Recalibration - take my life back

I had to call Paul. I talked to him for over an hour. He's very depressed. I have to live in alignment to my own heart. I am not cold-hearted. I sensed that I needed to call him and I'm glad I did. I see how I want to "help" him but how's not my work. But I was able to be a light in his world - someone who cared. 

Ryan wouldn't let Corie come over to see his house (even though she was in his front yard looking at the animals with Jim & Dee. He wouldn't even come out and wave and say Hi. I think I interrupted him masturbating. This morning when he put his phone on his TV to do crossword puzzles it defaulted to what he was looking at last - porn. That's his jam. He hasn't had an interest in me. I don't have an interest in him either... women are meant to respond to a man who wants them. He wants me to give him head but he doesn't return any affection and can't even touch me. 

We are fine friends. I don't want to bend my life and personality any more. I've compromised myself so much. I don't like smoking, hermiting, swearing, ruding, days of TV, angering, etc. I want nature and freedom and adventure and laughter and fun and kindness and generosity. He has excuses for why he can't give me time or anything I want.... he's rebellious...doesn't want to give me what I want.

I'm feeling a season of "recalibration" and it's rough. I can't share it with him because he says I'm creating it. No understanding or compassion. ("I will Trust in You" - Lauren Daigle). He's not the guy. 

I will converse with Barinder in India/Australia. Talk to Paul. Have friends. Be single. Fall in love with myself. Heal my body. Choose and learn how to eat and care for myself. Meditate. Read. Rest. Work. Love my family. Spend time with friends, including Ryan, if he wants to. But I've been working realllllllllly hard to get him to like me. He likes me for a day or two every 3rd day. He's got his own demons and will have to work on them. And I'll work on mine.

He doesn't give. He won't sleep here with me. How many times has he done it since I've lived here almost 6 months? 2 or 2.5? Something like that. Maybe 3? I don't think so though.  I spent 2 nights at his house last weekend alone.

"Step into a new day - we can rise up from the dust and walk away - we can dance upon the heartache. So light a match, leave the past, burn the ships, and don't you look back." -For King and Country

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Ryan is my greatest teacher

Thank you God.

"I give up control" - For King and Country