Strange

So strange. Ryan was nice and helpful today. He went with me to get hay and helped put it away and fixed where the chicken fence was coming down and fixed my door and we ate together and watched the last Celebrity Jeopardy and talked. Honestly. I told him I wanted to focus more on loving myself better and explained about how I give myself away to my boyfriend ...trade my personal self-care in order to try to achieve "unity" with my partner. It was eye-opening for me to see and say it that way. But he had looked at some ES stuff and it sounds like some of it was okay for him and he hated some of it but we had a decent talk about it. And for me, the main point is just to not push/pull and to focus on my own blessings. But we spent from about 4:45- 10:15 together. Some honest conversation. He doesn't like it when I say that he's trying to put me down to feel better about himself because he doesn't believe that and I shared my belief about the pain body and that I didn't think all of him felt that way, but that a part of him did. I need to ask better questions about his motivations. We touched on ancestral karma and multidimensionality and it felt like he wasn't a brick wall, maybe slightly squooshy wall. But ultimately I'm just grateful for my life and time. I had chest pains tonight and have had some head pains and numbness... some anxiety too, obviously. But I feel they are related to more energy coming in ... more support. And maybe Schumann resonance (which Kelsey brought up the other day). I need to work on Malai and sleep. So grateful for Jennifer, my friend, who sees me and loves me and we have great conversations. She's smart and kind.

Today I listened to some of Ryan's berating me in the recordings. It did mess me up and I thought I should call EAP but talking it out with Jennifer helped and my wonderful co-workers and just making it through the day. 

I signed up for Teal Swan's meditations too. We'll see what they bring and what they are coded with. 

Rosemary shared her overcoming V/V with her sister. I'm definitely working with victim/victimizer and hero/savior energies with Ryan. So much to learn and feel. Feels like we are both bravely continuing to face it. We both saw it today (in each other) too. Thank you God. 

Wasting my time

Am I wasting my time and energy? Throwing it away on someone who doesn't value it or me?

Today I spent a couple hours this morning at Ryan's after an abusive outburst, waiting for him to wake up and apologize and then to sip coffee and do our Sunday crossword puzzle. 2-3 hours CHECK.

I asked him to come over here to cook ribs to eat with football...to hang out. And he was mad at me for not putting enough seasoning on the jerky and won't eat any of it. He was mad at me for freezing the pizza (which I reheated for him). He berated me and blamed me and made a giant drama because I didn't use my words when he asked if I was looking at "pussy videos" when I was doing my brain training. I looked at him like he must be joking and that set him off again.

We went on a dog walk which was peaceful and nice. 

We watched TWO playoff games at his Dad's house... I was there for 4pm until 10pm. Wasting my life when I should be loving on MY FAMILY and MY LIFE and MY HOME and MY BODY.

I should be dancing, relaxing, bathing, cleaning, doing coffee enemas, playing with my animal friends and meditating with my tree and rock friends. I should be available for my human friends and reading and watching videos and maybe Lisa/ES...not sure on that...but I filled myself with POISON the last few days - so much GARBAGE - sweets and stuff that makes me feel bloated and gross and depressed.

Who is going to take care of me if not me??

Time to woman up.

Stop wasting my time and energy on someone who squanders it. 

No, Ryan doesn't love me. He will never love me. He doesn't have the capacity to love me until he learns to love himself. I can't love him well unless I love myself and I'm certainly not doing that.

I was glad to see Paul yesterday and feel his emotional poor me pity vampiric sucking depression energy and it's not necessary or helpful for me to be around that. He has been a taker the whole time. 

Love and value myself enough not to let jerks in. 
Prioritize myself and my home and my family....THIS is loving myself. Learn and do it, Beloved Carissa.

Heal your character and build virtue. God is with us. 

___

I'm ashamed it has gone so far. That I've allowed so much. That I've been so stupid in believing that he really likes me even though he shows me so often he doesn't. He's divided. We talked about it last night. I felt it. I feel it. I feel his heart's capacity for and love for me. But he doesn't ever show me or reciprocate it ...doesn't reach out to hold my hand or touch me. Maybe he did once when I looked at him. But again today he had his hand in a fist not to hold me.... like going through the motions. He doesn't desire me. And I'm just trying to get him to. It's toxic and unhealthy and harmful to both of us. I have to let him go and I should be intentional about it. I don't know if it's best to just cut it off altogether. I feel he wants to remain friends and I would like that too. We just need more space apart. And he can't try to control me - or talk badly to me or insult me. He can be respectful as a friend is. And I need to do the same. I don't own or claim him. His most used page on his phone is his porn site. I believe he's on there every day and probably many times. He hasn't made any effort to have sex with me in months. I made effort last month and he allowed me to sit on him one time, maybe two. And I just try to please him so he wants me more but I make him mad because my butt bled and he hasn't made any effort since. That's the one thing that he was able to tell me from his list of what he's looking for in a partner - someone who likes anal sex. And I have tried to. But he's not gentle or loving and frankly, he's just not good at sex...it's all about him and the act...he's trained by porn. Not about connection. He thinks he knows everything - about the way things are - but he's missing a major piece... spiritual truth and understanding. And mine is seeping away as I pour my life into his ... and he doesn't deserve me. Buck up Carissa, and start loving yourself. Feel how good it feels to do that!!! It feels SO GOOD!!!

Okay? Okay. I love you.

I love myself

 ...and I'm not going to let someone mistreat me anymore!!

Ryan left me in the Costco parking lot with a big truck loaded with Page's vanity to drive home alone and to go pick up pizza alone and to figure out how to deal with the box of groceries that he put in the bed that would have blown out and it was so heavy and he left me there. I was wailing and upset and didn't know what to do. Eventually I got my wits about me and unbungeed the back gate and was able to get it down and put it in the cab, but it was heavy and shitty and horrible. He then left me with this vanity on the back of the truck (over 300lbs) to get off myself. I couldn't get it off last night and it wasn't supposed to rain but it did and it got a bit wet. I just hired a guy (hopefully two) to help me get it off this morning. 

Ryan is rude, abusive, blames me for everything, gaslighting my LIFE. He's narcissistic, co-dependant, all that... he's a lot like me, but unhealed and doesn't want to heal. I want to heal. And he's drawing me backward. He smokes in people's face, swears like a sailor and doesn't care, and blows up and thinks he knows better than anyone and if anyone says anything about anything, he'll jump down their throats. 

Not a nice person.
He left his broken car in his sister's yard for a long time. I don't know the whole story, but today I understood. It's all about Ryan. He doesn't care how his actions affect anyone else. He's selfish and self-centered. When I told him I am those things the other day because I forgot to follow up on Davin's new dog, he took the opportunity to berate me. To double-down and say what a shit-head I was. He will never build me up. Only tear me down.

I don't need to be around anyone like that. 

I need to stick up for my precious Carissa. And this guy is NOT good for her. He's an absolute jerk. Period.

___

Addiction patterns I use to numb:

Food/sugar (eating caramel popcorn now. Have had almond caramel cookies. lemon bar. Pizza. Probably other things so far today).

shopping and spending money.

