I don't need it.

I don't need to be treated like this. I don't need to be talked to, yelled at, treated like this. I'm done. I want to be done. He wastes his life. He wants to be a miserable curmudgeon. I don't. I want to be free and kind and friendly. I'm a fun-loving, kind person and if he doesn't see it or appreciate it, then that's that. 

How long have I asked him to put up my curtain rod? How long did I ask him to change my oil. Both of those things were over a month and he can't find time to do it. He said I shouldn't do it.... threatened me. He is not supportive. He is not kind. He is not my person. My person loves me. 

I see how I want to go on a dating site so I can find someone instead of just being with myself. Just be with myself. Love myself. I love you. I've got you.

I am enough.

I have to let him go. Don't call or reach out. Let him go. Let him go!!!

_____ 

14/12:24

I super tried with you, Ryan. You can play the victim all you want but I have been very patient and apologetic and transparent and honest. I waited all day to talk to you as you kept putting me off. We had plans for me to spend the night - the only night this week we could.

I have given you so much “processing” space. Apologized until I was blue in the face. You say “read through the lines” and I am reading that you were looking for any excuse to end it. If my reaching out to an ex-friend who said he might be dying is a betrayal…if you can’t see it any other way and have mercy on me, then it is what it is. I care about people. I tried very hard to shut that off for weeks but I gave in during a week point (when my other friend had just died) and if you want to fault me for it, go for it. I knew it was wrong and that’s why I waited 5 days to tell you, but I didn’t lie forever. I understand it was a “lie of omission” for 5 days and I’m sorry. Anyway, you have been a shit to me.

CARISSA, DON’T SEND THIS. This guy is very bad. God is giving me an OUT. Ryan broke up with ME because I didn’t apologize sufficiently… because I both apologized and also justified that I should have called him. I know he is a user, but Ryan is an abuser. I keep forgiving Ryan. Why shouldn’t I keep forgiving Paul? I need to keep forgiving myself. And take this FREEDOM and RUN WITH IT!

Take care of myself! Date. Meet people. Have fun. Go out. Stay in. Meditate. Pray and play and BE. I have my animal family. Ryan is a deadbeat. I think and pray that he’ll pull himself out of the muck, but he’s so full of himself that he can’t see straight now. 

I can’t see straight either. I have accepted the most inhumane treatment… and from someone that claimed to love me and that I gave so much of myself to. But I keep doing that. This is my chance to stop that. 

Time to cut him off.

How good did it feel to cut Barinder off? So good.

Take my peace back. 

Ryan is a taker too. 

I want to start over with a Christian man…someone who has morals and values and knows how to treat people. Poor Ryan. I know he’s had so much trauma in his life - much of which he created himself with his drug use, etc. But until he chooses to address his own mental health (and physical health), he’s not safe. And I NEED TO BE DONE giving myself away to that.

___

It's God's mercy and grace. I am free. I DID lie...it was a lie of omission. I knew what I did was "wrong". But I want to be with someone who trusts me to be a light unto the world... encourages me to care about others....to forgive and try to help them. Who sees ME and wants me to be me. I don't "want" Paul. I wanted to check on him. Corie told me that he was suffering from depression, so I knew that. And I didn't want him to feel alone. I still don't. I care about him.  I care about Ryan too. And I'm sad that Ryan will go back to his pathetic life... but maybe not... he's gotten a taste of having a friend and encouragement by someone who believes in him. I helped him to see his strengths and hopefully inspired him to do more with his life. But maybe not. 

Either way, he's not for me. Not now. Maybe if he gets his stuff together and has some sort of soul-awakening and opens his heart. I need to mend my own heart. And that's it. I have allowed the most vile behavior... the way he yells at me and swears at me and puts me down... I'm glad I have lots of journals and voice journals to remember. It's been toxic for 9 of the 10 months we've been together. 

It's time to invest in loving ME. Back to ME. I've been avoiding doing my own work in order to have fun with him. Distraction. It was a trick. But I'm done now. Am I? I really want to be. It's time to stop lying to myself and do what I say I'm going to do. 

I need to put more thought into it. It's almost 1am and I've been up since 5am for work. Let me make a quick list:

Health - exercise and eat well and meditate 

Mental Health - meditate and walk dogs

Spiritual health - get back in ES and talk to friends

Home - clean and do some projects

Work - embrace it and do some projects

I'll have a lot more time if I don't spend all of it with Ryan... cooking, watching TV, trying to get him to talk.

He's not attracted to me. That's the main issue. If he was, it would be different. He's angry and uptight and controlling and rude. His anxiety produces anger and control. Fear. His coping mechanism. I can relate. He's got lots of karma to reconcile too (like me). God bless him. And please help me to remain free. Remember that I am free and I don't need to make excuses for myself to get an abusive asshole to like me. F-that. 

I LIKE ME. And I forgot. So remember. 

And go get some sleep dear one. 

I want a WHOLESOME relationship with someone who might be willing to create a life with me... Ryan isn't moving in that direction. He's not right for me. Let him go. Thank you God for this gift.

Thank you for showing me Barinder.
Thank you for showing me Ryan. 
Thank you for showing me ME.