When will I learn?

Whoa. I got my first "match" on Pattern and guess what? It's the SAME pattern/deal as Ryan. I'll see what happens if we get to talking, but the energy feels the same too. I don't want any more of that hard, entitled, egoic, YUCK energy. I need to be with ME... I am the only one who can love me sufficiently! DATE ME!!!

Forget boys!! 

This song, "I'm With You" by Matthew Mole is inspiring me too. I'M WITH YOU... ME and me... it's God and I... we're in it together and all is well! Peace and joy be with US. 

Tomorrow I'm excited about an HGS session with Terri. 

I'm definitely being called to an HGS union with myself... I don't want to think about it because it's sad and lonely...but it doesn't have to be. I surrender to what my SOUL wants to experience... and apparently, that is being single... I really am best when I am... most at peace. I just love to love. But I need to do that in God's time. I don't need to seek it out... but if I want to have fun and date and talk to others, that's okay too!

Yep, do Al-Anon and focus on ME. 

These songs..."you're beautiful" and "you're it" are talking to me. 

So anyway, love myself and forget boys. 

Song that just came on and it really seems like my lifesong for now = ENOUGH by Nahko

___

Alanon - 

"trying to be my OWN light vs. trying to light everyone else up"

"Ready to unknow all these things so I can find the joy of discovery again. I'm ready to stop being a know-it-all."

___

8:18 (I think I saw that type a few times... just saw it when I came in from saying goodbye to Ryan. OH. MAN. What a mess!

He was super mean to me when I came home from work - he was here fixing my light. He put 10 hours into putting those lights up on my barn. I am so happy though... I love them! Anyway, I went to the gym and Lowes and came home and he was done and going to leave and then I asked if he wanted his thumper and he did...and his shirt.. and as I was giving it to him I realized I wanted to thump my shoulder so pulled it out to do that quickly and then asked if he wanted me to thump him. He did and I did and while I was, he just melted (and drooled a little)... but by the end of it, he was himself again... I saw Ryan in his eyes and he looked at me and said "what do I do?". I said "forgive me." and I think he asked "how?" and I said he had to find that within. 

Then we hugged and eventually went and spent what must have been at least an hour... maybe two... on the hammock with the dogs and each other. We got friendly with each other and it felt nice. But there is definitely hesitation. For me I was worried he was thinking my breath stunk. Earlier he said I smelled... or was it my breath? Yesterday he did too... he always thinks I smell and that's not good... that's a turn off for him ...and me... make me self-conscious. Which is what his ego would like, I'm sure. 

Now I'm eating chocolate tahini and maple almond butter for dinner.

What a rollercoaster. I thought it was over. I was finally getting used to the idea of being single. Unless Ryan and I both are willing to look at our issues, this is going to happen over and over. I need to keep going to Alanon and keep "detaching with love". I started doing the Pattern Connect thing and the one person I got matched with has pretty much the same "pattern" as Ryan. I am not feeling him either... yet. But there are SO MANY nice men in the world... kind, compassionate, generous, loving men who would love me back and not trying to make me feel bad or use me. But it's all about the lessons my soul wants to learn. 

I think I should eat eggs for dinner. I need to eat something. Maybe some organ burger and eggs. It's so late. I need organs though. If they are thawed, I'll eat that. I'll be back...

Okay, I ate. And talked to Lukas a little. I told him I wasn't single but maybe we can be friends? We'll see. I bet he doesn't want to waste his time.... people who are people shopping might be like that. We'll see. I was wondering if he would be a kind version of Ryan? I shouldn't eat that chocolate... it makes me a little dizzy. I need to hang up the coffee too, probably.

I'd be scared if Ryan asks if I talked to his parents and/or if I used a dating app...but I can't lie. I have to tell the truth. And the truth will set me free. And I need to detach with love and live according to my heart... and my heart needed friends and advice and I didn't bad talk him... we all see the truth, he doesn't. He's sick. And I should probably just let him go... but something in me wants to keep going. We'll see. God's will be done. 

____

I just need to give Ryan the lead. Give him the opportunity to be the man he IS. Don't second guess him. Go with him. And give him space. And I need to be vigilant about honesty and unapologetically saying what I mean and owning what I do. I have to nip "people pleasing" in the butt. Be me and that's it.

DICHOTOMY - Nahko

____

10:51

I need to stop doing things that are bad for me. 
Ryan makes me feel bad about myself... I hang on for these beautiful moments, but they are fleeting. When will I choose to put myself first?? He hurts me. He is not good for me. 

Chocolate Tahini hurts me... the chocolate makes my face have red splotches. Or the almond butter? Either way, I shouldn't eat them.

I need to take care of myself... I'm the responsible party... the one who is responsible for caring for ME. Stop trying to get my needs met elsewhere. Get them met inside of my own heart ... take care of myself.

If I want to be with Ryan for my own satisfaction, not because I'm giving myself away... but because it adds to my experience, then more power to me! This is my life! (I am in a state of confusion right now - some dizziness too - very strange.) 

I think I'll go lay down. 

Ah yes... I am a multidimensional being with indigo consciousness and this makes me different... possibly not a good match for Ryan since it is outside of his comfort zone. I could use him for his body, or play hero/savior to try to activate him into his "heroic purpose"/"ascension lifetime", but that's not for me... I need to be true to myself. 

THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE.
I AM.

Here is important information.
https://vibrationsofthesoul.com/how-are-you-feeling/
I need to shake the cobwebs off and get back to my Godself and healing and alignment. Thank you God for this. God bless Terri... please bless and prepare her for our session tomorrow. Protect her (and me and all our loved ones)... thank you Guardians. May God be magnified.

What to do/say

Scary. I sent an email to myself with the response to Ryan's text but I can't find it in "sent" or "inbox"...where did it go? I guess the universe didn't want me to send it. But I do want to be intentional about answering...if I do. He sent me a text message:

I'm so sorry to hear about Burchie. 

I can help you move the hay tmrw after work. 

I'm glad you were able to analyze your msg.  It felt a little.... manipulative? But I understand.  

I've been trying to talk to you for the past two days, to no avail.  Now you want me to come over to 'help you' move something.  Smoke and mirrors. I'm certainly smart enough to see it for what it is.  Glad you are to.  And even honest about it.  Cudos. I miss you, too.  Most of you. 99% of you.  

