You see that period at the end of the title. That's because you have GOT TO STOP.
It would be comical if it weren't so sad how everything that he accuses me of is about HIM. Completely. He said that I was too far gone...or something like that....and my soul rose up and screamed that HE WAS NOT. Because I see and know his demons are making a mockery of my friend and beloved.... working through him and torturing him because he hasn't chosen to button his soul up. He is not wise or well. He is an egocentric mess... a slave to his demons... his mind, which he thinks he is the master over, but in fact, it owns him. He isn't safe. He isn't well. I wanted to love him enough so he would choose life, but instead I found myself giving myself away for his favor.
Man up, Carissa. Balance my own inner masculine and feminine and take care of what I need to. This is MY HOUSE. MY LIFE. MY ANIMAL RESPONSIBILITIES. Put my energy into THAT instead of trying to win favor in order to feel "loved". He CAN'T love.
Song thats playing: BURN THE SHIPS
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=Qke7WmZaiLA&si=V6oAiERvoq6lydk1
Burn The Shipsfor KING & COUNTRYHow did we get here?All cast away on a lonely shoreI can see in your eyes, dearIt's hard to take for a moment more
We've got toBurn the ships, cut the tiesSend a flare into the nightSay a prayer, turn the tideDry your tears and wave goodbye
Step into a new dayWe can rise up from the dust and walk awayWe can dance upon the heartache, yeahSo light a match, leave the past, burn the shipsAnd don't you look back
Don't let it arrest youThis fear is fear of fallin' againAnd if you need a refugeI will be right here, until the end
Oh, it's time toBurn the ships, cut the tiesSend a flare into the nightSay a prayer, turn the tideDry your tears and wave goodbye
Step into a new dayWe can rise up from the dust and walk awayWe can dance upon the heartache, yeahSo light a match, leave the past, burn the shipsAnd don't you look back
So long to shame, walk through the sorrowOut of the fire, into tomorrowSo flush the peals, face the fearFeel the wave disappear, we're coming clearWe're born again, our hopeful lungs can breathe againOh, we can breathe again
Step into a new dayWe can rise up from the dust and walk awayWe can dance upon the heartache, yeahSo light a match, leave the past, burn the ships
And step into a new dayWe can rise up from the dust and walk awayWe can dance upon the heartache, yeahSo light a match, leave the past, burn the shipsAnd don't you look back
And don't you look backAnd don't you look back
It's true.
He's doing what I always did... with Joe and everyone... push them away to see where the line is... and I didn't really want them to leave me, but I pushed and pushed. And Ryan is. And I am not God. I cannot love him the way he needs... he needs to find God within himself... connect to that God SOURCE within. He will have to choose that. But for now, this isn't good.
Tonight I felt upset that he didn't go with me to get oil...and it was a nightmare. He's done very little of what he said he would do.
Feel the pain. Thank you God. "Bend Like A Willow" : https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=36BCfJNGHog&si=qoxiv6C8DXic122C
"Bend Like The Willow"
Tell your story
Even if it starts dark
Shame is a shade of you color in the hard parts
Ooh yeah, color in the hard parts
La la la la la la la la la la
Let that pain in your heart ignite inspire
Spotless mind it's peace I desire
When I call on the name
Feel it rush through my veins
So I put it in the fire send it back to the stars
Sweat hits my chest and I'm praying really hard
All I can see is infinity of dark
All can feel is that beating drum in my heart
You are braver than your deepest fear
You are wise beyond your years
Bend like the willow
Cast your love over me...
Creator's shadow
Cast your love over me...
Find your person and keep your elders close
Try things out, hold hands of many folks, yeah
La la la la la la la la la la
Pull the trigger if you dig her she's a fighter and a keeper but be careful to go deeper cause it could mean steeper consequences
You're a man now you gotta make your own decisions
Have you heard yourself lately take some time to listen
Oh, take some time to listen
Your mind is a garden, be sure to tend it well
Where you find the water is where you find yourself
You are braver than your deepest fear
You are wise beyond your years
Bend like the willow
Cast your love over me...
