I don't know what to do. I now realize that I am a Pharisee and I should not be blogging my private offerings to God (prayers, fasting, etc.).... so now what? DELETE them? Maybe. I have a few more days for God to show me what He wants.
"Watch out! Don't do your good deeds publicly to be admired by others, for you will lose the reward from your father in heaven." Matthew 6:1
I feel like in a way, He likes me being transparent and open like this so that people can learn (and so that I can remember).... but that's making it about people and/or myself and that does NOT HONOR HIM. Ugh.
Quick revelations and then I've got to get off this computer:
1. I'm a Pharisee and what sorrow awaits the Pharisees! (Luke 11:42)
2. God allows spiritual attack to strengthen me and teach me how to use the authority He has given me (Luke 10:19)
3. I strive. I do things because I think I should. I don't have to do anything. I just have to wait on God and He will do them for me. Today I wanted to call someone to ask them about warfare, and God reminded me that if He thought that I needed their help, He could have them call ME. Trust Him. Live in Him (only).
FYI- yesterday was riiiiiiiiiidiiiiiiculous AFTER I blogged, everything fell apart. I had HUGE panic attacks throughout the day. (God didn't let it get to the point where I lost my nuts and bolts and thought I was in the MIDST of a heart attack... but I felt the pending heart attack most of the day.) I wasn't able to read anymore of my book and I was overcome with anxiety and fear. I took a nap thinking that would help, but woke up quickly when I had a dream where God showed me that I had to let my body die in order to live. Right before I let myself die, I woke myself up!
God was gracious to me and gave me prayer warriors and distractions and He was certainly TEACHING me through it- but it was scaaaaaaaary!
On the other side of it, I see that God was doing one of two things (or both)!
1. He was responding to my prayer from yesterday about wanting to be a martyr and beginning the process of teaching me how to suffer and trust Him.
2. He was giving me the opportunity to feel and fight the enemy to try to strengthen me as it will be a constant battle if I live in the will of God.
I learned SO much (and journaled pages upon pages about it)... but I won't get into it here. I just need to REMAIN CLOSE to Him and ALWAYS keep my eyes on Him!!!
(Note, the version of this song on the Passion 2011 disc is INCREDIBLE!!)
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