What to do/say

Scary. I sent an email to myself with the response to Ryan's text but I can't find it in "sent" or "inbox"...where did it go? I guess the universe didn't want me to send it. But I do want to be intentional about answering...if I do. He sent me a text message:

I'm so sorry to hear about Burchie. 

I can help you move the hay tmrw after work. 

I'm glad you were able to analyze your msg.  It felt a little.... manipulative? But I understand.  

I've been trying to talk to you for the past two days, to no avail.  Now you want me to come over to 'help you' move something.  Smoke and mirrors. I'm certainly smart enough to see it for what it is.  Glad you are to.  And even honest about it.  Cudos. I miss you, too.  Most of you. 99% of you.  

I was trying to get a hold of you to tell you that I don't hate you.  I hate what you do sometimes.(Lies, manipulation, denial,  insane arguments based on untruths...etc.)  I look at it like a disease.  You hate the alcohol, not the alcoholic, e.g.  I know that's only a small part of who you are. (More than I can deal with, unfortunately.) You're still the great, beautiful, loving, kind, caring person I fell in love with.  That's all I wanted to tell you. 

I'm not sure how you got from recognizing, and APPRECIATING me SHOWING you, that you out right pathologically lie to my face to me being the one who, idk...has to do the work... love myself.... need help.  Whatever you were saying in your last telegram message?   Should have expected that, still bewildered. But that's for you to work out. 

Hope you're well.  Let me know if you need help with that hay.  Hope you have a great day tmrw/today!

I started to write back something like:

I am not a pathological liar. I go into a state of confusion and back-peddle to keep the peace when I feel that I have upset you. I try to justify and find an excuse that will calm you down. I struggle with co-dependency, so when you are upset, I feel it and try to mitigate it. 

If I can make a meeting today, it will be my fourth day of attending Al-Anon meetings. I feel like this is helping me see and address my shortcomings, of which there are many. Primarily right now I am giving myself away to appease you because I want you... and peace. I may have become addicted to the drama/excitement as well. I need to learn how to create safe boundaries and detach with love. I don't actually know all I need to do, but I ordered another book to help me ... "Courage to Change". I misplaced my 12-step Workbook in the move, but I'm hoping it will show up soon. I want to work the steps. 

As far as appreciating your feedback, I try to look at all opportunities to see myself with appreciation. I want to be the best version of myself I can be. I would love and prefer if you could address these challenges from a state of acceptance and grace, but this is not the reality at this time. Overall, I try to live in gratitude and know that the whole world is conspiring to help me grow and heal.  

I started to ask him how he had "tried to talk to me"... he called on Sunday and didn't leave a message. He called on Monday and didn't leave a message. He also sent me a Telegram/text on Monday to see if I needed space or was ghosting him, to which I responded with the message I shared in a previous post. Doesn't seem like he tried very hard. But I bet he was trying inside of himself. 

He just doesn't see how dysfunctional he is. None of us do. And I feel a part of that message ... the "I don't hate you, you're 99% great" part is him trying to build me up because on some level he knows that he's messed up. He isn't taking responsibility and maybe he won't ever, but I need to focus on my recovery. 

He wrote again this morning offering to do work on my house, which I am grateful for.

Yep, I want to return to "coherence". My doggies and home and trees and GOD are helping me do just that!! 

6M's:
Micromanaging 
Manipulating 
Mothering
Martyring 
Meddling

- and one more. I got this from an Al-Anon meeting... it was a good one. I may have found someone to either sponsor or guide me. She shared briefly and had lovely energy and wisdom and I plan to call her when I get out of work.

_____

What a rollercoaster. I came home from work early and Ryan was there and had been working on lights for me. He worked for the next 6 hours (it's almost 9pm now) and he got them up and working on the barn... they are incredible and I'm so happy! He was mostly cold to me much of the time but I kept trying to warm him up. 

In the end he just went crazy again....he is convinced in his mind that I'm a pathological liar and he can't deal with that. There's nothing I can do. I need to wear my Villian Crown and allow him to think that way of me and what if it's true? IT IS true on some layers... but I'm not evil or conniving... I am just a coward and don't want to upset people. That doesn't make it any better. 

So, I have to let him go. Again and again. 

___

Here's what I wrote:

Hey Ryan! Here was the response that I started writing to you this morning but didn’t want to upset you more so I didn’t send it. I feel that less words are better with you. If you could just feel your heart, you would know that I am FOR you and that I believe our union can help us both be better. 

