Lessons

 

Ages 22 - 44 = working out the 2D/4D split

Learning to be a compassionate witness. Allow everyone to go through their process... I do not need to impose my energy upon it in any way. It is not helpful to try to "help" them. I have become an unsafe person. I do not want this... I want to be a representative of Christ-Sophia... to be a vessel to hold the heart of God which only shines, not by my will or effort, but by my BEING... remaining ROOTED in Presence. 

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Later:

I guess the Electric Wars came up in my consciousness from the "Clearing Pain Traps" meditation. I read about them and then sat on the couch next to Michael and out of the blue impulsively punched him in the arm. WHAT? What was that? WHY? I didn't know. It really messed me up for hours... where did that come from? Why?

On my walk I wondered if it was anger and suppressed aggression on behalf of my divine feminine? Or feeling like he wasn't paying attention... neglect? betrayal? It was definitely some sort of retaliation. But it flowed through me without my agreement per se.

Today I wasn't as energetically wise or guarded as I should be...we went to eat a Burrito Vegitarianos at La Cocina and went shopping at Walmart. I ate more than I should have of the peanut butter pretzels... obviously I was working with some density and trying to suppress it or something... feed the pain body.

I knew I needed to tuck in and not really talk to any of my friends from this state of consciousness and I did anyway... and threw up (energetically) on both Misha and Laura ... especially Laura because I'm not being fully honest with her... it's hard... I love and appreciate her so much but I sense some inauthentic overlays that I don't hold enough neutrality (hardly any) to be able to stand in the midst of. I feel like I'm on a rocking boat trying to catch my balance when I'm talking to her. And I talk too much. 

It was good to see Dee today...but I have cognitive dissonance with her too... with everyone. 

I'm just going through a dismantling and need to be with ME. I know that ... so do it. ARGH.

Oh, so back to the punch... I punched Michael in his left arm (feminine side)... I DO think it was related to retaliation or wanting to release pain and anger around the Electric Wars. I don't need to know everything and I surrender this to God. 

But I don't want to be impulsive or abusive. Of course the accusations (and my action) with Tyrone came up.... I definitely did get physical with him. I pushed him that time in the shower... that was the day he left. I did that when I was angry (rageful) because he was disrespectful of my time and we had to go meet someone and he was taking his time in the shower. There is no excuse... this is why I did that and it was 1000% wrong. 

The other times I pushed him I was matching his energy... his crazy anxious energy ... I was mirroring it to try to get him to stop. The time I slammed his arm in the glove compartment was maybe me having more energy.... he was probably yelling about something... but I was losing my cool....had lost my cool. We had so much confusion and I don't know if I had had my head injury by that point but that definitely made me less capable of dealing with his shenanigans.

He said that I was the narcissistic energy vampire. I WAS co-dependant. Was he a gaslighter? Did he push my buttons? Was he kind and loving? I'd say no. I'd say he was tormented, anxious, angry, dishonest, and we were not good for one another. I was a control freak and in so much fear trying to manipulate him and every situation to create safety or peace or whatever my ego thought we needed. It was a disaster. 

The truth is that I am eternal love. The superimposed layers of fear have tricked me into trading access to my Lightbody for a perceived relief from some form of torment. That is ALL an illusion. I AM ETERNAL LOVE. If I can live in that... believe it and walk in it then we can continue clearing this mess and sealing up holes and becoming the vessel I AM (for Christ-Sophia).

Michael has been so kind and forgiving. 

It's not that he doesn't "want" you... he loves you and wishes things were different, but he is a different sort of being and your current contract is up. You've got another partner on the way, darling, when you are both ready. You will continue your work. He will be beautiful. You will be beautiful. Everything is unfolding just as it is meant to. Keep working on your own inner HG Union. 

Keep observing and surrendering EGO/MIND. Learn to observe, discern, accept, neutral IN LOVE. All of that with COMPASSION and KINDNESS. I pray for the spirit of Christ to inhabit my being and purify my soul. 

I need to be quiet. RESPOND IN LOVE. Only. Don't pick up the phone unless you are "prayed up". Remember that from Christianity? Yes. That's good though... only speak when you are aligned in heart with Christ-Sophia other wise you TEAR DOWN instead of BUILD UP. Forgive yourself...don't be mad ... this is how we learn. I LOVE YOU CRISTY. I do. 

To bed, dear one.