The Fast: Day 16

I'm weary.
Have I said that already?
I am. The last two days have been tough... just trying to keep up. Yesterday was a "Refuel" worship service at church and I was serving and hoping SO BADLY to be FILLED... but it didn't really work. Darn!!

I know, I know....if I want to be filled, I need to be intentional about being filled by Jesus... intentional about spending more time with Him.

Yes,
I've been spending about an hour to an hour and a half in the Bible a day, an hour-ish in prayer a day, and an hour-ish worshiping (at the gym, in the shower, in the car), and an hour-ish reading a Christian book, and I've been spending a couple hours walking and talking with people about Jesus.... but it's not enough. It's not right. I'm not right. My heart isn't pure.

The focus is on me or on others, NOT on Jesus.

God has shown me that in my attempts to walk in the Spirit, and desire to disengage my soul completely, I have neglected the important emotion that comes from my soul's interaction with life. I've become very somber.... my prayers are not filled with any emotion- my focus is only on the will of the Spirit in me and what the Lord is saying. I want to live and breathe and move in spiritual REALITY (not experientially/ based on my efforts). I think there is a way to marry the joy of life with the truth of the Spirit- after all, a fruit of the Spirit is joy and God constantly tells us to REJOICE ("Whatever happens, my dear brothers and sisters, rejoice in the Lord, I never get tired of telling you these things, and I do it to safeguard your faith." Phil 3:1) Whatever happens.... rejoice.

It's possible that the dullness I feel to the world is a result of the fast- I am surely chemically depleted and I don't have full fuel to all parts of my being.

I need to rest.
The Lord has called me to rest. This fast is intended to bring me into a place of dependence and submission to Him so that I may more clearly see and acknowledge His ways and His plans.

He keeps telling me to forget people.  That I must live in the Spirit and love by the Spirit and REST in Him. He has called me to retreat to His arms. He is dealing with me on my pride and perception of self and my role in the life He gave me. He has me thinking about my past and my future and about how none of it matters if I remain in Him. I just need to respond to what He whispers to me- He will light my path, one step at a time.

AWESOME word from God to me (through my journal) this morning:
"Don't measure God's prompting by people's expectations."

I have been so selfish - focused on mySELF. I'm deceived and twisted.
I MUST focus on GOD- on His character and His love for humanity and what HE wants...

I will wait for you.

He says wait.
Wait.
Wait.

I'm waiting.

I'm so grateful that God gave me Watchman Nee to teach me- so far Watchman's lessons have been exactly what my soul thirsts for. (I read "Spiritual Reality and Obsession", and "The Breaking of the Spirit" and I just began "The Spiritual Man".) A.W. Tozer's "Life in the Spirit" is also a gift of confirmation. God is helping me to realize that I am not alone.

I feel alone. I know that a part of that is Satan trying to drag me off into a corner, but part of it is the lack of genuine Christians. God is working in a big way though- hearts and minds are being opened.... there is an awakening happening all over the world (I am a fruit of God's grace, blessed by His favor.... I must take my responsibility seriously though.... not take it for granted... not hold it for myself...I exist for the GLORY of the SON OF GOD who IS COMING BACK SOON. I need to get with the program and get to know my Savior and the Word He has given me so that I may be of use to equip those He has chosen to do the work of reconciling the world to Himself.)

God is working on me about  my role as woman and the blessing that is. He has been talking to me about my exterior- about being overweight (this is a HUGE topic, one I'll save for a later blog post), and how I must care for my temple because it reflects back on Him, as well as on my future husband, as well as on myself and others around me.

He has also begun to dig up some of my "feminist" hurts. Woman power, etc.! I hope He continues to speak to me about how to handle my experiences and perceptions and show me the TRUTH. And then how the truth relates to society's - especially Christian society's - view of a woman's role.

I have needs and strengths that are different than a man, and yes, I may be weaker... but I am also equal. (1 Peter 3:7)  I start to get twitterpated about feeling pigeonholed into man-made expectations and then God reminds me that I am His daughter- an heir of the Most High- and if I stay close to my Daddy, and follow His leading, then I cannot stray off the path He has for me.... so if I look to Him and just keep saying YES to what He tells me to do, I should not and can not look around me at what others are doing or saying or how they are judging me.

Bitterness wants to get me with this. 

Oh, but if God wants me to help plant churches, then I will help plant churches. If God wants me to start an international relief organization, I will start an international relief organization. If God wants me to write a book about church planting, then I will write a book about church planting. If God wants me to be the supportive wife of someone who will do these things, then I will do THAT....all I know is that He has planted seeds in my heart and I cannot let PEOPLE or their expectations scorch the fruit of God's plans.

"Your vision is too small" said the Lord.... He said it to me through my pastor, Jimmy, who God said the same thing to six years prior.  God does not want us to have small visions. GOD DOESN'T HAVE SMALL VISIONS and if we are close enough to God to see what He sees, then WE won't have small visions either.

I'm leaving tomorrow to go to the mountains on a three week retreat. I can't wait.

Re: the fast, I am going to spend some of the time doing just the "master cleanse" juice fast (lemon juice, maple syrup & cayenne pepper), and I am not going to do much exercising (I will miss the gym. Jesus is at the gym - I love worshiping Him with my body)... I'll just be doing lots of reading and resting in the Lord... letting Him lead me and teach me and love my heart.

He is SO good to me. I don't deserve such favor. He really IS so close.

Yesterday and the day before, I felt like He was further away... I was calling out to Him to come save me... I felt the enemy attacking....tempting me with food, telling me how hungry I am... telling me that things of this world could fulfill me.... people and food. Satan's minions put pictures of food all over the world.... burgers and turnovers and pizza and told me that if I eat, it would make me feel better... but by the grace and power of God, He got me through. More temptations will come. I must remain close to God.

I have two more "work" assignments and then my focus can be on getting OUT OF HERE and to the mountains... I get to walk with my friend this afternoon and then we have rehearsal tonight. I SHOULD clean my house and at least mow the front yard.... hopefully God will give me the energy to do that.

I know I'm rambling... a lot.... I'll stop now. :)

I love you, God.

(March 24th, 2011 1:47pm)