I was trying to get a hold of you to tell you that I don't hate you.  I hate what you do sometimes.(Lies, manipulation, denial,  insane arguments based on untruths...etc.)  I look at it like a disease.  You hate the alcohol, not the alcoholic, e.g.  I know that's only a small part of who you are. (More than I can deal with, unfortunately.) You're still the great, beautiful, loving, kind, caring person I fell in love with.  That's all I wanted to tell you. 

I'm not sure how you got from recognizing, and APPRECIATING me SHOWING you, that you out right pathologically lie to my face to me being the one who, idk...has to do the work... love myself.... need help.  Whatever you were saying in your last telegram message?   Should have expected that, still bewildered. But that's for you to work out. 

Hope you're well.  Let me know if you need help with that hay.  Hope you have a great day tmrw/today!

I started to write back something like:

I am not a pathological liar. I go into a state of confusion and back-peddle to keep the peace when I feel that I have upset you. I try to justify and find an excuse that will calm you down. I struggle with co-dependency, so when you are upset, I feel it and try to mitigate it. 

If I can make a meeting today, it will be my fourth day of attending Al-Anon meetings. I feel like this is helping me see and address my shortcomings, of which there are many. Primarily right now I am giving myself away to appease you because I want you... and peace. I may have become addicted to the drama/excitement as well. I need to learn how to create safe boundaries and detach with love. I don't actually know all I need to do, but I ordered another book to help me ... "Courage to Change". I misplaced my 12-step Workbook in the move, but I'm hoping it will show up soon. I want to work the steps. 

As far as appreciating your feedback, I try to look at all opportunities to see myself with appreciation. I want to be the best version of myself I can be. I would love and prefer if you could address these challenges from a state of acceptance and grace, but this is not the reality at this time. Overall, I try to live in gratitude and know that the whole world is conspiring to help me grow and heal.  

I started to ask him how he had "tried to talk to me"... he called on Sunday and didn't leave a message. He called on Monday and didn't leave a message. He also sent me a Telegram/text on Monday to see if I needed space or was ghosting him, to which I responded with the message I shared in a previous post. Doesn't seem like he tried very hard. But I bet he was trying inside of himself. 

He just doesn't see how dysfunctional he is. None of us do. And I feel a part of that message ... the "I don't hate you, you're 99% great" part is him trying to build me up because on some level he knows that he's messed up. He isn't taking responsibility and maybe he won't ever, but I need to focus on my recovery. 

He wrote again this morning offering to do work on my house, which I am grateful for.

Yep, I want to return to "coherence". My doggies and home and trees and GOD are helping me do just that!! 

6M's:
Micromanaging 
Manipulating 
Mothering
Martyring 
Meddling

- and one more. I got this from an Al-Anon meeting... it was a good one. I may have found someone to either sponsor or guide me. She shared briefly and had lovely energy and wisdom and I plan to call her when I get out of work.

_____

What a rollercoaster. I came home from work early and Ryan was there and had been working on lights for me. He worked for the next 6 hours (it's almost 9pm now) and he got them up and working on the barn... they are incredible and I'm so happy! He was mostly cold to me much of the time but I kept trying to warm him up. 

In the end he just went crazy again....he is convinced in his mind that I'm a pathological liar and he can't deal with that. There's nothing I can do. I need to wear my Villian Crown and allow him to think that way of me and what if it's true? IT IS true on some layers... but I'm not evil or conniving... I am just a coward and don't want to upset people. That doesn't make it any better. 

So, I have to let him go. Again and again. 

___

Here's what I wrote:

Hey Ryan! Here was the response that I started writing to you this morning but didn’t want to upset you more so I didn’t send it. I feel that less words are better with you. If you could just feel your heart, you would know that I am FOR you and that I believe our union can help us both be better. 

That said, I hear you loud and clear, you aren’t interested in me anymore and it won’t work. I accept that and will move on. 

Before I go I would like to say:

I am sorry I hurt you. It was not my intention, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that I did. I compromised your safety because you were letting someone in who didn’t own what they said/did. I can see how that would feel bad and diminish your trust in me and the relationship. 

For the record, I am NOT a “pathological" liar. Unfortunately I have learned through our interactions that I DO lie. (i.e. saying that I didn’t say something and then saying I did and then saying I didn’t…etc.) I go into a state of confusion and back-peddle to keep the peace when I feel that I have upset you. I try to justify and find an excuse that will calm you down. I struggle with co-dependency, so when you are upset, I feel it and try to mitigate it. 

I’m sorry if that feels like I’m not taking ownership of my dysfunction. I promise I am. First I had to learn about it, and now I have to identify and stop it in its tracks. That’s part of the function of a relationship… to have a safe space to grow…and mess up… and heal and grow some more. I was willing to do that with you - I have been forgiving (to a fault) of absolutely unacceptable behavior and language from you, but I felt like I knew your heart and saw such potential in you and for us. I thought that if I could hold the line and just love you enough, that you would see and choose a better Way with me. 

I am not going to hold back or back-peddle now when I say that you DO have work to do…IF/when you choose to be honest with YOURSELF. You have so much anger and ego and it sure seems like you are punishing yourself and not allowing yourself to live or find genuine happiness. Vices only go so far.  You, beautiful Ryan O’Malley, have the emotional, mental, and spiritual capacity to see and feel deeply ….to enjoy rewarding and powerful experiences... but you won’t let yourself… you’d rather choose the safe road (which keeps you trapped in the tiny world/cell you create over and over for yourself). 

Today I attended my fourth Al-Anon meeting. I feel like this is helping me see and address my shortcomings, of which there are many. Primarily right now I am giving myself away to appease you because I want you... and peace. I may have become addicted to the drama/excitement as well. I need to learn how to create safe boundaries and detach with love. I don't actually know all I need to do, but I ordered another book to help me ... "Courage to Change". I misplaced my 12-step Workbook in the move, but I'm hoping it will show up soon. I want to work the steps. 

As far as appreciating your feedback, I DO. I am grateful for the opportunities to see myself in truth and I want to be the best version of myself I can be. I would love and prefer if you could address these challenges from a state of acceptance and grace, but this is not the reality at this time. Overall, I try to live in gratitude and know that the whole world is conspiring to help me grow and heal.  

I’m sorry I didn’t call you back the other day. I wanted to, but I also wanted to “detach with love”. Most of my days have been spent journaling and processing. You are the most important person to me and I didn’t want to lose you for good. Tonight I heard you loud and clear and I will let go. 