Kelsey called and we talked for over and hour which felt good. Seeing similar patterns in Chris as with Ryan (not wanting to commit, wanting to be boyfriend but not commit to future, etc. anger issues, addiction issues, etc.)

Nice time on rock. and talked to Kelsey in hammock. Started jerky. Finished Debbie's labels. O'Mallesy came for pizza and dump run, should I lock my house? yes. No. It's gamey. If he wants to take his stuff, let him. No games. Be my authentic self and DO ME. I LOVE YOU!!

No gaslighting for me please

Interesting observing Ryan from “Neutral”. This morning I had the thought to question him why he always looks for ways to insult me. I didn’t put it out there because, well, that’s probably insulting. But it was interesting to watch it this evening. We went to Hudson’s Hardware together. I was looking forward to it. During our drive when he was telling me that he thought he’d not report his unemployment income until next year so he can somehow get his $24,700 pay from Mr. Gray down to $11,000 by reporting expenses. (Which I think is ridiculous already, but to add dishonest to the mix when he’s trying to get himself out of the situation with the IRS seemed backwards.) I should have maybe spelled it out if that’s his Jahari’s window, but I didn’t. I just said that I thought they would ask the question and that I thought he should just plug it in to the online system to see what it looks like. He took offense to that (yep, he takes offense to so much) and said he’s going to have a tax preparer do his taxes. He said it 2 or 3 different ways as an arrow to me and I felt it and shut up. 

Later he brought up the Pattern thing that I had sent him about myself being rebellious/contrary and said some stuff to try to make me feel bad. It didn’t. But he thinks it did. I didn’t argue or engage. I could tell he was trying to bait and insult me. 

I think there was another thing - Oh, he told me to keep both hands on my steering wheel. I just did what he said and kept rolling. 

When we got home he started yelling about me not asking for help putting away my 6 bags of chicken food…”you aren’t going to ask for help?! Well F-you then, etc.”. I had asked if he was going to take a shower. I didn’t want to ask him for anything as I could tell he was wound tight. I hoped he would help, but I couldn’t put it on him because I didn’t want him to explode. When I sensed he wanted me to ask him, I did and he did and then he was throwing the bags around, not carefully putting them in the cans and he was mad and rude.

 

He started saying that I was mad at him since he …whatever he said about my rebellion or uniqueness or some word…but he was using it as a dagger and I said I wasn’t mad, I was observing. And it made him madder. And he started calling me a liar and then I listened to him gaslight and it was so interesting. I was in neutral so I trust myself. No confusion. I just disengaged with the madness.

When I brought Dee’s hay cubes and slice of cheesecake over to her, he had a package there and I had his tea cup which he had left in my car. I brought that over to him and he grumbled “thank you”. I looked at him to see if he had anything else to say and he kinda made a noise or a move that looked like “what?” (What do you want?) so I shrugged and walked off. And I’m going to leave it there and enjoy my wings and night and life. 

I love you Cristybird. 

___

He even had to insult my pants. Yesterday when he saw me, first thing he did was insult my eyebrows. I think it's kind of endearing and sweet when he pets them down, but the fact is, he is always looking for my flaws. My breath is bad and he always says that and that I smell.

Today I saw lots of 12/24 stuff and 3:33 and 333 and others.

Nice day

Nice day - 

Did hardly anything at work (other than talk to Lisa Mazarrese, Rosemary Slade, read some ES material, read some 1850’s book, read some Zhuan Falun, some Facebook, some Malai, some helping Jennifer, some coffee drinking, etc.) Yesterday I talked to Ammi and to Chris and read and researched.

Spent from about 4:15-11:15 with Ryan. Moving hay, going to Walmart, making a cheesecake, cooking and eating dinner, did 2 years of his taxes to just seeeee, talked about his options, and just had a nice time together.

He said the last couple days have been great because the pressure is off. I say it’s because he’s bipolar and he’s in an upswing and accomplishing stuff. But we had a good talk yesterday and he listened to the “dismissive avoidant” attachment style talk and he even seemed to relate and thought and shared a little about potentially being impacted in childhood. This few sentence opening was big.

I love him even though he is very troubled. He does help me to think about things differently. He also insults me a lot. Angh. It is what it is. 

I’m tired. Grateful for my home and family and friends.

It was 18 degrees yesterday. Maybe 16. And tomorrow it will be in the 70's!

What a day!

Shen Yun with Dee. 
Semi-finals Bills game with the O'Malleys and Bernadette's crew.
Ryan chewed me out - listen to the recording from this day - it's a doozie. How do you let this man talk to you this way and then snuggle with him watching the game?

He called a half hour after he ranted and apologized. I want peace so I just pretend everything is okay.

Did I tell you we tested his A1c yesterday and it was down to 5.3?? So we ate junk. I ate junk... and low and behold, the arm squeezing is back. That is BAD. I'm guessing it's related to nerves, but I'm OBVIOUSLY allergic to sugar and carbs and crap. I will need to test to see if vegetables cause it, but I need to get back to just meat for a while to get myself feeling better. ONE DAY of poison and I'm bloated and the arm squeezing is back. 

The Bills lost. Big player in that is the kicker missed field goal which he shouldn't have. Very disappointing. I feel bad for him. He feels the weight of the Bills Mafia's upset. God, please protect him and guard his heart and send qualified therapists and help to help him process and forgive himself. Poor guy.

Shun Yen was beautiful and moving. I could feel spirit encoded in the music and artistry. It is based on some scriptures.... I picked up a copy of the Zhuan Falun. The core tenets are "Truth. Compassion. Forbearance." Sounds pretty perfect. Let's see what God has to show me. 

The show itself was talking about how humans are divine beings who chose to come to earth for a mission but that we've forgotten our mission. There were beings that turned into dragons. There were some evil communists that wouldn't let the word of hope and truth be spread and that were violent oppressors. It was interesting. Thank you God. 

It's Time

It's (finally) time to invest in myself. To be HONEST with myself. To tell myself the truth. The truth will set me free. To be aligned with my own soul and needs and MEET THEM MYSELF. To stop the addictive patterning of looking outside myself for dopamine hits, comfort, distraction, excitement, love, etc...whatever I'm looking for. 

I am my own lover. I am my own parents. I've been SAYING it for years. Now I need to put it into practice. (I think I may have practiced it well before I met Paul... I was at peace and happy then.) 

On the verge of spending this 9hour day at work on dating apps - looking for distraction or someone who could excite me. Is that the lust demon in a mask? It's definitely me feeding the bad wolf... abandoning myself. Giving that job away to a stranger who could never complete the task and asking someone to do that is putting too much burden on another person. Is that vampirism too? I'd say.

So... I'm going to spend the time I would have spent searching dating apps, going on dates, talking to guys, etc. on ME. On loving myself and entertaining myself. On healing myself. On reading, brain games, meditation, exercise, journaling, work, cleaning, talking to friends, walking dogs, exploring - go find new hikes, etc.

Ryan. 

I am pushy and needy. If I can meet my own needs then I don't need to ask of them from someone else. 

