I wrote to Ryan:
My needs:To Iove and be loved in return.Someone who cares about me and my life experience. Someone I can care about and share in their life experiences.Someone who wants to remain connected even when we are apart.Someone who lights up when they see me - happy to see and be with me.Someone who wants to (and also initiates) exploration, experience,and adventure with me. Who wants to learn and feel and live.Someone who likes to experience physical touch- who wants to touch me as well.Someone who wants to grow and learn and more thoroughly experience what life has to offer….together.I like to think and feel and ponder and dream. I want to do that with my beloved.I want someone who wants me. I want to love and be loved in return. I want them to choose me.To like me.To want to be with me.I have a lot of love to give - I want to serve and please and learn about and delight my beloved.I like to help and be with and do things that make us both feel accomplished and fulfilled.In summary - I want to SHARE in love, affection, desire, exploration, snuggles, and growth.I don’t want to fight, talk ugly, or hurt one another. I want to be a good, accepting, and life-giving influence on one another. To dream and manifest a life together in unity and love.What do you want in relationships?Are we compatible in this?
Also truth/honesty, transparency, trust, and respect.
He is just on the fence. And we talked about it. And I understand and we both need to learn how to relate to one another. But we do love each other but I felt that we are going in different directions and maybe we need time apart to figure it out but I didn't want to actually be apart from him - I wanted us still to see eachother and eat together every day but he said we couldn't but that we could see eachother now and then as friends. I don't want that. I also like how he's started to say "we need to do ____" on my house...like he's beginning to take care of me in that way. But we needed sexual connection and somehow we got to that tonight.... I wrote after:
Excellence sex with Ryan. Good talk too. He needs more time. What do I want? I asked his thoughts on my relationship needs and he said something like he thought a lot of them were doable or something. We had sex - vaginal, anal, oral and the vaginal again. Rung my bell. I felt so much.
I don't know... that was incoherent. I'm feeling a little tired and I think that there are forces that try to keep us apart and I don't know what's right... I want to be happy and fullfilled. Can we create a life like that together? I like the way he has been thinking about higher matters - God, etc. He's continually developing. We help each other.
Barinder, on the other hand, is out. He's gross. He was begging me to talk to him and saying that he wants to have sexual and emotional connection, blah blah - gross. The last straw was when he asked what my favorite colors are just so he could ask if that was the colors of my undergarments. No. He's gross. I don't want to talk to him at all anymore. I muted him.
If he was a friend, I would have liked that... I thought maybe it would be like a Kirk - someone to talk about spiritual matters with. But it got messy FAST. He's riddled with demonic lust and is a liar and doesn't know it. Or maybe he does. But I don't want that. Ryan is my guy. Ryan let me look through his phone today. He said he's got nothing to hide and I appreciate that.
He is irritated with me because we aren't always on the same wavelength and we don't always understand each other.
But I like it so much when he's kind and open and we can connect.
If he was a friend, I would have liked that... I thought maybe it would be like a Kirk - someone to talk about spiritual matters with. But it got messy FAST. He's riddled with demonic lust and is a liar and doesn't know it. Or maybe he does. But I don't want that. Ryan is my guy. Ryan let me look through his phone today. He said he's got nothing to hide and I appreciate that.
He is irritated with me because we aren't always on the same wavelength and we don't always understand each other.
But I like it so much when he's kind and open and we can connect.
I'm tired. It's almost 11 on 1/11. It's actually 10:58.
Now it's Jan(1) 11/11:00 - Listening to a song "Love By Our Side"...the one I thought and felt with and for Kirk. Interesting. It popped up when I went to take a screenshot of the 11/11:00... now 11/11:01.... Oh Kirk. I miss you. These are the things he noticed too.
"I know the world feels heavy, but I'm by your side, I'm here and I am ready, let love be our guide.
"I know the world feels heavy, but I'm by your side, I'm here and I am ready, let love be our guide.
We will RISE. We will RISE. We will RISE. We will RISE.
