Goodbye Ryan

Goodbye.

I saw/heard the song "Hard Love" by NeedtoBreathe which motivated me to keep on keeping on. It's so hard. Ryan is so mean. He says the most awful things... calls me a psycho and a bitch and other horrible things. He's got me twisted up and inside out. He's blamed and shamed me and made me feel small and broken so that he can feel inflated and large. I listened and listened and tried to work with him to help him... to be a compassionate witness. But he cannot see. He is so blind and everything he says about me is actually about him. HE'S the liar and unappreciative and psycho. His anger and selfishness and empty promises are tearing us apart. He has never slept in my bed. The anxiety and pressure of my desire for us is pushing him to the boiling point. He is not peaceful or relaxed or kind. He's being called to a higher version of himself but he is resisting it. 

I have shown appreciation with my words, financially (buying and making him dinners and gave him gift cards which he didn't want), with my actions (cooking, his desires for his fantasies...anal sex and these deep throat bjs that tear up my throat (I couldn't swallow properly for a couple days after), today I cleaned his house completely... but I've helped him clean, take his trash, find a lawyer (and scan his documents), I am with him for whatever he needs whenever he needs it... including for all of my house projects. HE is unappreciative. I've given all of myself. He doesn't take time for self-reflection, he just wants to blame ... and try to feel better about himself by making me feel bad. And he did. He tore me up. 

But God. 

God is with me and this is all part of it. 

I am going to go to Temple's Recovery Alive tonight again and I'm going to choose to recover.... from my weakness and lack of self-sufficiency. God is with me. I am sufficient. God's love is enough. I am strong and will learn to be stronger. Ryan has left me high and dry. He isn't doing what he said he would do. 

I am not a victim. I have an OPPORTUNITY to choose STRENGTH, COURAGE, LOVE, HOPE. 

I have a beautiful home and life and I'm so grateful! 

I will learn how to do things on my own. 
I'm sad and a mess. I love Ryan. He's so vile and cruel...it's demonic/energetic and trying to keep his beautiful heart smothered. 

So I have hope, but I don't want to. I need to move forward. 
So I say Goodbye. And will figure it out. 

_____

Don’t ever fucking call me or talk to me or look at me again! YOU are an asshole! You abandon me in my time of need every time! Starting with our first fight… I had an anxiety attack and you made it about YOU. You took that and turned it into a blame game… always always blaming and shaming me so you can feel better about yourself. I have been in the biggest challenge of my life with this move and you have been on my ass picking on me for anything and everything you could throughout. I understood that these were big projects and I was with you the whole time! But you have left me high and dry all week… fuck that. I don’t even care. These stupid details. And I just kept trying to love and support you and show you appreciation (which was never good enough), but OF COURSE I felt like you left me high and dry… YOU DID!! You have NEVER ONCE slept in my bed. I moved my bed closer to you and you STILL wouldn’t do it! You have used and abused my body and I let you… as an act of submission and love, hoping that would be enough to show you. FUCK YOUUUUU. YOUUUUUU have zero appreciation. You left ME.

YOU are the psycho asshole, but I don’t choose to point that out. I wanted to be a SAFE person for you… someone you knew wouldn’t throw arrows at you. A place where you could feel loved and cherished and cared for. But you’ve left me in my biggest time of need. You have done SO MUCH for me. I do not deny that. I am saying that you have not kept your part of the promise to help me. 

_____

Michael came and helped me install the chicken door and to get my washer going… I don’t know if I have it right, but he showed me how to use the tool…and helped me start on the bidet. Michael is a real friend. 

I’m done with Ryan.

I need to figure out how to do this stuff myself.

Build a wall for the water closet

Hang my cabinets

Hire someone for the dryer and hot water heater

Put in my floor

I have to learn

I feel like I need help with the stove hood too.

Ryan is a coward. Not a man. Selfish. He used and abused me. I’m NOT used and abused because I don’t accept that…I watched all of it through the eyes of my soul. It has all be a learning experience and an opportunity to be a compassionate witness. Ryan is not well. But he can be and I am asking God and his guides to help him. Show him the Way. Not my will or timing. I need to focus on myself. And cut my dang nails. 

Thank you God for loving me.

