Read the Bible

Read the BIBLE... the WORD... take it as COMPLETE TRUTH.... don't lean on my own understanding.

What does it say about sin?

Forget what I've learned... forget what others are saying. What is GOD saying?
What does GOD want me to do?
Read only "safe" authors that I trust.... who do I trust now?

• Watchman Nee
• A.W. Tozer
• K.P. Yohannan

Get in the Word.
Be still. (Ps 46:10)

BTW, just got back from synagogue... verrrrrry interesting stuff... Shabbat service.
I'm tortured. Conflicted. Need guidance from the WORD- not man.

What am I confused about?
Is it really about "earning" my way into heaven? I don't think so- I think it's about OBEDIENCE and RESPONSE to live as God outlines in the Bible as the Holy Spirit moves and guides me.

I need to find out what Wexford is all about- IF those people are, indeed, being led by the SPIRIT OF GOD- the Holy Spirit and letting JESUS live through them.... or are they deceived? Maybe we are ALL deceived. God, please show me the TRUTH.

I must live a life of responsive obedience that is NOT about me. I must turn from my selfish ways, take up my cross and FOLLOW YOU. I must tell everyone to repent and believe! Once they are Your children, then YOU will sanctify them in Your time.... You will call them to obedience.

You are calling me to complete obedience now. But when I try to do anything on MY POWER, I FAIL. I get ahead of You (or rather, I TRY to get ahead of You). I am nothing. You are everything.

I don't want to follow an anti-christ or false doctrine. I want to follow YOU, O Lord!! Show me the truth.

Isn't it USEFUL to have these "seeker-sensitive" places of worship or is it adding to the "lulling people to sleep"??? Are we telling them to "Just come in and be comfortable and take your time in seeking God?" Where is the sense of URGENCY? How can I UNITE with those who aren't completely sold-out for you? Who are complacent or lukewarm (which is what I am now!!! Is this why???)??? GOD, TEACH ME. HELP ME!!! I will have to give up everything... no one will like me if I tell them this truth. IS THIS THE TRUTH?!! YES. I [fear] it is. I TOLD YOU the other day that I give you my whole life, no matter the cost and I acknowledge and "burned" [gave You] my FEAR.

OH LORD.
Lord, God, THANK YOU for loving me enough to open my eyes to the TRUTH. PLEASE show me more of the truth... the real, whole Truth. I want to follow the Way.

Amen.

PRIVATE

I just made this blog private. Why will I bother continuing to blog? WILL I continue to blog?? Maybe... as the Spirit of God leads me. We'll see ...

What I DO see...or hear (as it were)... at 3:33am is that I have displeased God. I am seeped in sin... gluttony. After a successful and Spirit-filled 40 day liquid fast, I am now on day 5 of off-boarding and in the 4th day of gluttony-illness-hate-myself fest! I am NOTHING if I am not being obedient to God and I am not able to be obedient to God except through the power of the Holy Spirit. I am being disciplined and as I was journaling I felt convicted that it was because of my Pharisaical (<-- I might have made that word up) behavior in posting (essentially BRAGGING) blogs about my fast. I felt like I needed to get out of my warm bed and come down and take the blog down immediately. So I did. I took the whole thing down. down. down. Locked'er up so that only I can see my posts.

Lord, PLEASE redeem me once again! PLEASE FORGIVE ME! Please come back, Father God, hold me close.... hold my hand.... send the Holy Spirit to teach me and anoint me and use me to glorify Your HOLY Name!! I pray to be transformed into a child that exemplifies (and shines the love and light of) JESUS!!!

Help me to live by your Word. Keep showing me the truth. Please don't take the understanding that You've given me away!! Please cleanse me of my sin - my iniquity!

What does that word MEAN? I've been meaning to look it up for weeks now... Ah: Iniquity -

gross injustice or wickedness; a violation of right or duty; wicked act; sin. (Synonyms =  evildoing, infamy, depravity, knavery.)

I love you Lord.
Thank you for saving me. For choosing me. For Secret Church (tonight) and Journey's Good Friday worship [soaking] service! Thank you for allowing me to be a part of it (and for doing all the creative work on my behalf- design, etc. Your yoke is easy and Your burden is LIGHT! HALLELUJAH!!!)!!

I'm so tired that it just took me 20 minutes to write this 4 minute brain dump. Gooooo tooooooo BEDDY BY! Jesus loves you!! (me)

Holy God, THANK YOU for Jesus! Help me to do all things in remembrance of Him ALL days. Thank you for sending Him and giving me life now in the time where I can have a RELATIONSHIP with this LIVING Savior through the gift of the LIVING Word because of the LIVING Spirit which You have made a way for me to have LIVING in my heart/spirit through the incomprehensible spiritual gift of LIFE through Jesus atonement for my sins on a cross! Inconceivable!! Amen

The Fast is Over

I don't have the time or gumption to blog about this right now but I wanted to just tie a bow on this whole "Fast" thing. The first post in this list, "Miracle", was actually the last one I wrote...so check that out.

My fast ended on Monday, April 18th at 6:30ish and I ate a half an apple for my first food. It was anti-climactic. I have gone downhill since then... I ate a cashew (that I had been dreaming about for weeks) on Tuesday night (despite the fact that I wasn't supposed to eat nuts, oils or breads for at least 5 days). I have now been gorging myself on whole wheat melba toast and matzo crackers and tomatoes with olive oil and salt, kashi cold cereal, vegetables, fruit and whatever "healthy" stuff I can find ... but I'm STUFFING MYSELF....and today (day 4 of off-boarding) I want to HIDE from God.

I'm filled with shame....and sin.... gluttony...

The [food-addiction] monster has been awakened in me and it's bigger and more out of control than EVER and I HATE myself!!!!!!

I shouldn't post this. I know I shouldn't. But it's real. If I'm gonna put the rest of my garbage on the internet, I'll put this up there too. I'm so quickly coming undone...falling apart....and this is my cry for help.

I'm about to go get those darn TJ's ice-cream sandwiches (and I haven't eaten sugar since February)... I want SMORES tonight. I want want want to fill fill fill the void void void.

I'm out of control and out of touch and I want to CRY.

By the way, we had a TORNADO go through my neighborhood and backyard on Saturday (4/16). I should do a separate blog on that some other time. I'll just tell you that this MAY be playing into my emotional distress - it was a very big deal for me.... but like I said... I'll do a separate blog.

I need to go shopping. Gonna make a blueberry pie for Le'Anna's family.

Love you.
Thank GOD that He loves ME despite myself.
I have to repent of my sin... I have to pray.... UGH.... I want to want to pray.... I'm a mess. :(

The Fast: Day 34... minus a half

I'm adding another day... or most of another day. This means that my fast will actually end on April 18th at 6pm instead of April 17th.  I have Lifegroup on that day, so I won't actually be able to eat my first meal until afterward at 9:30pm or something.... or maybe I'll take my first meal with me... I don't know.... I don't want to think/care about it yet! (FYI: My first meal will be a piece of lettuce or something- ha! I shouldn't be THAT excited. I don't think there's gonna be much to get excited about until I can eat cashews on day 5 or 6 of offboarding from the fast!)

I digress.

WHY this change of heart about the "end date"? Well, I have been "convicted" (feeling slightly guilty) about counting the first day that I started my fast as a whole day since I actually started at 6pm. TWICE I've heard someone (I think it was my brother both times) say that I am fasting for "40 days and 40 nights" and each time, I feel a little more convicted. So at some point in the wee hours last night I decided to give myself peace and eliminate all the footholds of the enemy and just do this thing RIGHT. What's another day? Nowwwww, I KNOW that I sound all "legalistic" here, but that's not what this is about. This is between God and I. He asked me to do something, and I've got to do it wholeheartedly and RIGHT. Who skimps on orders from THE GOD OF THE UNIVERSE???? (*a hem* - apparently I do.) But He, Graceful and True, has given me a second (third... billionth) chance!!! THANK YOU JESUS!!!!

So. Yeah.
Now that THAT'S off my chest.....
I am doing WONDERFULLY!! God has FREED ME of SO MANY LIES and the BONDAGE of the enemy during this time!! I was SO DECEIVED and headed toward the path of DESTRUCTION!!! (I sound so dramatic that it seems that I am making light of it... and I kind of am... but this is serious stuff.)

