I just had a good cry/release when the song "Birds Teardrops" came on... I feel my sweet RueBird with me or think of her and it comforts me... I miss her. Moses and I had a big cry. Rue's passing was a marker where great change started in my life.
It's raining now. Started when I was mowing the lawn. I peeled off my clothes and spent some time outside naked in the rain with God and the trees. I'm grateful for my own space where I can talk and cry out loud and be naked and not disturb anyone. I can wail in my house unabashedly.
Feeling like wailing.
It's raining now. Started when I was mowing the lawn. I peeled off my clothes and spent some time outside naked in the rain with God and the trees. I'm grateful for my own space where I can talk and cry out loud and be naked and not disturb anyone. I can wail in my house unabashedly.
Feeling like wailing.
Woke up feeling stronger like I am ready to let Ryan go. He did not bring good into my life, other than purpose and the dream of a joyful relationship. But in truth, he didn't suggest fun things for us to do, he didn't compliment me, he looked for all the bad in me all the time, instead of the good. He just took from me. He wanted to hurt me ... or didn't care if he hurt me... in the bedroom. He liked it when I did nice things for him - cooking, cleaning, sex, compliments, etc. But from the beginning, he only wanted to do what he wanted to do... maybe smoke and talk or watch basketball, jeopardy, or family guy. There wasn't room for him to give to me... to give to me in the bedroom (unless it was part of his own dream/pleasure), to give to me with the TV. NOW...let me not be unappreciative, because he DID give to me in lots of ways....i.e. the fence. He worked on that for almost two weeks. And he was a rock star! But it was filled with strings (anal and deep throat) and needed lots of pats on the back. I was already buying and cooking his meals, making his lunch and coffee, and in general trying to be a good girlfriend. But he fixed my screen door so it didn't open when pushed and it took him a few minutes and for days he was asking for pats on the back, which I happily gave him. I gushed and gave it to him so much that first day too. I definitely tried to show appreciation... I DID GENUINELY appreciate him! I do. That skillset is what attracted me to him in the first place.... along with his incredible eyes. I see his soul... and his torture... in his eyes. I really do love him so much. His soul... his essence. But he is in bad shape... a slave to his demons... and I wanted to save him... to love him so much that he healed himself. But I guess it doesn't work like that.
Today I thought about writing him a love "Johari Window" message. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johari_window) ... oooh, and after reading about it now, I think that we have it wrong... it should be an edifying exercise. I was thinking about telling him all the things he didn't know about himself. But I think I must have mentioned it and if not he already knows. I would tell him that he has unresolved issues, that his ego is taking him on a ride and that by focusing on the bad in others and trying to make them feel bad is a trick the ego uses to bolster itself.
He has very low self-esteem which he overrides (possibly even subconsciously) by seeing himself through an overinflated lens. Please note, I can identify these things because I have and/or am still dealing with them myself. Jim said it again yesterday and I love this analogy... but when you point your finger at someone, there are THREE pointing back at you. That means it is 3x as bad with YOU.
Today I thought about writing him a love "Johari Window" message. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johari_window) ... oooh, and after reading about it now, I think that we have it wrong... it should be an edifying exercise. I was thinking about telling him all the things he didn't know about himself. But I think I must have mentioned it and if not he already knows. I would tell him that he has unresolved issues, that his ego is taking him on a ride and that by focusing on the bad in others and trying to make them feel bad is a trick the ego uses to bolster itself.
He has very low self-esteem which he overrides (possibly even subconsciously) by seeing himself through an overinflated lens. Please note, I can identify these things because I have and/or am still dealing with them myself. Jim said it again yesterday and I love this analogy... but when you point your finger at someone, there are THREE pointing back at you. That means it is 3x as bad with YOU.
I need to find my own strength.
Aw, a nice message from my Mom just popped through:
Aw, a nice message from my Mom just popped through:
From: "Bobbie Wages" <bwwages@gmail.com>Subject: Idea?Date: August 27, 2023 at 9:41:04 AM EDTTo: "Carissa Wages" <crwages@gmail.com>HiWhy don’t youc all that guy that did the inspection for the bank thing.. that came out so quickly? He said he knew a bunch of people. Maybe he can suggest someone to help with the water room or the floors 😊You can do anything you want. You are a talented lady and you don’t need anyone else! Enjoy your doggies and your horse and your chickens and when the time is right , the right person will be there. You can’t MAKE relationships happen. When it is right, it will happen. Patience!In the meantime.. keep your head up and keep smiling and just keep doing a little at a time. You have a wonderful new nest – embrace it and enjoy it. If it takes a bit of time to get it finished, that is OK!I love you!X9
I told her: "Thank you for your loving message and sage advice. You’re right."