Corie helped me a lot this morning to think and talk through all this. I told her about how I was on the verge of getting on all the dating apps but that I didn't want to or think it was best because I was just filling a void and nothing would change until I do. And that it would put a nail in the coffin of Ryan's and my relationship. Even though we are broken up, I still like him in my life and I think he likes me in his. He doesn't love me and that just is the way it is. So I need to just accept it and focus on loving myself. I wrote the following notes to myself this morning.

Ryan had his hand on me with a curled fist - not in love. Didn’t and doesn't want to touch me or make love or kiss me. I asked if we could make out and he smelled my breath and then said maybe and didn’t. And I asked if he would f me and he said maybe. And didn’t. Then came the hand around me when I was cuddled up to him and it had closed fingers. He isn’t attracted to me. Get it through my head. And I am pushy and needy- longing for him - and he doesn’t have it in him to give to me. Even after I gave him an epic 40min (or so) massage. He took great care of evening animal chores 4x this week.

______ 

He’s in a trauma pattern - explosive something - and until he does the work to heal himself it’s not going to work.

I am like that guy with the tiny penis who was so into me that it pushed me away. (Justin)

I need to be into myself.

Anyway, he’s not in a place where he can be a good partner. He IS “damaged goods” (which we all are) but he also doesn’t want to heal or put in the work to grow.

It is a gift from the Universe to get me out of it. It is just hurting me and causing digression.

I need to focus on and love myself. Be with ME. But I also want to date. So what’s that? Me abandoning myself.

I can’t feel. I’m not aligned with my truth and core otherwise I would do what I know to do which is date myself.

Is it harmful to look around? Only because you will find someone who will help you distract yourself from yourself and also it does break any possibility of reconciliation with Ryan and it will hurt him. Which I shouldn’t t care about because he doesn’t care about me. He does. But he comes first always. And then animals and then maybe me if he’s in a decent mood.

Be with all this.

so...yeah. I know the truth. Take my focus off Ryan and put it on myself. If ME and me can get aligned, we can handle anything. We'll know what to do with Ryan. For now I'll just love and focus on myself. It will be a relief to him too.

1/20 1:44

444

Yep. THIS IS the Way!!!

ps. I deleted the ratchety Christian Mingle (which you can't even talk to people on without paying $50 for a month) and had downloaded but not created profiles for Plenty of Fish and OK Cupid. I deleted them all. 

Yes, I just heard my brain say, "what if Ryan starts dating or seeing or having sex with someone else?" and I have to say "then that's God's will.".... God will direct my steps. For some reason He has shut it down with Ryan and I just have to trust the Greater Vision and immerse myself in my own love and attention. 

Letter to Ryan - moving forward

I feel very accomplished and right and good about sending this to Ryan:

Hey Ryan, I sure do love you. You know that. 

I wanted to let you know that I am finally getting it through my thick head that you aren’t interested in a future with me. I LOVED your “the way is the way” comment yesterday - presence IS the Way. But I also believe in having goals and hopes and dreams and DO want to be with someone who wants to share some with me. 

You are my best friend and favorite person and hope that never changes. That said, I need to respect your wishes and as you said yesterday (and probably the day before, and the day before that, and the day before that…), you don’t want to make plans with me. You aren’t attracted to me. If I don’t want to be with someone like that, then don’t wait around. You don’t know what the future holds for you. You don’t know if your mind or heart will change. And my wanting to talk about and feel into it puts pressure on you that you don’t have time or energy for. 

Anyway, I wanted to at least give you a heads up so you don’t feel bad, that I am going to start dating. I DO want to be with someone who wants to be with me and who wants to dream with me and create a future filled with love, peace, abundance, adventure, and joy. You know I want to live with my beloved - sharing cuddles and projects, not to mention tangible benefits like sharing financial burdens. 

I [am coming around to try to] respect your choice of life. It makes me sad because I love you so SO much and think we could be great together. But I can’t just throw my own future/potential away in the hopes that you will come around someday… especially when it feels like you are pushing me away harder and harder. Gah. I’m sad. I’m also mad. Because you are wasting this magic we have - just letting it rot. I’m frustrated and upset that you could treat this gift with such contempt. Sabotage. I wish you’d listen to that podcast Dee sent. (It’s up a few messages from this message.) PLEASE listen for a few minutes from 39:27. 

I love you. I hope I can find someone like you - smart, talented, kind (when he wants to be), funny, handsome. It’s a tall order. Right now my priority is ME. Loving myself. Learning to meet my own love needs. Caring for my own body, mind, and soul. Not looking outside of myself for what I need. But I guess I’ll keep my options open and wanted to give you a heads up. I know you have been very clear about breaking up with me, but as you say, I hear what I want to hear and I didn’t want to hear that. I feel loyalty to you and it feels like cheating to go on a dating site, but I’m being willful to not accept your wishes. So I’m just covering all the bases by being honest - even though if we aren’t together I don’t owe you any explanation. But I love you, like an idiot. So I’m doing it anyway.

It’s up to you how you’d like to progress in our friendship. I am available to continue cooking and spending time together. I think we can scratch each other’s back and I was really eager to help you with your new business and with the tax thing and acupuncture and all the things to help you grow and heal and become more free and happy. I’m still in for all of it. 

The ball is in your court. You have chosen to ignore most of my pleas for conversation around all of this and I just keep going like an energizer bunny - pretending that it doesn’t hurt. I hope you’ll find it in your heart to read my words and feel my heart and communicate yours.

Love,

Cristy

Sent at 18/11:18

And now I move forward with truth, honesty, love, and self-care! Thank you God!

___

18/11:12 - Ryan brought me flowers today. Sunflowers and an orchid. BEFORE he read my email/note. He was returning the gesture from my bringing him a bouquet of jerky and a kiss this morning on his way out. He also bought us a Sous Vide to cook with. I gave him half the money for it tonight to help with the financial burden, but it was also a nice gesture.

He doubled down after reading my note - he doesn't want to commit to me and likes me other than my being pushy and willful (maybe he said controlling?) ... I don't know. But we definitely have problems and I was (am) willing to work on them with him in the context of a committed relationship. He doesn't want to commit until we have "arrived". I told him people never arrive... there will always be more and more that comes up. He's just very inexperienced and doesn't know. But I'm grateful we talked about it and he said to go ahead and date and said (some truths) that I would just have the same mess...that I need to have a beta guy, etc. And he questioned my dream of having us be friends and me dating someone else. And I get it. I think we'll organically separate if I get serious with someone else. But I hope that this time apart will give us both time to grow and learn what we want. He wants to be a hermit and he has a name - NARCO or something - of what kind of person he is. Just living in the moment. 

I don't know. But he can do him. And I'll keep working on myself. I walked the dogs today and meditated a little and did brain games. 

OH! Ryan also surprised me and brought me my rock!!!! I am so excited about it! It's beautiful!!! What a gift from God!! It's a quartz mix rock with so many beautiful attributes. So big I can meditate on it! It's amazing!! Thank you God!!!!! I love my home!!

Please help my rock friend to settle in well. To be cleansed and feel loved and washed and purified and healed and loved in and through our Krystal Cathedral here. 

I love Ryan. God help me. 