I think it started in February. I started to get sooooooo spiritual (hear: sppppiiiiirrrrrituuuualllllll) ... and I decided that I shouldn't live for myself, but that I should let the Holy Spirit live through me... [stay with me here]... so I started to get passive.... I started to just wait on the movement (voice, prompting, etc.) of God to tell me what to do. In that time of waiting, I inadvertently allowed evil spirits to come in and deceive me into thinking that they were the voice of God and I started to follow them. This happened subtly, yet quickly. Evil spirits counterfeit God. I won't get into the whole thing, but they had me experiencing LOTS of "supernatural" phenomena and thinking that I was miss spirituality because I was letting God work through me.

Now listen. I know that God works through His children... but He requires US to work WITH Him. He doesn't want us to just be passive.... to sit back, relax, and let Him do the work.... He wants...needs... CO-LABORERS. I needed to keep doing the last thing that He told me to do... not seek after MORE / different things to do... He is training me... building up my endurance and patience and He has given me lots to keep me busy! I just wanted more... different... faster.... whatever.... but whatever it was, it was ME driving the boat, and eventually Jesus stepped off! (Not really- I just liked that illustration! :) My Savior is always with me- He lives IN me through the Holy Spirit!)

Anyway.... God is beyond wonderful! He is answering my prayer to create a clean heart and renew a loyal spirit within me. He is answering my prayer for spiritual wisdom, understanding, and discernment. On TOP of that, He is teaching me more about who CARISSA is....or who I could be... giving me the glorious glimpse of who He made me to be!!

I don't want to get TOOOOO excited about this, but I am only a week and a few hours away from ending the fast! Yay!! It's been 5 weeks and I am ready to be done! (Have a mentioned that my dog's food is soooooo tempting to me???)

This 3-week retreat to the mountains is also coming to an end in a few days. I have been so blessed to be up here! It's been such a treat... so restful... I've slept lots (9 hours on average! :)) and had lots of baths... and read lots... and taken some nice walks... and attended two cool mountain churches... and I sit in awe of our Creator's handiwork which He is showing off in MAJOR proportions up here (clouds, mountains, trees, stars, etc.)! I head home on Thursday and am looking forward to stopping and spending time with my sister and her family on the way home. I'm also really looking forward to the gym. Is that weird or bad? I miss the arc trainer! I miss worshiping at the gym! (<--Not to mention that I want to keep this momentum and get HEALTHY for reeeeeal!)  Friday I have a hair appointment with my dear friend, Bekah who I haven't seen in forrrrrrever! Saturday is going to be riiiiiidiculous with the amount of stuff I have to do - carwash fundraiser for Japan relief (thank you Brittany for organizing that!), makeup "Missions Class" with Mark Harvey, then the Shane & Shane concert with my sisters and Le'Anna (and I will still be fasting, so the Lord will be my strength for SURE that day)! But it all culminates in a day that I've been looking forward to for weeks!! SUNDAY is ARISE AFRICA Day at Journey!! I cannnnn't wait to see Godfrey & Joy Wanamitsa who are coming from Uganda....and to see (and HUG) all my friends and to WORSHIP!!!! (I'm getting so excited and it's still a week away! ha!)

Okay... I'm babbling.
TTYL!

The Fast: Day 31

Okay... just announced and committed to "unplugging" from Facebook. I think I'll keep that up until I get home (so a week).

Had a great walk with God and Rue today (upper Panthertown). God showed me some awesome things! I am still torn up about what I post on my blog... I don't want to be a Pharisee, so I think I need to keep MY thoughts/ what God is telling me to a minimum....so I guess I'll leave the things that God showed me in my journal.

I want to SHARE with people... but I can do that through the relationships that God puts in my life... my real life....

Still wrestling with the enemy and flesh about trying to be "thin"... disappointed that I'm coming to the end of my fast and I haven't lost weight... I HOPED to lose 30 or 40 pounds (I know, that's ridiculous, but I have 50 or 60 to lose). I MAY have lost 10 or 15, but I've lost lots of muscle and strength. Yeah.... okkkkaaaayyyyy.... you convinced me! Let me share this thought-trail from my walk with God this morning:

"God has a plan. REST in it. Walk with Him - don't STRIVE - don't TRY to be something or do something (i.e. lose weight) - just RESPOND. He has asked me to do this juice/liquid fast and besides that He has transformed my taste for the things of the world - I don't have a taste for chemicals, fillers, etc. I actually LOVE to eat healthily. Yes, I like some garbage too, but the Lord is training me away from it (i.e. the ice cream sandwiches from Trader Joes :)). He also gave me a love for the gym... and a desire to HONOR God and respect my future husband by how I care for myself. Walk in that."

I really love the last sentence... it's the HEART of [my pending] transformation!!! He gave me a desire to HONOR God and RESPECT my future husband by how I care for myself. Walk in THAT!

Don't strive. Respond.
Don't crave. Partake in the FEAST the Lord has already provided!
Walk in the spirit, obeying the Holy Spirit at all times.

Oh, okay, ONE MORE little tid-bit from my thoughts from my walk:

"In order not to be ruled by my flesh or soul (sin & self), I must constantly put my spirit first.... when my mind is idle, I think on worldly things (i.e. worries or obsessions such as my stupid body). THAT is why we should MEDITATE ON (mutter) scripture.... to put/keep God's thoughts in our thoughts. REPLACE worldly thoughts with praise, prayer, and scripture."

Health-wise
After my panic attack, I started drinking lots of juice... including lots of organic vegetable juice (like V8), but they didn't have a low-sodium version that didn't have sugar and other fillers in it, so I'm drinking the full-sodium version and it is messing with me some. I'm very puffy. Also I must have a slight allergy to something in it because my face is blotchy, swollen, and dry again. Oh well. I do feel less susceptible to the enemy's attacks when I have more strength in my body but I can't help but wonder if that is GOOD... or if I should allow myself to be weaker so that I can be trained faster??? I also wonder if I'm having as much clarity as I COULD have if I were to be weaker in body? <--- as I type this, I see that this is the enemy trying to trick me. God has been incredibly GRACIOUS in all He has been showing me! I actually can't wait to get back to "real life" to put it into practice.

My BIGGEST [recent] revelation comes from Luke 14:33 "You cannot be my disciple without giving up everything you own."

GIVE EVERYTHING!!!!!
(This is the solution to my selfishness!)

I only have 5 more full days here so I need to make the most of it. Gotta go. Love you! :)

(April 8, 2011  2:03pm)

The Fast: Day 29

I don't know what to do. I now realize that I am a Pharisee and I should not be blogging my private offerings to God (prayers, fasting, etc.).... so now what? DELETE them? Maybe. I have a few more days for God to show me what He wants.

"Watch out! Don't do your good deeds publicly to be admired by others, for you will lose the reward from your father in heaven." Matthew 6:1

I feel like in a way, He likes me being transparent and open like this so that people can learn (and so that I can remember).... but that's making it about people and/or myself and that does NOT HONOR HIM. Ugh.

Quick revelations and then I've got to get off this computer:
1. I'm a Pharisee and what sorrow awaits the Pharisees! (Luke 11:42)
2. God allows spiritual attack to strengthen me and teach me how to use the authority He has given me (Luke 10:19)
3. I strive. I do things because I think I should. I don't have to do anything. I just have to wait on God and He will do them for me. Today I wanted to call someone to ask them about warfare, and God reminded me that if He thought that I needed their help, He could have them call ME. Trust Him. Live in Him (only).

FYI- yesterday was riiiiiiiiiidiiiiiiculous AFTER I blogged, everything fell apart. I had HUGE panic attacks throughout the day. (God didn't let it get to the point where I lost my nuts and bolts and thought I was in the MIDST of a heart attack... but I felt the pending heart attack most of the day.) I wasn't able to read anymore of my book and I was overcome with anxiety and fear. I took a nap thinking that would help, but woke up quickly when I had a dream where God showed me that I had to let my body die in order to live. Right before I let myself die, I woke myself up!

God was gracious to me and gave me prayer warriors and distractions and He was certainly TEACHING me through it- but it was scaaaaaaaary!

On the other side of it, I see that God was doing one of two things (or both)!
1. He was responding to my prayer from yesterday about wanting to be a martyr and beginning the process of teaching me how to suffer and trust Him.
2. He was giving me the opportunity to feel and fight the enemy to try to strengthen me as it will be a constant battle if I live in the will of God.

I learned SO much (and journaled pages upon pages about it)... but I won't get into it here. I just need to REMAIN CLOSE to Him and ALWAYS keep my eyes on Him!!!



