Backbone and Matrix

1:33 (saw 12:21 MIRROR number today too...ha!) And 12:13 and 13:12.
Paul and I had AMAZING talks last night until the wee hours. I need more sleep but it was important. 

So this song - "Backbone" by Nahko just jumped out at me and it was so beautiful. About the relationship between ME and me. Love it so much! Thank you God!
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=P1k1eI2DMo0&feature=share

Today is Matrix day.

___

10:18 - Beautiful date night with Paul. We went to Texas Steakhouse for a delicious dinner - he had steak, I had chicken. We started with onion petals and key lime pie (me). Fun! 

Paul wanted to see the movie at the Howell and although we were 35 minutes early and it made more sense to go to the Smithfield Theaters where we would have been on time - 5-10 minutes early. Anyway, I'm SO glad I followed Paul to go to the Howell.... it was SO SPECIAL! We were THE ONLY ONES in our theater!! We had the whole place to ourselves and the movie was GREAT ... I need to process and integrate but it was so much about Aeonic Pairing/Hierogamic Union and the rise of the divine feminine/Holy Mother's influence to remind the divine masculine who HE IS. 

About 10 minutes in I started having massive chest pain though.... panic attacks wanted to get me... very strong feelings and I had to just feel into it and surrender and then I noticed that there was so much energy and love and power coming through from in Paul who was holding my hand. He didn't know what was happening with me but supported me so much. 

I had a big release/cry at the end when Trinity flew and held Neo. It was just incredible!!

Mirror mirror on the wall

9:33. SO MANY numbers today and all day. I've currently got an injured 8D (right thumb) this past week... and today my 7D (left ring toe) got banged up pretty bad. I just saw 8:54 8:48 probably 8:44... just lots. I saw 1:11 2:22 2:34 5:55 and many many more. 

WE ARE working. 

Paul is here. It is beautiful and it is hard. 

MIRROR. That has been a theme for me so much this year and that's what we've got going on now... Paul is a mirror of me and I need to LOVE what I see. I need to SEE it and I need to LOVE it. And I need to ACCEPT IT just as it is in this moment. 

Today I was proud of myself for being brave enough to tell Paul that I accepted that he talked and texted etc. with other women (I didn't share that I thought he also probably slept with them or messed around with them ... maybe he didn't sleep with them... maybe swapped oral sex. That last night in the hotel.) ... anyway... these are not my "wrongs" to "keep a record of". I have to let go. Surrender. I screamed out the other day through my heart to God that "I quit!" meaning that I surrendered and was going to let Source drive. But I keep taking back the driver's seat. 

Anyway, it was very cool that I was nudged to share my sentiments with Paul while we were at an intersection with Routes 421 and 132 which is 7 and 6... this is what we are working on now. Wing trauma. And I need to navigate how to best handle this. I told him that I recognized it was his work to do and my work was to be a compassionate witness and that I am in the business of dragging the darkness to the light (or something like that... that's the phrase I usually use but I was guarding my words around it at that time for some reason). Anyway, I invited honesty and left it there. So there it is. And it's hard for me to leave it there. But I have to.

Then tonight I smelled cigarettes on his right hand as he put a piece of popcorn into my mouth. So there we go. Ding ding - round two! This has come up lately ... encouragement or quotes or something that I can't remember exactly but basically I realize that I have another shot at this thing - this is what I saw with Tyrone... and the cigarette thing in particular... and lack of trust... and lying/deceit and I hate it so what do I do??

I TRY TO DRAG THE DARKNESS INTO THE LIGHT.

But I can't drag it. First of all "trying" = striving not surrender or responsiveness. Second of all "dragging" = pulling.... like pushing/pulling = witchcraft and NOT what I want to do. I need to remain in NEUTRAL and allow PAUL to have HIS experience and I have to stay out of it. BE A COMPASSIONATE AND LOVING WITNESS. Accept him in this moment just the way he is! AHHHHH!!!!!

My "dragging" creates shame in a way. And it may nail the habit in deeper. And even my request for honesty allows them to be "off the hook" because "she knows so she obviously allows it"... you know? Then I become a player in something that is NOT MINE TO PLAY. AHHHHH!!!

This is the lesson. So how do I deal? Remain aligned with Source and LOVE.

We had a BEAUTIFUL meditation time on the beach today! I felt incredible kundalini and energetic flow between us. I sat between Paul's legs as he sat on a rock. Both of us were barefoot and in the sand and rocks at the ocean with Manson and it was wonderful! 

I'm amazed at all the parallels. Feeling very much that Paul and I are mirrors of each other and that we've had lots of parallel experiences. Even today I asked him if he liked okra (I was editing a menu for Malai's NYE where it mentioned it) and he also hates it because it was so slimy! Very funny and wild! There are so many things like that.

And our 9:48 "service to self" mentality coupled with our spiritual hearts and practices and our Source connection coming online. Feels like we are both Indigo3... actually Indigo 1, 2, & 3 and in leadership training. I think that if we can learn how to work together we can be very powerful. LOVE IS THE KEY, the GLUE, the POWER and the MEDICINE. 

I feel unglued ungrounded right now some... feeling timeline shifts. I don't want to be the one causing it. And I can't do anything about it. I have to just watch. LOVE. Watch. It's okay to cry. It's hard. It IS. But you have so much support! Thank you! We need to help Paul find and love and anchor into himself. You ARE "the big guns", love. This is your time. "We are on time"... and as you were talking about today... as Paul said "physician, heal thyself"... embody tikkun olam so that you can vibrate at that resonance and BE tikkun olam for the world. But it starts here. It starts with your ego. And learning to just let Paul be Paul. Let Paul DO Paul. You focus on YOU and LOVE Paul (and YOURSELF, of course. That's the ONLY WAY.) 

The addictions, the lies, the STO... and more... it's so hard to see. But I see that is/was me and what I'm healing too. We think we are so special and that people should just think we are so great and beautiful but we are flawed. We aren't perfect... our bodies.... Paul's body isn't perfect, just like mine isn't. But we have the audacity to judge others. And think we deserve perfection and that people who are perfect should want us. This is an emotional rabbit hole, I know. And I want to delete it, but maybe I shouldn't since it's real. I'm overweight, frumpy, don't dress well, don't even WANT to dress well, and I'm just weird. I'm sure I walk funny and I am very wrapped in my own world. 

The thing is, I've got this incredible attraction to Paul. He is my beloved. I have never wanted to make love to someone like I do with him. He thinks its his Satanic side that has the power over me, but it's his Oraphim side. We are ONE. WE ARE UNITY. We are meant to hold this field together. It's an absolute MIRACLE. He thinks he is doing this with his mind and intentions and in a way, he is, but it is for his healing.... for drawing him back to himself. And to ME, for drawing ME back to MYself... remember, this whole thing is between ME and me. And I need to embody my Source which is the divinely balanced and eternally loving Sophianic or Mother frequencies merged and balanced with the Christos or Father frequencies. (The Sophia-Christ = ME, the EXPRESSION of Mother and Father and what we came to embody in this Earth plane.) 

I need sleep. 
I'm grateful for Paul. He's my true Beloved. I do not consent to sickness, fear, division, or anything that would separate us from our mission and purpose in God. 

I wanted to write about the sex. I wanted to share how I felt like I wanted to open my whole chest up so my heart could touch his. We laughed so hard at that. We had the best connection last night... passionate, loving, laughter, and healing... just power power POWERful!! 