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Thank you God.
I am so supported. I have all that I need inside of me.
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My dear friends, the O'Malleys, called and encouraged me for almost a half hour.
And Dr. Wilson's blog is on point too. DW feels to be soul family - working through a lot of the same topics. Same with Lisa Renee. Her latest newsletter talked about the Sophianic Eye or something ... super on point... been feeling work related to the eye.
Here's some of Dr. Wilson's notes:
LOVE UPDATE
8/25/23. Remember to love. First love yourself at all times. Only a person who loves himself or herself can truly love others. Love yourself even when you are ill, depressed, angry, or upset. This is a challenge, but most important.
Always love yourself. If you are upset, love yourself for being able to be SO upset. It all comes from YOUR POWER and your love.
Then say “I can choose again” and make a new choice not to be upset, but to turn everything over to the Father In Heaven or God or however you phrase it. It is a method and it works to slowly recondition the mind away from anxiety, upset and toward love and peace.
Do the pulling down procedure! It helps because it is the anti-UPset, the anti-UPtight, and the anti-mixed UP. It alone works, and it will slowly carry you to much greater things. I assure you of that.
Pull down is difficult at first because your energy is chaotic, too much UP, and very stuck or moving too slowly. As you do it more, it becomes easier and easier until it is a breeze.
Doing a coffee enema at the same time helps because the coffee in an enema is a big DOWN. Putting it in the rectum also moves your attention DOWNWARD toward your feet, which is the correct direction of subtle energy flow.
NEW DOG VISUALIZATION WHEN DOING PULL DOWN (very good!)
8/25/23. You are lying down and two powerful dogs are at your feet, trying to drag you out of bed by your feet. They are hungry and need you to feed them.
They are pulling on your feet as hard as they can, one on each foot – and they pull hard. The dogs are older and have lost their teeth, so their bite doesn't hurt. It is just slimy and it tickles your feet. They just keep pulling hard on your feet, trying to drag out of bed by your feet. (Let me know if you like this visualization.)
EGO DEATH
8/24/23. An unusual type of retracing that may occur during the development program is a feeling that one is falling. It can feel as though one is sliding down a children's slide at a playground and one is out of control.
A feature of this purification reaction is that when one tries to stop the feeling by doing more therapy such as more coffee enemas, foot rubs or visiting a chiropractor, at first the feeling becomes worse or at least it does not go away immediately.
However, after a few hours to a day or so, the whole reaction passes.
Ego death. Our understanding is that this reaction is an ego death. This means that some part of the false self falls away. The ego is not your real self.
The problem is that one has identified with this aspect of self, often for many years. As a result, when it falls away you feel like you are dying. Actually, it is just the dropping away of a false part of yourself and you are fine – much better, in fact!
The only death. A teaching is that this sensation is the only “death” the souls will ever experience. I am told that death of the body does not kill the souls. They just move on to their next assignment.
However, the ego death I am describing is truly a loss of part of the self, albeit a false part that is excellent to get rid of. For more details read The Real Self or listen to the audio version of this book.
I love him.
I love Lisa Renee.
I love all my soul family that God has brought forward. I cannot trade them for Ryan's love. He cannot love me because he doesn't love himself.
Should I go to church? I think so.
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Yes I can relate. (Song gift = "relate")
I DID go to church and I did pray for all of us, especially Ryan and I. I sure love that guy. I can't imagine loving anyone else, but I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I can just love him from afar but I have to honor his choices.
I keep wanting to remind him that he is loved...but this is enabling his poor behavior. I really do need to go to Alanon. Yep. Maybe I should look into an online meeting today.
And I should reach out to Edwidge. I really AM and HAVE been working with "Fear of Losing Love" and "Fear of Aggression" in this relationship. Wow.
I've decided to wait a week before I hire anyone. I think God will guide me and I'm okay.