Thank you for sharing yourself with me these last 6 months. For better or for worse. I learned a ton and loved harder than I ever have before. I tried harder and learned more than ever too… it was an important experience and I will always be grateful to you for it. God bless you beloved Ryan. 

Ps. Thank you again for your work on my home. The lights tonight were a Godsend! (A Ryan-send!) 

As you know, I was hoping to share this home with you and it feels like my hopes and expectations ultimately pushed you away. It seems this was the major marker in our falling apart… I think the fact that we no longer got to sleep together and be close also damaged us. Tonight I was trying to reconcile that... to see if closeness could heal us. It didn’t work and maybe made things worse as well. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for hurting you, Ryan. I only want to help you… but that’s part of my dysfunction too, to try to “save” people…and I see your suffering (even though it sounds like you don’t)…but that’s not my job. Another thing I need to work on in Al-Anon. 

Pss. I am guessing that we are not going to be able to be friends either. I wish we could but the vitriol is pouring through your pores at me. We talked about how you said when we first met “you can do no wrong”…but now EVERYTHING I do is wrong… everything triggers you. I would still, very much, like to hire you to do work here (if you’d like/are available) and will honor your desire for me to stay away/on a different part of the property while you are working. There is no one I’d rather hire… you are the best and do the best job. I would not like to lose that (or you in that capacity), if I have a choice. (I hear that I don’t have a choice and am letting go of the hope of reconciliation or a future romantic relationship…. but please let me know what I can expect as far as a professional relationship.)  Thank you.

Psss. I love you. I always will. Go in peace, Beloved.

Sickness

Obviously I have a sickness... ha! Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" just came on. This was my "MySpace" theme music, whooo. I really like it, lol. Anyway... it goes along with what I want to think about... which is WHY if I say (and believe) that I love/want Ryan, am I messing around with that Connect App? 

There was something else I manifested and recongized today....what was it? OH! Yesterday I journaled or thought about whether I was "spiritual bypassing" and today I found a Kelly Brogan post about it from May that educated me and showed me that I was/am definitely doing that!!

New song "Light Up the Sky" by the Afters... definitely feeling like God is doing that. The signs are everywhere. That's what I was praying for for Ryan. Can I please pay attention too??

Anyway... the truth is that I don't have a lot of hope for Ryan. And I think my continual pursuit of him is a bit of spiritual bypassing... I want to be good and I don't want to give up on him.... but I have, honestly, lost lots of interest. He isn't who I thought he was. I want a strong man who will take care of/guide and look after me, that I can love and serve. "Insomnia" song... makes me think of Ryan all the time. I DO miss missing him. I miss sleeping together... but he wouldn't give of himself to sleep at my house or in my bed. That's what it all comes down to. He doesn't want to change... he wants to keep his small life. I don't want that. He is lazy about his own house... it's a mess and small and he didn't even get us a small couch to sit on together... he is all talk. (This is me too... I am being given the opportunity to change that.)

He abandons me. He uses me. He doesn't love me because he doesn't love himself. I am looking for a relationship to find meaning in...and I need to find meaning in myself. I need to love and be okay with just ME. 

But I like friends and distractions and that's okay too. So can I simultaneously date and work on myself? Absolutely! Can I date Ryan and work on myself? Absolutely! It's in ME... I just glommed on to "my soulmate", "I want to be with him forever!!"... it's to much pressure (for both of us). 

I need to reel it in... and "detach with love"... I need to save that undying commitment, service, and love for ME. 

We both have unhealthy habits ... and I think he's got a porn problem... he's been programmed with that... and there is a lot of mental shrapnel that comes through that stuff. Not to mention his lack of wanting to eat and live (and breathe) health. He wants to sleep his life and days away... not motivated... it's a heavy load of miasma...but he will work through it... just maybe not in this life and not with me. So I need to move forward. I want someone alive, fun, and most importantly, that LIKES me...and is interested in sharing thoughts, conversation, and life. He likes that I did things for him... but I liked what I found that first day on our walk at Falls Lake. He said he liked to hike... why don't we do that? I have so many animals to walk...why don't we walk and live and laugh and love??

He probably WANTS to want to do it... but the dang miasma... it's a black sludge that is trapping him. 

Focus on ME. What is my sludge? Addiction to Ryan. Spiritual bypassing. Who am I? A free-spirit who is connected to God-spirit who is teaching me... so much to explore. Right. I'm a consciousness explorer... and I AM...so great. I love me and I love my life and I need to just sit with the lonliness which comes from inside me. Feel it all. Be with what is. Thank you God.

It also feels bad being rejected. Ryan's non-acceptance of me and my spirituality and/or all the stuff that turns him off. He twists it and makes it like it defines me. Like somehow it came up about that conspiracy theory about Hilary Clinton wearing a child's face and I told him I might believe it... I might. I have no idea.Those documentaries were eye-opening... there is so much that could possibly go on...but I don't KNOW or define myself by it. It's not me or something I even really care about, but just something I consider. Anyway, the fact that HE defines me by it and PINS it to me feels bad. 

We should just be friends. But my body and soul love him. 
Did I tell you that I've been dizzy a lot lately. And spleen pain. And bottom center tooth pain. 

My AG pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Coherent_Systems

"Each functioning part of a system has a behavior and interrelationship to other parts of that system. How well a part functions, will have an impact on other functioning parts in that system. So clearly, if one part is not functioning well, it will impair other parts of that system from functioning well. When there is a breakdown in that subsystem, this effectively means that there is a lack of coherence present in the overall system of energy. If the Coherence is unable to be restored back into Energetic Balance to correspond with the larger whole, that source of the lack of coherence will be extracted or removed in order to restore harmonious functioning to the entire system. If that source of disharmony spreading lack of coherence is not extracted or corrected, the system may suffer collapse."

Whoa... suuuper relevant to Ryan situation.

"Coherence is the main principle used to describe the synchronistic harmonizing of energetic properties that occur naturally within any living system, to support the integration of that grouping of energy. The properties of coherence are the result of Universal Laws, which apply to all systems of living things. In human systems this impacts all of the functioning parts, thus impacting the functions of the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual layers. Therefore, if we truly follow the practices of the Universal Laws, practicing the guidelines of the Law of One, the eventual result of that practice will be energetic Coherence. If we lose coherence within one of the four body system levels, it will affect all other links in the interconnected chain, and this will be experienced as a lack of coherence, which generates an energetic drain or blockage in the system. A system is coherent when each of its working components is beneficial, which is supporting the growth or function of the entire system. A system lacks coherence when one or more of its working components has a detrimental effect, which blocks the growth or function of the entire system."

