Something in one of my email windows I must have written yesterday or the day before:
Does Ryan want to be friends
Last night I dreamed that Ryan came back around... he seemed sick but it turned out he had gone on a bender but was humbled and didn't want to continue... had asked his Dad for help, I think. But he let me know and I told him I loved him and he said he loved me too.
I feel like he loves me too, but he's a slave to his demons. And I can't do anything about that. He has to choose that. And he just hurts me... his demons do. But I may be naive and idealistic... I AM... and hopeful... and I miss my sweet friend. I wasn't seeing much of him anymore toward the end... mostly the angry demon-ridden guy was around.
There were so many red flags. He never got us a loveseat to share. He stopped offering me the good chair. I always made dinner and would have to sit in the little chair.... and I wouldn't want the big chair, but he didn't even offer or care. He just liked me taking care of him.
Today I mowed the lawn again... crying. And cut a large part of the azaleas out, but there was a LOT of what I thought was Poison Oak, but I think it is called "Virginia Creeper". It looked really poisonous and I ended up bathing in Dawn and Technu to try to remove the oils but hopefully it's not poisonous. I took a Zyrtek just in case too.
I'm lonely and overwhelmed... I don't want to do life on my own. YOU'RE NOT ALONE!
Dee came over to get her post pounder and some posts and didn't ask anything... I guess they know. I just feel abandoned. I thought of them as family...but I'm not feeling it now. I guess it's an equalization of the elation of buying the home and the excitement with Dee and the hospital and all that... it's just coming back to neutrality and I have to swing low a little to find balance. So cry it out, sweet girl. I AM with you.
I went to the Recovery Alive yesterday for a bit. Left before they invited people to ask Jesus into their heart. I wish I could speak freely with them, but they have their mission and purpose and I can't try to change or thwart them. God will bring people into my life if there is something I need to share. For now, I need to find my own connection with God and hang tight and stay aligned with my own mission.
This home is a gift from God and if I am faithful, God will help and bless me. So let me be faithful.
And God, if you could please send Ryan to be my friend, I'd really love that. But if it's not in my best interest, if you want me to find my own way, then I will do that too. Please lead. I know you want the best for me, and I keep giving myself away to people who don't cherish me.
Ryan doesn't even LIKE me. He is disdainful and prideful and MEAN. I think I know and see his heart and I can and DO love him very very much, but it's not healthy to be in a one-way relationship. I am not a punching bag. His demons were infuriated because they weren't getting loosh from me anymore so they were feeding on Ryan. He will have more peace if he is alone... miserable and bitter....but the demons will be happy. That's horrible. But I can't play hero-savior and just have to trust God's plan. I want to "save" him. He's my love. But the best way I can do that is through prayer. Silent support... behind the scenes. I sure do love you Carissa. You are a sweet girl.
(big cry/release). Thank you for seeing me. ("help is on the way" "you are never alone")
___
On my 4th day without Ryan.
Very sad. Missing him. Looking at photos. He loved me ... liked me... when we first got together and it was so nice. He was so nice. Now he doesn't like me and he's not so nice.
My heart is sad. I want to say it's broken but it's not... I am holding hope... and trusting God to lead.
I wondered if I should play with dating apps. Meet other people? I don't want to be alone. Why is Ryan leaving me? But am I with Ryan because I don't want to be alone? Am I putting up with so much crap because I don't want to be alone?
Yes. I don't want to be alone. I like his abilities and skillsets to be a MAN... fix things... build things... be strong. I am attracted to him. I may have gotten the Celtic codes I needed, but that was appealing to me as well. I liked feeling the way I felt when I was with him... until he started nitpicking me to death. He calls me a control freak, but it's his control issues that make him feel so... his ego... if he feels I'm challenging his ego if I ... I don't even know if that's him. Do I make all men feel bad? Why can't I just be me and why do they take it personally? I just want to HELP. To be a counterpart... but I'm strong and pushy and second guess everything because I think I'm smart. That's my ego and it's NOT okay.
God, please heal Burchie.
God, please heal me.
I don't want anyone other than Ryan, that's the problem. But it may be Stockholm Syndrome. And I have to keep moving. I can't get trapped in my life waiting for Ryan to have his process.
But I DO have hope... that he will have his process and remember me.
But it may have been HIS idealism that let him choose me in the first place.
And I got caught up in it. He is powerful. So am I.
Yeah... he's my guy. I need to wait for him. He's got to do what he's got to do and I've got to just take care of myself until he gets it together. I will wait for him. I love him. He's my dude. I'm going to hold the line and be strong for myself and him. And that's it. That's what I have to do.
Nice message from Ramsey...and back....