(Note, the version of this song on the Passion 2011 disc is INCREDIBLE!!)

The Fast: Day 28

Just wanted to check in to let you know it's going VERY well!! God has given me some HUGE revelations (including showing me how the enemy twisted me by luring me into passivity, then giving me some counterfeit "supernatural" experiences (there's a difference between "supernatural" and "spiritual"), then tempted me with sin (desire was conceived in my mind but the Lord graciously protected me from allowing it to give birth to sin/death! (James 1:14-15)). The Devil even had me convinced that I was soooooo spiritually "good" because I was reading my Bible, and praying and doing devotions and serving and yada yada yada (doing, doing doing) but it was in the FLESH. It was NOT in the spirit. He was shutting down my spirit....disconnecting me from God! UGH!!! He is SOOOOOOOOO TRICKY!!!! I must be ON GUARD! Walking, praying, seeking in the SPIRIT to combat him. The battle is already won- I must stay on the right side (not by my WORKS, but by my DEATH/surrender of self).

I am no longer lonely - actually, yesterday I was mourning the fact that half of my retreat is already gonezo - over - I don't have much more time here (9 days) and I really must cherish each moment that the Lord has given me - this concentrated time where it is just He and I and He is TEACHING me.... this is important time. He is educating and equipping me so that He can send me out.... I must not neglect this time of preparation! 

Here's a picture (I like the way it looks through the screen- I feel like it's artistic- :) ... the clouds and sky and mountains are such AWEsome examples of His MAJESTY!! Rue wouldn't leave my side at all yesterday, I couldn't figure out why until this MASSIVE storm came in last night... it lit up the sky, rumbled the mountains, and the wind, rain, and hail threatened to rip the house off its foundation for well over 2 and a half hours (I finally passed out at 1:15am-ish when I could no longer stay awake- :))... but the POWER that was in that storm is just an INKLING - a DROP of the power of GOD of HEAVEN'S ARMIES!! I admit that I was a little afraid (not as scared as I was last week when I was still under the influence of evil spirits)... but I must get to the point where NOTHING scares me (except NOT obeying/ living for & by the power of the Holy Spirit). I must be prepared for ANYTHING... to be STRONG... to be willing to SUFFER... all for the GLORY of GOD! Strengthen me, Lord.

Lord, I pray for more spiritual wisdom, understanding, and discernment so that I may honor and please you and grow and so that my life produces fruit (Col 1:9-10). I pray for the cares of this life- of my flesh- of my soul (my will, mind, and emotion) to be STRIPPED away. I pray for complete submission to the Holy Spirit and for strengthened intuition so that I may follow, worship, and fellowship with You in a manner worthy of being your child! I pray to be a martyr- that I would die for my testimony about Jesus (Rev 20:4). I pray that today (and everyday) I would DIE to all the things of this world.  You have taken my sin already- it was crucified on the cross with Jesus - let me walk in that freedom. I pray that I would continuously- every day - multiple times a day - put my SELF (my heart, mind, soul, and strength) on the altar. All my desires... my cravings... my dreams... my plans, expectations, experiences... my EVERYTHING... I lay it on your altar Lord. Have your way with this new [wo]man...  Teach me. Guide me. Strengthen me. Fill me....FOR YOU. Amen.

The Fast: Day 24

 Psalm 91 
¹ Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
      will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
 ² This I declare about the Lord:
   He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
      he is my God, and I trust him.
 ³ For he will rescue you from every trap
      and protect you from deadly disease.
 ⁴ He will cover you with his feathers.
      He will shelter you with his wings.
      His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
 ⁵ Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,
      nor the arrow that flies in the day.
 ⁶ Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,
      nor the disaster that strikes at midday.
 ⁷ Though a thousand fall at your side,
      though ten thousand are dying around you,
      these evils will not touch you.
 ⁸ Just open your eyes,
      and see how the wicked are punished.
 ⁹ If you make the Lord your refuge,
      if you make the Most High your shelter,
 ¹⁰ no evil will conquer you;
      no plague will come near your home.
 ¹¹ For he will order his angels
      to protect you wherever you go.
 ¹² They will hold you up with their hands
      so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.
 ¹³ You will trample upon lions and cobras;
      you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!
 ¹⁴ The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.
      I will protect those who trust in my name.
 ¹⁵ When they call on me, I will answer;
      I will be with them in trouble.
      I will rescue and honor them.
 ¹⁶ I will reward them with a long life
      and give them my salvation.”

I've been involved in some really serious and scary spiritual attack(s) for the past few days... I have been experiencing some heavy-duty anxiety and FEAR. It was worst at night...something about the darkness made it worse...I would be up talking to God for a good hour before I could sleep.  At one point I even considered going home (NOT abandoning the fast, but getting home to be around other believers). It was baaaaaaad.

I had a few prayer warriors but my number one (my BFF/accountability partner) was slightly off her rocker and making it WORSE! In her defense, she thought she was helping me by trying to convince me to abort my fast (which the Lord put on my heart to do). She thought that her feelings of imminent doom (i.e. God woke her up to pray, etc.) were because I was going to DIE... but that is NOT of the Lord. Hm. Actually, it's possible that He wanted her to warn me to stop that "Master Cleanse" thing, buuuuuut, I've been thinking about it today and even though I was weak- I was spiritually very open and God was teaching me things. When Satan brought that darn FEAR around (and confirmed it through her), I panicked to the point of aborting the heavy-duty fast. I guess it's okay... I am still having a lovely time and still learning... and I'll just do a water fast next time (in Raleigh, surrounded by people who can call 911 if I have a problem! Aaaand if I DO die, then someone will be around to feed little Rue! ha!)!  It's better now though so hopefully my sweet friend can sense (and continue adding to) the prayer cover that the Lord has sent me...

Last night God (first) and (then) I called on the saints (my friends/facebook friends) to PRAY for protection....and it WORKED!!! I have felt SO MUCH BETTER since then!!!

I might have mentioned before how I have been "casting out" evil when I feel overwhelmed and empowered to do so- I need more FAITH to do that though. I sense a hesitation in myself when I do it. My sweet friend, Alicia, sent me a ton of great resources today about casting out demons. My friends Ed and Beverly also encouraged me and are before the Throne on my behalf. My friend, Mark, reminded me of 1 John 4:18 (perfect love casts out all fear) and 1 Cor 10:13 (God won't give us more than we can handle).

Satan's minions are TRICKY and they were (are?) using every tactic they can to instill a sense of FEAR in me. They want me to be paralyzed...they want me to stop seeking God....to look at them instead of my SAVIOR. They want me to QUIT the fast...they want me to be distracted...and I think they REALLY want me to stop reading this BOOK.

Some their little attempts are temporarily working, but I REBUKE IT/THEM NOW!!!! No FEAR!!!! Just GOD!

The Lord is teaching me such AWESOME things about how to walk in the Spirit! He is also giving me great rest! And today Rue and I ventured out on a little 15-20 minute walk in the woods! (I'm trying to really take it easy... I FEEL fine now but I don't want to overdo it...JUST IN CASE!) :)

Here's a peek of my juices from the other day (some are gone now- :)). I found out that I don't love carrot juice AFTER I bought TWO bottles of it- ICK!! Tonight I mixed some pomegranate juice in with the carrot and it made it taste better, but I don't think we are supposed to mix fruit and vegetable juices. Oh well! :)

Oh, it's SOOOOO BEAUTIFUL HERE!! I ESPECIALLY love the CLOUDS!! They remind me so much of God.... of His Majesty.... His Transcendence... His LIGHT... His POWER... His KINGDOM!! (I'm getting fired up just thinking about it!) :)

*joy!*

(I love how the tone of this blog transitioned from fear to joy!! That's the Lord's work, brothers and sisters!!! Amen?! :))

Note: I had a moment today that I wanted to EAT something... chew on something.... (and it doesn't help that my dog smells SO GOOD- just like her new food! I switched her food because they didn't have her dog food up here and her new food is made of lamb, barley, brown rice, oatmeal, sweet potato, blueberries and spinach! RIGHT UP MY ALLEY!!) ...I might be losing it here... :)


  

The Fast: Day 23

I'm gonna start calling it "The Slow".... my fast isn't moving very quickly since I've been up in the mountains on my retreat.... HOWEVER, GOD has been doing some HUGE things!! (The enemy has been too.)