I ate ice cream today and my body doesn't feel good. I am overtired and need sleep. I missed the 10:01 because it's 10:02. Maybe that's okay too. It means something. Maybe we are moving on or maybe it's encouragement that I see the mirror and want to hold neutral still-point as a compassionate witness?

Tomorrow I need to take CDS again. I do not consent to sickness. But I need to sleep. That will help. 

Okay. 

Denebola

Is THIS the star that was sending me the rainbow vibes last night ... tag teaming with Sirius? Both with their rainbow (aurora) support beacons?

I just tried to figure it out with my stargazing app. I need to look in real-time tonight if I'm up. I can't imagine I will be up again though... at 2:00-3:00 in the morning? 

Well, I've learned that Denebola is the "Lion's Tail" in the Leo constellation. Paul is a Leo. Why couldn't it have been Jeff? He had his chance too but it wasn't him. We love each other super duper much too but also would have been hard. TRUST GOD. Paul is THE ONE. (For you and through you and with you.) YOU CAN DO THIS. I know and see your fear. 

I think he had sexual relations with someone else last night. Could be psychic attack and could be real and either way, it's not for me. It's for me to compassionately witness and collapse it through LOVE. 

Anyway, I googled the image of this star and it looks a lot like Paul... this vibrant diamond white light and purple. Amethyst Order. Cetecean. 7D Gaia.

WE ARE ON TIME.

He'll be here tomorrow. I'll be leaving for the airport in 24 hours. He'll be almost here. Hopefully comfortable in first class. Hopefully Manson will be sleeping and comfortable and okay... poor guy. God, please take care of Manson!

2:14 We had a terrible experience with Moses this morning.... we = royal we. Moses's head got stuck in the fence and he was choking himself and panicking and almost broke his own neck and was suffocating! It was TERRIFING!! I was on my bed texting and thank God the heat wasn't on so I heard the ruckus with the fence but felt the energy - I started running and fell down and kept running desperately to get to him! I could hardly think to get him out but I did. We held eachother for a minute or two and then he was okay... shook it off. But VERY SCARY!

Last night Bobbi Jensen was in my dream...we were becoming aligned or working together on something in a store. 

This morning so many people talked to me - Kirk, Candice, Misha, Melanie, and Paul a little, but he's hiding. He's on the fence about telling me but I'm not giving him a warm and loving environment to air these things. He's not comfortable "confessing sins one to another that we may be healed".... he's just clogged up still. So am I, but he's in a bad way. This is what we are here to heal. So LOVE HIM!!

Hang with ME. We have each other and you LOVE HIM and show him how to love himself.

____

Beautiful conversation with Paul. He said he is feeling disconnected from Alaska now. We talked about how he is coming home and how his energy is going to shift. I need to remember that. We (I) joked about how I'm requiring a PHD level dissertation on my emotionality and how that's not fair because he's been going through SO MUCH.

I have a poison dart in my being from talking to Julie and how she said she felt the same as I say I feel about him - the deep soul connection. I think he is a strong spiritual being and we are all "genetic equals" so she and he could have been like Tyrone and I... opportunities to heal and restore ourselves out of the Fallen Melchezidek state...and they tanked too. And he ended up in the pit too (in the form of homelessness, etc.) So actually this is more like a "parallel life" situation.... and again, WE ARE ON TIME... he is my MONADIC partner anyway... not soul mate. Tyrone and Julie were maybe soul mates... and we needed those relationships to heal on a soul level. But now it's time to put on the HGU as the Aeonic Pair WE ARE.

This is truth.

Thank you. See. We can work everything out. And again - we just need to LOVE one another. "Let there be LOVE!" 

I let the rest go. I CHOOSE to let the rest go. 11:11 <-- is where we BOTH choose to be on a scale of 1-10 about how excited we are to be together. Now if only I could not be so puffy! (Well, stop eating CRAP. But it's my coping mechanism.) 

We will carve ourselves out of the Shreks... rise like Phoenix!

Today a beautiful grey heron flew all the way across my field of vision from Bonnie Lane over the riding arena over Sioux's pasture! What does Heron say? Go inward? Meditate?

I pulled a Teal Swan "Labyrinth" (32) card that said to just hunker down...that I'm in a state of confusion and just don't make any decisions. Wait until the path is clear. 

I pulled a Judy Hall crystal card - Herkimer Diamond

Archetypes for each other's wounding

What do I need to see/learn from this daily AG pick?

A Lunar Eclipse occurs when the Moon passes directly behind the Earth into its umbra (shadow). This can occur only when the sun, Earth, and moon are aligned (in "syzygy") exactly, or very closely so, with the Earth in the middle. 

When sets of eclipses occur the cosmic forces of alchemy alter frequency current and manifest new potentials in creation for shifting one's consciousness in either direction of polarity. Thus, this tetrad of lunar eclipses alter the magnetic field and magnify the Galactic Zodiac influence, the alchemical principle of the current constellation transmission into the planetary grid.

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Lunar_Eclipse

Also:

Today I think I get to meet HAZEL!!! 

___

4:22 I am in tears and have been sobbing reading the gridwork notes from Mhairi and Sequoia.. I can't even say exactly what I read but it was very personal and powerful and an update on what we've been working on as a "ground crew". Definitely felt the connection to Kelsey there. 

I'm not sure if it's psychic attack or an insight but I had a thought that Paul is talking to other women - this has come up the whole time with me - this fear of him "cheating"... but it's not for me. He can't "cheat"... I AM and HE IS. WE ARE. The rest is the work to get there. If he is talking to, having sex with, whatever... other women... I surrender it. 

I saw a message pop through that sounded like the way he pinpoints body parts as a sexual fantasy text game. When we first started talking he said "your neck" to me and I felt the sexual golum-type energy come through it. This was a month or two ago. I said I couldn't go there with him at the time because I was working, but I felt the call through it. 

Just now he said "my neck, my back" (not sure of the punctuation).... and then deleted it quickly. I think he sent it to the wrong person - I think he was talking to someone else. And he wanted their attention on those parts of him. So I felt into it and I surrender it.

I sent him a note saying that I accept him in this moment just the way he is .... actually I said this:

I accept you in this moment just the way you are. You are fully loved and held in the light of God (Source, Universe, whatever). Peace and healing be with you, beloved.

...and that's all I can do. He needs to go through his process. We are both here to transmute and heal the sexual misery program. He has to choose, on his own, to transmute porn, cheating, lust, all that stuff. I have had to work with pedophilia, rape, trauma, fear, frigidity, etc. 

The only way to heal is through LOVE. And ACCEPTANCE. Of self and the other. WE ARE ONE. I think my self-acceptance and Paul-acceptance helps him find his own Paul-acceptance as well as Carissa-acceptance.

I'm the one who has hurt him.
He's the one who has hurt me.

Not "technically" in these skins in this life, but we are the archetypes for each other's wounding. And we also are each other's divine beloved. THIS IS WHAT WE CAME TO DO. To work out. To HEAL. 

Thank you God for this insight.

Paintings ES Post

Noticing 44 changing to 45 now. (8 to 9)
Noticing 23 changing to 24. (lunar to solar)

ESF post. Been a long time! 4:04/22

Hello beloveds! It's been a long time since I've written.
I haven't had much extra bandwidth this season ... or maybe I was afraid of splatting the container with satanic and other unpleasant energies (which I've been swimming around in as part of my work)...or maybe I didn't know what to say (and still don't)...