Yeah... we and ME...are out of coherence... have lost coherence. His demons (and mine) are doing this on purpose.

Feel more into "spiritual bypassing", and "coherence" and "al-anon".... these will help me heal.

____

Yep, super addicted and obsessed with Ryan. Today I've checked my phone probably 10 times to see if he checked his messages and/or wrote to me.

___ 

8:29 - it is a sickness that I am sitting here hoping Ryan will come around. He's not going to come to his senses anytime soon. I trigger the HECK out of him. Everything I do and say triggers him. I am not good for him right now. And unless he gets himself together, I never will be. Maybe I never will be anyway. My presence draws him UP... to be better and stronger. His does to me too, but I am choosing to do the work. I want to grow and heal. Thank you God for this opportunity. 

I texted him tonight and shouldn't have. Burchie died today and I had to bury him by myself which was really hard... but I was strong, thanks be to God. But it was sad. And there is a hurricane coming tomorrow and Sioux needs hay and so I asked for his help...but I shouldn't have. I'll recount those texts another time. Right now I'm going to watch TV and eat wings. 

Okay, I said at 18:28:
"I just had to bury Burchie. 🐓💔😭  Would you be willing to help me roll Sioux's round bale to her?"

at 19:42 I said "I'm sorry I asked. I miss you."

Then "I'm sorry I asked because I don't want you to think I just like you for your muscles. I DO like them, ha, but that's not all. I didn't want to put any inkling of "ask" on you...physically or emotionally...but I did in just those two little sentences. (Burchie = emotional ask, Sioux = physical ask)... that's what I'm sorry about. I also put an energetic - something - cord maybe? - on you by sharing that I miss you. So... yeah, I'm a mess. I'm sorry. I hope you are well. I sent you some information about yourself in Telegrm in case that is interesting to you. You are a really special and beautiful man. Stay safe!"

29/9:29 "Part Problem" - Nahko. Perfect.
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=rwtpMtYZnk4&si=3rdxAKQ3poiHVHoF

I just went back and looked at Ryan's and my old Telegram messages.... he used to be SO SWEET. So thoughtful and kind. It was ...he was... better when he was getting laid and when we were sleeping together. When I got this house and we started sleeping separately it really started to get bad. I think he must have felt the pull/responsibility to have to give/sleep with me here... and he didn't want to do that. If he doesn't want to grow, there's nothing I can do. And I can't stay small just to keep him, especially someone as abusive as him. 

Nahko's "Enough" came on too. Also very on point. 

I miss what we had, but I maybe just need to be grateful for what was and thank God and learn from it and then BE HERE NOW. Be where I AM and where WE ARE, which is in a place of division. God bless Ryan. God, please open his heart and show him the Way. 

And please give me strength and clarity to take care of myself and do the right thing... work hard, take care of my responsibilities, love on my animals and follow my heart. What I have going on with Ryan, this obsession, almost, is not healthy. God, I surrender. I release him. May it be so. 

(I didn't do it. I am still clinging and hoping.)

___

29/10:10
I have to let HIM pursue ME... to be the man... IF he WANTS to. I'm too wilful and controlling. Just wait.

Enough

There IS something wrong with me that I need to entertain myself with the possibility of other boys (Pattern dating app).

Ryan called me, which is super nice. No message, but he texted me “do you need space or something?” “Or just ghosting me? [Laugh face]”

And the answer is yes, I probably need space, but I don’t want it. I just want him to be back to himself - kind and loving and fun…. But if he’s not, yes, I need a lot of space. And I am not “ghosting” him, I am thinking of him all day every day, longing for him, wishing for him (wished for his love and healing on a chicken wishbone today)…. But I need to take care of myself and be the amazing person I am…. I can’t give myself away to him. And he wants to feed on me…(not him, his demons)…he wants to mine me for things to piss him off… to make him feel alive. And I have become addicted to the drama of it too… I need to get back to just being comfortable with silence, meditation, quietness. 

Ryan is not interested in his own healing and recovery…. And I am interested in mine. I can love him but must detach with love too. God, show me the Way. 

I’m not ghosting you, I’m praying for peace. And trying to learn to “detach with love”. 

YOU WANTED TO PUSH ME AWAY!! YOU DID! YOU WIN!!!

(That is my emotional self. I don’t need to act that out.)

This song came on for me (I was asking for guidance):

"ENOUGH"

My lover was psychopath

I would know, I was just like that

Shit got ugly, yeah it got real bad

Never failed, always came right back

So thank you for the lessons

Fuck you for all the abuse

I will birth new life from darkness

Like I always do

Cause I was fucking made for this

Now watch me get paid for it

Take it from me!

When I lost everything, I realised nothing happens to me

It's all happening for me!

With every stone they cast, I'll build something that lasts

My God, I don't regret my past does not define what's next for me!

And I am enough. Just as I am.

Enough, enough, enough, enough

Enough, enough, enough, enough

I am enough, yes, I am!

Here we are in the aftermath

Dying to live is the only path

I could teach a fucking master class

Shit so heavy you just have to laugh

So thank you for the lessons

Fuck you for all the abuse

I will birth new life from darkness

Like I always do

Cause I was fucking made for this

Now watch me get paid for it

The one thing that remains

My willingness to change

This is the way

Take it from me! When I lost everything, I realised nothing happens to me

It's all happening for me!

With every stone they cast, I'll build something that lasts

My God, I don't regret my past does not define what's next for me!

And I am enough. Just as I am.

Enough, enough, enough, enough

Enough, enough, enough, enough

I am enough, yes, I am!

Thank you God.

Did I tell you that I went to another Alanon meeting today. A phone one today. I think that really does help. Day two. 

I think the "Higher Power" is a pretty good way to think about God.... our Godself... connecting and listening to our Higher Power... our Source.

I don't know what to do. 

I didn't send this:
"I'm not ghosting you. It feels that way because I'm not chasing you? Because you called last night but didn't leave a message or ask me to call you back. I'm sorry that I imposed myself upon you all those times... I was trying to be heroic and shower you with unconditional love. It was arrogant. And it wasn't respectful. I thought I knew better than you... and that I could love you enough that you would love yourself and ultimately me. I am trying to learn to take care of myself ...and praying for peace for both of us. I love you. "

What should I say?

