I feel responsible for caring for Ryan and helping him step into his best self. I love him very much and am not sure if he's my guy or not. Feeling like NOT, but I want him to be in my life. But I'm letting the physical attraction go. I don't want to want him and not have it reciprocated. I want to have a relationship - friendship - life - with someone who also appreciates spiritual concepts... oh, but Ryan does and he has these beautiful breakthroughs... but he resists them and makes fun of me and has a very closed mind about so much (for now). He *prides* himself on an "open mind", but it's not true. And he is smart - but it's trivia. And he is letting his brain be brainwashed by google. He gets all his knowledge by asking "Alexa" or "Google". "Hey Google, what's this??? what does this mean? what should I look for? etc."... it scratches the itch but ... I guess it's better than not knowing which is what I do.
I'm sad. But I'm tired of carrying men. I need to get back to myself. Cooking for, serving, pleasing, caring for, etc.....
I am just going to "do me". I have been trying to bend my life to make Ryan happy (or, to make ME happy in my plight of trying to BE WITH Ryan... to create my vision for a happy-go-lucky couple... but that's not authentic. He's jekyl and hyde... I'm codependant...we both are... we are BOTH that co-d/narcissist split architecture... must come from trauma as well as, as Barinder said, the amalgamation of the stored karma from our past lives. We both feel like we have lots of "miasma" which is probably gunky karma from ourselves our our ancestors. Who knows what we are doing, but I do like to think about it, but that's MENTAL.
As I said yesterday, these are my teachers. Thank you God.
I can just let everything be what will be. I need to be honest with myself and respond in truth. And just stay aligned with myself the way Ryan does. He doesn't care about who he hurts. But he is building more karma... this is why everything is like swimming upstream when I'm with him...why his easiest projects become challenging... and I am a witness. Things don't go smoothly for him because he is burning off karma.
And I am building up more fear... I need to learn to live in spirit and truth and love.
Unconditional love. Thank you Barinder for your wisdom. I'm glad to have him as a .... he doesn't prefer to define it and I guess that's good. He is a friend and teacher and we'll see what else... object of observation?
I'm also still glad to have called Paul.
I want to do BodyAwake Yoga. I need to figure my TV out.
I want to do BodyAwake Yoga. I need to figure my TV out.
From Dr. Wilson's blog:
LOVE IS THE ANSWER
1/5/24. Love is the force that brings all things together. It is the unifying force and the binding force. It is much needed today because the opposite force of destruction and separation is too strong.
This principle applies to human relationships as well as to nations and to the planet itself.
Love requires courage to face the unknown and the threats from those who would keep us apart and unhealthy. Love also requires persistence and patience with ourselves and others. Love also requires a certain faith that things will work out even if does not look that way at this time.
This message is simple, but most important at this time.
https://www.drlwilson.com/Articles/NLN.htm
So important.
Persistence. Faith that things will work out even if it does not look that way at the time.
What kind of life do I want? I want to just be at peace... no stress and striving. No anxiety. All is well. See it as well and good and it will be so. It's *ALL in HOW I SEE IT!*
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Anxiety and fear are trying to drive me back to the medical system who would label me as *sick* and try to get me hooked on pills. No.
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Fear. Squeezing arm. See it. I don't need to figure it out. That's my mental fields wanting to grab it. Let go of ego. Let go of everything. JUMP. Let go of everything. Breathe. BE.
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So what? If it's my time, it's my time. That's the mindset to be in. Stop trying - striving to "save" myself or others. ALLOW.
Today's ESF:
"The greatest magic is transmuting the passions." ~Atisha (11th century Tibetan Buddhist master)
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Comportamientos_de_EA_(Enga%C3%B1o_Arc%C3%B3ntico)
spanish???
I think it's this: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Archontic_Deception_Strategy
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8/9:11
I love how when I told Ryan I was scared because I was having chest pains he said "why don't you take an asprin or something?" and some other thing as he got in his car and left. In general when I shared my challenges he said I'm creating it because I want to suffer and while that may be true on some level, the lack of compassion (which he acknowledged and partially apologized for without making any changes to it) was interesting. I'm observing. We didn't touch until the end when we had a fat-person hug. It's just not working - there's no attraction or desire or kindness or love. We had a good conversation which was good and I did help bring him out of his shell some as he is talking more and is on board with doing accupuncture and the water pod thing.
God, please keep us all safe in the storm. They are trying to scare us.
God, please keep us all safe in the storm. They are trying to scare us.
Everything is fine.
I lost my comfort blanket - my plumb line - so I can learn to listen to my own heart.
I lost my comfort blanket - my plumb line - so I can learn to listen to my own heart.
I am not alone. I have ME. And God. I AM GOD SOVEREIGN FREE. I get twisted up with Ryan SOME, but he also helps me to think through my thoughts ("why do you say "upgrade"?"...that helped.) I need rest.
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You see this message to me today??? AHHHH!! PAY ATTENTION!!
ps. Ryan told me today that he's going to get a dog. That's definitely the end of our relationship. He couldn't commit to me but he can commit to a dog. Yeah. Putting him in the friend zone. I want to love and heal myself and be ready for my partner who wants to be with me. Who wants to open his heart. Who wants to explore and feel into each other and walk together as we heal. Ryan isn't capable yet. Maybe in a few years, and maybe then his girl will be ready. I need to be my true lover's girl and that requires being MY GIRL FIRST. I need to love and care for and take care OF my body, mind, and soul. Oh yeah, Ryan said "try meditating". Both of those are fine ... and I did meditate for 15 minutes tonight before he came which helped me be calm. I just feel cast off, unloved, unwanted, used. Why am I creating this for myself? Shut it down. Love myself. Forget him and everyone. Love ME.
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