Message to Ryan. (After working all day I brought dinner over to him ... meatloaf drenched in cheese and sauce...yum. We were fine...but I don't know what happened... I looked some way and he got mad at me and then it slid downhill from there... that attitude and anger and blame. Always so interesting how he goes off on blame tangents thinking he's telling me how I am, but he's giving away what really goes on with him. Tonight he was telling me that yesterday's issue was because I felt bad for interrupting him and that instead of recovering and apologizing, I wouldn't admit I was wrong and just kept acting worse...or something... but it was 100% what HE did. He acted like an ass when I briefly interrupted his story to ask about the dump being open as we were driving by... I immediately asked for him to continue his story and he withheld it and was driving like a chump. He would not recover and got more and more agitated. When we went into Lowes he walked in front of me and someone walking out the door smiled at me ...we smiled at each other, and he turned around while I still had the glow of that smile on and accused me of smirking at him (which I DO do sometimes, to be fair...but in this case it was from that girl).... anyway he just kept picking and picking and picking... yearning for the fight and drama... (loosh farming). No wonder he's so hostile about loosh. That is a legitimate trigger and issue that his soul is ensnared with.
Anyway we had a nice time tonight and at the end I said I wished he would come over and hold me and he said he knows that's what I want but he wasn't going in that direction yet. Okay. But I'm tired and lonely and wanted to lean on him... he doesn't want that... and frankly, I know, he isn't capable. He needs to find his own strength, self-worth, and WAY. I told him tonight that I thought he needed God. I wanted to say "Jesus", but I don't get down with that. CHRIST. He needs to surrender to Christ. It's super late and I have to get up a little after 5 and I still have to shower so I need to go. Here's what I wrote to him on Telegram:
I'm not sure if you know that you slammed my foot in the door but I'm sure you didn't mean it and I'm not upset.
I was hoping you'd give me a chance to say how much I appreciated your sharing but I guess it wasn't in the cards as something else triggered and offended you... my exhale/breath I believe?
Oh'Ryan. This isn't healthy, as we both know. You are working really hard (subconsciously?) to destroy us and the gift of love that we were given.
3 Nahko songs that speak to me about this/us:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbYnBMEIKOA
"Part Problem"
What did you think this would be, easy love?
There ain't no easy love, no, no
Oh, beloved, what'd I do to us?
How could've I lost touch? I was
Fightin' with my shadow
That is somethin' I am good at
Givin' me the power that has
Provin' to have backlash
Good heart
Off to a bad start
How do I keep myself from fallin' apart
When I ain't never felt part of a whole?
Somewhere along the line I got disconnected
Started losin' perspective, I know
I'll admit that I am part of the problem
Part of the problem (part of the problem)
I'll admit that I am part of the problem
Part of the problem
What about all that shit I did for love?
Maybe it wasn't love, no, no
Who's in charge here, is it really me?
A face you rarely see
I was lookin' for connection
But is this just a mixed message?
Come a little closer
Maybe you can make some sense
Of my good heart
Off to a bad start
That is my good heart
Off to a bad start
How do I keep myself from fallin' apart
When I ain't never felt part of a whole?
Somewhere along the line I got disconnected
Started losin' perspective, I know
I'll admit that I am part of the problem
Part of the problem (part of the problem)
I'll admit that I am part of the problem
Part of the problem
So I'm learnin' to soften my soul
(Part of the problem, part of the problem)
Soul
(Part of the problem, part of the problem)
Soul
(Part of the problem, part of the problem)
Soul
(Part of the problem, part of the problem)
How do I keep myself from fallin' apart
When I ain't never felt part of a whole?
Somewhere along the line I got disconnected
Started losin' perspective, I know
I'll admit that I am part of the problem
Part of the problem (part of the problem)
I'll admit that I am part of the problem
So I'm learnin' to soften my soul
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SakhUzaHgbM
"DICHOTOMY"
Get the fuck away from me
Cause I can still love you
When you're far away from me, dichotomy
That's how you know you really love somebody!
When you leave them as they are
That's what it's like when you love everybody
Dichotomy
Good at playing make believe, yeah
Tried to hit the exit clean
We'll call it a bad string of luck
Nothing was ever good enough, na
Oh, I
It was intimate, and I was into it
But, I was fooled by the illusion
Get the fuck away from me
Cause I can still love you
When you're far away from me, dichotomy
That's how you know you really love somebody!
When you leave them as they are
That's what it's like when you love everybody
Dichotomy
It's part of me
Dichotomy
Had a hard time letting go, yeah
I wasn't good at saying no
The truth is I'm full of opposites
Every part of me must exist, and I
It was intimate, I was into it
But I was fooled by the illusion
Get the fuck away from me
Cause I can still love you
When you're far away from me, dichotomy
That's how you know you really love somebody!
When you leave them as they are
That's what it's like when you love everybody
Dichotomy
It's part of me
Dichotomy
It's part of me
Dichotomy
It's part of me
Dichotomy
It's part of me
Dichotomy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SRIOGpzfqsc
"We Are On Time"
I'm not going anywhere, babe
This is your home
It's a safe place
We're electric
Summer storms
Calm these waters
When a sail is torn
Now I won't fight you
There's no need
Such protections
They make us weak
Every compass
Needs a north star
Tame this recklessness
But keep these wild hearts
I am on your side
I am on your side
Pull your trigger
Push my buttons
Aim for reasons
God, we're so stubborn
Is this patience
Showing grace
When to be close
And when to give space
Oh babe, you ground me
Lightning rods
Come find shelter
In these arms
Sometimes I'm broken
Sometimes I'm mended
On the road
I can cope to get up and do it all over again
I am on your side
I am on your side
I am on your side
I am not drawing a line
Only want what is right
What is best for your life
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
So meet me in the streets
In the dark, in your bare feet
Meet in a place like your heart
Drop a phat beat
Wind begins to blow
It's a sweet validation
Nature has her signs
And they're clear affirmations
We are on time
We are on time, yeah, whoa
So come, on turn the lights down
Give a little, get a little
Come on, let your guard down
Give a little, get a little
Come on, turn the lights down
Give a little, get a little
Come on, let your guard down
Give a little, get a little
We are on time
We are on time
We are on time
I am on your side
We are on time
I am on your side
We are on time
I am on your side
We are on time
Carissa Wages, [Aug 15, 2023 at 9:59:27 PM]:
And to summarize some of my takeaways... I am part of the problem ... I fight with my shadow and have a good heart off to a bad start. I really love you and need to leave you as you are, and remember that I AM ON YOUR SIDE, I want what is best for your life.
I love you Ryan, but you (or something in you) wants to destroy me/us. I can't let that happen - I have to be strong so I can hold the line for you (and me!!). You are my Love and I hope you'll choose LOVE for yourself (which has the potential to heal and transform you). I'm not sure what that will look like for you, but it's only something you can choose and do. You can't love me back until you first love YOU. I tried to love you enough for both of us, but it was a slippery slope and if I want to preserve the possibility of a future relationship, this is where I need to get off.
I don't know what the future holds, but I know we both want a peaceful, joy-filled, harmonius life. I want that for you, Beloved. I want that for me. I want that for us.
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