Yep.
On point.
But I think it’s time to NOT stay in the relationship. I can choose a happy life. Ryan doesn’t want to be happy in the same way I do. I don’t like his abuse, language, smoking, or sloth. I don’t like my own sloth and language that comes out now because I spend so much time with him. I’m going to be better and stronger if I get in a loving relationship with MYSELF. And my animal and tree friends.
See how that's worded... "hoping for" a breakthrough. Not "waiting for THE" breakthrough. It's probably not coming. But I could have a breakthrough with ME. I started hanging my curtain rod today. I am stuck on the plastic anchor thing which isn't going all the way into the wall... the drill isn't going into the wall.
My brain is failing too... I DO need to play more brain game to exercise it. The Luminosity has me at like 4% brain power compared to the people in my age group. Not good. May be 11th percentile? Something bad. So I need to exercise my brain, body, and spirit. Get to it.
I should go to the gym. Today. You should. Okay.
I should go to the gym. Today. You should. Okay.
And finish my Malai work. And hang my curtains.
And walk the dogs.
Ryan can go on the dog walk with me. He won't want to. On football days he doesn't want to leave his house or chair. Fine. He's a loser.
He can be my friend the loser and do whatever he wants to do. I don't need to be stuck in his mire.
I am single. I am free!
I need to shake my yearning for/addiction to him. He's bad for me. The worst drug ever. He doesn't even provide much of a "high" anymore.
It's great when he's relaxed and kind, but he will always come up with something that rubs his ego the wrong way. I can't deal with it. I can, but I have to make myself small in order to do so. And I don't need to do that. I can have honest and stimulating conversation with Paul about alternative viewpoints and spiritual matters. But Paul is a life-suck too. As is Jannelle. Ryan is right about it. But who isn't? Is Ryan? I mean, YES, for sure, WORSE than those two... the difference is that currently I WANT to give myself to him. He may not be SUCKING... vampiric.... the way those others are, but he NEEDS IT and I want to give it to him because I love him.
Anyway, it's broken. Better to start over with someone else who isn't cruel. The way that he and his sister - his only real relationship and love in his life - went down....how he just can completely write her off and hardly appreciate her.... his entitlement and pride and ego... yeah... I don't need that. And his temper tantrums. He needs God.... he needs a miracle. And God, I pray for that for him...and for me. I need to come back to gratitude and allowance. I am surrounded by beauty and love and grace. I have my health and friends and family and a job and warmth. Louis doesn't. Can I help Louis, God?
Please comfort Chelsea. And Mr. Casey's family. And say hi to Kirk for me. And heal Barinder. Give us all eyes to see...wisdom... and help us to connect to the truth spirit in Christ. Amen.
And walk the dogs.
Ryan can go on the dog walk with me. He won't want to. On football days he doesn't want to leave his house or chair. Fine. He's a loser.
He can be my friend the loser and do whatever he wants to do. I don't need to be stuck in his mire.
I am single. I am free!
I need to shake my yearning for/addiction to him. He's bad for me. The worst drug ever. He doesn't even provide much of a "high" anymore.
It's great when he's relaxed and kind, but he will always come up with something that rubs his ego the wrong way. I can't deal with it. I can, but I have to make myself small in order to do so. And I don't need to do that. I can have honest and stimulating conversation with Paul about alternative viewpoints and spiritual matters. But Paul is a life-suck too. As is Jannelle. Ryan is right about it. But who isn't? Is Ryan? I mean, YES, for sure, WORSE than those two... the difference is that currently I WANT to give myself to him. He may not be SUCKING... vampiric.... the way those others are, but he NEEDS IT and I want to give it to him because I love him.
Anyway, it's broken. Better to start over with someone else who isn't cruel. The way that he and his sister - his only real relationship and love in his life - went down....how he just can completely write her off and hardly appreciate her.... his entitlement and pride and ego... yeah... I don't need that. And his temper tantrums. He needs God.... he needs a miracle. And God, I pray for that for him...and for me. I need to come back to gratitude and allowance. I am surrounded by beauty and love and grace. I have my health and friends and family and a job and warmth. Louis doesn't. Can I help Louis, God?
