Enough

There IS something wrong with me that I need to entertain myself with the possibility of other boys (Pattern dating app).

Ryan called me, which is super nice. No message, but he texted me “do you need space or something?” “Or just ghosting me? [Laugh face]”

And the answer is yes, I probably need space, but I don’t want it. I just want him to be back to himself - kind and loving and fun…. But if he’s not, yes, I need a lot of space. And I am not “ghosting” him, I am thinking of him all day every day, longing for him, wishing for him (wished for his love and healing on a chicken wishbone today)…. But I need to take care of myself and be the amazing person I am…. I can’t give myself away to him. And he wants to feed on me…(not him, his demons)…he wants to mine me for things to piss him off… to make him feel alive. And I have become addicted to the drama of it too… I need to get back to just being comfortable with silence, meditation, quietness. 

Ryan is not interested in his own healing and recovery…. And I am interested in mine. I can love him but must detach with love too. God, show me the Way. 

I’m not ghosting you, I’m praying for peace. And trying to learn to “detach with love”. 

YOU WANTED TO PUSH ME AWAY!! YOU DID! YOU WIN!!!

(That is my emotional self. I don’t need to act that out.)

This song came on for me (I was asking for guidance):

"ENOUGH"

My lover was psychopath

I would know, I was just like that

Shit got ugly, yeah it got real bad

Never failed, always came right back

So thank you for the lessons

Fuck you for all the abuse

I will birth new life from darkness

Like I always do

Cause I was fucking made for this

Now watch me get paid for it

Take it from me!

When I lost everything, I realised nothing happens to me

It's all happening for me!

With every stone they cast, I'll build something that lasts

My God, I don't regret my past does not define what's next for me!

And I am enough. Just as I am.

Enough, enough, enough, enough

Enough, enough, enough, enough

I am enough, yes, I am!

Here we are in the aftermath

Dying to live is the only path

I could teach a fucking master class

Shit so heavy you just have to laugh

So thank you for the lessons

Fuck you for all the abuse

I will birth new life from darkness

Like I always do

Cause I was fucking made for this

Now watch me get paid for it

The one thing that remains

My willingness to change

This is the way

Take it from me! When I lost everything, I realised nothing happens to me

It's all happening for me!

With every stone they cast, I'll build something that lasts

My God, I don't regret my past does not define what's next for me!

And I am enough. Just as I am.

Enough, enough, enough, enough

Enough, enough, enough, enough

I am enough, yes, I am!

Thank you God.

Did I tell you that I went to another Alanon meeting today. A phone one today. I think that really does help. Day two. 

I think the "Higher Power" is a pretty good way to think about God.... our Godself... connecting and listening to our Higher Power... our Source.

I don't know what to do. 

I didn't send this:
"I'm not ghosting you. It feels that way because I'm not chasing you? Because you called last night but didn't leave a message or ask me to call you back. I'm sorry that I imposed myself upon you all those times... I was trying to be heroic and shower you with unconditional love. It was arrogant. And it wasn't respectful. I thought I knew better than you... and that I could love you enough that you would love yourself and ultimately me. I am trying to learn to take care of myself ...and praying for peace for both of us. I love you. "

What should I say?

"I'm not ghosting you. I am trying to learn to take care of myself ...and praying for peace for both of us. I love you, beloved Ryan, my soul's companion, I cherish and honor all that you are. I recognize and adore you and see how brave you are, and how much you have taken on, and how much you are carrying. You are stronger than anyone can imagine... you have taken a very heavy and challenging assignment on in this life, but you agreed to take this on because your Godself is powerful and knew that you could overcome and heal this mess (which impacts not only you, but also your ancestors, and all of  humanity). And I don't know... maybe this isn't the station of identity and lifestream that you overcome with/in....but I sure hope it is and I am here to walk beside you if/when you do make that choice. Only you can do the work, but I can love you on the road. I am in the "overcoming"/"collapsing timelines" part of my incarnation and hoped that I had found my genetic equal in you... someone to cling to as we both worked together to ascend in consciousness and release density. 

Regardless of whether this resonates with you are not, I still invite you to lay your burden down. God is with you....your Higher Power speaks through your own heart when you quiet yourself enough to hear. And the number one thing this Higher Power is saying is "I love you." 

You are so loved, Ryan. By God. By me. And I pray that you will find the love for yourself... and that you will choose yourself... you are so important. You are so beautiful! Not because of anything you do, but because of who you ARE. You are a part of all that is, you are a God-spark, you are love itself. You just forgot, and I pray for you to have clarity to see all the signs the Universe is sending you to remind you. 

Okay, I'll send that.

28/9:28
Welllll, now I'm emotional eating... spoonfuls of almond butter, chocolate tahini, and now jalepeno potato chips! I ate blueberries too! 

I waffle between indignant... "enough", and "love him so much". Which is "spiritual bypassing"? Either way, I want to have been KIND and GOOD in his life and to him. Even if he doesn't choose this path of being with me. He has to choose the path of being with HIM. I wish he'd do AA or Alanon too. This Alanon is goooood. So far. 

I've got to go to bed.