I think I mentioned that I abandoned my "Master Cleanse" the other day.... but a friend asked me a week or so ago if I would fast for her on 3/30. Of course I said "yes!".  So yesterday I was committed to only drinking water. I felt fine as long as I remained in the Spirit and seeking God through the Word, but as soon as I started thinking of myself...I got weary.  The friend called at 5 or 5:30 to tell me that everything had gone well and I should resume eating (yay!).... but I thought that I could handle it, so if I drank any juice (I was being nudged by God to do so) it was only a little.

I'm not sure if it was my weakness or the attack of the enemy that compelled my friend to call me last night in a panic- sure I was dead again. Maaaan, she's really freaking me out!! She has a sense and a fear that something is going to "happen" to me. UGH!! I started chugging juice and warding off demons of FEAR. EVIL FEAR. It was stealing my peace. I went to bed and laid there for an hour just praying for God to take away the fear and praising Him for protecting me and for all He did for me on the cross and at one point (or two) screamed into the darkness demanding any spirits that weren't of the Lord to leave the house immediately by the power and name of Jesus!

This morning I wrote this in my journal:
"Let me live so I can praise you"... (Ps 119:175a)..."Don't be afraid...for I am with you..." (Jer 46:28a)..."Obey my life-giving laws, no longer doing what is evil. If [you] do this, then [you] will surely live and not die." (Ez 33:15b)... "and I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations" (Ez 36:26) "Where is another God like you, who pardons the guilt of the remnant, overlooking the sins of his special people? You will not stay angry with your people forever, because you delight in showing unfailing love. Once again you will have compassion on us. You will trample our sins under your feet and throw them into the depths of the ocean" (Micah 7:18-19)... "The Lord is good, a strong refuge when trouble comes. He is close to those who trust Him." (Nahum 1:7)

***
I should tell you about what I'm learning about. This is HEAVY stuff. Convicting stuff. If it's true then my whole life needs to change. (It's true. My whole life needs to change.)

Jesus took my sin to the cross and it was crucified with Him so that I can live in freedom from my sin nature.  My spirit and flesh were united and born into sin and my soul was created (my soul is part body and part spirit and it is where my personality resides. My soul is what contains my mind, my emotions and my will.).  When I believed in Christ Jesus, the Holy Spirit came and took residence in my spirit. Now as I surrender to God through the Holy Spirit, He controls my spirit and is reconciling my soul and body- putting all that is evil to death so that through the Holy Spirit, Jesus Christ can live through me.

I'm trapped. I'm soulish. I'm straddling the flesh and the Spirit.... allowing my soul (my will, emotions and mind) to control my walk with Jesus. Since my soul is of the flesh, it is sinful and selfish.

I don't HAVE to walk like this. My sin has already been nailed to the cross as has my "old man" and I am free from sin in [and because of] Christ so I must stay free.

Sin is not acceptable. I must live a sinless life. Period. <-- that's heavy!

I must do this by continually remembering what Christ did, my flesh and my sin and my self is crucified! And instead of walking in my soul or my self, I must walk in freedom in the Spirit.

Here's more from my journal this morning:
"Lord, forgive me for my divided loyalties (Ps 119:113) - I am living one foot in the world and one out - lukewarm (Rev 3:16). Father, I give you my whole heart. I WANT to give you my whole heart! You have taken my sin and nailed it to a tree! I can live in freedom! It is finished (John 19:30) - Let me live in freedom (Rom 6:7, 12-14)."

From 1 John:
"For the Spirit teaches you everything you need to know and what He teaches is true ....so just as He has taught you, remain in fellowship with Christ (2:27)...all who do what is right are God's children (2:29). ...everyone who sins is breaking God's law, for all sin is contrary to the law of God (3:4). Anyone who continues to live in Him will not sin. But anyone who keeps on sinning does not know Him or understand who He is (3:6). Those who have been born into God's family do not make a practice of sinning, because God's life is in them. So they can't keep on sinning, because they are children of God (3:9).  BELIEVE & LOVE OTHERS (3:23)  Keep away from anything that might take God's place in your hearts (5:21).

I just wanted to give you a glimpse of what is going on up here. :)

Currently I'm sipping on yummy pomegranate juice and embracing the cloud that has surrounded me all week! :) I'm really blessed- this house is SO GORGEOUS and I'm living in luxury while being surrounded and loved on by the Lord (and Rue- ha!)! 

I'm also enjoying almost daily baths in my parents' awesome deep tub and reading Corrie ten Boom's book "The Hiding Place". I drank almost a gallon of distilled water yesterday and was very proud of myself thinking I had gone above and beyond from the 2 liters that I thought I was supposed to drink, but today I read that I am actually supposed to be drinking 2 GALLONS of water a day! Eep! I don't think I can afford to drink 2 gallons of distilled water a day so I'll probably switch back to tap or filtered water. What else? I've taken a few (maybe only two) short strolls on my parents' road. Now that I'm drinking juice again, I'll get more strength and less fear and will probably do some real exploring soon. I sleep in my parents giagundus bed (with a giagundus window overlooking God's giagundus creation!!)!  I spend TOO MUCH time on the computer. I spend some time listening to praise music and in prayer (though I need to spend MUCH MORE time in prayer... I'm doing a lot of reading, but not a lot of reflection). I have been doing some (a little) deep breathing- I need to do more of that.  I've been talking to friends and family on the phone.... yeah... I guess that's it.

Oh- I take Rue outside many times a day... every time I'm scared that there will be a bear out there that she will go after (she will, and then she will be killed or maimed). A few times I've actually put her on a leash, but that's pretty dumb. If God wants her to get eaten by a bear, she will get eaten by a bear... I need to lose the FEAR!

Enough.
I love you!

The Fast: Day 21

Well, I'm over the half-way point. :)
The past few days have been HAAAAAARD. I decided to try to do that Master Cleanse thing while I was up here.

I lasted 3 full days.... BUT... the last two days were filled with angst and terrible FEAR! I don't know if it was God or Satan or my flesh, but I felt like I was going to have a heart attack and die!!

Yesterday I got an email from my best friend who was SO WORRIED about me....God had pulled her out of bed the following night and CONSTANTLY throughout the day had her PRAYING FERVENTLY for me that I wouldn't DIE!! ACK!! I'm not going to lie- that scared me a lot.... I believe wholeheartedly that we are connected through the Spirit and I hadn't spoken to her in a couple days so she didn't know what was going on with me (namely that He had me praying the same thing (not to die!!)... it was definitely God prompting her. Ugh! WHY would I be partaking in something that left me in fear of death??? Whenever I moved I would have heart palpitations...breathlessness... my circulation was off... my face got this horrible rashy thing.... I knew that if Rue (my pup) went after an animal or a bear, that I couldn't do anything about it... I could hardly move.

Here's a picture...pay no attention to the way the iphone distorted the left side of my face... I didn't really look like Quasimoto.... just look at the rash. (This was not acne... just red...and my face is always peeling... but now that I see it, look at how dead/purple my lips are! Eep!) BTW- I'm sorry I'm not smiling- I'm actually reallllly ugly in this picture... but I wanted to document it.

However, I did some more research yesterday and learned that fasts force your body to start eating itself for energy and that if you have a dirty body (i.e. lots of toxins stored up from saaaaay 33 years of pollution), that you are essentially living on poison. The site recommended drinking LOTS of DISTILLED water which apparently captures toxins and pulls them out. I got more excited and realized/thought that I could just drink myself clean!

Hm -now that I think about it, all those toxins are flowing around in my bloodstream too- no wonder my heart feels funny and weak.... ack! Anyway, I was committed... I would push through the discomfort...

Then this gorgeous morning when I woke up to the first day with sunshine and a pretty view (I've been in a cloud/ rain since I got up here) so I was sitting on the deck looking out at the sea of clouds BELOW us (AWESOME)...

  .... but I was filled with fear and panic (and heart palpitations and breathlessness and discomfort in my left arm) and started thinking it was the beginning of a heart attack. I went to make tea of my lemon/syrup/pepper juice (on the stove) and while it was cooking I got down on my face and prayed. I was so scared. During that prayer, I'm sure it was God who told me to drink fruit/veg juice... so I did...and I already feel so much better!

I cannot spend this time up here in FEAR....this is a time for peace, serenity, joy in the Lord, etc.... He took me up here to rest in Him....to teach me... to prepare me....I must know that I am going to LIVE so I can put into action the things He shows me! :)

I look forward to the rest of my time up here with the Lord, and now I'll even get to go on some hikes with God and Rue (which you know I LOVE!!!!)!!!!