Those are some of the reasons I haven't kept up with this journal. There are others. Fear of black magic and/or the energetic backlash from other's thought-forms... not being sure, myself, what is/was going on. INUNDATION of energies and experiences and not having the the space or not making the space to process them....

I still don't really. But I did feel moved to share (place in the container) two paintings that have come through in the last two months. These are of my newfound beloved Paul... one of a layer of his higher self and one of the two of us together.

Wow! Yeah, I didn't even write about Alaska! I went to Alaska in November!! Crazy grids up there, ya'll. Very intense (and some dark) experiences. (I had a dream before I went where I was standing at the corner of a field and holding a big pipe that had all this sewage/miasma draining out of it.) I hope to go back again - the focus of my attention was, of course, Paul and feeling into our relationship. There was work happening on many levels though, so I don't feel TOOOOO bad. I just feel like my teams wanted me to go to Denali/Talkeetna and I didn't get there.

I DID have the opportunity to spend a day with our beloved ES sister, Eliyanah, and had one of the most beautiful days I've had in this incarnation! She took me to the top of a glistening mountain overlooking the Matanuska Valley, and we drove on a gorgeous winding road along a river basin with massive Alaskan mountains on either side ...they had snow blowing off their peaks and it was just stunning! She even took me on a hike in a nature preserve in 3 degree (fahrenheit) weather! (She also brought me a nice warm Alaskan winter coat to borrow for the hike!) It was a hoot and blast! My favorite stop was an indigenous Russian graveyard ... we need some clarification from Eliyanah about how this worked... there were these little houses built over the graves. All I know is I had recently had memorable Russia-related dreams and it was a miracle that she thought to bring me there (she didn't know about this at the time and said she was following a hunch to stop there, thank you God). I stood in the middle of that place in the snow and cried... it was powerful and beautiful release and connection with the grids there. We saw an eagle fly over when we were driving too... sounds like that's normal for up there, but it was really special to me! (I also saw a Raven one day!) Eliyanah made me dinner which I enjoyed with she and her beloved (powerful and wise spiritual warrior, Chris), and took me to the airport! Just perfect!

As far as Paul goes, this is a story for another day, but suffice it to say, we are signed up and buckled in for the work we are meant to do together. It's not going to be easy - I have so much lunar distortion yet to transmute (the solstice prayer/meditation/gridwork was incredibly supportive toward that!) And we both seem to have some pretty heavy assignments here, especially Black Sun and NRG distortions, so the real work will be fortification of our lightbodies and alignment to Source and clinging to God and each other in LOVE as we follow our guidance to do what needs to be done.

I've already found myself really struggling with ego... falling back into old patterns of fear, control, codependency, vampirism, manipulation, etc. I actually had a shot at templating a HGU 10 years ago but I flunked out by clinging to my ego and 3D programming vs. letting go/God. This time I feel more equipped with the tools, community/friendships, and some additional wisdom from experience so I am praying that I can remain aligned to my Godself which causes those negative ego distortions to lose their power. I've had a little practice with this so far, but we currently live 4000 miles away from each other... not for much longer though. Eep! (He's moving here to NC soon - feels really aligned for lots of reasons related to (my hunches on) lineage, gridlines, solar embodiment process, etc... but I won't get into the weeds with all that right now.)

Part of me wonders if I'm being tricked into not interacting as much with the forum - like is there an entity trying to keep me distracted and away from it? It is definitely a source of strength, connection, and Guardian oversight... but it could also be that I'm just actually really inundated ... which I feel like I am. I've been reminded that now's when the "Rubber Meets The Road" (one of Lisa's old newsletters). I do remain connected to the container through my daily processes (glossary pick, suggested for today, quote, affirmation, and talk to one or more ES friends daily)... but am feeling like I need to carve out more time to interact with the forum which is a beautiful source of information, experience, entertainment, and especially practice compassionate witnessing. Well it feels like I've descended into some negative ego ruminations so I'll stop here. I didn't actually intend to write anything - just trying to follow guidance to put those paintings in here, but alas, the babble bug won out.

Sending love and gratitude to all my courageous brothers and sisters who are here enduring the intensity with grace (including tears, laughter, and all the raw emotions that ride through on the truth spirit). I love you!

Solstice

Today is the day!

I had a beautiful cry during Dr. Sue Morter's 108 Sun Salutations. I am listening to it... not doing it, but I am called to doing more yoga. So much pain is stored in the body. Emotion. Time to break out. Here's a prayer I put in the container:

Beloveds, I step into this container with gratitude for your support and love! What a wild time! What an honor to participate in this reclamation of all that IS in Unity, Truth, and Love. WE ARE!

I offer and invite prayers for my sister, Corie Phillips, and our beloved sister (and my niece) who, it appears, is beginning her journey from the womb through her mother's birth canal on this beautiful and powerful day! I am her compassionate witness. We hold space for her in love. We are grateful for the Guardian support wrapping this beloved soul (and my beloved sister) in the diamond rainbow aurora light of God.

If it resonates and if you have time and a prayer bubbling to the surface for these beloveds, you have my gratitude for your love and support.

But I AM.... WE ARE... all in UNITY being born today. Our sister/niece is the micro for the macro representing this shift. 

____

Co-dependency and narcissistic vampirism are not acceptable. I cannot cord on to anyone ... my cord needs to be between my Godself and earthself.... that's what I need to FORTIFY. Keep my heart and mind on ME. All the rest of this is an opportunity to PRACTICE connectedness with GOD in the midst of all these layers and dimensions and energies. 

LOVE PAUL for ME. To strengthen my connection to GOD. 
I am healing my connection between spirit and body. I AM.

Could our beloved niece be called Cardinal, Aurora, Sophia, or Solei (or a name that means sun)? 

12/21 12:21 (actually it's 12/21/21 12:21)

____

Timeline collapse? I had to witness it. Feel it. I pushed Michael. Like I pushed Tyrone. I was impatient and angry... I was in a yoga and sound bath and  ("You can't rush your healing" song is on).... and Terminex came and the dogs were barking and I think/thought that they were scaring the terminex guy. Michael always meets them and he said he had just started his "15 minutes" (double points on his spanish lesson/game). So he stood by the door instead of going to meet the guy... just stood there. I got angry and got up... the guy was out of his truck looking at Michael who was looking at his screen/game and I opened the door and pushed Michael out. 

It was an act of violence. There's nothing else to say about it. It was violent and controlling and absolutely awful. 

I proceeded to go back to the sound bath and just felt into it and felt around... the sound bath was INCREDIBLE... one of the more powerful experiences in my life... I hope I will listen to the replay. But it was definitely colored by this ugly situation. Michael came in screaming at me - so much anger and ugliness and names and words - I just felt them. I didn't engage. I wasn't ready. It came in the bath...with the bath. I just tried to keep feeling. 

When it was over I knew I needed to face Michael and apologize and own up to it. I did. He started with more names and vitriol. And I agreed with him. It was awful.

Then God had Elaine call me and I had to confess it to her. 

FORGIVENESS is the name of the game she said (well, she said it nicely... not "name of the game")... but that's it. I need to forgive myself. For what I did to Michael and Tyrone and the DIVINE MASCULINE in general. 

I don't know how to let this go. I am angry at myself and have been so angry at all the people. I have tried to get back at all the people who have hurt me. I've been so hurt. How do I heal? By LOVING MYSELF. I love myself to wholeness.

There's nothing I can do or change with anyone else. I need to stop trying to control everyone and everything. I am only in charge of myself. DO ME. That's it. 