That said, I hear you loud and clear, you aren’t interested in me anymore and it won’t work. I accept that and will move on. 

Before I go I would like to say:

I am sorry I hurt you. It was not my intention, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that I did. I compromised your safety because you were letting someone in who didn’t own what they said/did. I can see how that would feel bad and diminish your trust in me and the relationship. 

For the record, I am NOT a “pathological" liar. Unfortunately I have learned through our interactions that I DO lie. (i.e. saying that I didn’t say something and then saying I did and then saying I didn’t…etc.) I go into a state of confusion and back-peddle to keep the peace when I feel that I have upset you. I try to justify and find an excuse that will calm you down. I struggle with co-dependency, so when you are upset, I feel it and try to mitigate it. 

I’m sorry if that feels like I’m not taking ownership of my dysfunction. I promise I am. First I had to learn about it, and now I have to identify and stop it in its tracks. That’s part of the function of a relationship… to have a safe space to grow…and mess up… and heal and grow some more. I was willing to do that with you - I have been forgiving (to a fault) of absolutely unacceptable behavior and language from you, but I felt like I knew your heart and saw such potential in you and for us. I thought that if I could hold the line and just love you enough, that you would see and choose a better Way with me. 

I am not going to hold back or back-peddle now when I say that you DO have work to do…IF/when you choose to be honest with YOURSELF. You have so much anger and ego and it sure seems like you are punishing yourself and not allowing yourself to live or find genuine happiness. Vices only go so far.  You, beautiful Ryan O’Malley, have the emotional, mental, and spiritual capacity to see and feel deeply ….to enjoy rewarding and powerful experiences... but you won’t let yourself… you’d rather choose the safe road (which keeps you trapped in the tiny world/cell you create over and over for yourself). 

Today I attended my fourth Al-Anon meeting. I feel like this is helping me see and address my shortcomings, of which there are many. Primarily right now I am giving myself away to appease you because I want you... and peace. I may have become addicted to the drama/excitement as well. I need to learn how to create safe boundaries and detach with love. I don't actually know all I need to do, but I ordered another book to help me ... "Courage to Change". I misplaced my 12-step Workbook in the move, but I'm hoping it will show up soon. I want to work the steps. 

As far as appreciating your feedback, I DO. I am grateful for the opportunities to see myself in truth and I want to be the best version of myself I can be. I would love and prefer if you could address these challenges from a state of acceptance and grace, but this is not the reality at this time. Overall, I try to live in gratitude and know that the whole world is conspiring to help me grow and heal.  

I’m sorry I didn’t call you back the other day. I wanted to, but I also wanted to “detach with love”. Most of my days have been spent journaling and processing. You are the most important person to me and I didn’t want to lose you for good. Tonight I heard you loud and clear and I will let go. 

Thank you for sharing yourself with me these last 6 months. For better or for worse. I learned a ton and loved harder than I ever have before. I tried harder and learned more than ever too… it was an important experience and I will always be grateful to you for it. God bless you beloved Ryan. 

Ps. Thank you again for your work on my home. The lights tonight were a Godsend! (A Ryan-send!) 

As you know, I was hoping to share this home with you and it feels like my hopes and expectations ultimately pushed you away. It seems this was the major marker in our falling apart… I think the fact that we no longer got to sleep together and be close also damaged us. Tonight I was trying to reconcile that... to see if closeness could heal us. It didn’t work and maybe made things worse as well. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for hurting you, Ryan. I only want to help you… but that’s part of my dysfunction too, to try to “save” people…and I see your suffering (even though it sounds like you don’t)…but that’s not my job. Another thing I need to work on in Al-Anon. 

Pss. I am guessing that we are not going to be able to be friends either. I wish we could but the vitriol is pouring through your pores at me. We talked about how you said when we first met “you can do no wrong”…but now EVERYTHING I do is wrong… everything triggers you. I would still, very much, like to hire you to do work here (if you’d like/are available) and will honor your desire for me to stay away/on a different part of the property while you are working. There is no one I’d rather hire… you are the best and do the best job. I would not like to lose that (or you in that capacity), if I have a choice. (I hear that I don’t have a choice and am letting go of the hope of reconciliation or a future romantic relationship…. but please let me know what I can expect as far as a professional relationship.)  Thank you.

Psss. I love you. I always will. Go in peace, Beloved.