"I'm not ghosting you. I am trying to learn to take care of myself ...and praying for peace for both of us. I love you, beloved Ryan, my soul's companion, I cherish and honor all that you are. I recognize and adore you and see how brave you are, and how much you have taken on, and how much you are carrying. You are stronger than anyone can imagine... you have taken a very heavy and challenging assignment on in this life, but you agreed to take this on because your Godself is powerful and knew that you could overcome and heal this mess (which impacts not only you, but also your ancestors, and all of  humanity). And I don't know... maybe this isn't the station of identity and lifestream that you overcome with/in....but I sure hope it is and I am here to walk beside you if/when you do make that choice. Only you can do the work, but I can love you on the road. I am in the "overcoming"/"collapsing timelines" part of my incarnation and hoped that I had found my genetic equal in you... someone to cling to as we both worked together to ascend in consciousness and release density. 

Regardless of whether this resonates with you are not, I still invite you to lay your burden down. God is with you....your Higher Power speaks through your own heart when you quiet yourself enough to hear. And the number one thing this Higher Power is saying is "I love you." 

You are so loved, Ryan. By God. By me. And I pray that you will find the love for yourself... and that you will choose yourself... you are so important. You are so beautiful! Not because of anything you do, but because of who you ARE. You are a part of all that is, you are a God-spark, you are love itself. You just forgot, and I pray for you to have clarity to see all the signs the Universe is sending you to remind you. 

Okay, I'll send that.

28/9:28
Welllll, now I'm emotional eating... spoonfuls of almond butter, chocolate tahini, and now jalepeno potato chips! I ate blueberries too! 

I waffle between indignant... "enough", and "love him so much". Which is "spiritual bypassing"? Either way, I want to have been KIND and GOOD in his life and to him. Even if he doesn't choose this path of being with me. He has to choose the path of being with HIM. I wish he'd do AA or Alanon too. This Alanon is goooood. So far. 

I've got to go to bed. 

Bird's Teardrops

I just had a good cry/release when the song "Birds Teardrops" came on... I feel my sweet RueBird with me or think of her and it comforts me... I miss her. Moses and I had a big cry. Rue's passing was a marker where great change started in my life. 

It's raining now. Started when I was mowing the lawn. I peeled off my clothes and spent some time outside naked in the rain with God and the trees. I'm grateful for my own space where I can talk and cry out loud and be naked and not disturb anyone. I can wail in my house unabashedly. 

Feeling like wailing. 

Woke up feeling stronger like I am ready to let Ryan go. He did not bring good into my life, other than purpose and the dream of a joyful relationship. But in truth, he didn't suggest fun things for us to do, he didn't compliment me, he looked for all the bad in me all the time, instead of the good. He just took from me. He wanted to hurt me ... or didn't care if he hurt me... in the bedroom. He liked it when I did nice things for him - cooking, cleaning, sex, compliments, etc. But from the beginning, he only wanted to do what he wanted to do... maybe smoke and talk or watch basketball, jeopardy, or family guy. There wasn't room for him to give to me... to give to me in the bedroom (unless it was part of his own dream/pleasure), to give to me with the TV. NOW...let me not be unappreciative, because he DID give to me in lots of ways....i.e. the fence. He worked on that for almost two weeks. And he was a rock star! But it was filled with strings (anal and deep throat) and needed lots of pats on the back. I was already buying and cooking his meals, making his lunch and coffee, and in general trying to be a good girlfriend. But he fixed my screen door so it didn't open when pushed and it took him a few minutes and for days he was asking for pats on the back, which I happily gave him. I gushed and gave it to him so much that first day too. I definitely tried to show appreciation... I DID GENUINELY appreciate him! I do. That skillset is what attracted me to him in the first place.... along with his incredible eyes. I see his soul... and his torture... in his eyes. I really do love him so much. His soul... his essence. But he is in bad shape... a slave to his demons... and I wanted to save him... to love him so much that he healed himself. But I guess it doesn't work like that. 

Today I thought about writing him a love "Johari Window" message. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johari_window) ... oooh, and after reading about it now, I think that we have it wrong... it should be an edifying exercise. I was thinking about telling him all the things he didn't know about himself. But I think I must have mentioned it and if not he already knows. I would tell him that he has unresolved issues, that his ego is taking him on a ride and that by focusing on the bad in others and trying to make them feel bad is a trick the ego uses to bolster itself. 

He has very low self-esteem which he overrides (possibly even subconsciously) by seeing himself through an overinflated lens. Please note, I can identify these things because I have and/or am still dealing with them myself. Jim said it again yesterday and I love this analogy... but when you point your finger at someone, there are THREE pointing back at you. That means it is 3x as bad with YOU. 

I need to find my own strength. 

Aw, a nice message from my Mom just popped through:

From: "Bobbie Wages" <bwwages@gmail.com>

Subject: Idea?

Date: August 27, 2023 at 9:41:04 AM EDT

To: "Carissa Wages" <crwages@gmail.com>

Hi

 

Why don’t youc all that guy that did the inspection for the bank thing.. that came out so quickly?  He said he knew a bunch of people.  Maybe he can suggest someone to help with the water room or the floors 😊

 

You can do anything you want.  You are a talented lady and you don’t need anyone else!  Enjoy your doggies and your horse and your chickens and when the time is right , the right person will be there.  You can’t MAKE relationships happen.  When it is right, it will happen.  Patience!

 

In the meantime.. keep your head up and keep smiling and just keep doing a little at a time.  You have a wonderful new nest – embrace it and enjoy it.  If it takes a bit of time to get it finished, that is OK!

 

I love you!

 

X9

I told her: "Thank you for your loving message and sage advice. You’re right."  

______

Thank you God. 

I am so supported. I have all that I need inside of me.

______

My dear friends, the O'Malleys, called and encouraged me for almost a half hour. 
And Dr. Wilson's blog is on point too. DW feels to be soul family - working through a lot of the same topics. Same with Lisa Renee. Her latest newsletter talked about the Sophianic Eye or something ... super on point... been feeling work related to the eye. 

Here's some of Dr. Wilson's notes:

LOVE UPDATE

8/25/23. Remember to love. First love yourself at all times. Only a person who loves himself or herself can truly love others. Love yourself even when you are ill, depressed, angry, or upset. This is a challenge, but most important.