___

He spends every evening with me - cooking/eating, watching Jeopardy or football or whatever, talking/smoking, etc. He loves me. He just won't let himself or doesn't know how to get beyond ...oh, he's just got so much gunk. 

And I talked to Corie for over an hour today who fought for Jerry and she feels like it's not worth it because their true colors come out later (the colors they say they have now, technically). I don't believe that. I see Ryan's true colors - but I believe in LOVE and healing and want us to be HAPPY and feel like LOVE HEALS ALL SIN/wounds. 

But he's often mean and he just pushes me away and he's not interested in doing the work to heal. He has said in the past that he'd do therapy, but he's sooooo messed up...he'd probably get angry and leave. Oh man. I'm just grateful for this pocket of love we get to share during this time and it's up to God how it pans out. 

I put a profile on "Christian Mingle" - pretty lame - and I can't talk to anyone unless I subscribe, which I don't want to do for $50 a month. So yeah. Maybe it scratches the itch. Or maybe I'll go back to Plenty of Fish. But mostly I just want to love on myself and Ryan and hope he comes around. The other stuff is just to distract me from Ryan's rejection. I will attract my true mate when I embody my true self. 

___

He said "I'm pushy and needy" and he doesn't like or want that in a partner. And I understand. And it's true. 

19/9:10 (mirror numbers)
He CALLED me on his way to work this morning, just now, which is very special and out of character. Thank you God. 

Well

Well, I don't know what to say. It was a good day, mostly.
It ended in tears from Ryan's bad behavior, but the rest of the day was good, including the Ryan parts. He went to the gym and we had a personal training session together when he got home from work - I loved that. I didn't love that we were late (or there within a minute of the class starting and still had to change). I don't like the stress of that and the way he doesn't care about other's waiting on him. I digress. 

I went to the gym myself earlier and had a personal training class too. So I had 2 today and it felt good. I also had 2 meditations. One was from the "attachment styles" lady to address my subconscious and I was working primarily with my subconscious (or conscious and childhood belief) that "nobody likes me". 

I also pulled the "Dark Matter Reincryption" ES meditation which was good but got interrupted a lot by Sunshine's barking and then Ryan called 2 minutes from the end. 

I worked this morning and had a nice interaction with someone considering renting the auditorium, and also worked tonight. Split shifts this week for the Board of Elections.

- 17/10:43 just got a call from Ryan. He felt bad about the way he treated me and said it wasn't a good night or time for him. He started getting spam calls from someone related to IRS collection or something... I think the laywer he spoke to in NY sold his number. Anyway, Mr. Grey just made him a subcontractor and he is being kicked out of his own nest... he now works for himself officially and needs to figure all that out. He asked if I'd be his secretary and I said yes, but that was yesterday. Today he doesn't like me. He DID like me until he overheard Le'Anna say she was going to punch out all his windows. She was joking but now he hates her and called her a bunch of names and he's going to turn on her the way he turned on Jannelle and make it so I have LESS friends. I won't give Le'Anna up. I didn't for any of the rest of my friends that didn't like her (I think Paul didn't either). But I love her. She is loyal and we help each other reflect and grow. 

Ryan isn't nice to me. Because of his own demons which he doesn't want to address. He is going to either need to figure it out for himself - or not. If he wants to be like his Mom and Aunt Ronnie (as he's said before... that he's like them.... alone/hermit-like people), then that's his perogative. God gave him a chance to choose another way.

He said something profound about how there's no "way"... "the way is the way". He said there's no destination that we are on the way to...that the way is the way. But I strive for a destination. Happiness. Living together with a loved one and working on life and ourselves in unity. 

"The way is the way" is the message Le'Anna said yesterday about just being "present". That in the present moment, everything is okay. It is. I am grateful and warm and happy and surrounded by my dogs, animals, home, trees, rock, etc. I DO have goals and dreams and I think that keeps me/us moving forward.

Ryan isn't in this place. He's stuck in the mud. Stuck in miasma. 

Tonight his example about how I never change or something had to do with anal sex. That's on his mind I guess. I said the other day that I thought anal sex was more of a guy thing. I think he was saying that I said that before, which I may have, but I think I just said it reminded me of gay anal rape that day that it was so horrible. Anyway, he said all his girlfriends liked it and I said I did too... which I do and I don't. I have fantasies and parts of it feel good, but it also has ripped and torn and hurt me a lot and he's not gentle and loving.

In general, he's not gentle and loving. He doesn't treasure me. He takes care of me to an extent - he has taken care of my animals for me when I've had to work late nights the last 2 nights - and he's doing that for all of us, but he doesn't know how to move into seeing me as his girl. I think he's actually started it some...but it's very juvenile and he has a long way to go. He has to establish himself first and I am willing....or I should ask myself IF I'm willing to stand by and be patient while he does that. Gets himself out of debt, buys a truck, starts a business, runs a business, deals with laywers and customers and money. I would love to do that with someone who loved and appreciated me, but I think he uses me as a punching bag.

And I need to love myself.
Dating apps, etc. could be a distraction and maybe I'll get lucky and meet someone nice, or maybe I'll get hoodwinked and sucked into another toxic situation. 

I need to focus on me. Exercising my body, mind, and soul. Gym, meditation, yoga, reading, ESF, friends, nature, doggies, cleaning and taking care of my home and belongings before it gets bad. 

Should I take some space from Ryan? 
We have so much in the air: His new business, Costco, truck shopping, rock picking up, home improvement projects, Ireland, Valentine's Day at DPAC, and soul reclamation - ha! (So much trauma healing.)

Talking to Candice yesterday I see how I trigger him = activations. And visa versa. Jenn said I look so good today and I am looking better when I am in love...and better when loved in return. 

I am a rare bird to be able to witness all the toxicity and abuse and still love him. Stupid probably, but also on a mission. Is it part of my mission? I don't know. I think there is a way to love him and also priortize and love myself. To do what Terri suggests... being single allows me to have a single heart for God, but I think I can have that kind of relationship with God while also doing the work of loving Ryan. I don't know. I may be lying to myself.

God knows I wish I were just purely loved. Doted on. Thought about with kindness. Shown affection. 

Ryan is incapable of that right now. 
And I need to learn to self-source.

God is with me.

Message on time

What a perfect message for me! In Matt Kahn's email:

As an orbiting theme of January 2024, now is the time to be in relationship with who people are right now, instead of treating them like a long-term investment you are eager to see pay off. If someone’s behavior feels disrespectful, the Universe invites you to take the time and summon the courage to share your experience, instead of simply ghosting them. While you can’t force someone to see the “forest for the trees,” you can remind them of the importance of self-respect by respecting yourself in their presence by the way you choose to communicate. If this has been attempted and nothing changes, then the energies of January 2024 invite a more deliberate step forward. Again, it might not be necessary to completely remove them from your life. Instead, you could create a more powerful intention to gracefully conclude interactions when their behavior feels more like a projection than a respectful exchange.

I love it! Be in a relationship with who Ryan is "right now", not a long-term investment. That's definitely what I'm being called for. And "respect myself in his presence by the way I choose to communicate". I feel like I've tried really hard and he keeps pushing me off and disrespecting me. 

