I'm happy and hopeful. He said he's all in. No more lies - straight up. And he seemed to encourage me to go on POF to look at women because they are all libras, lol. I may go on to tell Jonathan I want to be his friend...but we'll see. I don't want to cheat on Ryan. I know that he's the guy I'm supposed to be doing this work with right now... we are healing and getting better and better together.
Me supporting and submitting to his leadership feels really nice. I have a lot of work to do and it's late! No way! 11:09 again! Clearing 911 timelines....and I saw 11:11 again this morning. Did I tell you I saw 11:11 and 11:09 yesterday too? Anyway... I'm happy and hopeful. He said he's all in. No more lies - straight up. And he seemed to encourage me to go on POF to look at women because they are all libras, lol. I may go on to tell Jonathan I want to be his friend...but we'll see. I don't want to cheat on Ryan. I know that he's the guy I'm supposed to be doing this work with right now... we are healing and getting better and better together.
Okay, I sent a note to Jonathan. He seems kind and innocent and hopefully we can be friends. Is that stupid or bad? But I really like him as a person. So... we'll see. I just get good vibes from him.
I've got to work!!
I've got to work!!
ps. I just paid off the Lowes credit card (over a 1K balance. Stop using that.)... and the minimum on my other credit card balance. I have 2200 left to pay off on that and I need to do it... and then I can start saving for a phone and car. Prioritize paying it off.
pss. Ryan looked at the Humbled Female stuff and he said it just seemed off somehow and I so appreciate his perspective. He feels like we shouldn't be looking outside ourselves to these other people to program us... that we should figure it out for ourselves. I freaking love that!
pss. Ryan looked at the Humbled Female stuff and he said it just seemed off somehow and I so appreciate his perspective. He feels like we shouldn't be looking outside ourselves to these other people to program us... that we should figure it out for ourselves. I freaking love that!
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