When I need him, he's not there

It's always when things are the toughest.... when I'm moving... when I'm starting a new job...when I'm having a panic attack... when I actually need him, he's not there. 

I start my new job tomorrow. I'm nervous. Instead of being with me and making life easy and cheering me on, he has a drama fit. We were just at his house and we started making love and it was exciting and good and we were moving over to my house and something switched in his head... maybe because I was taking my jewelry box from his house or maybe he genuinely couldn't understand me when I was explaining grounding cords... he blames me like I'm an idiot, but it's a lack of clarity on his part. He said he won't use telepathy...but that's a big part of how humans communicate. He won't try. He called me retarded... I said that wasn't nice. He calls me names. He had a completely different personality, his eyes got lidded and he droned on and started picking on me. His voice turns to that sarcastic thing.... 

Multiple personalities. I forgot. Alters. He's broken and traumatized and when he's well I forget that he's NOT (well) most of the time. He's delusional and ridicules me and stands on his ego with everyone. He has terribly low self-esteem so he tries to hide it with arrogance. 

I've got to go take care of the animals and get ready for tomorrow. 

And do my Malai work tonight for tomorrow.

Yeah. I don't see a lot of time in my life for his drama. Let him go. Maybe he'll figure himself out. But his blaming and shaming isn't going to work anymore. I am strong, smart, capable and have a beautiful heart. I love God and love people and am not going to be sucked dry by his pain body. God bless and help him. I will send love but I need to let him be.  This song came to my mind:

Dicotomy by Nahko

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SakhUzaHgbM

"DICHOTOMY"

Get the fuck away from me

Cause I can still love you

When you're far away from me, dichotomy

That's how you know you really love somebody!

When you leave them as they are

That's what it's like when you love everybody

Dichotomy

Good at playing make believe, yeah

Tried to hit the exit clean

We'll call it a bad string of luck

Nothing was ever good enough, na

Oh, I

It was intimate, and I was into it

But, I was fooled by the illusion

Get the fuck away from me

Cause I can still love you

When you're far away from me, dichotomy

That's how you know you really love somebody!

When you leave them as they are

That's what it's like when you love everybody

Dichotomy

It's part of me

Dichotomy

Had a hard time letting go, yeah

I wasn't good at saying no

The truth is I'm full of opposites

Every part of me must exist, and I

It was intimate, I was into it

But I was fooled by the illusion

Get the fuck away from me

Cause I can still love you

When you're far away from me, dichotomy

That's how you know you really love somebody!

When you leave them as they are

That's what it's like when you love everybody

Dichotomy

It's part of me

Dichotomy

It's part of me

Dichotomy

It's part of me

Dichotomy

It's part of me

Dichotomy

That.