Flying around

I'm a spiritual being having a human experience. 
I think most people think of themselves as humans having a spiritual experience. 

Interesting. Thank you God for showing me that.

Dreams of flying last night. Lots of working with Paul. Paul's HS is my best friend... my partner... my beloved. I have never been more connected to and in love with and ONE with anyone other than ME who I AM self discovering more and more... falling deeper in love with myself ... my precious inner child through my Godself who IS LOVE. What a ride!!

I just remember there were at least two times when I was with Paul in Alaska and I cried because I love him so much. There was one time I witnessed him do the same - cry because he loved me so much.

HOW DARE I DOUBT AND FEAR?!! What is wrong with me!!?

_____

7:55. I saw 6:55 and other various 55's today. I guess that's appropriate for the 10th and 15 days until Paul and the new life. 

I'm stress eating.

Paul doesn't actually SEE ME or necessarily want to... not his flesh self. His HS (higher self) is, of course, operating through his lower self, but I need to be cognizant of supporting his process without putting my own ego strings on him or it. First thing God said to me "this isn't about consumptive modeling". Part of me wants to be in my human ego self and wants him to want to know me in that way... his whole carnal appetite makes me want to play "trade for you caring about my carnal desires" which are allllll about EGO. 

This is my 2nd big shot at putting my ego in its place, in submission to my higher self, my Godself. My Source NEEDS to be the one running the show, but my inner child throws tantrums and my carnal self (whose LUST is for food, mostly... as a numbing mechanism). We've been dissociated for so long and now are being given the opportunity to PULL OURSELVES TOGETHER MAN!

But Paul doesn't actually care about me... his lower self... it cares about me in relation to HIS DESIRES/LUSTS...how to GET what he thinks he WANTS. 

BUTTTTT, his Higher Self... that guy is my true BELOVED... WE ARE eachother's beloveds. But the people in these flesh suits have a ton of miasma to work through. We are like skinny kids trying to do precision work while wearing one of those sumo wrestler fat suits. 

I'm schisming. Fear. Hormones. Do I surrender? Yes. DO I? No. I'm not ready to be pregnant. But I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES. It just feels like we have enough work in trying to support the ascension of Paul and of me. This is going to be so big. But I see how a child may be supportive in that role as well as an opportunity for an organic human to be borne for a new soul.... so GOD'S WILL BE DONE. But I want to work with Paul for a long time - 40 more years PLUS - to support the reclamation and restoration of earth. Tikkun Olam!

I couldn't...didn't... do the seraphim reclamation meditation today. I didn't do any meditation mid-day. You see how I'm fraying? I am letting myself go. "Letting myself go"... that whole thing ALREADY. Why? Stop!

Fear not, beloved! 
To thine self be true. 
Is that a satanic phrase? Well. I DO need to be. True to me. LOVE ME. Loving others is a part of loving ME. This whole thing IS between my earthself and Godself. But now we have a new layer to work with - a MIRACLE if we LET IT - another layer that is about UNITY in my united earth/Godself and PAUL's earth/Godself.

I have to let him do his own thing. Don't judge. Don't question. And I need to stay committed and steadfast about doing ME. WHO AM I? I AM. I am the light of the world! I AM THE LIGHT THE LIGHT I AM.

PAUL IS THE WAY. DEREK. PAUL IS DEREK. Ha! Yep.

8:26
If I haven't shared/saved this link before, I want to now. This is very interesting. One person's work and opinion based on their search and material, but there are lots of leads:
https://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/mistic/mistic_38.htm

00:55, but at 54 (12:54) I stopped masturbating.
I had been working at it for close to an hour probably and was finally close to coming (cumming may be the correct spelling). And I had some tiny conversations with myself throughout the session thinking that I needed to stop because it wasn't organic and feeling like I was jacking up my energy centers. My sinuses got blocked and I wasn't breathing... I was straining and the whole thing just wasn't natural. But at the end I felt the Red Wave upon me and I said "I do not consent to the red wave having a part in this" or something like that and I looked to Paul's HS (the painting is a physical representation of him at this point) and knew that I had to just wait for Paul. I don't want to do this without him. I'm not meant to. Training my body to respond to inorganic (NON-PAUL stimulus) is not good for me. I need my energy centers open for HIM. To UNITE with HIM and explore all this with him. I don't need to care about orgasms either... just UNITY.

The orgasms are in the sexual misery program the way I'm looking to them like a drug or accomplishment or something. I don't know...but I know it's not right. I will wait.

Also, I would like to script...oh. Not supposed to do night scripts. That's why it didn't work and I didn't get my period. Tomorrow I will script that I got it and I will get it. Today I surrendered to God and DO trust God and the whole 44 thing is up and I just need to let go and trust the Universe. Paul's and my Godself are working it out.... TRUST. ALLOW. 

I got a Dec 11 1:11 when I was sharing with Paul about the masturbation experience. 
5 seems to have been a theme today. Maybe related to Eternal Krystallah body? 11/1:18