Creator's shadow
Cast your love over me...
Even if it starts dark
Shame is a shade of you color in the hard parts
Ooh yeah, color in the hard parts
La la la la la la la la la la
Let that pain in your heart ignite inspire
Spotless mind it's peace I desire
When I call on the name
Feel it rush through my veins
So I put it in the fire send it back to the stars
Sweat hits my chest and I'm praying really hard
All I can see is infinity of dark
All can feel is that beating drum in my heart
You are braver than your deepest fear
You are wise beyond your years
Bend like the willow
Cast your love over me...
Creator's shadow
Cast your love over me...
Find your person and keep your elders close
Try things out, hold hands of many folks, yeah
La la la la la la la la la la
Pull the trigger if you dig her she's a fighter and a keeper but be careful to go deeper cause it could mean steeper consequences
You're a man now you gotta make your own decisions
Have you heard yourself lately take some time to listen
Oh, take some time to listen
Your mind is a garden, be sure to tend it well
Where you find the water is where you find yourself
You are braver than your deepest fear
You are wise beyond your years
Bend like the willow
Cast your love over me...
Creator's shadow
Cast your love over me...
So true.
I've been really dizzy today and this week.
Thank you for all the support, God.
I've been really dizzy today and this week.
Thank you for all the support, God.
I can do this.
I NEED TO FIND GOD IN ME. I'm saying that Ryan needs to do that and that HE needs to learn to love HIMSELF so HE can love ME...but that's all about ME. Everything we say about each other is about OURSELVES. It's crazy!!
So...
Yeah. I need to focus on me.
So...
Yeah. I need to focus on me.
And take care of my own life.
Go get someone to change my oil.
Go get someone to change my oil.
Put up my own tiles and down my own floor.
Hire a handiman to finish the water house.
Hire a handiman to finish the water house.
He kicks me out whenever I come to his house... "get the F out"... it's so sad and sick... and when I hold him, I feel him holding back. I feel my Beloved in there.... and we cling to each other, and I can and will love him from afar... but I can't be on this roller coaster.
I want peace.
I have a beautiful life.
Stop giving myself away.
I want peace.
I have a beautiful life.
Stop giving myself away.
I AM HERE.
"I am a difference maker" : https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5LMcAGTFGk&si=ko_-Leu4c94UX0XQ
AG pick gave me a meditation which feels exactly aligned and something I need to listen to with consciousness and allow to sink into my body. "The Spirit of Harmlessness"
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/The_Spirit_of_Harmlessness
Yes, thank you God.
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/The_Spirit_of_Harmlessness
Yes, thank you God.
What's weird was that I was so dizzy but when I got with Ryan, it subsided. Was his consciousness helping me or did mine have to halt downloads to be present with his?
Did I tell you that NOW he's mad at me and calling me a liar because I asked him if he would do my oil change this weekend and he said yes and I asked him if he wanted me to get the oil on my way home and he said yes. Now I HOPED that he would go with me, and because he didn't, it ended up being an uncomfortable, maddening, 45 minute ordeal and I shared with him that I was upset he didn't go and he expressed that he was upset with me for doing it in the first place because it was something he could have done. But he didn't communicate that. I wished that he had told me that he would do it and for me not to worry about it, but he didn't.
We're just in toxic territory. I don't want to get into finger-pointing and the blame game. It's both of us. But I'm exhausted and I feel his disdain for me and he is not happy to see me or in love or even in like or friendship. He's choosing that for some reason and I need to honor his choice. And I need to take care of ME. Because no one else will. I am my own parent. And I have potential for great happiness!
I am a kind, fun, loving, giving, and wonderful person. Hang out with ME. Love and get to know ME (again), and let's DO THIS THANG (life)!!