Note, I did NOT send that note to Ryan above. I wanted to and am glad I didn’t go over there blazing. Last night I went to him and waited for him and just kept trying to appeal to his heart, but he is disconnected from his heart right now. There’s no reason in him. Let him go.

___

Ryan wasn’t even there for me when I needed to go to the hospital cared about it at all… When he made me bleed from anal sex, he didn’t care about that… nice person (sarcasm) ...and I need to let him go
I cooked for him every night… fed him…cleaned up... doted on him...thought about him... did everything with him… watched jeopardy and family guy because that's what he wanted to do. I was always there for him thinking about him, putting him first… Talk about not appreciating.

Reminder in Recovery Alive:
Hurt people hurt people 
Healed people heal people

Ryan is a hurt person hurting me.

His failure to live up to what he said he would do must afflict him even if he won't admit it. I certainly am not calling him on it but he reads between the lines and probably why he's so hard on me because he felt my disappointment because he only changed the light when there were (are) SO MANY things he said he would do. Thank you God for sending my parents who actually did stuff.

Ryan's dad had to bail him out on the water filters. He has held it against me and treated me like crap because his dad asked him to put that wall up. He's just very sick. He's just very sick. And he can't see it. And I need to let him go. And learn to take care of myself.

My name is Carissa and I struggle with fear, control, and co-dependency. 

I am lonely and broken and need God. And need to get back to ESF... to negative ego clearing and the work there and get back to ME. Ryan has made me feel so bad about myself... or tried to. Super toxic energy sometimes and sometimes I would feel our love. We do love each other and could be great together but there isn't honesty. I'm not honest or comfortable calling him out... it doesn't work anyway. His ego is huge and mine must be too as it's a mirror. 

I'm home though. I have a home that I must learn to take care of. This is my life now. Take care of my house...take care of my animals. LOVE GOD and MYSELF. (My animals are part of God and the house is part of myself.)

God, I surrender Ryan to you. I surrender. 

We made it 5 months. 

1 month of glorious magical love and 4 months of challenges.
I know it IS "hard love" and I am willing to keep going if it's GOD'S will, but I have to stop trying. I am giving up. Not my will, but THINE be done, Oh God!

This is what my quote of the day was:

"Truth is so obscure in these times, and falsehood so established, that, unless we love the truth, we cannot know it." ~Pascal

 ...which relates to Ryan's accusations that I am a liar. I AM. I DO. And I must get to the bottom of it. Last night he took what I said and twisted it and wanted me to agree to it, but he missed the truth of the message and made it ugly. I don't know how to talk to him. He accuses me of gaslighting but I feel that HE is. It's communication and perception. He doesn't care about the context or intention. He doesn't care about my heart. 

I want to love and know the truth, God. I want to only speak truth. 

Thank you God for my "suggested for today":

Definitely feeling this. So hang tight as a compassionate witness. God's will be done. I think Ryan and I could end up together but for now, he's got to go through what he's going through. It might be a long road. He has lots of ego-breaking to do... lots of surrender. I don't know how it will be accomplished, but God is in charge... and Ryan's soul. I'm out. I just need to surrender and listen to God to the best of my ability. Hang in there, sweet girl! I love you and you are doing AWESOME!!

ps. MICHAEL came through for me yet again. He came and helped me get the chicken door set up and the bidet started and helped me with the washer cables and showed me how to use a tool. He is a good friend. Thank you God. 

___

Maybe I'm wrong that Ryan is the guy. I trust God to lead. I'd also like to find my pendulum. Enjoying this YT video that Rosemary shared: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0I2sGilczg

Listening to this and it is reminding me of who I am and what I do... learning and collapsing timelines and healing myself and being a beacon of love... this is who I AM... and I've been distracted with the move and Ryan and all this. It's been nice not to have the pressure on my body (other than the scary allergic reaction week)...but I am that I AM... and feeling encouraged and excited about coming back to myself... alignment with my soul. 

And body.
Back to the gym tomorrow, ya hear? That will be nice.
And meditation... yes. Thank you God. Thank you Guidance Teams for helping me feel and see and thank you for Moses. Should I get him a friend? Let him think about it? Meet one and see?

___

I'm choosing to manifest a life where I am strong and capable and take good care of my animals and home and trees...that which I've been given stewardship of... God, help me to be worthy and to do a good job. Show me the Way.