Letter to Ryan - moving forward

I feel very accomplished and right and good about sending this to Ryan:

Hey Ryan, I sure do love you. You know that. 

I wanted to let you know that I am finally getting it through my thick head that you aren’t interested in a future with me. I LOVED your “the way is the way” comment yesterday - presence IS the Way. But I also believe in having goals and hopes and dreams and DO want to be with someone who wants to share some with me. 

You are my best friend and favorite person and hope that never changes. That said, I need to respect your wishes and as you said yesterday (and probably the day before, and the day before that, and the day before that…), you don’t want to make plans with me. You aren’t attracted to me. If I don’t want to be with someone like that, then don’t wait around. You don’t know what the future holds for you. You don’t know if your mind or heart will change. And my wanting to talk about and feel into it puts pressure on you that you don’t have time or energy for. 

Anyway, I wanted to at least give you a heads up so you don’t feel bad, that I am going to start dating. I DO want to be with someone who wants to be with me and who wants to dream with me and create a future filled with love, peace, abundance, adventure, and joy. You know I want to live with my beloved - sharing cuddles and projects, not to mention tangible benefits like sharing financial burdens. 

I [am coming around to try to] respect your choice of life. It makes me sad because I love you so SO much and think we could be great together. But I can’t just throw my own future/potential away in the hopes that you will come around someday… especially when it feels like you are pushing me away harder and harder. Gah. I’m sad. I’m also mad. Because you are wasting this magic we have - just letting it rot. I’m frustrated and upset that you could treat this gift with such contempt. Sabotage. I wish you’d listen to that podcast Dee sent. (It’s up a few messages from this message.) PLEASE listen for a few minutes from 39:27. 

I love you. I hope I can find someone like you - smart, talented, kind (when he wants to be), funny, handsome. It’s a tall order. Right now my priority is ME. Loving myself. Learning to meet my own love needs. Caring for my own body, mind, and soul. Not looking outside of myself for what I need. But I guess I’ll keep my options open and wanted to give you a heads up. I know you have been very clear about breaking up with me, but as you say, I hear what I want to hear and I didn’t want to hear that. I feel loyalty to you and it feels like cheating to go on a dating site, but I’m being willful to not accept your wishes. So I’m just covering all the bases by being honest - even though if we aren’t together I don’t owe you any explanation. But I love you, like an idiot. So I’m doing it anyway.

It’s up to you how you’d like to progress in our friendship. I am available to continue cooking and spending time together. I think we can scratch each other’s back and I was really eager to help you with your new business and with the tax thing and acupuncture and all the things to help you grow and heal and become more free and happy. I’m still in for all of it. 

The ball is in your court. You have chosen to ignore most of my pleas for conversation around all of this and I just keep going like an energizer bunny - pretending that it doesn’t hurt. I hope you’ll find it in your heart to read my words and feel my heart and communicate yours.

Love,

Cristy

Sent at 18/11:18

And now I move forward with truth, honesty, love, and self-care! Thank you God!

___

18/11:12 - Ryan brought me flowers today. Sunflowers and an orchid. BEFORE he read my email/note. He was returning the gesture from my bringing him a bouquet of jerky and a kiss this morning on his way out. He also bought us a Sous Vide to cook with. I gave him half the money for it tonight to help with the financial burden, but it was also a nice gesture.

He doubled down after reading my note - he doesn't want to commit to me and likes me other than my being pushy and willful (maybe he said controlling?) ... I don't know. But we definitely have problems and I was (am) willing to work on them with him in the context of a committed relationship. He doesn't want to commit until we have "arrived". I told him people never arrive... there will always be more and more that comes up. He's just very inexperienced and doesn't know. But I'm grateful we talked about it and he said to go ahead and date and said (some truths) that I would just have the same mess...that I need to have a beta guy, etc. And he questioned my dream of having us be friends and me dating someone else. And I get it. I think we'll organically separate if I get serious with someone else. But I hope that this time apart will give us both time to grow and learn what we want. He wants to be a hermit and he has a name - NARCO or something - of what kind of person he is. Just living in the moment. 

I don't know. But he can do him. And I'll keep working on myself. I walked the dogs today and meditated a little and did brain games. 

OH! Ryan also surprised me and brought me my rock!!!! I am so excited about it! It's beautiful!!! What a gift from God!! It's a quartz mix rock with so many beautiful attributes. So big I can meditate on it! It's amazing!! Thank you God!!!!! I love my home!!

Please help my rock friend to settle in well. To be cleansed and feel loved and washed and purified and healed and loved in and through our Krystal Cathedral here. 

I love Ryan. God help me. 

___

He spends every evening with me - cooking/eating, watching Jeopardy or football or whatever, talking/smoking, etc. He loves me. He just won't let himself or doesn't know how to get beyond ...oh, he's just got so much gunk. 

And I talked to Corie for over an hour today who fought for Jerry and she feels like it's not worth it because their true colors come out later (the colors they say they have now, technically). I don't believe that. I see Ryan's true colors - but I believe in LOVE and healing and want us to be HAPPY and feel like LOVE HEALS ALL SIN/wounds. 

But he's often mean and he just pushes me away and he's not interested in doing the work to heal. He has said in the past that he'd do therapy, but he's sooooo messed up...he'd probably get angry and leave. Oh man. I'm just grateful for this pocket of love we get to share during this time and it's up to God how it pans out. 

I put a profile on "Christian Mingle" - pretty lame - and I can't talk to anyone unless I subscribe, which I don't want to do for $50 a month. So yeah. Maybe it scratches the itch. Or maybe I'll go back to Plenty of Fish. But mostly I just want to love on myself and Ryan and hope he comes around. The other stuff is just to distract me from Ryan's rejection. I will attract my true mate when I embody my true self. 

___

He said "I'm pushy and needy" and he doesn't like or want that in a partner. And I understand. And it's true. 

19/9:10 (mirror numbers)
He CALLED me on his way to work this morning, just now, which is very special and out of character. Thank you God.