RIP Mr. Casey

Tonight I went to see Mr. Casey in hospice and he was gone. His room was dark and empty. 

I've been feeling really bad about myself today... seeing what Ryan was talking about about how it's so hard to understand me and that I don't make any sense ... my first conversation with Dan was like that... like I'm on a different wavelength and just don't understand others. And I feel bad about it. I'm "off"... I say things at the wrong time and weird things. I feel bad. And depressed and like a loser.

And Ryan just flips out at me all the time. 

And ridicules me all the time.

Except when he's nice. He took me to see Mr. Casey (didn't come in but drove me there... very kind)... but he just jabs at me when he can and flips. Tonight I thought he was leaving and said thank you for coming and he mentioned that we usually smoke together (he smokes, I sit in the cold) after a meal and I said I didn't think so and ... then he flipped to him wanting to leave and me wanting him to stay, saying he gave me enough of his time and said he came over at... 6:30, no 6:44 he left his house and I said I remembered looking at the clock and it being after 7 (which was probably when he was already here and we were going to leave)... it was just so stupid and he twists me up and I don't know who's gaslighting who and he starts screaming and it's just a nightmare and then he finally leaves and I decide to let him go and that I need to really let him go and then he came back and hugged me and said he knew I was going through some shit (either remembering me telling him about feeling depressed and like there's no point or Mr. Casey's passing... not sure what he was referring to), but he's not safe and I don't see a life with him. He's got no ambition. Today the question about where we see ourselves in 3 years came up and he said "just as it is today".... so in his camper with his cats. He said he'd like to have money but they he said, no, not even that, I don't care. 

I want to be making the most of life... feeling and living and reeling in it. I am WASTING my life and energy with this man who doesn't even love me. Doesn't have the capacity to because he has so much of his own muck to work through. He got me a "make your own dildo" kit for Christmas which was so thoughtful but I will never see it. (It's made from a mold of HIS penis and I was so excited, but he won't finish it and I can't hold out and he won't make love to me and he won't learn from others. He's just not my kind of guy. He's smart in some ways and so daft in others...emotional intelligence = 0. (Well, very low score.)

I need to come back to ME. I've been saying that. God is saying that to you, Carissa. When will you listen?