Processing and Pain

I am definitely having a hard time. Lots of crying today. Lots to process. 

I did go talk to him, which was probably okay, but they are nails in the coffin and it hurts.

There is a lengthy voice journal to go with this. I also typed a little during my oil change. 

Just wanting to note the mind bender.
I asked my pendulum if it was in my best interest and in Ryan’s best interest to go see him and it said yes.

It was after 2pm and he hadn’t done anything- was working on a crossword puzzle. (Just remember this character trait. I was thinking earlier that iteb

____ got interrupted

He doesn’t do what he says he will do. He hasn’t taken care of my car. He hasn’t finished the work he said he’s so on my house. He must have layers of shame that he is pushing away by demonizing me.

He is a liar and maybe a thief. I thought I saw him steal a plumbing piece at Lowe’s. I was scared to call him out on it.

He was a jerk to his old employer- he is a jerk to most people. People like Mr. Gray and I were sent by God to love him unconditionally- which is hard because of his ego and pain body. Anyway, he is a liar and hopefully his calling me out on it will help him. I don’t know if he’s a gaslighter - it feels like it, but that might be me blame shifting because there is so much confusion.

He is abusive, angry, a dry drunk, controlling, and selfish. He doesn’t like to work but when he does, he does excellent work. He has a sensitive ego.

I am not better than him- I need to check MY ego. If I am going to “pray for him”, it needs to come from a pure heart, but right now I am feeling hurt and betrayed and abandoned and stupid and need to lick my own wounds.

God, please help us both.

I'm confused though... am I a horrible person? I feel like I am not, but maybe I am delusional. This is the mind-fuck that goes on here. I hate throwing around the narcissist label and all that, but there is definitely dysfunction here.... and it sounds like it is on both sides. 

So I need to love myself and like I said above, I need to lick my wounds. My M.O. is to stay busy and try to help all these other people instead of focusing on me...but I need to focus on me here. See what I've done. 

__

A key message given to me today by my soul was from Jesus.... "the truth shall set you free".

 Thank you God. And I need to just sit with this ...the pain, hurt, truth, dichotomy, everything.... I just need to BE with it for a while.... this is all part of my life stream. The heartbreak. The dashed hopes. But I have given myself away... I pretended to be "normal" so that Ryan would like me. I am not normal. I am a ...we are all... multidimensional beings exploring different consciousness layers...some are aware of it and some are not. I chose to close my awareness and try to be "normal" for a while ...but that's not who I AM or why I AM here... I AM here to explore these dynamics. 

God is with us. Just scheduled an HGS session with Terri for Friday at 11am. Thank you God. 

Thank you for helping me with my Spectrum bill. Thank you for these doggie friends. Thank you for my home which holds me. Thank you for letting me learn and clean my windows. Thank you for the oil change and the kind man at the parts store. Thank you for my clean sheets and clean kitchen and bathroom. Thank you for my jobs. Thank you for my family. Thank you for my friends. Thank you for blessing me abundantly. 

Please help Ryan. I love him... his soul.... the beloved under the uck. Please hold him and keep him and guide him and show him the Way. Please help me to learn and grow and heal so I don't do this to myself again. 

I AM THAT I AM.

____

Thank you God. I had dinner with Jim and Dee and DUMPED. They DO think I'm crazy (though they always say EVERYONE IS)...but they continued to tell me not to give my power away and they suggest staying on my own side of the road and let Ryan stay on his ..for a couple months... and then we can see where we are. But they agreed with my parents that I should be and can find someone kind who likes me and that's what I should hold out for. I need to love myself again.... and maybe Ryan will learn to love himself, but there's nothing I can do about that. I need to let him go. Dee has said from the beginning that this is like her first husband ...super abusive... and she identified how he isolated her and broke her down until she thought she was nothing. She went through it for 9 years. I should count myself lucky that it was only 6 months. Yeah. Poor Ryan. God, send him love. Help him to learn to love himself. I need to move on.

____

I'm done waiting on Ryan. 8/26 8:18

Goodbye Love. Goodbye love, goodbye love, goodbye.

AG pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Amoraea_Flame'

___

Kind message from Jim... and Dee texted me something similar:

Hey Carissa,

Loved having you tonight and you are all right. As much as you love someone you can not make them want to be better if they don't want to. I would implore you to google "untreated alcoholism" and see what you are dealing with. I love Ryan and would do anything for him but at some point, he has to want to help himself. He is the product or child of 2 alcoholic parents. Even know I have been sober since he was 3, I am still and always will be an alcoholic, as will be his mother. I did a lot of work on changing the drunk in the only way I know that works and that is through the 12 steps of recovery and I have helped countless people I have sponsored over the years go through the steps as well.  

I think you need to take care of yourself. Maybe try Allon if you really want to pursue this man. But you do have to ask yourself why do I keep picking these types of men?