Hi Carissa!!!!! Thats incredible!!!! Johnston county extension agent office!!!!! Yayayayayaya!!!!!! And a house!!!!! Making moves the sun and the moon and the ocean!!!!!!! I fell asleep to this documentary on other planets.....and i had a dream explaining how sharks were more prevalent when the moon was dominant and whales when the sunshine was more dominant - in my dream!!!!! And i was having like a tour through the ocean looking at all this gnarly ocean life...really trippy really really cool stuff. Like life on other planets may really look like these creatures....besides that doing EXCELLENTE!!!!!! We are going to have information for at least four studies from this year - so as a grower i will bee 🐝 listed as an author. So definitely busy and super fucking grateful....like wtf...life is so fucking awesome. Struggled some cause not many friends but im gaining more stability that working with the earth is often better anyways - and i have some friends.
My mom did pass away ....she is epic in kindness. I definitely love reincarnations and the dreamworld and i know her soul is set in this world.
Sorry i didnt check messages sooner. Been so busy. And i did cut ties with Le' Anna. I really wanted a healthy friendship and it just didnt happen. And i feel so much better and also wish her the best
Take care Carissa....Love your Light....you Light up the Universe
___
Wow, Ramsey, thank you for a beautiful message! First and most importantly, I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom. :( I didn't know she was sick and know how much she meant to you so I imagine that was really hard. Was it sudden? Do you feel like you got to say all you wanted to?
Your dream is magical and feels super on point about sharks/moon and whales/sun.... the whales are definitely supporting us right now, I think we are in a time where the sun is lighting up all of our beings...opening portals for healing and clearing. That documentary was probably reallly interesting too!
Congratulations on the studies and authorship - that is so rad! I'd love to hear more sometime!
I hear you about the busyness and also feeling lonely and I'm also getting lessons on how I just need to practice discipline and take care of the earth (in my case it's my yard... it's a LOT for me, but these are my people....the trees and plants and grass...)...picking up pinecones is my main non-work gig now...ha!
I'm glad you are feeling better after cutting ties with Le'Anna. Sound like a good move. I'm four days post-relationship and feeling pretty sad, but trusting God will set everything up the way it should be and I need to practice patience and perseverance and love and kindness. I am abundantly blessed and this slice of pain is here for me to feel into. You've been through it. Not fun, but look how brave and beautiful you are on the other side!
Anyway, it was great to hear from you. I allllmost signed up for the Plant Delights tour for something having to do with the Horticulture Agent but have an event the next day so will maybe wait until next year. But I'm excited to support that program and hope to learn lots! If you ever want to come to any of the offerings we have out of our office, please let me know and I'll be sure to meet you there!
Happy life, Ramsey! ☀️🐋🌻🌿🦄🌈🌻
That's it.
Here's my affirmation for the day that just popped through:
Something I shared with Kelsey:
I'm having a day of crying... day 4 without any word from Ryan and my heart is so sad. I want to say "broken", but it's not. I feel hope that this is part of the initiation, growth, healing, and all that is necessary to clear the schisms and entities that have infilitrated my beloved (and our unity). Maybe I'm a naive kookamunga, but hope definitely helps.
BEFORE I lost my cool and sent a Telegram message AND called. No answer to either.
I don't like doing life without him. I also have an appointment to go look at dogs for Moses tomorrow and I would love the dog-whisperer to be there. I'm a baby.
Well now I've broken the floodgates.... and I need to wait. Stop now Carissa.
He MIGHT go with me tomorrow. I have to call in the morning to find out.
He DID help his parents with the chicken fence today... I sensed that since Dee didn't ask about me at all and it looked like she was coming from Ryan's house. Also I had this feeling of how they were so happy to have Ryan to help them at their house so it is good for them if he isn't always helping me with mine. I will eventually need to ask him if he'd like to be paid for projects with me or if he'd prefer I hire someone else. But let's see if we are/can be friends first.
I had a nice talk with Ramsey today too.... he's such a sweet gentle soul. I do have a hard time with his energy, but can take it in small doses. Like Jannelle. Same sort of thing... spongy. Ryan is wall-y. Ha.
I told Ryan I would 100% trust his perspective about the dogs...which is why I want him to go... he'll know. Page would know as well. God, it's up to you. Thy will be done. In all things.
I love Ryan. I think the pendulum said it would be in our best interests if we could be together but not sure if it will happen, sounds like it's up to Ryan .... both of us... to be in alignment. And I need to first be and stay in alignment with God and pray that Ryan finds alignment with God as well. If we could be friends, maybe there will be opportunities to vibrate at that frequency and that his strings could also pick up the frequency. I can't preach or try to change him. I can only BE. And I want to be in truth, love, patience, kindness, generosity, humility, self-control, discipline, diligence, etc...
Please don't let me get poison ivy, God. Thank you! Please help my back, God! Thank you!
Maybe I'll work some Malai first. Yes.
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