I MAY do some days of just water and rest (tomorrow one of my friends asked me to fast for her and usually I do water-only fasts so I think I'll do that if I feel strong enough)...we'll see what God says. :)

Okeedoke... I think I'm gonna go read and then shower and then venture out to the store to get dog food, distilled water, and more fruit/veg juice. I'm sitting in a cloud again....apparently those clouds rise.... soon God will burn them away.... it'll be at the same time He gives me my full strength again so that I can take Rue on a hike through majestic creation!!!

Ahhhhh..... maaaaaan.... I'm glad I didn't die. :)

*Oh- I'm back!*
I just re-read many of my fast posts (which I haven't posted publicly yet) and I realized that I didn't document a HUGE temptation/scheme of Satan to drag me away from my commitment to God. The day before I was leaving for the mountains, my brother called me and invited me to Dallas to take pictures of/for his new restaurant! I was torn. I would have LOVED to, I told him, but I couldn't eat. I shared with him why and he told me that he didn't want me to come down if I couldn't eat- he and his fabulous wife would want to share their gourmet food with me (understandably- their Thai Vietnamese Kitchen, Malai, is no doubt the best place that I can think of eating!)...  I DID toy with breaking the fast and going down there, but under the council of my wise friend who saw through Satan's schemes, I decided not to (and instead recommended a free and awesome way to get the pictures taken by inviting a photography Meetup.com group to come out).

I'll drive down and visit them - maybe in May! :) God, have YOUR way! <3

(March 29th, 2011 - 12:33pm)

The Fast: Day 19

Alone.
I arrived at the Summit Lodge two days ago (day 17- March 25) and got to spend two wonderful days with my brother, Davin, and his boyfriend, Brian. We had fun chatting and playing cards and catching up... :) ... but today they left and for the first 30 minutes or so I have to say that I felt VERY ALONE. I was scared...filled with panic and fear and loneliness (I plan to stay up here with God (and Rue) for 3 weeks and suddenly all the things that could go wrong started going through my head....all the things I was missing out on... etc...)... BUT GOD.

My Constant Savior came close and prompted me to pray in the Spirit to cast Satan and His lies and deceit (fear, loneliness) OUT. We prayed for protection and for God to come very close, for intimacy, etc. It was awesome, and IMMEDIATELY I felt better!!!

I just went on a little stroll (and I mean LITTLE stroll... maybe a 1/4 - 1/2 mile tops....I really want to be careful.)  But on this wonderful walk through the clouds with God, I spent some time practicing "Spiritual Breathing" (which I heard about from Bill Bright's AWESOME blog/article about fasting)... breathing GOD and His light and goodness IN and breathing out SIN and ugliness. Bill explains it by saying "Like physical breathing, Spiritual Breathing is a process of exhaling the impure and inhaling the pure."

Anyway.... here I am. Lord, speak to me. Prepare me. Send me. I am yours.

Here are a couple pics of the Summit Lodge (my parent's masterpiece)... I'm in heaven!! :)

 

The Fast: Day 16

I'm weary.
Have I said that already?
I am. The last two days have been tough... just trying to keep up. Yesterday was a "Refuel" worship service at church and I was serving and hoping SO BADLY to be FILLED... but it didn't really work. Darn!!

I know, I know....if I want to be filled, I need to be intentional about being filled by Jesus... intentional about spending more time with Him.

Yes,
I've been spending about an hour to an hour and a half in the Bible a day, an hour-ish in prayer a day, and an hour-ish worshiping (at the gym, in the shower, in the car), and an hour-ish reading a Christian book, and I've been spending a couple hours walking and talking with people about Jesus.... but it's not enough. It's not right. I'm not right. My heart isn't pure.

The focus is on me or on others, NOT on Jesus.

God has shown me that in my attempts to walk in the Spirit, and desire to disengage my soul completely, I have neglected the important emotion that comes from my soul's interaction with life. I've become very somber.... my prayers are not filled with any emotion- my focus is only on the will of the Spirit in me and what the Lord is saying. I want to live and breathe and move in spiritual REALITY (not experientially/ based on my efforts). I think there is a way to marry the joy of life with the truth of the Spirit- after all, a fruit of the Spirit is joy and God constantly tells us to REJOICE ("Whatever happens, my dear brothers and sisters, rejoice in the Lord, I never get tired of telling you these things, and I do it to safeguard your faith." Phil 3:1) Whatever happens.... rejoice.

It's possible that the dullness I feel to the world is a result of the fast- I am surely chemically depleted and I don't have full fuel to all parts of my being.

I need to rest.
The Lord has called me to rest. This fast is intended to bring me into a place of dependence and submission to Him so that I may more clearly see and acknowledge His ways and His plans.

He keeps telling me to forget people.  That I must live in the Spirit and love by the Spirit and REST in Him. He has called me to retreat to His arms. He is dealing with me on my pride and perception of self and my role in the life He gave me. He has me thinking about my past and my future and about how none of it matters if I remain in Him. I just need to respond to what He whispers to me- He will light my path, one step at a time.

AWESOME word from God to me (through my journal) this morning:
"Don't measure God's prompting by people's expectations."

I have been so selfish - focused on mySELF. I'm deceived and twisted.
I MUST focus on GOD- on His character and His love for humanity and what HE wants...

I will wait for you.

He says wait.
Wait.
Wait.

I'm waiting.

I'm so grateful that God gave me Watchman Nee to teach me- so far Watchman's lessons have been exactly what my soul thirsts for. (I read "Spiritual Reality and Obsession", and "The Breaking of the Spirit" and I just began "The Spiritual Man".) A.W. Tozer's "Life in the Spirit" is also a gift of confirmation. God is helping me to realize that I am not alone.

I feel alone. I know that a part of that is Satan trying to drag me off into a corner, but part of it is the lack of genuine Christians. God is working in a big way though- hearts and minds are being opened.... there is an awakening happening all over the world (I am a fruit of God's grace, blessed by His favor.... I must take my responsibility seriously though.... not take it for granted... not hold it for myself...I exist for the GLORY of the SON OF GOD who IS COMING BACK SOON. I need to get with the program and get to know my Savior and the Word He has given me so that I may be of use to equip those He has chosen to do the work of reconciling the world to Himself.)

God is working on me about  my role as woman and the blessing that is. He has been talking to me about my exterior- about being overweight (this is a HUGE topic, one I'll save for a later blog post), and how I must care for my temple because it reflects back on Him, as well as on my future husband, as well as on myself and others around me.

He has also begun to dig up some of my "feminist" hurts. Woman power, etc.! I hope He continues to speak to me about how to handle my experiences and perceptions and show me the TRUTH. And then how the truth relates to society's - especially Christian society's - view of a woman's role.

I have needs and strengths that are different than a man, and yes, I may be weaker... but I am also equal. (1 Peter 3:7)  I start to get twitterpated about feeling pigeonholed into man-made expectations and then God reminds me that I am His daughter- an heir of the Most High- and if I stay close to my Daddy, and follow His leading, then I cannot stray off the path He has for me.... so if I look to Him and just keep saying YES to what He tells me to do, I should not and can not look around me at what others are doing or saying or how they are judging me.

Bitterness wants to get me with this. 

Oh, but if God wants me to help plant churches, then I will help plant churches. If God wants me to start an international relief organization, I will start an international relief organization. If God wants me to write a book about church planting, then I will write a book about church planting. If God wants me to be the supportive wife of someone who will do these things, then I will do THAT....all I know is that He has planted seeds in my heart and I cannot let PEOPLE or their expectations scorch the fruit of God's plans.

"Your vision is too small" said the Lord.... He said it to me through my pastor, Jimmy, who God said the same thing to six years prior.  God does not want us to have small visions. GOD DOESN'T HAVE SMALL VISIONS and if we are close enough to God to see what He sees, then WE won't have small visions either.

I'm leaving tomorrow to go to the mountains on a three week retreat. I can't wait.

Re: the fast, I am going to spend some of the time doing just the "master cleanse" juice fast (lemon juice, maple syrup & cayenne pepper), and I am not going to do much exercising (I will miss the gym. Jesus is at the gym - I love worshiping Him with my body)... I'll just be doing lots of reading and resting in the Lord... letting Him lead me and teach me and love my heart.

He is SO good to me. I don't deserve such favor. He really IS so close.