When inclined, I can interact with and respond to others, but my focus needs to remain on ME.

_____

JUDGE JUDGE JUDGE. I just want to judge and put people in boxes and compare and be critical! They aren't good enough, fast enough, smart enough, whatever enough... all the things.... this is not okay.

____

Our niece came today! Magical little girl! 4:41pm 8lbs 8oz 21.5 inches on SOLSTICE 12/21/21! (Apparently I called the date too which is neat!)

She's so beautiful! Looks like Jerry so far!
______

I'm having a lot of feelings about Paul. Fear mostly. I don't feel particularly close or connected to him and I don't feel like he's particularly spiritual or aligned with my mission anymore.... I don't know if it's the stress, distance, substances, or what...but it feels scary. He's got everything boxed up and ready to go. He's sleeping on a cold tile floor. And I just want my house to myself. I'm not ready. 

I keep TRYING to be loving. I just need to actually BE loving. Feel into the Sophianic energies and embody the Holy Mother Divine Feminine. 

It's about time to listen to his session. I need to maintain compassion and clarity about him. Number one, we are parts of each other... I believe that. So this is part of RRO and recovery of our soul fragments, in a way. This is the WORK I need to do ...that I came to do. THIS is TIKKUN OLAM...healing the world. I do that by CHOOSING forgiveness and grace and faith and to take my eyes OFF my perception of what he is or isn't doing and just continue to FORTIFY MY HEART and LIGHTBODY and LOVE. 

It feels too hard.
But I was made for it. 
____

"From the pinnacle to the pit" - Ghost

____

Kelsey mentioned my niece's birth time was 144 backwards. And Misha mentioned that she is the original occupant of her body and recovering all 144 pieces. 

That's what we're doing. Amen.

___

Nausea again.
I got really sick last night.... kundalini flu I guess.

___

Hopefully getting Paul into a hotel for these last 3 nights... it's not good for him to be on the cold tile floor. I'll feel much better knowing he is getting a good rest. This is what we do for our pack leader...for our beloved.

Day before the sun is born

My guides gave me this song today and I just looked it up to check it out and the lyrics are perfect for my love for Paul!! Wild!!

Turning Japanese: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IWWwM2wwMww

It's now 12/20 at 9:21 9:22

Today I had my first (and last!!??) Brazilian Wax!

I ate terribly and gluttonously. A lamb shwarma small pita with hummus and tabouli from Neomonde WITH baklavah pieces and a cookie (which I threw half away - not good. The baklavah pieces were amazing though!)
For dinner I had Chic-fil-A... spicy chicken sandwich, fries, lemonade AND 3 chicken strips.

I got some fun things and snacks (no sugar though) from an Indian grocery store - fun!

Spent maybe 2 hours chatting with the O'Malleys on their couch which was fun!

Went to the LAUNDROMAT and washed the comforters. That was interesting. Nice interaction with a man there - he just said "hi" and I said "hi" back. It was nice though. And a nice interaction with the man in the drive-thru at Chic-fil-A ... I think my smile brought him cheer and he gave it back to me!

God, could my niece be born tomorrow? That would be so neat! Niece!! Tomorrow? Wednesday? I was hoping for tomorrow (solstice) but I'm feeling you are thinking Wednesday - 22. That's a good number. Wild stars these days. Wild that you are coming now! THANK YOU! I can't wait to meet you!!!

I think both Paul and I experienced CEN (childhood emotional neglect). I think I have become narcissistic as a coping mechanism, maybe. I definitely struggle with that ... half of me. The other half struggles with co-dependency. 

I think I'll take a bath. 
I need to get the wax out of my butt. And sooth my poor damaged vag. She riiiiippppped the skin right off! It was terrible! But she was kind and patient. I gave her a $20 tip. 

It's time to clean my body and mind out... to remove distractions from my connection to Source. A little leaven leaveneth the lump and I need to get these discordant items out from my body. Tomorrow I want to fast.... maybe I can do liquid if I must, but I want to "eat" meditations and clearings and energy.

I want to listen to Paul and Kelsey's session but I want to be clear first. It's important.

And to feel good in my body. 

Scrambling energies and how to eat.

So many amazing 10:33 energies, experiences, numbers.

Thank you God for not giving up on me... please, Carissa, stick with your Godself... She wants to guide you into HEALING and TRUTH. 

I'm being called and trained to COMPASSIONATE WITNESS all beings, but the most important one is beloved Paul. I've GOT TO LEARN to just be there to HEAR and LOVE him. To be God's eyes, ears, and heart. This was an excellent article: https://energeticsynthesis.com/resource-tools/news-shift-timelines/1532-compassionate-witness

Read it again and again!!

Blanket of Light support group was beautiful. I'm very scattered and not as coherent as I'd like. 
Paul had a session with Eliyanah/Kelsey today that sounds like it was very supportive and beautiful, thank you God!!

This came through an email. A marketing email from one of my astrology apps... seems prettttty on point!

Was it "impulsive" to join with Paul? It looks and seems like it, but it also seems ALIGNED. Why do I assign negative connotations to that first sentence? It doesn't have to be. 

11:54 Okay, so that motivated me to buy Paul's chart on that app for the compatibility report and it was GREAT. Soothed my heart after the TimePassages compatibility report. We actually have a lot of the same constellations in the same houses/planets (?). Very interesting. 

Well, I'm tired. I ate pasta (delicious with vegetableY sauce made with garlic, scallions, onions, kale, green onions, cayenne and homemade tomato sauce from the garden).... that was dinner. But today I also had two pieces of bread ... no, three including the "Daily Bread" and then also 2 bagels. Carbs. Stress eating. Stop it!

Feeling a little scrambled.

Watched a video with Michael as we ate our pasta - it was about RH negative blood and DNA and antigens. Interesting. 

MY JOB is to remain aligned to MY SOURCE. Don't get pulled off. Co-dependency as well as vampirism have been problems for me in the past. Keep my LOVE, FOCUS, ATTENTION on ME. MEET MY OWN LOVE AND ESTEEM NEEDS. Also allow space for Paul to meet HIS OWN. He's got to learn to do that. I can and must love and support him to connect with himself in that way. (While also remaining committed to connecting with myself.)

He's pulling an all-night packing party! (Party for one.) I question what he's doing because I care about him, but it feels critical and he's sensitive to that and needs lots of affection and appreciation. This is going to be a challenge... but a beautiful one. As long as we love each other, we can get through anything!

Tomorrow I'm supposed to have my first (and probably last) Brazillian wax!! EEEEEEP!!!

I had the chocolate Kaachava today. Tasted good, but chocolate is not my friend. 

I had some cheese in the pasta. There is milk powder in the MRE and I need to take it again tomorrow to see how it affects me.... I think I just need to eat meat. There are fillers and processed pieces to that MRE stuff especially. Both... I think it would be better to eat Dr. Wilson's diet. Just more work and less taste... no. The taste of the other stuff isn't good either. And it's sweet. But it is easy. This is my job right now - to figure out how to feed my body. 

I think NO SUGAR or processed food.... or dairy. Very little dairy. But I probably need to eat fresh (cooked) meat and vegetables. And some healthy carbs... oatmeal... daily bread is okay. Even a few of the blue chips. And sardines. Yeah. I think I've got to do Dr. Wilson's program. Or a hybrid. 