Please comfort Chelsea. And Mr. Casey's family. And say hi to Kirk for me. And heal Barinder. Give us all eyes to see...wisdom... and help us to connect to the truth spirit in Christ. Amen.
______
God can and will and is helping me .... I got stuck in the mire again... the metatronic reversal pit of doom. This sludgy place. God's got me. Thank you God and teams and loves and trees and sun.... thank you for helping me over and over and over. God Ran to me: https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=wcpktPVewVo&si=BtVPkKBZHir-hdxC (Josh Via - the First and the Last album)
This might be the most true and relevant statement for me and my circumstances:
___
Two good football games - the Cowboys LOST and in the second game the Lions won for the first time in a playoff game since 1992.
Ryan was weird. He was partially nice to me most of the day. He started by saying he had good news and bad news. Good news was that he forgave me for some of it and bad news was that he didn't forgive me for all of it. He called me "babe" today but he NEVER reaches for me or wants to touch me or be close to me. I do that to him all the time - helping him to feel wanted and loved. I don't.
I went to take a picture at one point and he got jealous and thought I took a phone call or text and I could tell and I kind of liked that but then I realized it was evil to perpetuate ... gamey to perpetuate that so I showed him that I took a picture. But I'm always trying to snuggle up to him. He just sits there and allows it. But it's not warm. I think it would be in my best interest to remain single. It doesn't really matter because I need to just focus on myself. Learn to love and care for myself and be honest with myself and BE myself and not get swept up in Ryan's melodrama and theatrics and moods and outbursts.
Aren't I enabling his bad behavior by allowing it and sticking around? Or am I loving him to healing.
I mean, I was doing him a FAVOR to make him an invoice for his work...and talking with him to help him choose a name...and whatever else and he was snippy and short and annoyed with me and probably yelled at me. Just a jerk. He's just a jerk. Not on the inside.... but definitely on the outside. And maybe on the inside... forget inside and outside... it has to do with trauma and learned behavior... it's part of his coping mechanism. And my person ... me... just triggers him by being alive. Because I am kind and love him he doesn't want to push me away because he likes that, but he doesn't actually like ME and I make him uncomfortable and angry. I guess this is what they call toxic.
Ryan was weird. He was partially nice to me most of the day. He started by saying he had good news and bad news. Good news was that he forgave me for some of it and bad news was that he didn't forgive me for all of it. He called me "babe" today but he NEVER reaches for me or wants to touch me or be close to me. I do that to him all the time - helping him to feel wanted and loved. I don't.
I went to take a picture at one point and he got jealous and thought I took a phone call or text and I could tell and I kind of liked that but then I realized it was evil to perpetuate ... gamey to perpetuate that so I showed him that I took a picture. But I'm always trying to snuggle up to him. He just sits there and allows it. But it's not warm. I think it would be in my best interest to remain single. It doesn't really matter because I need to just focus on myself. Learn to love and care for myself and be honest with myself and BE myself and not get swept up in Ryan's melodrama and theatrics and moods and outbursts.
Aren't I enabling his bad behavior by allowing it and sticking around? Or am I loving him to healing.
I mean, I was doing him a FAVOR to make him an invoice for his work...and talking with him to help him choose a name...and whatever else and he was snippy and short and annoyed with me and probably yelled at me. Just a jerk. He's just a jerk. Not on the inside.... but definitely on the outside. And maybe on the inside... forget inside and outside... it has to do with trauma and learned behavior... it's part of his coping mechanism. And my person ... me... just triggers him by being alive. Because I am kind and love him he doesn't want to push me away because he likes that, but he doesn't actually like ME and I make him uncomfortable and angry. I guess this is what they call toxic.
____
ESF Goodies for the day at 11:56pm....
"I AM the Master of my Fate. I AM the captain of my Soul."
AG PICK - https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Law_of_Polarity
That is a very long and very important AG pick. I started reading it but need to read it tomorrow as I am very tired. But it is a good one and very relevant. All of this is, as usual.
Goodnight my Love.
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