Yesterday and the day before, I felt like He was further away... I was calling out to Him to come save me... I felt the enemy attacking....tempting me with food, telling me how hungry I am... telling me that things of this world could fulfill me.... people and food. Satan's minions put pictures of food all over the world.... burgers and turnovers and pizza and told me that if I eat, it would make me feel better... but by the grace and power of God, He got me through. More temptations will come. I must remain close to God.

I have two more "work" assignments and then my focus can be on getting OUT OF HERE and to the mountains... I get to walk with my friend this afternoon and then we have rehearsal tonight. I SHOULD clean my house and at least mow the front yard.... hopefully God will give me the energy to do that.

I know I'm rambling... a lot.... I'll stop now. :)

I love you, God.

(March 24th, 2011 1:47pm)

The Fast: Day 13

LOVING it!!!!

My breath is still kinda bad, but getting better. My body is feeling great- healthy. I'm walking and working out when I can. (<;-- I am still struggling with trying to keep my focus OFF weight loss and ON God and His Temple.)

I am hungry now and then, but I realize that that means that I need to eat some scriptures. When I open my mouth to the Lord, He fills my heart with good things (Ps 81:10)....

Yesterday I took communion- it was a wonderful experience- I feel very "in the Spirit" - but I think the matzo cracker may have started my digestive system again (or whatever) and left me hungrier than I should have been. I also spent the day at a "Talent for Christ" audition and didn't feel like it was a very holy use of my time, but hopefully it sent a message to my sisters-in-Christ that I was supporting. I know God had His way.

So far the biggest revelation has been that God wants me to work on pulling together resources to equip a new church plant in Uganda in July. (He is ministering to a pastor there right now and will reveal who He is when we get there.)

I have also had some very personal revelations, including my need to continue to focus on GOD alone and not worry about a spouse.... indeed, that it may be better for me NOT TO have a spouse at all because it is akin to how Israel demanded a King (1 Samuel 8) and look what happened....

"When that day comes, you will beg for relief from this king you are demanding, but then LORD will not help you." But the people refused to listen to Samuel's warning. "Even so, we still want a king." they said. "We want to be like the nations around us. Our king will judge us and lead us into battle."  (v.18-20)

I need to just remain close to God and if it is HIS WILL for HIS GLORY, then I would be happy to partner with a husband who loves God as much or more than I do and wants to lay down His life for the sake of the Gospel. If, however, I would just be heaping responsibilities and distractions upon myself, I am dependent on the Lord to save me from my own desires.

He keeps telling me to WAIT. So I must wait. (And STOP pursuing the poor man that I feel a spiritual connection with. God had something to do there, but it's not for me to try to understand or control. Just rest in Him (and live a life of RESPONSE.)

Another huge revelation for me is the tenth commandment (Deut 5:21): Thou shall not covet anything that belongs to your neighbor....  thou shall not covet.  COVET = DESIRE. Thou shall not DESIRE things that belong to others...

I SHOULD covet/desire GOD... pursue God...nothing more.

Thou shalt not desire. whooooooh....

Gotta grab a shower.... <3

The Fast: Day 8

I'm hungry- but yummy garden patch veggie juice helped! :)

AWESOME day- God blessed me by allowing me to go represent Triangle Church Planting Network at a Baptist Church Planters Conference where Ed Stetzer spoke (it was held at Journey).... God is just shining His favor on Journey.... we've GOT to stay in His will... it's SOOOOO gooood here!!

I LOVE the gym- have I mentioned that before? This week has been great- I take it easy at the gym (for obvious reasons- I don't want to kill myself since I'm not eating. I AM drinking a good number of calories though, so I feel safe to exercise and it really makes me feel good (and worshiping and praying and reading there is FUN!)  I usually do 30-40 minutes on the arc trainer where I listen to worship music and pray and then another 20-30 on another machine where I read. Right now I'm reading Catherine Marshall's Adventures in Prayer at the gym.

I'm reading SO many freaking books... I don't think I can list them all, but let me try...

Devotionals:
I get about 15 electronic devotionals a day (but I don't usually read them all)
My Utmost For His Highest - Oswald Chambers
A Table In The Wilderness - Watchman Nee

When I feel like it:
Come Away My Beloved - Francis J. Roberts
Solo Remix

Study:
I'm also SUPPOSED to be doing my Beth Moore Breaking Free study, but I'm so behind that I feel like it's futile to try to catch up- it will take a MONTH to catch up (and I don't want to do it halfway). 

Books:
Experiencing God - Henry Blackaby
Life In The Spirit- A.W. Tozer
The Cost of Discipleship - Dietrich Bonhoeffer
The Power of a Praying Woman - Stormie Omartian
The Hour That Changes the World - Dick Eastman
Made to Crave - Lysa Terkeurst
Adventures In Prayer - Catherine Marshall

Just got these today- I'm totally digging in in a minute: The Spiritual Man & The Release of the Spirit - Watchman Nee

Now remember, these are the ones I am ACTIVELY reading.... there are many (too many) more sitting here that I am getting ready to read. Can you IMAGINE what it's like in my brain??? <--- I'm kidding... I'm not actually reading all that much of any of them- a chapter here and a chapter there... I LOVE them, but the MOST IMPORTANT one that I read DAILY is the BIBLE!!! I have taken to the King James Version of the Bible lately (I was looking through my Greek New Testament the other day and noticed that one of the verses was DIFFERENT than in my version (but not in the KJV) and it threw me for a loop, so now I want to be diligent in study more than one version (though I LOVE my little blue NLT (it's my SECOND one JUST LIKE THAT)! <-- the first one fell apart! :)

I know, I know... I'm kinda bragging.... how dare I?? If you knew what a mess my desk and nightstand and ottomans and all around me was with all these half read books, you would PITY me, so - yeah - I'm NOT bragging, but I AM trying to collect a snapshot of my life at this minute so I can reflect on it later in life (if I am so inclined to re-read these crazy posts. I doubt it though- they are TOOOOOO LONG!!!!)

Okay. Goin' to dig in to my new books! YAY!! <3

3/16/11 9:11pm

The Fast: Day 7

Soooooooo..... I JUST realized that old tricky pants (Satan) is trying to trick me into making this fast about BOYS...or specifically A boy. Today I actually had the gall to say to God that I was fasting on behalf of this one guy - that I am praying for surrender.... to ask God to save him by the end of my fast! ARGH!!! (That talk with God DID lead to me praying for two other guys that I am ALSO praying would surrender!)... I don't know why I like to pray for men- I think I am sick in the head. I need to be praying more fervently for all my GIRLS too!!!! I'm admitting (confessing with intent to repent) that I am praying MORE fervently and often for the guys than the girls.... that is BAD. I am BAD. I am.

So- this fast is NOT about a man or two or three... it's about ME and JESUS... it's about MY LOVE RELATIONSHIP with the ONLY ONE who MATTERS! I have been deceived.

*I'd also like to note that I feel that my prayers for women feel more real- I feel like I can intercede for them much better- I feel more connected to the spirit realm when I pray for females.... so maybe I should take the hint. :)

While I'm on a roll, let me admit that I've also spent waaaaaaaay too much time looking in the mirror- waiting for and watching my chubby body change. I MUST NOT make this about that. I must keep this about PURSUING GOD. Now, I KNOW that He has me doing this for health reasons too- but they are secondary. I KNOW He wants me to look at my body as the temple of the Holy Spirit and to revere it and make it WORTHY of the Most High.... but again... that is secondary.

I am resting more.
I am reading more.
I am in the Word more.
God has given me the opportunity to have some great conversations with people.
I am much more at peace.
Yesterday I was more filled with joy than in a LONG time!! I was full of BEANS <-- not literally - ha! :)  I am learning to be hungry for HIM alone.  The other day the coolest thing happened -->  first thing in the morning when I woke up I went to the bathroom to take my shower (hm. Pause there. I need to figure this out. WHY was I taking a shower FIRST thing in the morning?!!!! I spend time with JESUS first thing in the morning?!! OHHHH YEAH- it was Sunday and I had to be at church at 7 and we just had to change the clocks so that day I decided to study the Bible in the afternoon but I PRAYED in the morning. Okay.)..... ANYWAY, I put on my iPhone-iPod on shuffle and the song that came up spoke RIGHT to my heart, it was "Hungry" by Kathryn Scott:

Lyrics: 
Hungry I come to you
For I know you satisfy
I am empty but I know
your love does not run dry

So I wait for you
So I wait for you

Im falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus your all this heart is living for

Broken I run to you
For your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know
Your love does not run dry

So I wait for you
So I wait for you 

And the Lord DREW me to Him.... then while I was before His throne, He took me in my mind to the verse in Psalm 80:10b where it says "Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it with good things." It was a sweet time with Him. <3

God is SO PERSONAL and PRESENT.