One smoothie a day with meal replacement stuff plus hemp plus collagen. And one DW meal with meat and veggies? And one snack. And one piece of bread with almond butter.

morning - daily bread with almond butter and supplements
late morning - smoothie (1/2 kaachava, collagen, hemp, and maybe 1/4 MRE if body is okay with it)
early afternoon - blue chips with sardines or hummus
early evening - meat and FIP (veggies)

FAST until next day. 

That sounds pretty good. Could I do it?

Gobsmacked

I am.
What an honor. I am amazed by the energies. Seeing aurora rainbows everywhere... not just in sun, but the whole sky is made of them. And God sent me - I think - a perfect friend, a smokey quartz for me.

And vultures...flying over, criss-crossing on the air currents. Dropping liquid plasma light into my being.

And visuals of a man and woman in unity - hugging. Paul and I. And the messages of what's going on... I know I can't share from the forum but this is cloaked and I want to remember because it feels so personal and WHY Paul is coming NOW. "We are on Time".

I'm just floored.
Get grounded.
And it's much better to stay in my own heart and follow my own heart. I've been playing in lunar and ego trying to please Paul. I can't. I won't. It will just spur on the stuff that his GS (godself) is trying to drop. We are here for one another. We will heal one another in love...not by efforting in the flesh, but by surrendering to Source. WE ARE.

Thank you God. Thank you for the "Initiation" series. What was it "IN-MA" no. I don't know. The people from Sirius. I think that's me... this Sirus connection ... that star has been transmitting to me, especially at this time... this is my time. 

And we're moving into more TRANSCENDENCE on the other side of this solstice. And Ophicus. It's the last day and it's been so powerful. Did I tell you what Kelsey shared about the shooting stars? Apparently it's an annual meteor shower that comes out of Gemini (which is the "twins"... these are soulmates or twinflames)... this is Paul and I. And no wonder they are so powerful. 

The world conspires to bring us together... for just a time as this. (That "the world conspires..." is part of a quote that's not coming to me right now, but this thought is legit.) Thank you God for letting me be a part of something special! ("Wash it away" "stay humble"). 

So get back in the sun. Sit. Feel.

Yesterday and today I had such anger, irritation, annoyance, impatience come up... I was angry while walking the dogs and dragging them along. Angry that they wanted to sniff and stop. Today I was angry that Moses was leaning against me and scratching or biting or moving... it was just this TOXIC energy ... seething... I can now tap into the depths of hatred. I need to. Smokey quartz is coming to help me feel INTO these shadows. This is a gift and part of me.

Today I started washing with "Phoenix Rising" soap with an Apache Tears crystal in it. 

___

Kirk's Planetwatcher email today is ON POINT. So crazy how synchronous it is with my whole life and existence!! Thank you God!!

From: PlanetWatcher <kirk@planetwatcher.com>

Subject: The Theory of Evolution is self-hatred propaganda

Date: December 17, 2021 at 12:03:23 PM EST

To: crwages@gmail.com

It's a lie intended for mind control. If the levers of control were obvious, they wouldn't work. Lies mixed with truth are more believable. Through our beliefs, we can be easily manipulated into predictable behavior patterns. By depicting us as a form of advanced ape that grew out of the primordial sludge and survived because we're the fittest, it's easy to see ourselves as superior and to justify our dominion over everything. Our ignorance can be a weapon of mass destruction, but we're not simply destroying our environment. We're destroying ourselves because we don't know what we are. This is perhaps the most important reason for the deception. Our non-human controllers don't want us to believe that we're human. They promote the beliefs that make us better livestock.

We're not the product of natural selection. We're the result of genetic manipulation and inter-species hybridization. The controlled narrative depends on shortening our history to the last 6,000 years, ignoring ancient advanced civilizations such as Atlantis that dwarf our accomplishments. If we knew how they self-destructed, we wouldn't make the same mistakes, but then we would advance beyond our controllers and free ourselves from the lunar matrix. The chimera effect induced by forced inoculations is one of many strategies to confuse our identity and alienate us from ourselves so that we can no longer accurately assess compatibility in preparation for the ultimate hybridization currently unfolding that erases our humanity.

The Crossroads of Destiny is about choosing our spiritual counterpart. Do we ascend out of this matrix through organic inner marriage assisted by uniting with our twin flame genetic equal (incarnate or not), or do we descend deeper into it by merging with technology instead? Eris is the gatekeeper that directs our collective bifurcation. Venus as ruler of Libra is a lunar inversion that replaces our heart chakra with our sacral chakra, redefining love as an act of consumption rather than creation. The vampiric black heart consumes to fill the unquenchable void of worthlessness, always needing to justify its existence by proving its worth, in endless pursuit of selfish gratification to dull the intolerable pain and horror of our existential isolation. The destruction of the planet that would otherwise occupy the asteroid belt is synonymous with our disconnection from God source, the fountain of eternal nourishment. Are we embracing the organic crystal heart or accepting an AI replica?

The financial armageddon being orchestrated now may seem scary, but Venus was over-extended in rulership of two signs, and the cult of the Golden Bull had infected our hearts. We're getting a divorce from money as symbolic of finite worth and our malnourished soul. The double station of Venus and Chiron during this full moon activation of the Galactic Center pushes us to redefine our values by embodying our inherent divinity and intrinsic worth. The Theory of Evolution is part of the zeitgeist of always more, always better, never good enough, that ridicules and shames our past (and by extension our present) and teaches us to reject ourselves, lowering our self-esteem enough to be loyal servants of abusive pseudo-parents. Blinded by our own insecurities, we don't see the trap we so easily fall into. What if the thing we're most ashamed of is the source of our greatest power? What if our obsession with progress is de-evolving us, moving us further away from rather than closer to our highest potential?

Seeking gratification is a coping strategy that never truly fulfills. It's a lifestyle in which we're forever in a drunken fantasy about future happiness, but the present moment is the only thing that's real. Avoiding the present obscures the source of our discomfort so we can never resolve it. How much truth are we willing to sacrifice for comfort? Venus is comfort. Eris is truth. Prepare to be uncomfortable. Destroy the fake peace that stands in the way of real happiness. We're surgically removing the sacrum from the heart, but fear not. Pain opens the heart, which makes us cry, which opens the eye. Then we can see.

____

reversal - loosh

Maybe I should write about this to myself instead of freaking Paul out about it. I almost wrote to Paul... I feel close to him and then spout all my thoughts....was nice to talk to him today... to see him and chat on FT. I wish I hadn't tried to add to/correct him about his intuition about the chakras. I wish I wasn't trying to "teach" him or "lead" him there. I have to just trust him to have his own path and understanding and I have to be okay with it being limited. 

But I got a GREAT AG pick today which felt really aligned 
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Azazael_and_Black_Lilith

I wonder if the cum in my mouth/oral sex infatuation is a reversal too? If we are supposed to have our sexual energies merge at the sacral center and create a vortex in that way, then isn't the release of them in the mouth creating a different type of siphon?

Paul acknowledged that eating pussy is connecting to a power source there and I feel like it's a bit like siphoning loosh.... eating loosh... taking that energy into the body as a food source. It's very moloch-tank like. And it would make sense that he would think it would be the same for a woman and man... 

But I want to be ORGANIC. CORRECT our energy flows and reversal currents.

I'll just have to feel into it, I think. FEEL it. My job is to be PRESENT and ALIGNED with MY SOURCE and LEARN and COMPASSIONATELY WITNESS myself and Paul and that which is borne from our relationship.... 