The obsession with having Ryan love and accept me .... the delusion that we are "meant to be" and "soul mates" is a long-dead dream. I chased the dragon until it dropped dead. We had one good month. After that it's been filled with sickness. It's not Ryan's fault. It's not my fault. There are dark presences at play here, which I have shut off access to the wisdom keepers because I chose this earth boy instead... I chose the "princess code" instead. But it was a trick...and a lesson...and something to learn from. All is well. Choose ME now.
I send love and blessings to Ryan, but he has to help himself. And I have to help myself.
Did I tell you that NOW he's mad at me and calling me a liar because I asked him if he would do my oil change this weekend and he said yes and I asked him if he wanted me to get the oil on my way home and he said yes. Now I HOPED that he would go with me, and because he didn't, it ended up being an uncomfortable, maddening, 45 minute ordeal and I shared with him that I was upset he didn't go and he expressed that he was upset with me for doing it in the first place because it was something he could have done. But he didn't communicate that. I wished that he had told me that he would do it and for me not to worry about it, but he didn't.
We're just in toxic territory. I don't want to get into finger-pointing and the blame game. It's both of us. But I'm exhausted and I feel his disdain for me and he is not happy to see me or in love or even in like or friendship. He's choosing that for some reason and I need to honor his choice. And I need to take care of ME. Because no one else will. I am my own parent. And I have potential for great happiness!
I am a kind, fun, loving, giving, and wonderful person. Hang out with ME. Love and get to know ME (again), and let's DO THIS THANG (life)!!
The obsession with having Ryan love and accept me .... the delusion that we are "meant to be" and "soul mates" is a long-dead dream. I chased the dragon until it dropped dead. We had one good month. After that it's been filled with sickness. It's not Ryan's fault. It's not my fault. There are dark presences at play here, which I have shut off access to the wisdom keepers because I chose this earth boy instead... I chose the "princess code" instead. But it was a trick...and a lesson...and something to learn from. All is well. Choose ME now.
I send love and blessings to Ryan, but he has to help himself. And I have to help myself.
ps. I stood on/with Angel Oak today and she infused me with some life. I need to get to know her better. And take care of the poison ivy that is at her feet.
pss. Moses and Sunshine are my boys! I love them! and Sioux and the Cheekins! These are my family members! Thank you God!
____
10:44
Remember how sad it was to see Ryan, whacking off to porn on his phone in the dark with his big TV blaring. This wasn't the first time I've seen this. He is definitely addicted to porn, and cigarettes, and trying to get relief … he was smoking and masturbating… I watched him from outside for a few minutes … I was a creeper… but trying to SEE.
I went over to return his gate opener- it didn’t feel right to have taken it (when I left earlier) and I wanted to do the right thing. I thought about talking to him but didn’t want to disturb him in that state. I don't know if I told you before that I took back the gate opener when I was leaving. He took it from me to hurt me.... and it did. And today I talked to his parents who, it sounded like, were fine with me having it, but it's fine if not. It is what it is. It just illustrates how Ryan has shut me out of the gate to his heart. I feel that.
The song playing on the way over was “part problem” by Nahko. So true. Anyway, I don't want to perpetuate the problem either.
So. See. And send love and compassion to his soul. I love you dear one. I hope you will find the strength to pull yourself out. Same goes to you Carissa.
I’m not really feeling Ryan anymore either. Feel me.
I went over to return his gate opener- it didn’t feel right to have taken it (when I left earlier) and I wanted to do the right thing. I thought about talking to him but didn’t want to disturb him in that state. I don't know if I told you before that I took back the gate opener when I was leaving. He took it from me to hurt me.... and it did. And today I talked to his parents who, it sounded like, were fine with me having it, but it's fine if not. It is what it is. It just illustrates how Ryan has shut me out of the gate to his heart. I feel that.
The song playing on the way over was “part problem” by Nahko. So true. Anyway, I don't want to perpetuate the problem either.
So. See. And send love and compassion to his soul. I love you dear one. I hope you will find the strength to pull yourself out. Same goes to you Carissa.
I’m not really feeling Ryan anymore either. Feel me.
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