I am impulsive and right now I want to do something about it. I looked at maybe trying Christian Mingle and/or eHarmony. I think in general I NEED to get my own head and heart right first. I'm just curious. But it would swoop me away so I get involved with that and whoever I speak to instead of myself and/or Ryan.

I love Ryan. I have hope for him. But he has to choose to invest and he's not. He's even cruel. 

Again, I SHOULD focus on myself. Let the Ryan situation organically change to what it is meant to be...however it is. But I need to RESPECT MYSELF and maybe not begging him for his affection is not that. It's possible there is someone who could love me the way I love them. (Probably not - we're all damaged.) Gah!

But I need to give Ryan space to figure out what he wants and myself time to meet my OWN needs. Anyway... I need to keep reading this Matt Kahn message...it's perfect!

___

From: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Law_of_Polarity

"Polarity Integration is identifying and locating that consciousness content we have which may be unable to link and bond together, and then intending to unify them through the witness in the neutral point."

"According to the Guardian system, to break free of the bi-wave structure which forces a closed loop energetic supply and perpetuates reversal current and Dead Light energy, we can alter the anti-particle blueprint layers with our higher consciousness to activate the electrically neutral state, which allows the neutral forces to emit feedback loops of natural living light."

Okay

I want

I want someone to "do life with". I want to be working towards living together so that we can cook together, snuggle and sleep together, bathe together, cook together, do projects together, get off the compound together (adventure together), play with animals together, do kind things for other people together, shop together, learn together, grow together....

I want to laugh and be lighthearted. That may be my word for the year... lighthearted.. find my way to that. 

LIGHTHEARTED. My little Carissa symbol means that as well... the heart with the sun rays... yep.

Ryan has a lot of problems...we both do.... and unless we want to choose to face them together (or accept them together and hold space and be a pillar/support while the other is tackling them....helping them if/when we can), then we are not moving in the right direction.

Ryan has anger problems (stemming from trauma and fear which he won't even address) which cause him to be very abusive. God can help him. He can help himself. But he's not. He's getting worse. I "trigger" him. 

But without his affection and love and kindness coming MY way too, then I am just throwing my affection and love and kindness into the pit of hell and it's not smart. I'm burning myself up and not in a good way.

I don't know what the future holds but for right now, we need to either have a "come to Jesus meeting" and agree on how we are going to move towards getting on a mutually beneficial path or we need to call it.

I wrote this last night:

I’m sorry. I know this is confusing and I shouldn’t have said it. I know we are broken up and I am  pretending everything is okay to keep the peace, but I know we are transitioning to our next chapter and hope we can do so gracefully. You are so right about my head and heart being on different wavelengths. I think I live in perpetual cognitive dissonance. I am willful. I think I can will what I want into reality, but if it’s not rooted in truth/heart, then it won’t work and it will just cause cross-spirals/confusion. 

I wanted to will us into unity. I thought if I tried hard enough, if I did everything right, then I could make you happy. But in my striving, I end up living out of alignment with my organic flow and truth. I try to be what I perceive you want me to be instead of who I AM. And if I’m not my true self at all times then I am living a lie and not allowing you to know me to make a decision on whether you like me or not because it’s just a facade to get you to like me. I mean, I think you are smart enough to see through all this and I think you do know me. But I trigger the shit out of you and I don’t know if it’s my striving that irks you or my real (woo woo) self that irks you. Anyway, my point is that you’re right. My head wants to please you and say I’m sorry about calling Paul but my heart thinks that’s my job to call and care for people. My head wants to please and appease you so you will like me and be kind to me and hopefully choose to keep me…. but I put on a mask and play a role that isn’t me. I am a weirdo. I like to play with animals and nature and friends. I’m a bit lazy and like to figure out how to do things smarter and not harder, but often end up overcomplicating them anyway. 

I should probably not send this and should probably just go to sleep. See if I want to send it in the morning.

What good will come of it?

I will have stated that I know we are broken up so there is no ambiguity. This is a control tactic to help me feel safe. I will have acknowledged Ryan’s statement about the head and heart and expanded upon it. I am really trying to bait him into sharing his feelings.

But maybe I should just wait and let him lead. 

And figure out what I want. Which is to live myself and be honest about who I am and what I need. (Which is to be treated with dignity and respect.) 

I have to chase Ryan? That’s not the intended Way.

God will lead.

Love God and love yourself abd God will light your path. 

What I actually sent.... (I had written "Goodnight my Love" before that):

I’m sorry. I know this is confusing and I shouldn’t have said it. I know we are broken up and I am pretending everything is okay to keep the peace, but I know we are transitioning to our next chapter and hope we can do so gracefully. You are so right about my head and heart being on different wavelengths. I must live in perpetual cognitive dissonance. 

I am willful. I think I can will what I want into reality, but if it’s not rooted in truth/heart, then it won’t work and it will just cause cross-spirals/confusion. 

I wanted to will us into unity. I thought if I tried hard enough, if I did everything right, then I could make you happy. But in my striving, I end up living out of alignment with my organic flow and truth. I try to be what I perceive you want me to be instead of who I AM. And if I’m not my true self at all times then I am living a lie and not allowing you to know me to make a decision on whether you like me or not because it’s just a facade to get you to like me. I mean, I think you are smart enough to see through all this and I think you do know me. But I trigger the shit out of you and I don’t know if it’s my striving that irks you or my real (woo woo) self that irks you. Anyway, my point is that you’re right. My head wants to please you and say I’m sorry about calling Paul but my heart thinks that’s my job to call and care for people. My head wants to please and appease you so you will like me and be kind to me and hopefully choose to keep me…. but I put on a mask and play a role that isn’t me. I AM a weirdo. Some people may not like me as a result. I am a work in progress- trying to be better - especially kinder and more humble. I’m so tired that my eyes are crossing. But I wanted to open up the conversation and hope you will find it in your heart to share with me your thoughts and feelings as well about this and the backlog of all the inquiries I’ve made about your mind, heart, soul, experience, and life. Even if we aren’t lovers, we definitely can be friends and I’d love to share in your self-discovery and take-aways as someone who cares deeply about your wellbeing.

Do tell.

💗

That's pretty good and honest. We'll see what he says. (My curmudgeony part wants to throw out a dig that he probably won't say anything. He says he'll think about it and respond but he never does. Maybe in April he will.) 

Anyway, I'm glad to be doing this work for MYSELF. So I can see and learn my patterns and then break them. I know I WANT to live with someone, but I first need to get comfortable and strong and be able to live by myself. I guess. Womp womp.

____

But I light up when I see him. I just saw his car leaving for work and I was so happy and he honked at me and it was great. I am excited to support him in his next chapters ... starting his own business, etc. I want to help him. But I need him to want to help me too. I can't be in a one-sided relationship...I will burn out. I am already losing myself some... swearing, letting self-care go, etc.

Another thing to consider is that it would be nice to have FINANCIAL support... if we shared bills it take the pressure off and we can save for things and go on vacation, treat our animals the best, etc. That's just another bullet.

Anyway. I need to get going to work for a couple hours.

