The Fast is Over

I don't have the time or gumption to blog about this right now but I wanted to just tie a bow on this whole "Fast" thing. The first post in this list, "Miracle", was actually the last one I wrote...so check that out.

My fast ended on Monday, April 18th at 6:30ish and I ate a half an apple for my first food. It was anti-climactic. I have gone downhill since then... I ate a cashew (that I had been dreaming about for weeks) on Tuesday night (despite the fact that I wasn't supposed to eat nuts, oils or breads for at least 5 days). I have now been gorging myself on whole wheat melba toast and matzo crackers and tomatoes with olive oil and salt, kashi cold cereal, vegetables, fruit and whatever "healthy" stuff I can find ... but I'm STUFFING MYSELF....and today (day 4 of off-boarding) I want to HIDE from God.

I'm filled with shame....and sin.... gluttony...

The [food-addiction] monster has been awakened in me and it's bigger and more out of control than EVER and I HATE myself!!!!!!

I shouldn't post this. I know I shouldn't. But it's real. If I'm gonna put the rest of my garbage on the internet, I'll put this up there too. I'm so quickly coming undone...falling apart....and this is my cry for help.

I'm about to go get those darn TJ's ice-cream sandwiches (and I haven't eaten sugar since February)... I want SMORES tonight. I want want want to fill fill fill the void void void.

I'm out of control and out of touch and I want to CRY.

By the way, we had a TORNADO go through my neighborhood and backyard on Saturday (4/16). I should do a separate blog on that some other time. I'll just tell you that this MAY be playing into my emotional distress - it was a very big deal for me.... but like I said... I'll do a separate blog.

I need to go shopping. Gonna make a blueberry pie for Le'Anna's family.

Love you.
Thank GOD that He loves ME despite myself.
I have to repent of my sin... I have to pray.... UGH.... I want to want to pray.... I'm a mess. :(