Always love yourself. If you are upset, love yourself for being able to be SO upset. It all comes from YOUR POWER and your love.

Then say “I can choose again” and make a new choice not to be upset, but to turn everything over to the Father In Heaven or God or however you phrase it. It is a method and it works to slowly recondition the mind away from anxiety, upset and toward love and peace.

Do the pulling down procedure! It helps because it is the anti-UPset, the anti-UPtight, and the anti-mixed UP. It alone works, and it will slowly carry you to much greater things. I assure you of that.

Pull down is difficult at first because your energy is chaotic, too much UP, and very stuck or moving too slowly. As you do it more, it becomes easier and easier until it is a breeze.

Doing a coffee enema at the same time helps because the coffee in an enema is a big DOWN. Putting it in the rectum also moves your attention DOWNWARD toward your feet, which is the correct direction of subtle energy flow.

NEW DOG VISUALIZATION WHEN DOING PULL DOWN (very good!)

8/25/23. You are lying down and two powerful dogs are at your feet, trying to drag you out of bed by your feet. They are hungry and need you to feed them.

They are pulling on your feet as hard as they can, one on each foot – and they pull hard. The dogs are older and have lost their teeth, so their bite doesn't hurt. It is just slimy and it tickles your feet. They just keep pulling hard on your feet, trying to drag out of bed by your feet. (Let me know if you like this visualization.)

EGO DEATH

8/24/23. An unusual type of retracing that may occur during the development program is a feeling that one is falling. It can feel as though one is sliding down a children's slide at a playground and one is out of control.

A feature of this purification reaction is that when one tries to stop the feeling by doing more therapy such as more coffee enemas, foot rubs or visiting a chiropractor, at first the feeling becomes worse or at least it does not go away immediately.

However, after a few hours to a day or so, the whole reaction passes.

Ego death. Our understanding is that this reaction is an ego death. This means that some part of the false self falls away. The ego is not your real self.

The problem is that one has identified with this aspect of self, often for many years. As a result, when it falls away you feel like you are dying. Actually, it is just the dropping away of a false part of yourself and you are fine – much better, in fact!

The only death. A teaching is that this sensation is the only “death” the souls will ever experience. I am told that death of the body does not kill the souls. They just move on to their next assignment.

However, the ego death I am describing is truly a loss of part of the self, albeit a false part that is excellent to get rid of. For more details read The Real Self or listen to the audio version of this book.

 

I love him. 
I love Lisa Renee.
I love all my soul family that God has brought forward. I cannot trade them for Ryan's love. He cannot love me because he doesn't love himself. 

Should I go to church? I think so. 

____

Yes I can relate. (Song gift = "relate")

I DID go to church and I did pray for all of us, especially Ryan and I. I sure love that guy. I can't imagine loving anyone else, but I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I can just love him from afar but I have to honor his choices. 

I keep wanting to remind him that he is loved...but this is enabling his poor behavior. I really do need to go to Alanon. Yep. Maybe I should look into an online meeting today.

And I should reach out to Edwidge. I really AM and HAVE been working with "Fear of Losing Love" and "Fear of Aggression" in this relationship. Wow. 

I've decided to wait a week before I hire anyone. I think God will guide me and I'm okay. 

 Today I mowed the farmer's yard and the dog's yard, talked to friends (Jim & Dee and Scott & Le'Anna), went to church (left after 45 min), went to the gym and worked out and got a massage, went to Lowes and picked up some stuff, journaled, showered, danced naked in the rain, had small training sessions with the doggles. Yesterday I re-arranged the back bedroom and a bunch of other stuff which I forgot. I am making jerky and a leg of lamb. Had burgers with Jim and Dee yesterday (and a slice of pear pie!), I'm working on Malai and journaling. I am toying with the Pattern Connect app.

I love my life and home and family! God will continue to teach and guide me. All is well.  

Awwww. "Sunshine" just came on! https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=Np_KlGsoTXc&si=YTEwwqpzfk0_MsHg

___

Talking with Jeff who is trying to kill himself with alcohol. He was so honest and vulnerable and shared that he is filled with hate. I'm going to go to this online Alanon meeting now. The two men I love (Ryan I love like a lover and partner, Jeff I love like a brother and friend) are both struggling with addiction. Jeff is actively drinking, Ryan is not. Both are FFFFFed up!

Le'Anna is coming around 5!

Tonight's Alanon theme that the speaker is talking about is "detaching with love". I somehow landed in an online meeting with people from the UK.... England, Scotland, Ireland.

Notes:

"Addicted to my partner”

“Courage to change” (get that book.. and my shampoo)

 

Advice:

Go to open AA meetings

Pray to “bless it or block it”

I have so much pride - I think I’m “good” and “spiritual”

I can feel abandoned or unloved but today I need to sit with it. It’s coming from ME, not from him.

"Detachment with love”

Focus on our own stuff, not another’s personal details…

Step away from it and keep the focus on myself

Don’t even think about trying to change anyone… put the focus on myself

Did they ask you for advice? No, then keep focus on myself

DETACHMENT WITH LOVE (this is such a perfect and timely topic. Thank you God.)

“Off the Richter scale codependent”

"I lost my serenity and I started to meddle”

DETACH

"One day at a time"

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

_____

Le'Anna is coming. Should we go to that concert? 

I don't think so. I think we should stay here.

And I really want to reach out to Ryan, but do I see? This is MY addiction. HE is my addiction. I am addicted to him. And his drama. I thought HE was addicted to drama, but it's ME. (three fingers pointed back at me). Ego? (three fingers pointed back at me). 

I need to keep the focus on myself. I am codependent, don't like being alone, trying to "save" others instead of putting the energy and effort into saving myself. Love myself. Care for myself. Be pretty and do nice things for ME. EnJOYYYYY ME and my life. And if God sees fit to send someone to enJOY with me, then that would be great, but I have to find happiness and peace inside of myself first.

That Alanon meeting was really helpful. 

____

I think I know better than everyone. I am a control freak, trying to "help" everyone... instead of letting them be them. I intertwine myself with them. I am co-dependant. I manipulate energy to wrap myself in someone else's life. 

___

27/7:52 (all those 7's...7/7:7) Yesterday there was 7/1/17 (mirror and 7's). Today so many numbers including 11:11, 12:13, 144, 12:34. Been seeing lots of 333 too I think.