Anyway, so far so good with the fast. I only fasted for a partial day on "Day 1" so I feel like I'm actually behind a little, but it will catch up. Physically I'm a little hungry but that is easily quenched when I spend time with God. I DO have TERRIBLE breath and yesterday I went to get alfalfa tablets which I heard would help, but they made me hungry (I think they kicked my intestines back into gear) and they also didn't help- I think my breath just smelled MORE like a COW. Awesome. I hope it gets better soon. :)

Tomorrow I get to go to a church planting conference (*blessed!!!!) and help hand out Triangle Church Planting Network cards and I'm TERRIFIED of breathing on someone!! EEP!! Lord, please take away my bad breath and give me breath like freshly fallen snow.... crisp and fresh!

So anyway, I'm hungry for Him...

The Fast: Day 3

Today I started obsessing about weight loss.... that is BAD and takes me away from the PURPOSE of the fast which is to be closer to God.... to intentionally seek His face.

I researched the Master Cleanse which I heard about (sort of) from Bill Bright's website/article about fasting (which was and is SO AWESOME!!)... Bill spends an undisclosed period of time during his liquid fasts drinking only the lemon/ maple syrup/ cayenne pepper mixture. I decided that I wanted to try it out for myself and have been sipping on a glass of this oddly tantalizing drink most of the afternoon. --> I think that I will just do a regular liquid/ juice fast (fruit and veggie juices) for the first few weeks anyway and then maybe try this... we'll see...

I really need to guard against thinking about this as a weight loss journey. I was at the gym today and I KNOW Satan was tempting me to look at the weight loss infomercials because he knows my M.O. which is to take my focus off of God and put it back on myself (and my hopes and dreams for a thinner me). GAh!!!! ---> My focus must NOT be on that!! It MUST REMAIN on God- and His Word- and His TRUTH and His PLANS and His KINGDOM!  I keep reading this scripture this week:

 "My sons, do not neglect your duties any longer! The Lord has chosen you to stand in his presence, to minister to him, and to lead the people in worship and present offerings to him." 2 Chronicles 29:11

I also keep hearing the refrain from an old hymn:
"On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand."

I wonder what it all means?!!

*unrelated side note* I love that my sensitivity to the Spirit is heightened during a fast.

So let's see... "how am I doing with my fast today?" Well, today I'm hungry- desiring to chew on something... but yesterday I made it through going OUT TO LUNCH with my brother, Davin, and sister, Page, (to the fabulous Tijuana Flats) so I can DEFINITELY do this!! :)  (And truth be told, I'm not actually THAT hungry- I've only hungered a couple times. I've spent a good amount of time in prayer and the Word and the Lord truly has been satisfying me at the deepest levels of my soul.)

I DID have a GREAT day with God today... I didn't get as much accomplished as I would have liked, but the night is still young (it's 7:40pm). I'm gonna go try to be productive (in a worldly sense). :)
 

<3

The Fast: Day 1

I don't think I'm going to start POSTING these updates until I get far enough into the fast that I am on track to faithfully complete what I believe God has planted in my heart. I don't want to make a big deal of it because it will (a.) psych me out (b.) be unbiblical (Matthew 6:16-18) and (c.) psych me out.  <--- and by that, I mean, I'll make it about ME (like I did with the Ezekiel Fast) and that just dive bombs and does NOT BLESS me OR Jesus!

I feel called to lay down my comfort and idolatry and partake in a 40 day juice fast. My fast started at 6pm March 9th, 2011 and should roll through Sunday, April 17th.

How did I even decide to do this? I didn't. I heard God tell me to do it when I was driving on the road by Briarcreek yesterday. I knew it was Him and I prayed for confirmation that He really wanted me to do this, so a few hours later He had my friend call me to invite me to a special prayer church service at a church that isn't even EITHER of our churches for the first day of LENT....(which is some sort of religious thing where people (Catholics?) generally fast from something for the 40 day period.) YES GOD! Thank you SO MUCH for your PERSONAL and PERFECT hand on my life and heart!

So of course I thought that it made sense to start my fast today, but I have some research to do on what the deal is with Lent.  I know that today is "Ash Wednesday"... so I guess that Lent ENDS on "Palm Sunday"....ahhhhh.... yes...... that makes sense. That's good, because I hear that I have to be UBER careful coming OFF a juice fast otherwise I could have kidney failure and die (EEP!).... soooooo this will be good.... it will give me a week to onboard back to solid foods and then I can celebrate the RISEN SAVIOR with a feast on Easter Sunday!!! (I'll be feasting on and with the Lord Jesus this whole time though!)

I don't have much to say today. I'm tired. It's late and God kept me up praying almost all night last night (obviously preparing me for something/this).

The PURPOSE of this fast is to cleanse me of my sin- my self- my selfish desires- my pride- my reliance on MY efforts to accomplish or fulfill anything and to SEEK, PURSUE, CRAVE, LOVE God with my WHOLE HEART. It is my desire to gain more spiritual wisdom, understanding, and discernment so that I may be a better steward of this life (and responsibilities that go along with it). I want to know God's will for His people and how He wants me to serve Him. I want to hear Him and respond.

My biggest *sins* right now are:

• Gluttony- trying to fill an emotional void with food. The Lord has graciously strengthened me and helped me to not eat sugar for the past few weeks, but I know I'm being called to a season of deeper surrender. I am also quite overweight (I have been most of my life) and I'm hoping that this will cleanse my body and help me to get to a reasonable weight (thought I don't pretend to think that I won't gain some back... but I'm just hoping for a little better starting point.) The GYM is the BEST for me- I LOVE the gym- I love working out- Jesus is always at the gym with me!!! I also really love hiking with God and Rue (you know that though).... anyway.... I just want a healthy temple. I want people to see the Jesus in me and not be distracted by my body.... there's no such thing as a fat Jesus... and I desire for Jesus to live through me, so I need to give Him a worthy dwelling place. 1 Chronicles 28:10.
• Lust- or something like it... the desire to be fulfilled by a man. I love God more than ANYTHING else in the world, but something has a hold on me lately and it makes me think about, desire, and crave a HUMAN. <---Not actually MORE than God... in fact, it makes me crave God more for and through and with this guy.... but I (a.) know that I'm not ready for a relationship- I don't know how to love yet and I'm still too selfish to lay down my life for another. I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it and that is not an option when you are in a love relationship.... and (b.) this guy that I like probably doesn't like me back (hmmmm- I say that but I am torn because I think he DOES like me - we've connected on a spiritual level a few times and it has swept me away- I just don't think he can comprehend the depths of the importance of that connection yet BECAUSE (and here's the ACTUAL "b.") he doesn't have a stronger relationship with God than me and it is IMPERATIVE that I am "equally yoked".... that I have someone who loves the Lord and wants to serve Him as much or MORE than me!!!)  So anyway, I've got to work this out. I've got to work on my relationship with CHRIST and make sure that HE is FIRMLY seated on the throne of my life before I start dabbling in "liking" boys. If it's His will, God has someone juuuuuust right for me and when I start taking things into my own hands, I start messing with the Master Plan (or at least prolonging the blessing).

On fasting: I am so grateful to God that in this last year He has been preparing me to take this next step in my spiritual growth and faith walk. I reflected that it was this time last year that He called me to do my first fast (by Him. I had tried before on my own power, but this was a call from God.).... I did the Daniel Fast and it blessed me immensely! I'm feeling a little braggy here, but I want to document it, so in the last year I've done the Daniel Fast three times and a handful of 1-3 day full fasts as well as a failed "Ezekiel Fast".

Because of this, I have confidence that God will get me through this. I also know that He has SO MUCH to SHOW me and TEACH ME. He's given me this time in my life where I have limited responsibilities and I can really tuck myself away with Him and allow the Holy Spirit to minister and move in me. Even in the past few days, the Holy Spirit has been making some HUGE revelations to me about the spiritual realm and my authority and responsibilities as a surrendered Christian.

Okay- this is realllllly long.... I'll blog more often.... you're my only friend!! (just kidding- I have LOTS of God-given friends, thank you Jesus!), but I DO want to flush out what God is teaching me through this process, so even if these posts are ugly and unmanageable, I'm going to collect them (and save them, for now!)