___

Bills won.
Ryan is weird. Was cold. Putting off answering my note... said "what note?" and "oh that really long one? I just read it." When he saw it this morning. He said "what about it?" and I said I hoped he would like to talk with me. He played dumb longer and then said he'd talk after football was over... I said "football season? Like after the superbowl?" And he said yes and then he said he'd talk on days when football wasn't playing. He's just withholding his affection. 

Dee sent me a most profound podcast to listen to about attachment styles and it taught me SO much. I bought the lady's book! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIkspM20BeY&t=1544s

Anyway, it's all just us being messed up and sabotaging ourselves. My biggest takeaway is that my abandonment issues are because I HAVE ABANDONED MYSELF. Everything is pointing toward me needing to be my own lover and provider...etc. To focus on myself and self-care and loving myself and meeting my own needs, etc. More to come with that.

I had a good day. Feel accomplished about going to the gym and having a personal trainer session - core workout! And getting an iron and patching my coats and hanging my curtains and figuring it all out. My new dining room curtains are the BEST. They add so much to my home. I had no idea! I am so happy!

And the Bills won today! Got to watch that with the O'Malleys and then the second game at Ryan's where we got to snuggle and I got some love and knocked his socks off and reminded him of one of the benefits of ME. We ended on good and loving terms. No talk. No terms. No expectations. I need to stop trying to GET Ryan. I need to GET ME. Focus on that. Focus on ME. Easier said than done. 

OH! And the nice man said I could have the rock a few properties down - it's a gorgeous quartz rock that I will be able to meditate on, God-willing! I'm so excited and grateful to God!! Hopefully Ryan will be able to help me get it this weekend!

__

I need to do meditation daily.

I need to do brain games daily.

I need to do exercise or walk daily.

I need to read some of a book daily.

On point

Yep.
On point.
But I think it’s time to NOT stay in the relationship. I can choose a happy life. Ryan doesn’t want to be happy in the same way I do. I don’t like his abuse, language, smoking, or sloth. I don’t like my own sloth and language that comes out now because I spend so much time with him. I’m going to be better and stronger if I get in a loving relationship with MYSELF. And my animal and tree friends.

See how that's worded... "hoping for" a breakthrough. Not "waiting for THE" breakthrough. It's probably not coming. But I could have a breakthrough with ME. I started hanging my curtain rod today. I am stuck on the plastic anchor thing which isn't going all the way into the wall... the drill isn't going into the wall. 

My brain is failing too... I DO need to play more brain game to exercise it. The Luminosity has me at like 4% brain power compared to the people in my age group. Not good. May be 11th percentile? Something bad. So I need to exercise my brain, body, and spirit. Get to it.

I should go to the gym. Today. You should. Okay. 

And finish my Malai work. And hang my curtains.

And walk the dogs. 
Ryan can go on the dog walk with me. He won't want to. On football days he doesn't want to leave his house or chair. Fine. He's a loser.

He can be my friend the loser and do whatever he wants to do. I don't need to be stuck in his mire. 

I am single. I am free! 

I need to shake my yearning for/addiction to him. He's bad for me. The worst drug ever. He doesn't even provide much of a "high" anymore. 

It's great when he's relaxed and kind, but he will always come up with something that rubs his ego the wrong way. I can't deal with it. I can, but I have to make myself small in order to do so. And I don't need to do that. I can have honest and stimulating conversation with Paul about alternative viewpoints and spiritual matters. But Paul is a life-suck too. As is Jannelle. Ryan is right about it. But who isn't? Is Ryan? I mean, YES, for sure, WORSE than those two... the difference is that currently I WANT to give myself to him. He may not be SUCKING... vampiric.... the way those others are, but he NEEDS IT and I want to give it to him because I love him. 

Anyway, it's broken. Better to start over with someone else who isn't cruel. The way that he and his sister - his only real relationship and love in his life - went down....how he just can completely write her off and hardly appreciate her.... his entitlement and pride and ego... yeah... I don't need that. And his temper tantrums. He needs God.... he needs a miracle. And God, I pray for that for him...and for me. I need to come back to gratitude and allowance. I am surrounded by beauty and love and grace. I have my health and friends and family and a job and warmth. Louis doesn't. Can I help Louis, God? 

Please comfort Chelsea. And Mr. Casey's family. And say hi to Kirk for me. And heal Barinder. Give us all eyes to see...wisdom... and help us to connect to the truth spirit in Christ. Amen.

______

God can and will and is helping me .... I got stuck in the mire again... the metatronic reversal pit of doom. This sludgy place. God's got me. Thank you God and teams and loves and trees and sun.... thank you for helping me over and over and over. God Ran to me: https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=wcpktPVewVo&si=BtVPkKBZHir-hdxC (Josh Via - the First and the Last album)

This might be the most true and relevant statement for me and my circumstances:

Thank you God!

___

Two good football games - the Cowboys LOST and in the second game the Lions won for the first time in a playoff game since 1992. 

Ryan was weird. He was partially nice to me most of the day. He started by saying he had good news and bad news. Good news was that he forgave me for some of it and bad news was that he didn't forgive me for all of it. He called me "babe" today but he NEVER reaches for me or wants to touch me or be close to me. I do that to him all the time - helping him to feel wanted and loved. I don't. 
I went to take a picture at one point and he got jealous and thought I took a phone call or text and I could tell and I kind of liked that but then I realized it was evil to perpetuate ... gamey to perpetuate that so I showed him that I took a picture. But I'm always trying to snuggle up to him. He just sits there and allows it. But it's not warm. I think it would be in my best interest to remain single. It doesn't really matter because I need to just focus on myself. Learn to love and care for myself and be honest with myself and BE myself and not get swept up in Ryan's melodrama and theatrics and moods and outbursts. 

Aren't I enabling his bad behavior by allowing it and sticking around? Or am I loving him to healing.

I mean, I was doing him a FAVOR to make him an invoice for his work...and talking with him to help him choose a name...and whatever else and he was snippy and short and annoyed with me and probably yelled at me. Just a jerk. He's just a jerk. Not on the inside.... but definitely on the outside. And maybe on the inside... forget inside and outside... it has to do with trauma and learned behavior... it's part of his coping mechanism. And my person ... me... just triggers him by being alive. Because I am kind and love him he doesn't want to push me away because he likes that, but he doesn't actually like ME and I make him uncomfortable and angry. I guess this is what they call toxic.

____

ESF Goodies for the day at 11:56pm.... 

"I AM the Master of my Fate.  I AM the captain of my Soul."

AG PICK - https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Law_of_Polarity

That is a very long and very important AG pick. I started reading it but need to read it tomorrow as I am very tired. But it is a good one and very relevant. All of this is, as usual. 

Goodnight my Love. 

I don't need it.

I don't need to be treated like this. I don't need to be talked to, yelled at, treated like this. I'm done. I want to be done. He wastes his life. He wants to be a miserable curmudgeon. I don't. I want to be free and kind and friendly. I'm a fun-loving, kind person and if he doesn't see it or appreciate it, then that's that. 

How long have I asked him to put up my curtain rod? How long did I ask him to change my oil. Both of those things were over a month and he can't find time to do it. He said I shouldn't do it.... threatened me. He is not supportive. He is not kind. He is not my person. My person loves me. 

