Wolves etc.

 DREAM:

There were lots of deer and they were running from wolves… I tried to stop the wolves and they started eating me (they eventually let me go), but I was in the back seat of a car being eaten by them and screaming for help and all these people were driving by and some in the front seat of the car and I was screaming and they wouldn’t turn around …they must not have been able to hear me.

Swallowed by mud water… I think we were sliding down in that with Ryan and Corie and family and we were trying to make the most of it…Dad… and I wanted a photo…

Wendy…trying to communicate with her and Robert to make things better…to give advice on how things could run more smoothly.

How can I not be abrasive?

Last night was another nightmare with Ryan.

He calls me horrible names. 

Everything he says is about him and he is yelling it about me… unappreciative, gaslighting, twisting words, he doesn’t listen, doesn’t let me express myself, selfish, everything is about him, etc.

He is not well and I don’t want to be in a relationship with him. But I also don’t want to be without him.

I have to figure out how to get things done though… and I’ve put him and his fragile ego in charge of my life and timing and he doesn’t do anything. He did the light over the sink two nights ago, he pulled out my slider door the night before that and cleaned the bottom (not something I needed), he DID cut a piece of wood for me (trying to make me feel guilty and it took 1 minute… I carried the wood over to him and he pulled a saw out of his car and Zzzzip. And he put some screws in that doggie door for the slider…another minute. His dad ended up doing most of the water filter thing….he built a wall…we need 3 more walls and a roof…or maybe 2 walls and a roof… and he helped…and he did something with the hot water heater and it worked for a couple days but now it doesn’t work again. I had a cold shower yesterday and will have another cold shower today. He just looks at things to yell at me about… the other day when he was working on the light, he went outside and while he was out there I was pulling a lightbulb out of the bag for him and he came back in and was screaming that I needed to get over there (1 ft away) right away (to hold the light), and I said I was just anticipating his needs and getting the lightbulb ready for him and he was just yelling like a ninny that I better jump whenever he said jump and that he shouldn’t have to wait for me. (This was literally 20-30 seconds.)

Anyway, he’s not well. And it’s making me not well.

I’m just not sure how to move forward with all I have to get done with my house. He’s left me high and dry… all I wanted was my bidet in… and chicken house door… and would be nice to have cabinet doors… and floors eventually. 

He took 10 days to put up the fence (I was with him the whole time), and another 8 days to mess around with the water (took his dad 2-3 days, I think)… and that wasn’t even the plumbing. I need to do the plumbing and septic, but before that I need front porch rails and the water closet walls! OH and washer and dryer hooked up and my stove hood put on. These are the real things. The slider door - not my project, not necessary. And he splattered bleach soft scrub all over everything with no apology. He doesn't apologize for anything... damaging walls, etc.. fine. No big deal...but to act like that too. No thank you.

I’m tired. 

I’m confused.

I’m lost.

I got a "Pattern" app notification that Ryan is halfway through his change... and I know that if he resists change it will get bad for him. This is what's happening. I don't know how he'll pop out in the end... but I am going through my own change and need to learn and roll with the punches. I need to learn how to not be controlling, how to be appreciative, ask questions, like people, be forgiving, be loving... etc. This is my lesson...focus on MY "schoolhouse of the Lord"... and if Ryan doesn't fit in there, if he's the bully at the schoolhouse that I need to learn to stand up to... then learn and let go.