Sweet little boy. No name yet.... can't keep "Moby" with "Mosey"... so I've got a good list to consider. Maybe tomorrow. He's a year and a half old they say. He and Mosey are so cute! Moses is slightly annoyed by him but also seems to like him. I'll have to tell you more later as it's 11pm and I still have to send Malai emails... but I also wanted to update you on Ryan.
So grateful for a great conversation tonight. He has identified (rightly) that I have a problem with lying... I don't take responsibility for what I say. I justify and create layers of truth to try to look at the "intention" so as not to feel shame for letting someone down. It has become a big problem for Ryan, and justifiably so.
I am committed to identifying this behavior, taking responsibility, NOT justifying, and apologizing and correcting the issue. Then catching myself before it happens and rewiring my brain so it's not even an issue. I see how I like the "consciousness exploration" over truth. What is truth anyway? Ooooh, this is a big topic that I need to really feel into.
But we had a meaningful conversation and I'm grateful that he shared his concern with me and it is a dealbreaker for us being together....and it's a dealbreaker for me to go through life with purity, so I need to correct it. There is an element of shame that spurs me to try to manipulate so I don't feel or look bad so the person will still "like me", but I gaslight to create a different reality where I am the good guy. It's tricky.
So grateful for a great conversation tonight. He has identified (rightly) that I have a problem with lying... I don't take responsibility for what I say. I justify and create layers of truth to try to look at the "intention" so as not to feel shame for letting someone down. It has become a big problem for Ryan, and justifiably so.
I am committed to identifying this behavior, taking responsibility, NOT justifying, and apologizing and correcting the issue. Then catching myself before it happens and rewiring my brain so it's not even an issue. I see how I like the "consciousness exploration" over truth. What is truth anyway? Ooooh, this is a big topic that I need to really feel into.
But we had a meaningful conversation and I'm grateful that he shared his concern with me and it is a dealbreaker for us being together....and it's a dealbreaker for me to go through life with purity, so I need to correct it. There is an element of shame that spurs me to try to manipulate so I don't feel or look bad so the person will still "like me", but I gaslight to create a different reality where I am the good guy. It's tricky.
Nice dinner together and I got to fold Ryan's laundry and we had this true heart-to-heart talk over dinner. He has lots to share... lots to talk about and I'm glad to listen. And he said he will be my handiman. I'm going to give him my Lowes credit card and he's going to bill me for his time. But that takes it off my plate I'm so glad. Thank you God. We had a really good conversation about religion too which was good. Yeah. Really nice. And a nice hug goodbye too. I feel so grateful. I need to remain diligent about observing myself. This liar thing is tricky and insidious and real.
11:13
I did a quick search in my journals for "liar" and lots came up. This is not a new revelation... just one that I have buried again and again .... this is an ongoing issue. I remember (but can't find right now) that I identified it in my first childhood journal too.... I can't remember what it was exactly but I was committed to lying or something... yeah. This is a big one that I need to unpack and share with Ryan maybe... but thank you God for bringing it forward. It's messy. Ugly.
I did a quick search in my journals for "liar" and lots came up. This is not a new revelation... just one that I have buried again and again .... this is an ongoing issue. I remember (but can't find right now) that I identified it in my first childhood journal too.... I can't remember what it was exactly but I was committed to lying or something... yeah. This is a big one that I need to unpack and share with Ryan maybe... but thank you God for bringing it forward. It's messy. Ugly.
This may be an ancestral thing because Page is also a big liar, I've been watching it for years... interesting. She doesn't know it either. She just makes stuff up and is sure it happened or is true. Hmmm. I must do that too. Ugh!
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