I see how I want to go on a dating site so I can find someone instead of just being with myself. Just be with myself. Love myself. I love you. I've got you.

I am enough.

I have to let him go. Don't call or reach out. Let him go. Let him go!!!

_____ 

14/12:24

I super tried with you, Ryan. You can play the victim all you want but I have been very patient and apologetic and transparent and honest. I waited all day to talk to you as you kept putting me off. We had plans for me to spend the night - the only night this week we could.

I have given you so much “processing” space. Apologized until I was blue in the face. You say “read through the lines” and I am reading that you were looking for any excuse to end it. If my reaching out to an ex-friend who said he might be dying is a betrayal…if you can’t see it any other way and have mercy on me, then it is what it is. I care about people. I tried very hard to shut that off for weeks but I gave in during a week point (when my other friend had just died) and if you want to fault me for it, go for it. I knew it was wrong and that’s why I waited 5 days to tell you, but I didn’t lie forever. I understand it was a “lie of omission” for 5 days and I’m sorry. Anyway, you have been a shit to me.

CARISSA, DON’T SEND THIS. This guy is very bad. God is giving me an OUT. Ryan broke up with ME because I didn’t apologize sufficiently… because I both apologized and also justified that I should have called him. I know he is a user, but Ryan is an abuser. I keep forgiving Ryan. Why shouldn’t I keep forgiving Paul? I need to keep forgiving myself. And take this FREEDOM and RUN WITH IT!

Take care of myself! Date. Meet people. Have fun. Go out. Stay in. Meditate. Pray and play and BE. I have my animal family. Ryan is a deadbeat. I think and pray that he’ll pull himself out of the muck, but he’s so full of himself that he can’t see straight now. 

I can’t see straight either. I have accepted the most inhumane treatment… and from someone that claimed to love me and that I gave so much of myself to. But I keep doing that. This is my chance to stop that. 

Time to cut him off.

How good did it feel to cut Barinder off? So good.

Take my peace back. 

Ryan is a taker too. 

I want to start over with a Christian man…someone who has morals and values and knows how to treat people. Poor Ryan. I know he’s had so much trauma in his life - much of which he created himself with his drug use, etc. But until he chooses to address his own mental health (and physical health), he’s not safe. And I NEED TO BE DONE giving myself away to that.

___

It's God's mercy and grace. I am free. I DID lie...it was a lie of omission. I knew what I did was "wrong". But I want to be with someone who trusts me to be a light unto the world... encourages me to care about others....to forgive and try to help them. Who sees ME and wants me to be me. I don't "want" Paul. I wanted to check on him. Corie told me that he was suffering from depression, so I knew that. And I didn't want him to feel alone. I still don't. I care about him.  I care about Ryan too. And I'm sad that Ryan will go back to his pathetic life... but maybe not... he's gotten a taste of having a friend and encouragement by someone who believes in him. I helped him to see his strengths and hopefully inspired him to do more with his life. But maybe not. 

Either way, he's not for me. Not now. Maybe if he gets his stuff together and has some sort of soul-awakening and opens his heart. I need to mend my own heart. And that's it. I have allowed the most vile behavior... the way he yells at me and swears at me and puts me down... I'm glad I have lots of journals and voice journals to remember. It's been toxic for 9 of the 10 months we've been together. 

It's time to invest in loving ME. Back to ME. I've been avoiding doing my own work in order to have fun with him. Distraction. It was a trick. But I'm done now. Am I? I really want to be. It's time to stop lying to myself and do what I say I'm going to do. 

I need to put more thought into it. It's almost 1am and I've been up since 5am for work. Let me make a quick list:

Health - exercise and eat well and meditate 

Mental Health - meditate and walk dogs

Spiritual health - get back in ES and talk to friends

Home - clean and do some projects

Work - embrace it and do some projects

I'll have a lot more time if I don't spend all of it with Ryan... cooking, watching TV, trying to get him to talk.

He's not attracted to me. That's the main issue. If he was, it would be different. He's angry and uptight and controlling and rude. His anxiety produces anger and control. Fear. His coping mechanism. I can relate. He's got lots of karma to reconcile too (like me). God bless him. And please help me to remain free. Remember that I am free and I don't need to make excuses for myself to get an abusive asshole to like me. F-that. 

I LIKE ME. And I forgot. So remember. 

And go get some sleep dear one. 

I want a WHOLESOME relationship with someone who might be willing to create a life with me... Ryan isn't moving in that direction. He's not right for me. Let him go. Thank you God for this gift.

Thank you for showing me Barinder.
Thank you for showing me Ryan. 
Thank you for showing me ME.

Free

I cancel and clear all cords and connections and karma related to “The Divine Madman”, “Barinder”, “Rinku”, and any other forms my being may have interacted with related to that being. I clear all black magic, cording, ai, demonic entities, or spirits involved. I am God, I am Sovereign, I am Free. 

The left arm and heart and Nadia’s capsule and left side stuff may be related or may not but I don’t want any openings for anything to mess with me. I love Ryan. I love myself. I love God. Barinder was a lustful demon-ridden human and I pray for his deliverance. It is not my job or project. I got to see and learn. Dark arts training. 

I just deleted our Telegram and connection and conversation on The Pattern app. 

I was playing with fire to talk to another man like that. I don’t know what’s in the cards for Ryan and I, but God will lead and I know I love him. I pray that Ryan will allow God to lead him too.

I choose ME. 
I choose to stand firm in Christ and defend the Way, Truth and Life as I learn and practice it by the grace of God.

___

And so grateful and happy and feeling connected to Ryan. We were both happy to hear each other's voices when we got out of work. Glad to be doing this work with my beloved.

____

Well, Ryan came over for dinner and it was nice and then I mentioned that Paul liked bulgolgi and he started asking questions about how he is and I confessed that I called him the other day (despite knowing Ryan didn't want me to talk to him). I knew I shouldn't, but I also knew that Ryan may not choose me and we were on rocky ground and I felt like I needed to call Paul and check on him. I'm glad I did. I don't regret it. 

But Ryan is hurt/upset and I don't blame him. And maybe this will be the deciding factor. He said he was starting to work on his list about what he's looking for in a relationship. He said anal sex was on the list. Which is fine. 

He has a lot going on. He got a raise today and also he needs to start being a sub-contractor so he's got to put some ducks in a row. He's got a lot on his plate and I don't know what he'll choose. Or what I'll choose. Right now I'm choosing Ryan still. I am so glad to have seen the Barinder nonsense. But if Ryan does choose me/us, I pray he'll follow God's prompts to grow. I feel like he's on that path. I may not be the girl for him. But I pray that I do good and not harm to him. Today I bought him a bible - it should be here tomorrow. It seems like God is trying to teach him about it some. And about being a business owner and life owner. I am a witness and someone to love and help him. We'll see what God and Ryan have in store. 

I'm so glad I did the "AM energy clearing" and "eternal self" meditations by OmniLov and Lisa's "EMF beam clearing, etc" meditation... all were super helpful. 