Today I mowed the farmer's yard and the dog's yard, talked to friends (Jim & Dee and Scott & Le'Anna), went to church (left after 45 min), went to the gym and worked out and got a massage, went to Lowes and picked up some stuff, journaled, showered, danced naked in the rain, had small training sessions with the doggles. Yesterday I re-arranged the back bedroom and a bunch of other stuff which I forgot. I am making jerky and a leg of lamb. Had burgers with Jim and Dee yesterday (and a slice of pear pie!), I'm working on Malai and journaling. I am toying with the Pattern Connect app.
I love my life and home and family! God will continue to teach and guide me. All is well.
Awwww. "Sunshine" just came on! https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=Np_KlGsoTXc&si=YTEwwqpzfk0_MsHg
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Talking with Jeff who is trying to kill himself with alcohol. He was so honest and vulnerable and shared that he is filled with hate. I'm going to go to this online Alanon meeting now. The two men I love (Ryan I love like a lover and partner, Jeff I love like a brother and friend) are both struggling with addiction. Jeff is actively drinking, Ryan is not. Both are FFFFFed up!
Le'Anna is coming around 5!
Tonight's Alanon theme that the speaker is talking about is "detaching with love". I somehow landed in an online meeting with people from the UK.... England, Scotland, Ireland.
Notes:
"Addicted to my partner”
“Courage to change” (get that book.. and my shampoo)Advice:Go to open AA meetingsPray to “bless it or block it”I have so much pride - I think I’m “good” and “spiritual”I can feel abandoned or unloved but today I need to sit with it. It’s coming from ME, not from him."Detachment with love”Focus on our own stuff, not another’s personal details…Step away from it and keep the focus on myselfDon’t even think about trying to change anyone… put the focus on myselfDid they ask you for advice? No, then keep focus on myselfDETACHMENT WITH LOVE (this is such a perfect and timely topic. Thank you God.)“Off the Richter scale codependent”"I lost my serenity and I started to meddle”DETACH"One day at a time"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Le'Anna is coming. Should we go to that concert?
I don't think so. I think we should stay here.
And I really want to reach out to Ryan, but do I see? This is MY addiction. HE is my addiction. I am addicted to him. And his drama. I thought HE was addicted to drama, but it's ME. (three fingers pointed back at me). Ego? (three fingers pointed back at me).
I need to keep the focus on myself. I am codependent, don't like being alone, trying to "save" others instead of putting the energy and effort into saving myself. Love myself. Care for myself. Be pretty and do nice things for ME. EnJOYYYYY ME and my life. And if God sees fit to send someone to enJOY with me, then that would be great, but I have to find happiness and peace inside of myself first.
That Alanon meeting was really helpful.
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I think I know better than everyone. I am a control freak, trying to "help" everyone... instead of letting them be them. I intertwine myself with them. I am co-dependant. I manipulate energy to wrap myself in someone else's life.
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27/7:52 (all those 7's...7/7:7) Yesterday there was 7/1/17 (mirror and 7's). Today so many numbers including 11:11, 12:13, 144, 12:34. Been seeing lots of 333 too I think.
Anyway, Le'Anna just left. Thank you, God, for my sweet friend - my best friend - through and through. She comforted and counseled me with love. She listened and held space and also reminded me who I AM... and I need to take good care of myself... as conscious as I am about Ryan's toxicity and all the layers associated with it (i.e. that it's not really him, that it's his unhealed trauma/unprocessed pain that make up his pain body and/or the holes in his lightbody that allow demonic shenanigans to use him as a dark portal. I don't believe he is at fault - I have compassion for him. The REAL Ryan is my divine beloved ... or maybe one of them... a genetic equal we can call it, I guess. But all the stuff that is covering him is ruling him and unless he decides to dig in and do the work to clear his ego and heal, he is not a suitable mate, and probably not even a suitable friend because he is not safe. He hurts me every chance he gets.
The way he talks to me and treats me is not right. I take all the blame because I am grateful for the opportunity to see my GUNK... I have a lot of healing to do myself still... but by doing that, I allow him to displace his responsibility soley on me and he will not even ever see it...or maybe he will. But I can't tell him anything and sometimes I want to. But he has to self-discover his areas of opportunity. And I want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be with me and where we can work on ourselves side-by-side. I definitely struggle with codependency and control. These are triggered by fear. I need to put my energy into taking care of ME. Loving myself. Back to mirror work and the gym and meditation and keep journaling. And living and loving and responding to all that God has for me.
