Today's thoughts... so far

 Working on blog or journal note or question... not sure what it is yet:

Learning to love myself… in “that” way… 

Well, I’m actually not sure if I’ll post this in my journal or another thread because I really am hoping for some shared stories here…. I’ve heard from two sisters now about learning to …well… pleasure oneself in a Krystic way. 

As I unravel sexual misery programming, it seems like this is here for observation. 

A couple memories:

20+ years ago: Being cheered on by a couple college girlfriends who were trying to teach me how to orgasm. I was in the bathroom, laying under the tub faucet with legs spread, trying to stimulate myself… this was never pleasurable and turned very traumatic as I tried and tried and tried for what feels like hours. All I know, is that I came out of that frazzled and traumatized and it did not get me any closer to orgasm.

Pretty much all my partners being frustrated and disgruntled by my lack of ability to orgasm. It didn’t help that sometimes I would launch into a full breakdown (cry-laugh-cry- lose-my-mind) mid-sex. Poor people. 

There was a phase (20+ years ago) where I was going to lots of porn shops with a friend… he was gay and ended up being my first heterosexual sexual partner… 1 or 2 times… and it was terrible. But we drove across the country together in the throws of sorrow and addiction, and hit up lots of porn shops where he could go to those dirty booths (I went too sometimes) and I’m sure we picked up some gollums along the way. 

I finally figured out how to orgasm… with an electric dildo (Ai anyone?) when I was 30… and then went through phases of chronic masturbation… I would go for an hour or two collecting orgasm after orgasm after orgasm. 

I was “convicted” by the spirit of God that this was not healthy and told to throw the dildo out… so I did. And that was good. Unfortunately I fell back into it a few years later.  Same thing happened and again I was directed to get rid of it, which I did. So… now no orgasms… 

But they were reversal nail-me-in-the-sexual-misery-coffin orgasms anyway. Unfortunately I also have not had many enjoyable or connected sexual experiences with humans either. (My poor partners. Ego says I TRIED!!! But I have just been so damaged with reversals, splits, and fallen energy)

LATER: I didn't do anything else with this...  I thought about it a little more while driving to bring Michael some warmth. I don't think this is aligned with me... I don't feel like it's organic energy that is inviting me to masturbate... I think God's Solar energy is inviting me to sun my whoo-hah, but not masterbate... we are clearing those reversals and self-sufficiency embeds and selfishness, self-centered, self-oriented...self self self crap. This isn't for me. Both of my friends who mentioned it have some questionable stuff they are still working through (as am I, of course....this isn't a judgment, just for me to reflect on if I am comparing myself or my situation to them). It doesn't feel aligned to pleasure myself... I don't want any bliss... I want LEGIT GOD and KRYSTIC CONNECTION with my DIVINE HG PARTNER ONLY. In DRT. And for now, I need to just keep clearing and preparing my vessel. That's it. Thank you.

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Question I asked for the Galactic Heart Call... we'll see if it's answered:

I have been so looking forward to this gathering which is always enriching for me. Thank you for your time and love! 

I have had a burning question for you for almost the whole month now! A beloved sister mentioned that she heard Mhari talk about going through a process of integrating a gestalt consciousness during her monadic integration. First of all, can you tell me more about what this “gestalt” is? Lisa used the term in the last ESF call and I almost wished I had asked her this question but I was holding out to ask you. 

Context/why I’m asking: I have been doing this mirror exercise for a month and most of the time I am having to look at all these people who are forms of me, but not me…they are all their own people, with their own features… it’s quite surreal. (Kind of looks like what we see at the end of Michael Jackson’s “Black or White” video the way they morph into different people.) I just keep telling us/them “I accept myself in this moment just the way I am”. Anyway… I’d love to hear more about your experience and about the different manifestations of Gestalt consciousness (as it sounds like Solar Rishi are Threefold Founder flame gestalt and also whole races can be gestalts and maybe we have personal gestalts)??

Thank you!!  

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Is this Blue Tara? or Green Tara? Bluish-Greenish Tara? She jumped out at me two weeks ago when I was going through my artwork:

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ps. Mhairi & Sequoia's answer was very nice. At first I felt misunderstood and then Sequoia's energy came in and corrected that and then the encouragement to just follow my spirit... it's all new... came through. The whole Galactic Heart Group call was very good... help with releasing mental body and allowing what is to happen in physical body and that these physical symptoms are often ways our body is collapsing timelines and processing old traumas. Just rest... relax.... and release the mental body as much as possible. As far as my experience, I DO think (still) this is some sort of gestalt consciousness that I am connected too.... a personal gestalt within the Christos Gestalt...those God has given me? Like in my first journal article how I asked if we were part of the body of Lisa... these are parts of the body of Carissa, in a way. CARISSA has taken the role of "heroic probability" to work with all these aspects... to collapse and ascend them as a single soul occupied avatar Christos-Sophia being working toward the entire reclamation mission. So just keep swimming...just keep swimming. Thank you, God, for all the support!

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And THIS. This prayer that he wrote was co-created with my spirit ... he doesn't know it, but God is showing me... this is a HUGE lesson...  

So crazy. Today my quote of the day was "Hatred never ceases by hatred but by love alone is healed. This is the ancient and eternal law." ~A verse from the Dhammapada... which seems intense but it nudged me to bring love to Gabe. I realized I felt anger at him and I realized I couldn't heal ...well, anything... that way... so I decided to LOVE him... to just love him. And that's it. And got "Eye of the Storm" song again this morning... and it's just crazy... God is teaching me... Gabe may...probably is.... a placeholder teaching me how to prepare for my true HG beloved as I continue to foster my own internal HG union which is coming along swimmingly... I laugh, cry, talk, dance, flop, sing, everything with ME and it's so beautiful...but I do feel like I'm being prepared for my divine partnership as well where we will come together to serve the world. 

Maybe it's delusional but I feel like Maren doesn't like me, but I guess I get that... I don't think Gabe likes me either, but I also think on some level he knows about our connection. But as I wrote that I felt like Kirk energy came through... I don't want to be crazy. I don't want to perpetuate the Red Cube. Hm. Yeah. Good point. So... that's why I just need to LOVE... without expectations or concern about the outcome... in a spirit of harmlessness. I prayed for Gabe AND Maren... in my prayer this afternoon...it was beautiful... and his prayer (which I guess it's probably not okay to copy/paste from the forum) was an amplification of it. What does it all mean?

I still feel like we are both clearing Twilight Master timelines too. Well, God... I surrender this too. And I know my mental body wants to roll it around but my spirit said, don't worry about it... it will be here if you need it. Otherwise, you have observed it and now choose to be present. What's here now? Dinner? Feed the dogs. Okay.

ps. I also just want to note that I didn't even read/notice the title of his post until later, until I copied it here... that it says "I heard to post this".... I just SAW the prayer and knew it was a sign or message from God to me... wow. But let's not be crazy. I DO feel that crazy energy... that's the Red Cube, right? I guess we are both still able to be harassed by that and he's maybe being used as a dark portal to get to me? But is prayer bad? No, but the Red Cube madness hijacks the beauty and innocence of both your prayers. You see? AHHHHHHHHH!!!!