Feel it all

I am coming back to consciousness...to life...to intention. Thank you God. Coming out of the Ryan fog. Back to myself. Barinder is helping, thanks be to God! He sent me a LIFE-GIVING message today to remind me who I am and what I'm doing.... FEEL and FACE and PRAY that by God's grace I get to overcome...

So I will feel and taste my desire for food.
I will feel and practice stretching and yoga.

I will watch...observe... see Ryan's selfishness and neglect. He hasn't chosen me either. First I must choose me and then God might bless me with a partner that we mutually choose each other as well. That we might laugh and play and explore together.

Ryan is stuck and he IS slowly opening his mind and heart, and I'm grateful that I got to be a catalyst to support and encourage that and maybe we will remain friends, but I can no longer give him my heart. It's mine and it's a tool that I can use to connect to other beings and to see and feel and love. Thank you God for calling me back.

Thank you for the guardians surrounding my home. Thank you that THY DIVINE WILL be done. 

Fear not. Feel it all. 

_____

Crazy storms and wind tonight. Time to face my fear. Ryan did come and have dinner and I felt so much better with his presence. We had honest talk. I invited him to have an open relationship and he wasn't interested in it but did seem okay with breaking up but we didn't but maybe he wasn't okay with it but he's not ready to commit or say whether he wants to be with me one way or another, but he likes having a girlfriend and someone who cares about him and when I told him my needs weren't being met he thought I was breaking up but I was trying to open discussion about me and at one point he said he wants to be selfish. I'm not sure what will come of it but it was good discussion and I'm glad he was open to it. I don't want to be stuck for years with someone who isn't right for me. But I also sure do love him. But I love me more. Or I must. I must love GOD more. What would God have me do? Be ME. I had a lovely time chanting and sit-dancing, stretching, moving, worshipping on the porch. I want to...need to... fast and ask for guidance on how to eat. Certainly NOT the smores candies and Bean cookies that I'm munching on after 10pm at night!!!

Had the BEST message from Barinder today and wrote him back a big book too. Glad he's in my life for as long and for whatever purpose God has. God's will be done. I see how impatient I am. I wish I could meet him NOW. I want it all NOW. 

Ryan's not ready. And he's not a taker, but he's definitely not much of a giver either. And he does take my TIME and my life to wait on him....and to smoke and watch TV and wait for him to fall asleep and to come over and to do anything... yeah... he isn't an energy vampire but our misaligned ambition wastes a lot of my life... I give it away. Hm. 

It's still blowing hard... big winds.