9:33. SO MANY numbers today and all day. I've currently got an injured 8D (right thumb) this past week... and today my 7D (left ring toe) got banged up pretty bad. I just saw 8:54 8:48 probably 8:44... just lots. I saw 1:11 2:22 2:34 5:55 and many many more.
WE ARE working.
Paul is here. It is beautiful and it is hard.
MIRROR. That has been a theme for me so much this year and that's what we've got going on now... Paul is a mirror of me and I need to LOVE what I see. I need to SEE it and I need to LOVE it. And I need to ACCEPT IT just as it is in this moment.
Today I was proud of myself for being brave enough to tell Paul that I accepted that he talked and texted etc. with other women (I didn't share that I thought he also probably slept with them or messed around with them ... maybe he didn't sleep with them... maybe swapped oral sex. That last night in the hotel.) ... anyway... these are not my "wrongs" to "keep a record of". I have to let go. Surrender. I screamed out the other day through my heart to God that "I quit!" meaning that I surrendered and was going to let Source drive. But I keep taking back the driver's seat.
Anyway, it was very cool that I was nudged to share my sentiments with Paul while we were at an intersection with Routes 421 and 132 which is 7 and 6... this is what we are working on now. Wing trauma. And I need to navigate how to best handle this. I told him that I recognized it was his work to do and my work was to be a compassionate witness and that I am in the business of dragging the darkness to the light (or something like that... that's the phrase I usually use but I was guarding my words around it at that time for some reason). Anyway, I invited honesty and left it there. So there it is. And it's hard for me to leave it there. But I have to.
Then tonight I smelled cigarettes on his right hand as he put a piece of popcorn into my mouth. So there we go. Ding ding - round two! This has come up lately ... encouragement or quotes or something that I can't remember exactly but basically I realize that I have another shot at this thing - this is what I saw with Tyrone... and the cigarette thing in particular... and lack of trust... and lying/deceit and I hate it so what do I do??
I TRY TO DRAG THE DARKNESS INTO THE LIGHT.
But I can't drag it. First of all "trying" = striving not surrender or responsiveness. Second of all "dragging" = pulling.... like pushing/pulling = witchcraft and NOT what I want to do. I need to remain in NEUTRAL and allow PAUL to have HIS experience and I have to stay out of it. BE A COMPASSIONATE AND LOVING WITNESS. Accept him in this moment just the way he is! AHHHHH!!!!!
My "dragging" creates shame in a way. And it may nail the habit in deeper. And even my request for honesty allows them to be "off the hook" because "she knows so she obviously allows it"... you know? Then I become a player in something that is NOT MINE TO PLAY. AHHHHH!!!
This is the lesson. So how do I deal? Remain aligned with Source and LOVE.
We had a BEAUTIFUL meditation time on the beach today! I felt incredible kundalini and energetic flow between us. I sat between Paul's legs as he sat on a rock. Both of us were barefoot and in the sand and rocks at the ocean with Manson and it was wonderful!
I'm amazed at all the parallels. Feeling very much that Paul and I are mirrors of each other and that we've had lots of parallel experiences. Even today I asked him if he liked okra (I was editing a menu for Malai's NYE where it mentioned it) and he also hates it because it was so slimy! Very funny and wild! There are so many things like that.
And our 9:48 "service to self" mentality coupled with our spiritual hearts and practices and our Source connection coming online. Feels like we are both Indigo3... actually Indigo 1, 2, & 3 and in leadership training. I think that if we can learn how to work together we can be very powerful. LOVE IS THE KEY, the GLUE, the POWER and the MEDICINE.
I feel unglued ungrounded right now some... feeling timeline shifts. I don't want to be the one causing it. And I can't do anything about it. I have to just watch. LOVE. Watch. It's okay to cry. It's hard. It IS. But you have so much support! Thank you! We need to help Paul find and love and anchor into himself. You ARE "the big guns", love. This is your time. "We are on time"... and as you were talking about today... as Paul said "physician, heal thyself"... embody tikkun olam so that you can vibrate at that resonance and BE tikkun olam for the world. But it starts here. It starts with your ego. And learning to just let Paul be Paul. Let Paul DO Paul. You focus on YOU and LOVE Paul (and YOURSELF, of course. That's the ONLY WAY.)
The addictions, the lies, the STO... and more... it's so hard to see. But I see that is/was me and what I'm healing too. We think we are so special and that people should just think we are so great and beautiful but we are flawed. We aren't perfect... our bodies.... Paul's body isn't perfect, just like mine isn't. But we have the audacity to judge others. And think we deserve perfection and that people who are perfect should want us. This is an emotional rabbit hole, I know. And I want to delete it, but maybe I shouldn't since it's real. I'm overweight, frumpy, don't dress well, don't even WANT to dress well, and I'm just weird. I'm sure I walk funny and I am very wrapped in my own world.
The thing is, I've got this incredible attraction to Paul. He is my beloved. I have never wanted to make love to someone like I do with him. He thinks its his Satanic side that has the power over me, but it's his Oraphim side. We are ONE. WE ARE UNITY. We are meant to hold this field together. It's an absolute MIRACLE. He thinks he is doing this with his mind and intentions and in a way, he is, but it is for his healing.... for drawing him back to himself. And to ME, for drawing ME back to MYself... remember, this whole thing is between ME and me. And I need to embody my Source which is the divinely balanced and eternally loving Sophianic or Mother frequencies merged and balanced with the Christos or Father frequencies. (The Sophia-Christ = ME, the EXPRESSION of Mother and Father and what we came to embody in this Earth plane.)
I need sleep.
I'm grateful for Paul. He's my true Beloved. I do not consent to sickness, fear, division, or anything that would separate us from our mission and purpose in God.
I wanted to write about the sex. I wanted to share how I felt like I wanted to open my whole chest up so my heart could touch his. We laughed so hard at that. We had the best connection last night... passionate, loving, laughter, and healing... just power power POWERful!!
I ate ice cream today and my body doesn't feel good. I am overtired and need sleep. I missed the 10:01 because it's 10:02. Maybe that's okay too. It means something. Maybe we are moving on or maybe it's encouragement that I see the mirror and want to hold neutral still-point as a compassionate witness?
Tomorrow I need to take CDS again. I do not consent to sickness. But I need to sleep. That will help.
Okay.
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