"....Purify yourselves, and purify the temple of the Lord, the God of our ancestors. Remove all the defiled things from the sanctuary." 2 Chronicles 29:5

11:42pm March 9, 2011

Miracle!!!

I have been the recipient of a HUGE MIRACLE!!!

I just realized the magnitude of this today and needed to share!!

God is TRANSFORMING ME!!!! I don't understand why, or how, but I KNOW it's ALLLLLLLLL HIM!!! WHHHHHAAAAT?!!!!!

I was reflecting on what God has done and wanted to share it. Now, realize that this is definitely a work-in-process, but I want to CELEBRATE the VICTORY as God reveals it!!!

Last year I was SO bound up in myself- in my body- (and not in a good way.) I was trying to satisfy myself - my depraved soul - with food. I KNEW that I was doing this, and I HATED myself!! This, of course just threw fuel on the fire and created this awful pattern of loathing --> guilt --> comfort [which is what made me hate myself in the first place].  I did it to myself.  I binged a LOT and would go through massive exercise phases... many years ago I was bulimic.... but throughout it all I just STRIVED (on my own power) to control the monster, which would inevitably (daily) turn on me and CONTROL ME. 

Even so, I couldn't see the extent of or recognize the fact that I was IN BONDAGE!  Even though I was BLIND, God...faithful God...started working on me....from the inside out!

Today I realized that I am standing here a little over a year later and I:

• Have *new tastebuds* that LOVE healthy food!
• A joy and LOVE for the GYM! Worshiping Jesus there is the BEST!! Something about blaring praise music and praying and worshiping with my body in motion - maybe because I'm using the whole Temple that He's given me - is just maaaarvelous! 
• I have been through several short and long term fasts (and a few failed ones) and have learned (continuing to learn) that fasting is not about weight loss...it's about being obedient and responding to God's call to a deeper relationship- more trust- more focus on Him and His WORD! I can't believe it, but God has actually taken me through the "biggest" accomplishment in the fasting realm to date... (well, almost through (I have 3.5 more days))... a 40 day liquid (juice) fast!!! WOW GOD!!!

The results of this fast have been wonderful!! I asked for God to give me more spiritual wisdom, understanding, and discernment.... and He HAS! He has shown me SO MUCH about HIM!

I asked Him to show me more about me- what He wanted for me- and HE HAS! He has outlined my overarching priority (build a Temple as his sanctuary), as well as three other priorities for me right now (1 = a vision for the future  2= a project for now and  3= my "work").

I asked for a healthier body and He gave me that too! I am rested. Rejuvenated. Cleansed. And I've lost 30 pounds! God has also given me a vision for how to "keep up His work"... and shown me the importance of doing so! He has encouraged me with a wonderful verse (1 Chronicles 28:10 "So take this seriously. The LORD has chosen you to build a Temple as his sanctuary. Be strong and do the work.")

ALL GLORY TO GOD!!

Our Pastor, often says "take the next step, whatever the next step may be". I know that this is all a result of doing just that. Even if I just look back a step or two, I see that it took me months to finally say "yes" to God's request that I give up sugar but when I did (in February), He BLESSED it!! He not only gave me the strength that I needed to be obedient, but He eventually trusted me with another step!! (The step that followed was His request that I partake in a 40 day liquid fast.)  MY GOODNESS! It's SURREAL!! HOW does this WORK?!! WOW!!! (I'm floored!)

I have been blogging along the way in the fast and I'll "publish" all those in a bit. I'm sorry in advance for anyone who is getting my blog in their "Google reader" account because I am going to BLOW that UP for a minute! :)

Thank you, LORD, for LOVING me SO!
Keep doing the GREAT work that you are doing in us.... until it is finished.... on the day when Christ Jesus returns!! (<--based on Philippians 1:6)

<3

Circumcision

In Genesis 17 El-Shaddai (God Almighty) gives Abram-turned-Abraham the covenant (promise) of making him the father of many nations, etc.

The TERMS of the covenant are that we must be circumcised. That's it.

Philippians 3:3 says "For we are the circumcision..." (For we are the circumcision, who in the spirit God serve, and boast in Christ Jesus, and not in flesh trust. <-- that's from the Greek... not a translation.)

Those of us who worship God in the spirit and rejoice/trust/boast/glory in Christ Jesus and have no confidence in the flesh ARE the circumcision! We are the flesh that was cut away...  Should I get crazy and talk about how that flesh that is cut away has to die.... how when it is cut away from the rest of the body it becomes dead flesh?  Sure, because if you are the circumcision, then it means that you are en-route to your NEW LIFE in Christ - the sacrifice and atonement for our sins! Dead flesh becomes new life in the spirit by believing and trusting in JESUS!

Genesis 17:11, 13 (NLT) says "You must cut off the flesh of your foreskin as a sign of the covenant between me and you. All must be circumcised. Your bodies will bear the mark of my everlasting covenant." 

We are the ones who are cut away...

Mission Trip To-Do List

When I go on a mission remember:

• Pray for God to send more workers.
• Take very little.
• Don't stop to greet people on the way (they may lead me off course).
• Whenever I enter someone's house, first say "May God's peace be on this house." I think this shows my intention as well as blesses the house.
• Don't go from home to home. Stay there and eat and drink what they provide. (Don't hesitate to accept hospitality because those who work deserve their pay.)
• Eat whatever is set before me.
• Heal the sick (FAITH needed, please).
• TELL them that "the Kingdom of God is near you now".
• If they don't accept me, tell them that I leave them to their fate.
• Remember, Jesus has given me AUTHORITY over all the power of the enemy!!! (Don't rejoice because of this power, rejoice because my name is registered in heaven.)

Thanks Luke 10.
:)

Ribbon on Salvation

I just want to tie a ribbon on my battle with myself to "figure out" WHEN I was "saved". I've been wrestling with this off and on for at least a year. While on this little [wonderful 3 week] retreat, God has been revealing some AWESOME stuff to me, including giving me clarity about that! :) :)

So.
In 1991 when I decided to "accept" Christ so that I wouldn't go to hell... despite getting baptized... I didn't have an awareness of my depravity and my sin so I couldn't truly call on Jesus to SAVE me. I didn't know (in my heart) what I was being saved from except this IDEA of "Hell".

In 2005 I DID realize my sin and truly BELIEVED that Jesus (the Risen Lord) came to die on the cross to free me. So I called on my SAVIOR to save me and He did. I was regenerated as my old man (my rotten, stony human spirit) was replaced with a new man (a fleshly and responsive human spirit) and the Holy Spirit came to dwell in my spirit.

From that time on, God, through the Holy Spirit, started working in me...breaking me. Flipping me from a woman who was ruled by her flesh... into a woman who is ruled by her spirit.

January 2, 2010 marked the day that I experienced my High Priest tearing the veil between my soul (self) and my spirit- freeing my spirit to rule and reign over the rest of me. When I got to the end of myself and recognized that the only way to live/to go on was to allow someOne else to take control, then the double edged sword could do its work! (Based on Hebrews 4:12.)

Now I have a different - powerful - intimate - relationship with God - my human spirit guides me by the influence of the Holy Spirit (who lives in me).

Satan and my flesh CONSTANTLY wants to regain control, so it will be a lifelong battle of keeping my body (flesh) and soul (will, mind, emotions) in submission to my spirit (which is in fellowship with the Holy Spirit). If I let body or soul have the reigns, I am dragged away.

Anyyyyyway. I just wanted to clarify that.

<3

Frustrated No MO

GOD IS SOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOD TO ME!!! He answers EVERY PRAYER!! I was just OVERWHELMED with STRESS because I had to figure out this new stupid FTP Client thing (GoDaddy discontinued their Java Client (which made me mad mad mad.... or actually... the guy I spoke to on the phone about it made me mad mad mad!))!!! I fussed with a new option for a while and it just got me more and more frrrrrrrustrated because I couldn't figure it out!

Anger and frustration is NOT Christ-like and bordering on sin (I wonder if it IS SIN?)...anyway, I laid down on the floor to spend time with Jesus and, of course, He comforted me! [joy!]

After He calmed and comforted me (and I sufficiently prayed for this to be easy), I came back to the computer and tried again and it was only a few minutes later that it WORKED and it was EASY!!!! :) :)

I'm elated... Comfort from God Himself AND Neetobreathe playing in the background as I type this- what more could a girl ask for??? Oh! A gorgeous view! Look at my view from the Summit Lodge (right now)! 

 

 Jesus LOVES ME!!