Anyway, Le'Anna just left. Thank you, God, for my sweet friend - my best friend - through and through. She comforted and counseled me with love. She listened and held space and also reminded me who I AM... and I need to take good care of myself... as conscious as I am about Ryan's toxicity and all the layers associated with it (i.e. that it's not really him, that it's his unhealed trauma/unprocessed pain that make up his pain body and/or the holes in his lightbody that allow demonic shenanigans to use him as a dark portal. I don't believe he is at fault - I have compassion for him. The REAL Ryan is my divine beloved ... or maybe one of them... a genetic equal we can call it, I guess. But all the stuff that is covering him is ruling him and unless he decides to dig in and do the work to clear his ego and heal, he is not a suitable mate, and probably not even a suitable friend because he is not safe. He hurts me every chance he gets.

The way he talks to me and treats me is not right. I take all the blame because I am grateful for the opportunity to see my GUNK... I have a lot of healing to do myself still... but by doing that, I allow him to displace his responsibility soley on me and he will not even ever see it...or maybe he will. But I can't tell him anything and sometimes I want to. But he has to self-discover his areas of opportunity. And I want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be with me and where we can work on ourselves side-by-side. I definitely struggle with codependency and control. These are triggered by fear. I need to put my energy into taking care of ME. Loving myself. Back to mirror work and the gym and meditation and keep journaling. And living and loving and responding to all that God has for me.

I am blessed. So blessed. I can't throw it away to for the ego-game of hero-savior with the hopes that Ryan will come around and love me. He has to learn to love himself. 

And the real me isn't a mousy blame-taker. I'm vibrant and bold and a free-spirit who loves to look at consciousness layers/layers of truth. There is nothing to be ashamed of! Just because Ryan doesn't "get it" (yet?!), doesn't mean that I should give myself away, DENY MYSELF/God to try to keep his love. (Fear of losing love. Whoooo! God! Thank you!!)

___

Did I tell you that Ryan called when Le'Anna was here? My phone was in the other room but I heard it and ignored it because I was talking to Le'Anna. I, of course, hoped/daydreamed that it was Ryan calling, and I was surprised and grateful to see that it was him (when I saw 15 min later). He didn't leave a message or text or anything. Le'Anna initially said that maybe I could text back "what's up?" but eventually we settled on maybe I shouldn't ... because I know he can feel me. And he didn't leave a message and my heart is in knots. I need to learn to take care of myself. I also know how brave it was for him to call...it probably took him all day to work up to it. But I don't know how to be "short and sweet" like L suggests... I just want to give him all of me.

Le'Anna said she'd go to New York with me if Ryan doesn't. That's a relief and fun. I would rather go with him, of course, but he isn't trustworthy so I can't count on it, but at least now I can still go. (I was thinking of maybe flying if he bailed.)

Anyway... I need to sleep. I ate a croissant today which put me on a bender...kind of. I ate too many spoonfuls of almond butter (with maple syrup) and dark chocolate tahini. I had some lentils with my lamb and a piece of broccoli with Le'Anna... it was SO wonderful to spend time with her. 

Processing and Pain

I am definitely having a hard time. Lots of crying today. Lots to process. 

I did go talk to him, which was probably okay, but they are nails in the coffin and it hurts.

There is a lengthy voice journal to go with this. I also typed a little during my oil change. 

Just wanting to note the mind bender.
I asked my pendulum if it was in my best interest and in Ryan’s best interest to go see him and it said yes.

It was after 2pm and he hadn’t done anything- was working on a crossword puzzle. (Just remember this character trait. I was thinking earlier that iteb

____ got interrupted

He doesn’t do what he says he will do. He hasn’t taken care of my car. He hasn’t finished the work he said he’s so on my house. He must have layers of shame that he is pushing away by demonizing me.

He is a liar and maybe a thief. I thought I saw him steal a plumbing piece at Lowe’s. I was scared to call him out on it.

He was a jerk to his old employer- he is a jerk to most people. People like Mr. Gray and I were sent by God to love him unconditionally- which is hard because of his ego and pain body. Anyway, he is a liar and hopefully his calling me out on it will help him. I don’t know if he’s a gaslighter - it feels like it, but that might be me blame shifting because there is so much confusion.

He is abusive, angry, a dry drunk, controlling, and selfish. He doesn’t like to work but when he does, he does excellent work. He has a sensitive ego.

I am not better than him- I need to check MY ego. If I am going to “pray for him”, it needs to come from a pure heart, but right now I am feeling hurt and betrayed and abandoned and stupid and need to lick my own wounds.

God, please help us both.

I'm confused though... am I a horrible person? I feel like I am not, but maybe I am delusional. This is the mind-fuck that goes on here. I hate throwing around the narcissist label and all that, but there is definitely dysfunction here.... and it sounds like it is on both sides. 

So I need to love myself and like I said above, I need to lick my wounds. My M.O. is to stay busy and try to help all these other people instead of focusing on me...but I need to focus on me here. See what I've done. 

__

A key message given to me today by my soul was from Jesus.... "the truth shall set you free".

 Thank you God. And I need to just sit with this ...the pain, hurt, truth, dichotomy, everything.... I just need to BE with it for a while.... this is all part of my life stream. The heartbreak. The dashed hopes. But I have given myself away... I pretended to be "normal" so that Ryan would like me. I am not normal. I am a ...we are all... multidimensional beings exploring different consciousness layers...some are aware of it and some are not. I chose to close my awareness and try to be "normal" for a while ...but that's not who I AM or why I AM here... I AM here to explore these dynamics. 

God is with us. Just scheduled an HGS session with Terri for Friday at 11am. Thank you God. 

Thank you for helping me with my Spectrum bill. Thank you for these doggie friends. Thank you for my home which holds me. Thank you for letting me learn and clean my windows. Thank you for the oil change and the kind man at the parts store. Thank you for my clean sheets and clean kitchen and bathroom. Thank you for my jobs. Thank you for my family. Thank you for my friends. Thank you for blessing me abundantly. 

Please help Ryan. I love him... his soul.... the beloved under the uck. Please hold him and keep him and guide him and show him the Way. Please help me to learn and grow and heal so I don't do this to myself again. 

I AM THAT I AM.

