Regret

13:03

For just a moment... an hour.... I started to regret this whole massive life-shift. Michael was telling me something he was learning about water and consciousness and I was, again, blown away by the fact that he is really awakening! A year ago I didn't think it was possible. He spent his days watching TV and then it shifted to him tuning into the Trump drama but now he's constantly feeding himself new information, thank you God!!

The comfortable life we have here - especially because I live like a Princess - is very appealing as well. I have all that I could want and more. And I'm able to do my own consciousness work and growth and gridwork. Especially since we separated, I feel like I have all the benefits and little "to pay". This led me to guilt though... wanting Michael to be able to have someone to serve HIM...to love him...to want to make love to him. 

That wasn't me. Being with him felt all wrong with my soul - it made me hate myself, caused anxiety, and caused me to lash out at him which hurt him. This is the epitome of toxicity. 

It's strange because I agreed to merge with him under the guise of this "master/submissive" mentality and it looks good in pictures and words, but I know it slowly killed my soul. I had given away my power and being and ended up in the metatronic reversal. (This was also from the black heart from the relationship - enemy patterning and betrayal/abandonment with Tyrone.)

I needed to experience all this though. This was part of my life's path and mission. And it feels like maybe, just maybe NOW is the time that we get to template the HGU for REAL. I am going to Paul understanding we are both broken, I see his tastes (dom/sub too) and he sees my mess (anxiety and DM), but we both want to HEAL ONE ANOTHER IN LOVE. Genuinely. He is wise and handsome and spiritual and grounded and everything that I want and need. 

It's also going to challenge me to go beyond my laziness and princess code and to become a true servant... have a servant's heart of LOVE - service to others (STO).  I NEED this. This is part of the reclamation of the earth... it starts with the reclamation of my soul... the healing of the nephilim control-and-conquer consciousness. 

The Light that Michael has is bright and beautiful and I feel that our relationship helped heal him so his light could shine brighter and brighter. And I think the same will happen with Paul and I. We are going to merge and connect with eachother and the world and anchor higher and higher frequencies. I want to do this with Paul. I want to explore and learn and feel into this with Paul. I feel such strong love for him - like LOVE LOVE, not lust or infatuation, though there is a little of that, but I feel a DEEP SOULMELDING LOVE with him that was just THERE when we peeked under the rock. 

So. Fear not, beloved. Don't focus on what you are losing, focus on how you can appreciate and smash your whole heart into what you are gaining. This is what we came for.  1:16

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https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Dragon_Line_Session

My AG pick of the day. I've seen this before and it feels very personal like this is my role too. Lots of amazing information. I was torn about sharing with Paul or not and I ended up doing it knowing he could discard what didn't resonate (probably the whole thing for now), but maybe something will stick as a code to unlock something. If he is my divine partner does he have the same "makeup" as me? Is he this too? 

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I need to work on kiegels ... this is very serious. I was just jumping on my trampoline and peeing so much!!! So now I'm desperately trying to work on keigels!! Please don't let this metal mess me up!

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Please do not see evil in Paul. Please do not give in to the lies and psychic attack!
SEE LOVE. HE IS LOVE. 
My job is to see him AS HE IS... LOVE... and stand by as he 9:28 continues to evolve and embody Source. No judgement. No trying to change anything. Just BE. 

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10:53 - I've got to work this out...hash this out. I can't write fast enough in my journal. I'm freaking cold though so we'll see if I can type.... but MAN. I'm having trouble. Now the title of this journal entry is going to make even more sense. I regret buying a ticket to Alaska. I don't think I should go.

I just read a conglomeration of AG articles on Satanism, Baphomet, Thoth, etc... they were very telling and I see how I have, indeed, been brought into this energy here to learn about it and feel into it. There are Egyptian timelines buried in here. I keep thinking of the Priest Hermes connection which is, of course, Thoth. Sounds like Thoth is who influenced Crowley. Aiawass was a Grey Alien (remember the Grey standing by with a clipboard watching me the other day?)? 

Paul is inundated with these energies. He read me part of his book which was such an honor that he entrusted it to me, but there were disturbing parts in it - the cold blooded murder of a cat was very well-written and I feared that it was based in truth, but he said he would never hurt an animal and I also believe that.

I think we've got two things going on here... I think, again, if he has similar architecture to me, he's got the dual consciousnesses. His dark one is dark like mine... right? I mean, my Dark Mother and Satanic Reversal Mother consciousness is no joke. Absolutely a nightmare. Am I willing to stand by as he rehabilitates? That's the question. I wanted to say YES but now I'm scared... what if I get sucked in instead? Like what happened with Tyrone. These are much stronger forces than me. 11/15 11:00

We've been planning to make love, but now I'm not sure. His distortions and even today he was explaining about the pain/pleasure overlap or whatever... how pain gets registered as pleasure and maybe it overrides something. I don't know but I don't want to mess with my psyche... I'm trying to get myself back to wholeness ... this could be a really big step backwards.

OR it could be part of my job to help rescue my beloved out of the muck. But that's hero/savior TRAP... negative ego LIE. I need to be aligned with my SOUL. That's all. What is my soul saying now? My spirit? It's saying to BE CAREFUL. 

It keeps reminding me that this relationship cannot be about consumptive modeling. That I am a compassionate witness. That I need to stop trying to change him. He's sleeping now. I just realized that he fell asleep. He had 2 hours of sleep last night, of course he needs to rest. 

But this doesn't take away from my hesitance to put myself in a situation that doesn't feel safe. When I feel into the energy that I'm supposed to... this satanic and sexual misery stuff that has come up specifically through Paul.... and when I learn about it, it doesn't feel safe. 

Now when I am talking to Paul... wrapped in his energy field, I DO feel safe and everything feels right. So that's the confusion. 

The Universe deliberately did NOT give me an 11:11 - I had a 11:10 and 11:12. Not sure what it means. I was writing a goodnight note to Paul. 

Please guide me Godself and guidance teams...show me what I should do. I do not want to REACT in FEAR. "Fear is a Liar" ...but I also do not want to be stupid. And I will give up this track/train if it is leading to harm. I only want to be aligned to my HIGHEST TIMELINE and MOST EFFECTIVE work... I do not want to be taken out again....there's too much to do. Please guard and keep me. I ask for your gatekeeping to hold my mission. Thank you!

Amen and Amen.