This is a big deal. This is going to be very interesting. I listened to Charlotte's 11/29 session about me and Paul. And I think it's right on (as well as concerning) that our merge is like two water flows coming together... fresh water and sewage (not that I'm super fresh water, but this was the analogy so I'm going with it)... it takes a while before the fresh water clears out the sewage so the water runs clear... something like that. Maybe it's like running fresh water through a sewage pipe... that makes more sense that way...eventually it will run clear. 

God, please help Paul and I to run clear. Help us to fulfill our mission and heal one another in love so we can extend that to the earth in tikkun olam. 
12/15 10:55
11:11/15 11:13/15

Songs

 Uncanny how this music is teaching me what's going on...in me and in Paul as I'm freaking out.

"you've got to take your power back"
"she's testing me"
Nahko - Take Your Power Back

Everything from the first song "Black Coffee" which called me to DANCE OUT ALL THE HEAVY EMOTIONS... to these songs with words like "BREATHE"... and all the insight. 

I think I'm feeling both disconnected from Paul and also really connected to him. I feel that he is smoking pot and it jacked me up too. He didn't tell me he was, but I just felt like it. And in general, he's not very connected to me.... and since he started smoking regularly, he's so different. He's also masturbating a lot and just throwing his energy away. But I don't actually like the sexual misery program energy... I just don't feel like I can handle this.

But now the song that is on now is saying "I was made for this"... and I know I was. I WAS MADE TO LOVE PAUL. And we were made to heal each other in love. But I don't know how to do that... I only know how to fall into LUNAR in order to try to manipulate to change to how my MIND thinks things would look healed. But that's not how it works. It works by SURRENDER and allowing things to be as they ARE and become what they will BE. 

Keep my Heart Open to Accept and Receive
Everything that Spirit has to teach that I need,
From how to speak, and how to sing, how to rally family
And make this collective voice ring
Well I give up then give in, stay and surrender
I am only man, I am only sender,
I am only You, You are only Me
We are only ONE We are only WE

But every scar and every situation,
help to put me here and I arrived at my station
Blessed to feel the stress and be certain I'll survive,
Blessed to take each breath, Blessed to be Alive
From the lowest of the low to the ecstatic bliss
I know one thing and this is it that I was Made for This
I was Made for This

-Satsang

"I'm the beauty and disaster of all of my ancestors" -Wookiefoot, Come To Life

Hunters Moon - Ghost
Who Am I to be loved by you?? -Needtobreathe

DANCE MACABRE - GHOST (the song...this is our beginning... RIDE OR DIE)

THIS MUSIC IS TALKING FOR HIM BECAUSE HE CAN'T. 

Surrender - Matisyahu

Honor

10:09 on 12/13 Wow! Another shooting star just now and it dropped lots of liquid plasma light on me... baptism by spirit. I saw one last night too. And tonight I think there was a second one and then right after that a giant black bird or shadow of a bird flew directly over my head from back to front and flew on ... exactly straight. And it also dropped liquid plasma light into me. What a baptism of spirit I just experienced!

What an HONOR!

And I feel Paul's guidance teams and all of us worked together to clear any discordant energies out of his car that had it not working... the process and prayer was so beautiful for me and built both mine and Paul's faith. 

I feel 10:12 activations especially in my chest ... front of the nadial. All week lots of that feeling of my breasts being electrified.... electricity running through my nervous system. Feels like chest pains but it is transits and activations. Just rest into it. I need to rest. 13/10:13

Lots of opportunities to choose better. Fighting with Michael isn't acceptable. Drop the ego. Be love. Drop the judgements. This isn't going to work anymore. We can't live or operate like that. Lunar is over. 

Today God sent Kirk with a message that I am hurting myself by falling back into Lunar and the answer is SELF-LOVE. I've been seeing that over and over and still keep falling back into it. I need to find my spiritual legs. 

You see Kirk's wisdom here. And right after I read this, I decided to pull a card from this same deck and got the EXACT SAME CARD!! Ahhhh!! I also had been thinking about the upside-down rainbow (in relation to the Energy Codes book). We are all so connected. It's uncanny!

I sent this to Paul today too. I keep falling back into the dang lunar. SELF-LOVE. Stay rooted in Source.

I've got to keep doing my clearings. Keep guidance close. Take care of my BODY and EMBODY. 

Jealousy has come up a few times. Mis-trust. Poor Paul. Fear. Is he dating, sleeping with, etc. other people? I surrender that. I'll just keep surrendering it. Trust our love and trust God's plan. 

Kirk mentioned "Satan also loves BDSM". I don't remember talking to him about that but it's interesting. These are so on my plate to heal through now ... satanism and sexual misery program.

How do I heal them? By loving and being authentic with beloved Paul. 

I tried putting our photo in the ES container today but it felt dirty... didn't feel right. It was like graffiti ... smattering some satanic darkness in there... it's not time yet. I held myself back from sharing today's AG pick which felt like it would be great for him, but it's not for me... I can't try to "teach" him... or even share. I can only have my own authentic experience and if for some reason he gets wind of that, that's fine...but I surrender trying to change him.

I DO SEE HOW DEEP HE IS.

So many big black magic belches and even a sneeze as I've been writing this. Thank you God!

Anyway, I DID take a couple "affirmation" screenshots before I switched my photo to Rue and I. Here's one I like. I also did the GSF blessing prayer for MYSELF today which felt pretty good. For Paul too. I do the marriage one forwithin him which feels good and right.

Amen. That was my affirmation today too...with just my face. But I'm happy to have Paul's face here in this one. Thank you, God, for this opportunity. Please don't let me mess it up!!

IN LOVE. 

Is this Paul: "Cosmic White Diamond Elohei in the God Worlds"
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Universal_Ankh_Body 
I'm crying reading this article - it's such an honor to be a part of this massive and beautiful mission! Earlier today when I took that photo... at 13:13/13, I saw what appeared to be an Ankh in it. I don't see it now, but I see the angelic rays...and all the colors... it's spectacular! And in the sun itself, it was so incredible and powerful...so many strong colors. And I got called to do the "Clearing the YHVH Matrix and 12 Feathers of Aquaferion" meditation today.... and yesterday, I think it was, I got the AG pick for "Hibiru Tribes"... it's just so wild! THANK YOU GOD!!! I'm HONORED to be a part of this. Really. Now be humbled too, sweet girl!

I'm not done with this painting yet... I don't think... but definitely see the Emerald in our eyes... I've been watching the emerald in both of our eyes....especially mine, really POP. It's so cool and beautiful!

Bunch of stuff in the snarl

 12/11 12:12

12/11 12:12

Started writing to Paul in an email window that I can share with him later if I felt like it. I write too much to him. I have too many questions and he’s got too much going on. Too much to do. I need to let him lead and reach out when he feels like it. He’s prone to overwhelm too… he’s human. LOVE HIM WELL. 

Have you ever been to an ecstatic dance? I went to a group one once and it was so fun! Now they’ve got that group locked into nazi muzzle usage which I’m not down with but we can have our own ecstatic dance sessions if you are interested! So lovely for the body!

Do you think we could just be spiritual siblings? 

I’m not sure I’m capable of holding your SM programming. I’m not sure you can hold my fear programming. We might blow each other up and that is NOT what we are supposed to do. Maybe if we just work together and interact together and live and love together, we can have a healthier impact?

I am terrified of falling into the metatronic reversal pit of doom, Beloved.

Can you please use my name when you talk to me sometimes? I haven’t given the Universe enough time to show you my need of that. 

