Today is the day!
I had a beautiful cry during Dr. Sue Morter's 108 Sun Salutations. I am listening to it... not doing it, but I am called to doing more yoga. So much pain is stored in the body. Emotion. Time to break out. Here's a prayer I put in the container:
Beloveds, I step into this container with gratitude for your support and love! What a wild time! What an honor to participate in this reclamation of all that IS in Unity, Truth, and Love. WE ARE!
I offer and invite prayers for my sister, Corie Phillips, and our beloved sister (and my niece) who, it appears, is beginning her journey from the womb through her mother's birth canal on this beautiful and powerful day! I am her compassionate witness. We hold space for her in love. We are grateful for the Guardian support wrapping this beloved soul (and my beloved sister) in the diamond rainbow aurora light of God.
If it resonates and if you have time and a prayer bubbling to the surface for these beloveds, you have my gratitude for your love and support.
But I AM.... WE ARE... all in UNITY being born today. Our sister/niece is the micro for the macro representing this shift.
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Co-dependency and narcissistic vampirism are not acceptable. I cannot cord on to anyone ... my cord needs to be between my Godself and earthself.... that's what I need to FORTIFY. Keep my heart and mind on ME. All the rest of this is an opportunity to PRACTICE connectedness with GOD in the midst of all these layers and dimensions and energies.
LOVE PAUL for ME. To strengthen my connection to GOD.
I am healing my connection between spirit and body. I AM.
Could our beloved niece be called Cardinal, Aurora, Sophia, or Solei (or a name that means sun)?
12/21 12:21 (actually it's 12/21/21 12:21)
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Timeline collapse? I had to witness it. Feel it. I pushed Michael. Like I pushed Tyrone. I was impatient and angry... I was in a yoga and sound bath and ("You can't rush your healing" song is on).... and Terminex came and the dogs were barking and I think/thought that they were scaring the terminex guy. Michael always meets them and he said he had just started his "15 minutes" (double points on his spanish lesson/game). So he stood by the door instead of going to meet the guy... just stood there. I got angry and got up... the guy was out of his truck looking at Michael who was looking at his screen/game and I opened the door and pushed Michael out.
It was an act of violence. There's nothing else to say about it. It was violent and controlling and absolutely awful.
I proceeded to go back to the sound bath and just felt into it and felt around... the sound bath was INCREDIBLE... one of the more powerful experiences in my life... I hope I will listen to the replay. But it was definitely colored by this ugly situation. Michael came in screaming at me - so much anger and ugliness and names and words - I just felt them. I didn't engage. I wasn't ready. It came in the bath...with the bath. I just tried to keep feeling.
When it was over I knew I needed to face Michael and apologize and own up to it. I did. He started with more names and vitriol. And I agreed with him. It was awful.
Then God had Elaine call me and I had to confess it to her.
FORGIVENESS is the name of the game she said (well, she said it nicely... not "name of the game")... but that's it. I need to forgive myself. For what I did to Michael and Tyrone and the DIVINE MASCULINE in general.
I don't know how to let this go. I am angry at myself and have been so angry at all the people. I have tried to get back at all the people who have hurt me. I've been so hurt. How do I heal? By LOVING MYSELF. I love myself to wholeness.
There's nothing I can do or change with anyone else. I need to stop trying to control everyone and everything. I am only in charge of myself. DO ME. That's it.
When inclined, I can interact with and respond to others, but my focus needs to remain on ME.
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JUDGE JUDGE JUDGE. I just want to judge and put people in boxes and compare and be critical! They aren't good enough, fast enough, smart enough, whatever enough... all the things.... this is not okay.
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Our niece came today! Magical little girl! 4:41pm 8lbs 8oz 21.5 inches on SOLSTICE 12/21/21! (Apparently I called the date too which is neat!)
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I'm having a lot of feelings about Paul. Fear mostly. I don't feel particularly close or connected to him and I don't feel like he's particularly spiritual or aligned with my mission anymore.... I don't know if it's the stress, distance, substances, or what...but it feels scary. He's got everything boxed up and ready to go. He's sleeping on a cold tile floor. And I just want my house to myself. I'm not ready.
I keep TRYING to be loving. I just need to actually BE loving. Feel into the Sophianic energies and embody the Holy Mother Divine Feminine.
It's about time to listen to his session. I need to maintain compassion and clarity about him. Number one, we are parts of each other... I believe that. So this is part of RRO and recovery of our soul fragments, in a way. This is the WORK I need to do ...that I came to do. THIS is TIKKUN OLAM...healing the world. I do that by CHOOSING forgiveness and grace and faith and to take my eyes OFF my perception of what he is or isn't doing and just continue to FORTIFY MY HEART and LIGHTBODY and LOVE.
It feels too hard.
But I was made for it.
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That's what we're doing. Amen.
I got really sick last night.... kundalini flu I guess.
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