Today I spent a couple hours this morning at Ryan's after an abusive outburst, waiting for him to wake up and apologize and then to sip coffee and do our Sunday crossword puzzle. 2-3 hours CHECK.
I asked him to come over here to cook ribs to eat with football...to hang out. And he was mad at me for not putting enough seasoning on the jerky and won't eat any of it. He was mad at me for freezing the pizza (which I reheated for him). He berated me and blamed me and made a giant drama because I didn't use my words when he asked if I was looking at "pussy videos" when I was doing my brain training. I looked at him like he must be joking and that set him off again.
We went on a dog walk which was peaceful and nice.
We watched TWO playoff games at his Dad's house... I was there for 4pm until 10pm. Wasting my life when I should be loving on MY FAMILY and MY LIFE and MY HOME and MY BODY.
I should be dancing, relaxing, bathing, cleaning, doing coffee enemas, playing with my animal friends and meditating with my tree and rock friends. I should be available for my human friends and reading and watching videos and maybe Lisa/ES...not sure on that...but I filled myself with POISON the last few days - so much GARBAGE - sweets and stuff that makes me feel bloated and gross and depressed.
Who is going to take care of me if not me??
Time to woman up.
Stop wasting my time and energy on someone who squanders it.
No, Ryan doesn't love me. He will never love me. He doesn't have the capacity to love me until he learns to love himself. I can't love him well unless I love myself and I'm certainly not doing that.
I was glad to see Paul yesterday and feel his emotional poor me pity vampiric sucking depression energy and it's not necessary or helpful for me to be around that. He has been a taker the whole time.
Love and value myself enough not to let jerks in.
Prioritize myself and my home and my family....THIS is loving myself. Learn and do it, Beloved Carissa.
Heal your character and build virtue. God is with us.
No, Ryan doesn't love me. He will never love me. He doesn't have the capacity to love me until he learns to love himself. I can't love him well unless I love myself and I'm certainly not doing that.
I was glad to see Paul yesterday and feel his emotional poor me pity vampiric sucking depression energy and it's not necessary or helpful for me to be around that. He has been a taker the whole time.
Love and value myself enough not to let jerks in.
Prioritize myself and my home and my family....THIS is loving myself. Learn and do it, Beloved Carissa.
Heal your character and build virtue. God is with us.
___
I'm ashamed it has gone so far. That I've allowed so much. That I've been so stupid in believing that he really likes me even though he shows me so often he doesn't. He's divided. We talked about it last night. I felt it. I feel it. I feel his heart's capacity for and love for me. But he doesn't ever show me or reciprocate it ...doesn't reach out to hold my hand or touch me. Maybe he did once when I looked at him. But again today he had his hand in a fist not to hold me.... like going through the motions. He doesn't desire me. And I'm just trying to get him to. It's toxic and unhealthy and harmful to both of us. I have to let him go and I should be intentional about it. I don't know if it's best to just cut it off altogether. I feel he wants to remain friends and I would like that too. We just need more space apart. And he can't try to control me - or talk badly to me or insult me. He can be respectful as a friend is. And I need to do the same. I don't own or claim him. His most used page on his phone is his porn site. I believe he's on there every day and probably many times. He hasn't made any effort to have sex with me in months. I made effort last month and he allowed me to sit on him one time, maybe two. And I just try to please him so he wants me more but I make him mad because my butt bled and he hasn't made any effort since. That's the one thing that he was able to tell me from his list of what he's looking for in a partner - someone who likes anal sex. And I have tried to. But he's not gentle or loving and frankly, he's just not good at sex...it's all about him and the act...he's trained by porn. Not about connection. He thinks he knows everything - about the way things are - but he's missing a major piece... spiritual truth and understanding. And mine is seeping away as I pour my life into his ... and he doesn't deserve me. Buck up Carissa, and start loving yourself. Feel how good it feels to do that!!! It feels SO GOOD!!!
Okay? Okay. I love you.
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