____

Thank you God. I had dinner with Jim and Dee and DUMPED. They DO think I'm crazy (though they always say EVERYONE IS)...but they continued to tell me not to give my power away and they suggest staying on my own side of the road and let Ryan stay on his ..for a couple months... and then we can see where we are. But they agreed with my parents that I should be and can find someone kind who likes me and that's what I should hold out for. I need to love myself again.... and maybe Ryan will learn to love himself, but there's nothing I can do about that. I need to let him go. Dee has said from the beginning that this is like her first husband ...super abusive... and she identified how he isolated her and broke her down until she thought she was nothing. She went through it for 9 years. I should count myself lucky that it was only 6 months. Yeah. Poor Ryan. God, send him love. Help him to learn to love himself. I need to move on.

____

I'm done waiting on Ryan. 8/26 8:18

Goodbye Love. Goodbye love, goodbye love, goodbye.

AG pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Amoraea_Flame'

___

Kind message from Jim... and Dee texted me something similar:

Hey Carissa,

Loved having you tonight and you are all right. As much as you love someone you can not make them want to be better if they don't want to. I would implore you to google "untreated alcoholism" and see what you are dealing with. I love Ryan and would do anything for him but at some point, he has to want to help himself. He is the product or child of 2 alcoholic parents. Even know I have been sober since he was 3, I am still and always will be an alcoholic, as will be his mother. I did a lot of work on changing the drunk in the only way I know that works and that is through the 12 steps of recovery and I have helped countless people I have sponsored over the years go through the steps as well.  

I think you need to take care of yourself. Maybe try Allon if you really want to pursue this man. But you do have to ask yourself why do I keep picking these types of men?

Untreated Alcoholism

Take care of you. Dee and I are always here for you. Educate yourself. Love yourself. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you God.
My parents called and told me to buck up and that I can do anything and if not, I can learn, I can look it up...even electrical work! So I just need to find my mojo!! 

I did put myself on the Pattern dating part of the app ....first time I've done anything like that in 14 years, I guess. I wanted to have the experience, and it might be fun to talk to people, but I need to wait on God to provide my next partner... and I need to be careful. This is one of the things the Pattern app said about me...definitely reminds me of Ryan... 

But I am feeling supported. 
And I pray Ryan will too. But I have to let him go. 

I started to respond to Jim and this is what I said:

Thank you so much for this kind note and for all you guys’ (guyses - ha!) support! I have a lot of inner work to do and appreciate your wisdom and thought provoking questions. I will check out that webpage.

Thank you for loving and being a rock for believed Ryan as well. It might finally be sinking in through my thick skull that I have to let him go (unless something changes….which I can and do hope for…but it’s not likely to happen quickly, so I need to find my own courage and strength and put on my big girl pants and take care of myself and stop hoping for my big strong man to save me. And let go of the egotistical idea that I can save him. (Saving each other sounds so romantic, doesn’t it? But I’m figuring out that we need to be solid as individuals first.)

You see? There is so much "hero/savior" and "victim/victimizer" at play here. Playing out these archontic deception strategies. Thank you God for showing this to me. (I'm going to cut the email off at "big girl pants" but wanted to show it to me...what came out. 

Okay, this is what I wrote back:

Thank you so much for this kind note and for all you guys’ (guyses - ha!) support! I have a lot of inner work to do and appreciate your wisdom and thought provoking questions. I will check out that webpage. 

Thank you for loving and being a rock for (beloved) Ryan as well. It might finally be sinking in through my thick skull that I have to let him go ...unless something changes….which I can and do hope for…but it’s not likely to happen quickly... so I need to put on my big girl pants and find my own courage and strength.

I’m so grateful for yours and Dee’s friendship and love. God bless you both, and your whole family (people and animals alike)! MUAH! Sweet dreams!

💗

I'm apparently just documenting everything... talking to myself.
Did I tell you that I've been dizzy a lot lately. New energies coming in I think.

Dee wrote in her text:

"Hey! I just want to point out that if your crying and questioning your sanity and character....you have to realize that you're NOT the crazy one! Somebody else is. hmmm.... who might that be? Open yourself up to a Real man...not a man child."

I wrote back:

"Thank you for all your support and understanding. I need to find my own strength, and yes, be open to whatever God has for me. I can hope that Ryan will come around, but I need to respect his sovereignty and honor whatever path his soul chooses. If that's not me, I need to respect that and stop trying to force it. thank you again for being such a good friend. I love and appreciate you Dee."

Do I feel vindicated? Was this about getting people on "my side"? On some level I want that... I want support. I want people who honestly know and love Ryan and I to let me off the hook... to provide the clarity that I am lacking... I am genuinely getting twisted up. But my soul and spirit know the truth... and that is that I love Ryan... on a soul level...but Ryan has been hijacked by his unprocessed trauma (pain body) which fuels his addiction matrix (and I think porn might be his main addiction outlet right now)... but he has given himself over to that demon. He isn't fighting for us and isn't choosing love. I think he MUST sometimes. He goes against what the mean (Hyde) is saying to give me a hug and I can feel him under there... but ultimately he is a dark portal.

And I gave myself away. I denied my spirituality and interest in spirituality and consciousness so that I could be a normie like he wants to see himself as. He also has access to higher consciousness and could really align with his soul's work here and get some serious stuff done... but... he would have to choose that and I have no idea what he'll choose. I need to be with someone who is already doing the work and that wants to team up and magnify our love.

Thank you God for helping me with all of this. The pain ebbs and flows. So much crying, but I think that's because I'm finally letting go. 

Ryan said "get the fuck out"... he says it all the time. He's saying get he fuck out of his life...and I need to get the fuck back to my life. And living in fear of making him mad isn't the Way. 

I can and will talk to my friends who are his family if I feel moved to do so. I am sovereign. I didn't misrepresent him and I expressed to them how much I love him and how special I think he is. I do see how he wouldn't like it. I don't like him talking to my friends about me, but he can do what he wants to... and this is what we are doing here...relationships, learning, etc. I feel bad about it but I also really needed a friend....and they are my friends. I have to prioritize myself too. 

The Pattern App says that Ryan's and my future is aligned... so I have hope that maybe something will work out in the future if it's God's plan. If not, it was so beautiful for a moment and provided the opportunity for so much growth... and he was with me for Rue's trek over the rainbow bridge and the bringing in to our fold sweet Sunshine. 

God bless Ryan. I love him and I leave him to you. I forgive him and rest him on a cloud of divine love and prayer. Take good care of my beloved.