I love myself

 ...and I'm not going to let someone mistreat me anymore!!

Ryan left me in the Costco parking lot with a big truck loaded with Page's vanity to drive home alone and to go pick up pizza alone and to figure out how to deal with the box of groceries that he put in the bed that would have blown out and it was so heavy and he left me there. I was wailing and upset and didn't know what to do. Eventually I got my wits about me and unbungeed the back gate and was able to get it down and put it in the cab, but it was heavy and shitty and horrible. He then left me with this vanity on the back of the truck (over 300lbs) to get off myself. I couldn't get it off last night and it wasn't supposed to rain but it did and it got a bit wet. I just hired a guy (hopefully two) to help me get it off this morning. 

Ryan is rude, abusive, blames me for everything, gaslighting my LIFE. He's narcissistic, co-dependant, all that... he's a lot like me, but unhealed and doesn't want to heal. I want to heal. And he's drawing me backward. He smokes in people's face, swears like a sailor and doesn't care, and blows up and thinks he knows better than anyone and if anyone says anything about anything, he'll jump down their throats. 

Not a nice person.
He left his broken car in his sister's yard for a long time. I don't know the whole story, but today I understood. It's all about Ryan. He doesn't care how his actions affect anyone else. He's selfish and self-centered. When I told him I am those things the other day because I forgot to follow up on Davin's new dog, he took the opportunity to berate me. To double-down and say what a shit-head I was. He will never build me up. Only tear me down.

I don't need to be around anyone like that. 

I need to stick up for my precious Carissa. And this guy is NOT good for her. He's an absolute jerk. Period.

___

Addiction patterns I use to numb:

Food/sugar (eating caramel popcorn now. Have had almond caramel cookies. lemon bar. Pizza. Probably other things so far today).

shopping and spending money.

Kelsey called and we talked for over and hour which felt good. Seeing similar patterns in Chris as with Ryan (not wanting to commit, wanting to be boyfriend but not commit to future, etc. anger issues, addiction issues, etc.)

Nice time on rock. and talked to Kelsey in hammock. Started jerky. Finished Debbie's labels. O'Mallesy came for pizza and dump run, should I lock my house? yes. No. It's gamey. If he wants to take his stuff, let him. No games. Be my authentic self and DO ME. I LOVE YOU!!