I know the world feels heavy, but I'm by your side. I'm here and I am ready, let love be our guide.
We will RISE. We will RISE. We will RISE. We will RISE."
Ryan and I are karma-burning machines. Thank you God.
Important: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Harmlessness
Talked/shared this with Misha yesterday...this is an anthem for my relationship with Ryan (and myself):
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=Wzg8scAZ2NM&si=oBEOzuWGDhjbaeho
HARD LOVE
Trading punches with the heart of darknessGoing to blows with your fear incarnateNever gone until it's stripped awayA part of you has gotta die to change
In the morning you gon' need an answerAin't nobody gonna change the standardIt's not enough to just feel the flameYou've gotta burn your old self away
Hold on tight a little longerWhat don't kill ya, makes ya strongerGet back up, cuz it's a hard loveYou can't change without a falloutIt's gon' hurt, but don't you slow downGet back up, cuz it's a hard love
I know the situation can't be rightAnd all you ever do is fightBut there's a reason that the road is longIt take some time to make your courage strong
Hold on tight a little longerWhat don't kill ya, makes ya strongerGet back up, cuz it's a hard loveYou can't change without a falloutIt's gon' hurt, but don't you slow downGet back up, cuz it's a hard love
When the wolves come and hunt me downI will face them off and stand my groundCuz there's a fire burnin' in meThey will see my strength in this love I foundOh
Hold on tight a little longerWhat don't kill ya, makes ya strongerGet back up, cuz it's a hard loveYou can't change without a falloutIt's gon' hurt, but don't you slow downGet back up, cuz it's a hard love
It's a hard love
Hold on tight, cuz it's a (hard love)Don't lose hope, cuz it's a (hard love)Get back up, cuz it's a (hard love)Cuz it's a hard loveHold on tight, cuz it's a (hard love)Don't lose hope, cuz it's a (hard love)Get back up, cuz it's a (hard love)Cuz it's a hard, it's a hard love
Hold on tight a little longerWhat don't kill ya, makes ya strongerGet back up, cuz it's a hard loveYou can't change without a falloutIt's gon' hurt, but don't you slow downGet back up, cuz it's a hard love(Cuz it's a hard love)
Powerful time listening to a Jesus Culture song called "You Won't Relent"... wow. Thank you God.
This was yesterday's AG pick.
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Galactic_Suns
It helped me release some fear about my left side squeezing and numbness... pointing me back to what I felt that it might be related to a magnetic shift on the earth.
Ryan hates ES and thinks it's so bad ...ridicules it...i.e. when I told him about GSF today... and I definitely want to try to be sure I'm not looking outside of myself for answers, but it really does help and seem so connected to my life experience. I don't have to share that with Ryan. He is on his own spiritual journey and doesn't need to understand mine. We can talk about it when he has an opening to. He is growing. Am I here to help him? I'm here to help me, and embody my higher self, and support the earth and my teams. God please lead the way.
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Galactic_Suns
It helped me release some fear about my left side squeezing and numbness... pointing me back to what I felt that it might be related to a magnetic shift on the earth.
Ryan hates ES and thinks it's so bad ...ridicules it...i.e. when I told him about GSF today... and I definitely want to try to be sure I'm not looking outside of myself for answers, but it really does help and seem so connected to my life experience. I don't have to share that with Ryan. He is on his own spiritual journey and doesn't need to understand mine. We can talk about it when he has an opening to. He is growing. Am I here to help him? I'm here to help me, and embody my higher self, and support the earth and my teams. God please lead the way.
That Galactic Suns article speaks to so many of my current experiences, including clearing karmic debris and being a frequency conduit and just so much of what I'm doing here. I get mind-wiped a lot, especially around Ryan. But I'm okay. Just need to remember to shield more and keep being honest with myself and Ryan. I'm tired. Jan (1) 11/11:29 (which makes 11!!!)
Sweet dreams.
Sweet dreams.
11/23:33
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