I have to be at work at 6:30 tomorrow...up at 5, so I should go to bed. 

Had a bath today. Definitely feeling lots of "Genetic Pathcutter" stuff... and maybe clearing black magic... probably from Barinder situation. Lots of pains and squeezes and anxiety and stuff...but feeling lights and energy around too. Seems like it's happening to lots of people, including Ryan. God, please guard and guide and heal my beloved Ryan.YOUR beloved Ryan.

My AG pick today: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Spiro_Mound

I was telling Ryan that I felt that I was healing a lot of karma in this life and it set him off - he said I had a charmed life (not those words...he talked about the fountain in my basement) and that my problem wasn't karma, it was my victim mentality. Could be true (too?).

Those Spiro Mounds were more of my people. I feel a deep kinship with the Mississippian native american culture. More to dig into there.

SeeSaw

It's really like a see-saw. I thought I was heading toward a breakup with Ryan tonight but we ended up having the nicest night. We were on the road (dogs and I after a walk) and we hopped in his car and went to his house. We spent from 5-10:30 together. We talked...he resisted...he isn't always nice, but he was nice after we had some sexual activity which I really liked.... it softens and connects us. Will he learn too? But he read and we talked some about my thoughts from today:

I wrote to Ryan:

My needs: 

To Iove and be loved in return.

Someone who cares about me and my life experience. Someone I can care about and share in their life experiences. 

Someone who wants to remain connected even when we are apart. 

Someone who lights up when they see me - happy to see and be with me.

Someone who wants to (and also initiates) exploration, experience,and adventure with me. Who wants to learn and feel and live.

Someone who likes to experience physical touch- who wants to touch me as well.

Someone who wants to grow and learn and more thoroughly experience what life has to offer….together.

I like to think and feel and ponder and dream. I want to do that with my beloved.

I want someone who wants me. I want to love and be loved in return. I want them to choose me.

To like me.

To want to be with me.

I have a lot of love to give - I want to serve and please and learn about and delight my beloved. 

I like to help and be with and do things that make us both feel accomplished and fulfilled.

In summary - I want to SHARE in love, affection, desire, exploration, snuggles, and growth. 

I don’t want to fight, talk ugly, or hurt one another. I want to be a good, accepting, and life-giving influence on one another. To dream and manifest a life together in unity and love.

What do you want in relationships?

Are we compatible in this?

Also truth/honesty, transparency, trust, and respect.

He is just on the fence. And we talked about it. And I understand and we both need to learn how to relate to one another. But we do love each other but I felt that we are going in different directions and maybe we need time apart to figure it out but I didn't want to actually be apart from him - I wanted us still to see eachother and eat together every day but he said we couldn't but that we could see eachother now and then as friends. I don't want that. I also like how he's started to say "we need to do ____" on my house...like he's beginning to take care of me in that way. But we needed sexual connection and somehow we got to that tonight.... I wrote after:

Excellence sex with Ryan. Good talk too. He needs more time. What do I want? I asked his thoughts on my relationship needs and he said something like he thought a lot of them were doable or something. We had sex - vaginal, anal, oral and the vaginal again. Rung my bell. I felt so much.

I don't know... that was incoherent. I'm feeling a little tired and I think that there are forces that try to keep us apart and I don't know what's right... I want to be happy and fullfilled. Can we create a life like that together? I like the way he has been thinking about higher matters - God, etc. He's continually developing. We help each other.

Barinder, on the other hand, is out. He's gross. He was begging me to talk to him and saying that he wants to have sexual and emotional connection, blah blah - gross. The last straw was when he asked what my favorite colors are just so he could ask if that was the colors of my undergarments. No. He's gross. I don't want to talk to him at all anymore. I muted him. 

If he was a friend, I would have liked that... I thought maybe it would be like a Kirk - someone to talk about spiritual matters with. But it got messy FAST. He's riddled with demonic lust and is a liar and doesn't know it. Or maybe he does. But I don't want that. Ryan is my guy. Ryan let me look through his phone today. He said he's got nothing to hide and I appreciate that.

He is irritated with me because we aren't always on the same wavelength and we don't always understand each other. 

But I like it so much when he's kind and open and we can connect.

I'm tired. It's almost 11 on 1/11. It's actually 10:58. 

Now it's Jan(1) 11/11:00 - Listening to a song "Love By Our Side"...the one I thought and felt with and for Kirk. Interesting. It popped up when I went to take a screenshot of the 11/11:00... now 11/11:01.... Oh Kirk. I miss you. These are the things he noticed too.

"I know the world feels heavy, but I'm by your side, I'm here and I am ready, let love be our guide.

We will RISE. We will RISE. We will RISE. We will RISE. 

I know the world feels heavy, but I'm by your side. I'm here and I am ready, let love be our guide. 

We will RISE. We will RISE. We will RISE. We will RISE."

Ryan and I are karma-burning machines. Thank you God. 

Important: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Harmlessness

Talked/shared this with Misha yesterday...this is an anthem for my relationship with Ryan (and myself):

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=Wzg8scAZ2NM&si=oBEOzuWGDhjbaeho

HARD LOVE

Trading punches with the heart of darkness
Going to blows with your fear incarnate
Never gone until it's stripped away
A part of you has gotta die to change

In the morning you gon' need an answer
Ain't nobody gonna change the standard
It's not enough to just feel the flame
You've gotta burn your old self away

Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

I know the situation can't be right
And all you ever do is fight
But there's a reason that the road is long
It take some time to make your courage strong

Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

When the wolves come and hunt me down
I will face them off and stand my ground
Cuz there's a fire burnin' in me
They will see my strength in this love I found
Oh

Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love

It's a hard love

Hold on tight, cuz it's a (hard love)
Don't lose hope, cuz it's a (hard love)
Get back up, cuz it's a (hard love)
Cuz it's a hard love
Hold on tight, cuz it's a (hard love)
Don't lose hope, cuz it's a (hard love)
Get back up, cuz it's a (hard love)
Cuz it's a hard, it's a hard love

Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, cuz it's a hard love
(Cuz it's a hard love)

Powerful time listening to a Jesus Culture song called "You Won't Relent"... wow. Thank you God. 

This was yesterday's AG pick. 
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Galactic_Suns
It helped me release some fear about my left side squeezing and numbness... pointing me back to what I felt that it might be related to a magnetic shift on the earth.

Ryan hates ES and thinks it's so bad ...ridicules it...i.e. when I told him about GSF today... and I definitely want to try to be sure I'm not looking outside of myself for answers, but it really does help and seem so connected to my life experience. I don't have to share that with Ryan. He is on his own spiritual journey and doesn't need to understand mine. We can talk about it when he has an opening to. He is growing. Am I here to help him? I'm here to help me, and embody my higher self, and support the earth and my teams. God please lead the way.

That Galactic Suns article speaks to so many of my current experiences, including clearing karmic debris and being a frequency conduit and just so much of what I'm doing here. I get mind-wiped a lot, especially around Ryan. But I'm okay. Just need to remember to shield more and keep being honest with myself and Ryan. I'm tired. Jan (1) 11/11:29 (which makes 11!!!) 

Sweet dreams.

11/23:33