Untreated Alcoholism

Take care of you. Dee and I are always here for you. Educate yourself. Love yourself. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you God.
My parents called and told me to buck up and that I can do anything and if not, I can learn, I can look it up...even electrical work! So I just need to find my mojo!! 

I did put myself on the Pattern dating part of the app ....first time I've done anything like that in 14 years, I guess. I wanted to have the experience, and it might be fun to talk to people, but I need to wait on God to provide my next partner... and I need to be careful. This is one of the things the Pattern app said about me...definitely reminds me of Ryan... 

But I am feeling supported. 
And I pray Ryan will too. But I have to let him go. 

I started to respond to Jim and this is what I said:

Thank you so much for this kind note and for all you guys’ (guyses - ha!) support! I have a lot of inner work to do and appreciate your wisdom and thought provoking questions. I will check out that webpage.

Thank you for loving and being a rock for believed Ryan as well. It might finally be sinking in through my thick skull that I have to let him go (unless something changes….which I can and do hope for…but it’s not likely to happen quickly, so I need to find my own courage and strength and put on my big girl pants and take care of myself and stop hoping for my big strong man to save me. And let go of the egotistical idea that I can save him. (Saving each other sounds so romantic, doesn’t it? But I’m figuring out that we need to be solid as individuals first.)

You see? There is so much "hero/savior" and "victim/victimizer" at play here. Playing out these archontic deception strategies. Thank you God for showing this to me. (I'm going to cut the email off at "big girl pants" but wanted to show it to me...what came out. 

Okay, this is what I wrote back:

Thank you so much for this kind note and for all you guys’ (guyses - ha!) support! I have a lot of inner work to do and appreciate your wisdom and thought provoking questions. I will check out that webpage. 

Thank you for loving and being a rock for (beloved) Ryan as well. It might finally be sinking in through my thick skull that I have to let him go ...unless something changes….which I can and do hope for…but it’s not likely to happen quickly... so I need to put on my big girl pants and find my own courage and strength.

I’m so grateful for yours and Dee’s friendship and love. God bless you both, and your whole family (people and animals alike)! MUAH! Sweet dreams!

💗

I'm apparently just documenting everything... talking to myself.
Did I tell you that I've been dizzy a lot lately. New energies coming in I think.

Dee wrote in her text:

"Hey! I just want to point out that if your crying and questioning your sanity and character....you have to realize that you're NOT the crazy one! Somebody else is. hmmm.... who might that be? Open yourself up to a Real man...not a man child."

I wrote back:

"Thank you for all your support and understanding. I need to find my own strength, and yes, be open to whatever God has for me. I can hope that Ryan will come around, but I need to respect his sovereignty and honor whatever path his soul chooses. If that's not me, I need to respect that and stop trying to force it. thank you again for being such a good friend. I love and appreciate you Dee."

Do I feel vindicated? Was this about getting people on "my side"? On some level I want that... I want support. I want people who honestly know and love Ryan and I to let me off the hook... to provide the clarity that I am lacking... I am genuinely getting twisted up. But my soul and spirit know the truth... and that is that I love Ryan... on a soul level...but Ryan has been hijacked by his unprocessed trauma (pain body) which fuels his addiction matrix (and I think porn might be his main addiction outlet right now)... but he has given himself over to that demon. He isn't fighting for us and isn't choosing love. I think he MUST sometimes. He goes against what the mean (Hyde) is saying to give me a hug and I can feel him under there... but ultimately he is a dark portal.

And I gave myself away. I denied my spirituality and interest in spirituality and consciousness so that I could be a normie like he wants to see himself as. He also has access to higher consciousness and could really align with his soul's work here and get some serious stuff done... but... he would have to choose that and I have no idea what he'll choose. I need to be with someone who is already doing the work and that wants to team up and magnify our love.

Thank you God for helping me with all of this. The pain ebbs and flows. So much crying, but I think that's because I'm finally letting go. 

Ryan said "get the fuck out"... he says it all the time. He's saying get he fuck out of his life...and I need to get the fuck back to my life. And living in fear of making him mad isn't the Way. 

I can and will talk to my friends who are his family if I feel moved to do so. I am sovereign. I didn't misrepresent him and I expressed to them how much I love him and how special I think he is. I do see how he wouldn't like it. I don't like him talking to my friends about me, but he can do what he wants to... and this is what we are doing here...relationships, learning, etc. I feel bad about it but I also really needed a friend....and they are my friends. I have to prioritize myself too. 

The Pattern App says that Ryan's and my future is aligned... so I have hope that maybe something will work out in the future if it's God's plan. If not, it was so beautiful for a moment and provided the opportunity for so much growth... and he was with me for Rue's trek over the rainbow bridge and the bringing in to our fold sweet Sunshine. 

God bless Ryan. I love him and I leave him to you. I forgive him and rest him on a cloud of divine love and prayer. Take good care of my beloved.