“Hold on to the ones you love and let the light shine through” - Blessings by Hollow Coves. Just came on. This is my answer. 

I’m just going to talk to you here… my Love. My friend. I know you’re YOU but I just can’t … I”m just scared…. I don’t feel like I can work with, deal with the sexual perversions and reversals. Thank you for your support and love, God… Paul and Carissa’s Godself in UNION. WE ARE. You two are great together… but what can we do to support earth Carissa and Paul?  I need help.

So grateful for this song and the tears. 

“Breathe Deep”. 12/11 12:20

___

Didn’t send this either. I’ve been in a SNARL. Period came though and I’m so happy now!!:

Thank you for the Scripting book! I just finished it! Super good! Now to practice!

I hope you had a nice drive to work and I look forward to a tour!

How do you feel about my emotionality? Can you hack that? I was thinking you were going to have to deal with my fear, but yeah, the emotional snarls are not fun. Do you think you feel them or is it just from my words.

Communication is our biggest challenge and also one of if not THE most important piece of building our spiritual home/structure in union. 

Tell me about your communication practices, needs, experiences, wants, feelings, etc.

We are signing up to work on all this together... It is a BIG PROJECT that we are getting into. I guess I just want to know that you know and see that.

My sister was talking about why we don’t feel entirely safe driving with Michael in the car. It’s because he thinks or acts like he’s above it all - like he’s not completely honest about the risks. I’m scared in the car with him - false vibrato. (This came up because I was telling Corie that I felt safe with you, which was a miracle!)

___

Feeling so much better after getting period and fasting today so far. It's 6:31 and I may eat something now... we'll see. But I feel so so so so so much better! 

Glad to have worked through the pregnancy thing and good talks with Paul about it... but need to focus on LOVING HIM....and stop trying to change him. JUST LOVE HIM AS HE IS IN THIS MOMENT. 

I get crazy before period. Genuinely off my rocker. UGH.

12/11 6:44

I broke my fast around 8pm and then voraciously ate blue chips, salsa, plantains, sardines, and then grape nuts with berries and oat milk! MONSTER!

I need to get a hold of myself.

FEAR NOT.

Okay. 

12/11 10:43

Flying around

I'm a spiritual being having a human experience. 
I think most people think of themselves as humans having a spiritual experience. 

Interesting. Thank you God for showing me that.

Dreams of flying last night. Lots of working with Paul. Paul's HS is my best friend... my partner... my beloved. I have never been more connected to and in love with and ONE with anyone other than ME who I AM self discovering more and more... falling deeper in love with myself ... my precious inner child through my Godself who IS LOVE. What a ride!!

I just remember there were at least two times when I was with Paul in Alaska and I cried because I love him so much. There was one time I witnessed him do the same - cry because he loved me so much.

HOW DARE I DOUBT AND FEAR?!! What is wrong with me!!?

_____

7:55. I saw 6:55 and other various 55's today. I guess that's appropriate for the 10th and 15 days until Paul and the new life. 

I'm stress eating.

Paul doesn't actually SEE ME or necessarily want to... not his flesh self. His HS (higher self) is, of course, operating through his lower self, but I need to be cognizant of supporting his process without putting my own ego strings on him or it. First thing God said to me "this isn't about consumptive modeling". Part of me wants to be in my human ego self and wants him to want to know me in that way... his whole carnal appetite makes me want to play "trade for you caring about my carnal desires" which are allllll about EGO. 

This is my 2nd big shot at putting my ego in its place, in submission to my higher self, my Godself. My Source NEEDS to be the one running the show, but my inner child throws tantrums and my carnal self (whose LUST is for food, mostly... as a numbing mechanism). We've been dissociated for so long and now are being given the opportunity to PULL OURSELVES TOGETHER MAN!

But Paul doesn't actually care about me... his lower self... it cares about me in relation to HIS DESIRES/LUSTS...how to GET what he thinks he WANTS. 

BUTTTTT, his Higher Self... that guy is my true BELOVED... WE ARE eachother's beloveds. But the people in these flesh suits have a ton of miasma to work through. We are like skinny kids trying to do precision work while wearing one of those sumo wrestler fat suits. 

I'm schisming. Fear. Hormones. Do I surrender? Yes. DO I? No. I'm not ready to be pregnant. But I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES. It just feels like we have enough work in trying to support the ascension of Paul and of me. This is going to be so big. But I see how a child may be supportive in that role as well as an opportunity for an organic human to be borne for a new soul.... so GOD'S WILL BE DONE. But I want to work with Paul for a long time - 40 more years PLUS - to support the reclamation and restoration of earth. Tikkun Olam!

I couldn't...didn't... do the seraphim reclamation meditation today. I didn't do any meditation mid-day. You see how I'm fraying? I am letting myself go. "Letting myself go"... that whole thing ALREADY. Why? Stop!

Fear not, beloved! 
To thine self be true. 
Is that a satanic phrase? Well. I DO need to be. True to me. LOVE ME. Loving others is a part of loving ME. This whole thing IS between my earthself and Godself. But now we have a new layer to work with - a MIRACLE if we LET IT - another layer that is about UNITY in my united earth/Godself and PAUL's earth/Godself.

I have to let him do his own thing. Don't judge. Don't question. And I need to stay committed and steadfast about doing ME. WHO AM I? I AM. I am the light of the world! I AM THE LIGHT THE LIGHT I AM.

PAUL IS THE WAY. DEREK. PAUL IS DEREK. Ha! Yep.

8:26
If I haven't shared/saved this link before, I want to now. This is very interesting. One person's work and opinion based on their search and material, but there are lots of leads:
https://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/mistic/mistic_38.htm

00:55, but at 54 (12:54) I stopped masturbating.
I had been working at it for close to an hour probably and was finally close to coming (cumming may be the correct spelling). And I had some tiny conversations with myself throughout the session thinking that I needed to stop because it wasn't organic and feeling like I was jacking up my energy centers. My sinuses got blocked and I wasn't breathing... I was straining and the whole thing just wasn't natural. But at the end I felt the Red Wave upon me and I said "I do not consent to the red wave having a part in this" or something like that and I looked to Paul's HS (the painting is a physical representation of him at this point) and knew that I had to just wait for Paul. I don't want to do this without him. I'm not meant to. Training my body to respond to inorganic (NON-PAUL stimulus) is not good for me. I need my energy centers open for HIM. To UNITE with HIM and explore all this with him. I don't need to care about orgasms either... just UNITY.

The orgasms are in the sexual misery program the way I'm looking to them like a drug or accomplishment or something. I don't know...but I know it's not right. I will wait.

Also, I would like to script...oh. Not supposed to do night scripts. That's why it didn't work and I didn't get my period. Tomorrow I will script that I got it and I will get it. Today I surrendered to God and DO trust God and the whole 44 thing is up and I just need to let go and trust the Universe. Paul's and my Godself are working it out.... TRUST. ALLOW. 

I got a Dec 11 1:11 when I was sharing with Paul about the masturbation experience. 
5 seems to have been a theme today. Maybe related to Eternal Krystallah body? 11/1:18

FEAR (not)

I woke up freaking out, again, about Paul and this... also thinking I might be pregnant. I wondered if I got pregnant 11/26/21. Will it be a girl? Oh my gosh! And satanism and bondage?

Can't I just honor him in LOVE, not chains? UGH!