I am blessed. So blessed. I can't throw it away to for the ego-game of hero-savior with the hopes that Ryan will come around and love me. He has to learn to love himself.
And the real me isn't a mousy blame-taker. I'm vibrant and bold and a free-spirit who loves to look at consciousness layers/layers of truth. There is nothing to be ashamed of! Just because Ryan doesn't "get it" (yet?!), doesn't mean that I should give myself away, DENY MYSELF/God to try to keep his love. (Fear of losing love. Whoooo! God! Thank you!!)
Anyway, Le'Anna just left. Thank you, God, for my sweet friend - my best friend - through and through. She comforted and counseled me with love. She listened and held space and also reminded me who I AM... and I need to take good care of myself... as conscious as I am about Ryan's toxicity and all the layers associated with it (i.e. that it's not really him, that it's his unhealed trauma/unprocessed pain that make up his pain body and/or the holes in his lightbody that allow demonic shenanigans to use him as a dark portal. I don't believe he is at fault - I have compassion for him. The REAL Ryan is my divine beloved ... or maybe one of them... a genetic equal we can call it, I guess. But all the stuff that is covering him is ruling him and unless he decides to dig in and do the work to clear his ego and heal, he is not a suitable mate, and probably not even a suitable friend because he is not safe. He hurts me every chance he gets.
The way he talks to me and treats me is not right. I take all the blame because I am grateful for the opportunity to see my GUNK... I have a lot of healing to do myself still... but by doing that, I allow him to displace his responsibility soley on me and he will not even ever see it...or maybe he will. But I can't tell him anything and sometimes I want to. But he has to self-discover his areas of opportunity. And I want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be with me and where we can work on ourselves side-by-side. I definitely struggle with codependency and control. These are triggered by fear. I need to put my energy into taking care of ME. Loving myself. Back to mirror work and the gym and meditation and keep journaling. And living and loving and responding to all that God has for me.
I am blessed. So blessed. I can't throw it away to for the ego-game of hero-savior with the hopes that Ryan will come around and love me. He has to learn to love himself.
And the real me isn't a mousy blame-taker. I'm vibrant and bold and a free-spirit who loves to look at consciousness layers/layers of truth. There is nothing to be ashamed of! Just because Ryan doesn't "get it" (yet?!), doesn't mean that I should give myself away, DENY MYSELF/God to try to keep his love. (Fear of losing love. Whoooo! God! Thank you!!)
___
Did I tell you that Ryan called when Le'Anna was here? My phone was in the other room but I heard it and ignored it because I was talking to Le'Anna. I, of course, hoped/daydreamed that it was Ryan calling, and I was surprised and grateful to see that it was him (when I saw 15 min later). He didn't leave a message or text or anything. Le'Anna initially said that maybe I could text back "what's up?" but eventually we settled on maybe I shouldn't ... because I know he can feel me. And he didn't leave a message and my heart is in knots. I need to learn to take care of myself. I also know how brave it was for him to call...it probably took him all day to work up to it. But I don't know how to be "short and sweet" like L suggests... I just want to give him all of me.
Le'Anna said she'd go to New York with me if Ryan doesn't. That's a relief and fun. I would rather go with him, of course, but he isn't trustworthy so I can't count on it, but at least now I can still go. (I was thinking of maybe flying if he bailed.)
Anyway... I need to sleep. I ate a croissant today which put me on a bender...kind of. I ate too many spoonfuls of almond butter (with maple syrup) and dark chocolate tahini. I had some lentils with my lamb and a piece of broccoli with Le'Anna... it was SO wonderful to spend time with her.
Le'Anna said she'd go to New York with me if Ryan doesn't. That's a relief and fun. I would rather go with him, of course, but he isn't trustworthy so I can't count on it, but at least now I can still go. (I was thinking of maybe flying if he bailed.)
Anyway... I need to sleep. I ate a croissant today which put me on a bender...kind of. I ate too many spoonfuls of almond butter (with maple syrup) and dark chocolate tahini. I had some lentils with my lamb and a piece of broccoli with Le'Anna... it was SO wonderful to spend time with her.
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