Psycho Bitch

Ryan calls me awful names... he yells at me with vitriol almost every day. He is not well. I can't remember what triggered him yesterday ...but today he went off because... well... I think a part of him feels shameful for going off on these anger fits, but HE thinks he's mad at me because I interrupted his story to point to the trash dump as we were driving by to see if they were open (because I had put all my trash in my car). I did NOT stop his story... I just asked him if they were open, thinking that we could swing by (and we had talked about it and maybe he was distracted with his story and forgot)...but immediately asked him to continue his story after I mentioned that. I was NOT interrupting for good... I care what he has to share... but he then started to (and admitted to) punishing me and not continuing. He was also driving dangerously and irresponsibly through the dump parking lot. (He also just peeled out of my driveway. Not okay.) He was driving my car at the dump. The guy came out and Ryan put on airs and the guy still said "drive safely" but didn't want to offend Ryan since he was being nice...it was fascinating to watch. Ryan is so fake.

He kept saying no one will put up with me and I'm so awful...blah blah. Everything he says seems to be about him. It's wild. He was off-center. I was definitely maintaining neutrality and trying to be loving and to hear him and meet him where he was at. He asked for an apology and I gave it to him. I tried to give him everything he wanted (EXCEPT my loosh... he could not ruffle my feathers with his false accusations. My heart is good and I did not do anything wrong. He has to make up things that I do wrong all the time... or maybe it IS wrong to some people. Apparently he was irritated by my trying to offer him chinese food when we were eating together yesterday.... and he got mad about something the day before ....oh, I reminded him about mayo for his sandwich.... that was controlling. Mind my business. Stay in my lane. 

Anyway... I don't want to be abused... I'm not letting myself. I see his madness and the games he is playing and then he turns them around on me. I think he just accused me of gaslighting, but oh no...that is what he is doing, I guess. I don't know what to call what he is doing. Creating drama, playing victim/victimizer (both!), so angry, he may be addicted to drama... making him feel alive. But I don't have time for it. 

His heart is good. He comes over here and he came to help me with my hot water heater...so sweet...and started putting up my light, but abandoned that in his rage. Anyway, he's not well. I see that clearly.

I don't have time for a relationship. The right man will come into my life in God's time. For now I need to focus on finding my own strength and doing well taking care of my home and jobs and animals. That's all.

___

It's almost comical how crazy it is. 
HE is the one is always interrupting me... never lets me finish what I am saying...but I really don't mind. I like flowing conversation. It's so weird. He just doesn't want to be happy. He will need to make some radical changes, but for me... God is here and taking such good care of me! (Through Ryan even... even though he is so abusive, he does keep coming back and taking care of me... he fixed my hot water heater today and he's done so much!).... but my co-workers are beautiful believers...they prayed over the meal (and for me) this morning at the beautiful breakfat they had for me on my first day..so sweet...so kind... each person is so diverse and ...it brings tears to my eyes, the gift it is. 

playing now ("Patience" by Hollow Coves):

So I'll wait for fate to shine
On the home I seek to find
Through patience I see light
In all that's built with time

Feels right.

I'm doing my Malai work, cooking my meatloaf (finally), and hanging with Moses. God is good. I have my crystal friends with me. I need to bring some ... and some plants... in to decorate my office and make it mine. God, could I bring Moses?

I feel really grateful and in LOVE and in FLOW. Even my going to the pharmacy to get pepcid, ibuprofen and pain patches and the lady mentioned the chiropractor which spurred me to go (it was sitting on my consciousness...calling me... and I did and it helped. Seems like my ribs were out too... lots being pulled off and he even adjusted my atlas...something I wanted to have done for a long time... Puja recommended I go to someone else but this guy did it and I did feel the flow in my crown chakra. He blew smoke a little but was definitely God blessing me and helping to heal me. 

We had a beautiful black snake on our porch and I saw a black dragonfly when Marshall was showing me around the gardens today ... and an incredible green and blue one met me in Wilmington. I am held. Thank you God. 

____

Amazing friends and family! 

One thing I want to point out that I noticed is LOTS of mirror numbers today... 12:21 (at least 2x today), 14:41, 10:01 just now. Others too I think. Been seeing LOTS of 9:11 and the override 11:09... saw 12:34 today with Marshall (felt like we were working Krystos mission clearings together as we were talking about Master Gardner program. 

But feeling like I am in line with what my soul wants to work on. The stuff with Ryan is SUCH a mirror for me and I keep remembering how I used to do the same things he is doing.... it helps me have compassion and helps me clear my timelines, thanks be to God!