And with satanism, it's so ugly and there are so many distortions in it... some of it is so good though, breaking free of societal bondage and lies. Yehovah and Yahweh are equivocal to satan...false alien Gods... beings pretending to be God to steal people's energy and devotion and understanding and keep them CLOSED to the TRUTH that WE ARE GODS. WE ARE. 

So anything that breaks us of it... 
But blood is so distasteful. But I have to feel into it. There is so much that I need to feel into about the BLOOD. Right now especially. Ophicus. Red blood cells. Support the earth. Heal the blood. 

But I stayed up until, what, almost 3:30? and woke up at 8:45ish. I need more rest. 

I'm scared. Of this new life. Of Paul. Fear. What if our egos fight? 

FEAR IS A LIAR. Please remember.

So I freaked out today and then I sat down and I looked at the music list in front of me as I was thinking about closing the app and realized there is yet another message from God there.

So I just need to chill. Be fearless... play with Paul and on this earth. This is what I came for. FEAR NOT!!! I am walking through the valley of my own shadow but I have life eternal so just breathe!! Only one more time to step into a relationship with someone (Paul is the real deal and when we are together, we'll be together forever... I'm reading all that.... but this is it.) And ONLY I CAN. This is my project and mission. PAUL is my project and mission. 

And remember, beloved, you are not alone! You see the support you have?! SO MUCH. If you feel alone or scared, just sit with it and feel into it and wait. God... teams... support... is coming!

______

THE BOOK OF ELI... that's the landscape I saw yesterday when I clinked in to that scorched earth timeline.
11:43 11:44

7th harmonic of 11th sphere/dimension? 11/7 11/8/9 11:48

11:54 WE ARE
12/9 12:12 (I saw 12:13am last night too) Now with "Come Let Go" Dec(12) 9 12:13
TRUST THE PLAN

I got Consietta as my daily AG pick and this is a briefing on what I'm working with now WITH PAUL. 12:14...I have to remember that he is doing his piece and I am doing mine and our job is to LOVE and ACCEPT each other and PLAY and CO-CREATE a life of joy freedom sovereignty. FEAR NOT.

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Consettia

So here we go...
Totally in line. 

12:22 1:11 13:13 14:14

5:50 I just finished messing around with Paul's calendar pages... God that was HARD. Very yucky energies but we have to feel them. PLEASE DON'T LET ME FALL INTO THE PIT. Why would my beloved submit me to that? Why does he think it's okay to put that in front of me - I can't look like or live up to (nor do I want to) those women that he is attracted to. What the HELLLLLLLLLLCK! 

Michael just saw some of it and was yelling about how I'm making a mistake and I said I needed to go in to get my beloved. This is what I'm doing. Is this hero/savior? 100%!!!! Stop! So I have to stop hero/savior but I do feel like the universe keeps nudging me to keep moving forward. I DO feel like Paul is my long lost aeonic partner and this is what we have to do to restore ourselves. We are both messy. He doesn't communicate his fear to me much at all, but he must have some. 

I sent him this note a little bit ago. I just need to remain aligned to my own soul and truth. 

12/9 5:55

Miracle life

8:18/8 8:28/8 8:48 13 54(9) 8 43(7) 8:44 

Did I tell you that I had THE MOST incredible experience and meditation of my life last night. I asked to meditate with Paul's Higher Self and we pulled "OL Unioning" together and it was ... DAAANG.... better than the best sex ever! Every cell of my body was ACTIVATED and filled with light and power. I had goosebumps the whole time! The crystals and colors and connection was out of this world! Thank you God!!!

WHAT IS THIS?? It's a MIRACLE!!!!!

9:00 10:00 10:44 8/11:00

I would really like it if Paul said my name more often. I like to hear my name on his lips. Just now I said "I LOVE YOU DEREK PAUL NEWMAN!!" and he said "I love you too" (at 10:54 no less ...beautiful!) in response but it just doesn't feel as good as hearing my name. Should I tell him that or could YOU tell him for me? DP, my beloved's HS, could you please tell him for me? 

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12/8 11:08 11:09 11:11 11:44 11:48 111 3:43

6:51, well I cooked myself again in the bath. Made the water waaaay too hot and maybe put waaaaay too much epsom salt in (probably close to 4 POUNDS).... I drank a ton of water and then out of self-preservation psychosis I walked outside in the cold naked and stood there and felt in to the fire in my body. I believe this was to access a timeline which felt a lot like that Denzel Washington movie where the world was burned and sparse. I need to look up the title again. Reminds me of a prophet - Isaiah or Ezekiel... but anyway... it feels like that was a timeline that needed to collapse where the earth, Mother, was destroyed...burned... parched and dry and through this attention and collapse we restored water, nourishment, refreshment to the earth and it began to grow lush and green and life returned. I had to see something with binoculars and a vehicle that had like one of those chain wheels... what are they called...like a tank has? May all be restored to LIFE and LOVE.

Then I went back and laid at the foot of my bed and rested and breathed and went into a form of trance or rest and feel our teams were helping heal my body. There is a numbness in my left upper arm now, a bit. A shadow. Wants to be addressed. And fear. And spleen. And blood. And death. They want to be known and seen. 

I SEE YOU. Paul said it to me. Candice said it to me. I FEEL it. DO I SEE ME? Look in the mirror. I AM LIGHT. I AM DARK. I AM. 

2:54am...2:55am

I just spent almost 7 hours on zoom with Paul working on his calendar which he is passionate about. Whoa. It was good to hang out with him but he wasn't very efficient... he smoked pot and helped me when I asked ... I'm glad I helped as it helped him have a better calendar than before BUT it was pretty disturbing for me. Lots of his bondage and satanism stuff... by the end, we were more aligned, so it was a good exercise. And there was a part in the middle where he started talking about having ascension symptoms his whole life and tapped into some childhood memories which is really good. 

Lower self Paul is in need of LOTS OF LOVING and NOT the way he thinks. I need to HONOR him and RESPECT him and not judge and criticize him. I am not the best at that. Thank you God for the time tonight laying down... I didn't have any GREAT meditations today. 10 minutes with the Romeros and then whatever that was after the bath, but hopefully it prepared me to be present for Paul.

I want to tell him my need for him to say my name but I really need to wait for the right time or for God to move. 

His kidneys are hurting. I shared the article. He "read" it but said because of the language he doesn't understand lots of it. But he did see the relationship with the heart which is the part I felt for him too but then decided he couldn't be embodied enough (who am I to think that?)! Anyway, he saw it and read it out loud and I pray that this is HEALING REACTIONS for him.

I had this same thing in June, I believe.

When our heart is healed, there is a fire that is ignited inside the heart that is accessed and the fire in the heart is also in the Kidneys. There is a triangle that connects the heart into the kidneys, in our Lightbody. The kidneys are in the base of the triangle from left to right and the point of the triangle is in the heart. When the heart is healed, there is a twin flame ignition in our heart and kidneys, which shifts the heart configuration. Twin flames = structure of light within the heart. So two flames ignite in the heart. The Monad is the greater flame and the physical body is the lesser flame. When this flame is ignited, there is an ignition in the heart and a fire or vital essence that comes in to the kidneys.^[2]

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Kidneys 

So. I don't know. 
I was pretty freaked out and he went away to walk Manson or something and I put on my music and asked God to tell me what was going on and I got THIS SONG!

I laughed and am grateful and just have to trust this. Because what it APPEARS that I'm stepping into with this satan and perverted sexual mindset/sexual misery program is NUTS.

Okay, it's 3:06. Gotta go to sleep.