It's Time

It's (finally) time to invest in myself. To be HONEST with myself. To tell myself the truth. The truth will set me free. To be aligned with my own soul and needs and MEET THEM MYSELF. To stop the addictive patterning of looking outside myself for dopamine hits, comfort, distraction, excitement, love, etc...whatever I'm looking for. 

I am my own lover. I am my own parents. I've been SAYING it for years. Now I need to put it into practice. (I think I may have practiced it well before I met Paul... I was at peace and happy then.) 

On the verge of spending this 9hour day at work on dating apps - looking for distraction or someone who could excite me. Is that the lust demon in a mask? It's definitely me feeding the bad wolf... abandoning myself. Giving that job away to a stranger who could never complete the task and asking someone to do that is putting too much burden on another person. Is that vampirism too? I'd say.

So... I'm going to spend the time I would have spent searching dating apps, going on dates, talking to guys, etc. on ME. On loving myself and entertaining myself. On healing myself. On reading, brain games, meditation, exercise, journaling, work, cleaning, talking to friends, walking dogs, exploring - go find new hikes, etc.

Ryan. 

I am pushy and needy. If I can meet my own needs then I don't need to ask of them from someone else. 

Corie helped me a lot this morning to think and talk through all this. I told her about how I was on the verge of getting on all the dating apps but that I didn't want to or think it was best because I was just filling a void and nothing would change until I do. And that it would put a nail in the coffin of Ryan's and my relationship. Even though we are broken up, I still like him in my life and I think he likes me in his. He doesn't love me and that just is the way it is. So I need to just accept it and focus on loving myself. I wrote the following notes to myself this morning.

Ryan had his hand on me with a curled fist - not in love. Didn’t and doesn't want to touch me or make love or kiss me. I asked if we could make out and he smelled my breath and then said maybe and didn’t. And I asked if he would f me and he said maybe. And didn’t. Then came the hand around me when I was cuddled up to him and it had closed fingers. He isn’t attracted to me. Get it through my head. And I am pushy and needy- longing for him - and he doesn’t have it in him to give to me. Even after I gave him an epic 40min (or so) massage. He took great care of evening animal chores 4x this week.

______ 

He’s in a trauma pattern - explosive something - and until he does the work to heal himself it’s not going to work.

I am like that guy with the tiny penis who was so into me that it pushed me away. (Justin)

I need to be into myself.

Anyway, he’s not in a place where he can be a good partner. He IS “damaged goods” (which we all are) but he also doesn’t want to heal or put in the work to grow.

It is a gift from the Universe to get me out of it. It is just hurting me and causing digression.

I need to focus on and love myself. Be with ME. But I also want to date. So what’s that? Me abandoning myself.

I can’t feel. I’m not aligned with my truth and core otherwise I would do what I know to do which is date myself.

Is it harmful to look around? Only because you will find someone who will help you distract yourself from yourself and also it does break any possibility of reconciliation with Ryan and it will hurt him. Which I shouldn’t t care about because he doesn’t care about me. He does. But he comes first always. And then animals and then maybe me if he’s in a decent mood.

Be with all this.

so...yeah. I know the truth. Take my focus off Ryan and put it on myself. If ME and me can get aligned, we can handle anything. We'll know what to do with Ryan. For now I'll just love and focus on myself. It will be a relief to him too.

1/20 1:44

444

Yep. THIS IS the Way!!!

ps. I deleted the ratchety Christian Mingle (which you can't even talk to people on without paying $50 for a month) and had downloaded but not created profiles for Plenty of Fish and OK Cupid. I deleted them all. 

Yes, I just heard my brain say, "what if Ryan starts dating or seeing or having sex with someone else?" and I have to say "then that's God's will.".... God will direct my steps. For some reason He has shut it down with Ryan and I just have to trust the Greater Vision and immerse myself in my own love and attention.