Lion's Gate Goodbye

Gotta say goodbye to Ryan. He is not a suitable partner. Lion's Gate 8/8 12:13am .... he was hurting me (again) ... I offered him to take me from behind...all the way behind if you know what I mean... and he was rough (as he is) and I was being hurt and I had a moment of anger and tried to push him away and said to stop fucking me like I was a guy or something like that... he was slamming me so hard in the bum and it hurt and I snapped and said that and he is butt hurt because he thinks I was calling him gay... but he doesn't "think it" like a regular person, he's taken it so deeply and he abandoned me and started ridiculing me as he does and he kicked me out as he does. I was so hurt and in pain and begging him to see me and stop what he was doing (making everything about him - he's the victim of my words. Forget the fact that I was actually the victim of sexual violence... not that that was his intention but that's what it felt like to me. And remember the time he made me bleed from this same thing and he didn't care at all...he said something like "prove it". No compassion. He said he was empathic and I believe he is which is what causes his problems... torn lightbody... addiction and dysregulation...etc.... but he shuts it down... closes his heart. And he closes it to me all the time when it suits him. He pushed me away. And I need to let him go. He is not a keeper. Unless he makes some drastic changes, he's not someone I want to be with or that I should be with. He's a selfish, egotistical, rude, porn-addicted loser. 

He was kicking me out and just kept wanting to watch porn and play with his dick. Yeah. He did that. And he locked me out. And ... forget him.

Cristy, how are you? I'm really hurt. My butt hurts and my heart hurts and I feel abandoned and neglected and abused. I was trying to gain love and it didn't go well and I have shame and feel alone. I am not a victim. I am sad. I was mad. 

Ryan is not trustworthy. He hurts me all the time. He calls me names... refers to me as bitch mostly. "Get out of my house, bitch." 

I'm done. I'm not done, that's what's so sad. But I need to be. Choose me. Choose love. This person doesn't love me. He doesn't know what love is. He does actually need Jesus in his heart. I don't know what that means...but ...yes I do. Christ. He needs to connect to his Christ-consiousness and his own God-self so that he can start listening to the voice of God...the voice of love that will help him transform and move from darkness to light. God, please open Ryan's heart. Please show him the Way. 

For me, help me to come back to ME and find peace. 

It is futile, painful, and unsafe to trust Ryan. 

It's 8/8 Lion's Gate at 12:26am and I am going to give myself a big hug and recommit to ME... to loving myself and caring for myself. I'm done with Ryan. He says it's "my drama"... but it's him... he is drawing that in. I do not choose that. I choose God. I choose life. I choose peace. And that's that. Thank you God.

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My quote that just came up. Thank you God: "He who lives in harmony with himself lives in harmony with the universe." ~Marcus Aurelius

Perfect. 

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8/8 11:05

Violating/hurting/not caring about me ... USING me... and then kicking me out when I was hurt because he also abandoned me. I had anger come up and I was hurt and I expressed it and he punished me by abandoning me, showing me no mercy and then rejecting me. No. This is not love. 

8/8/1:44

Rosemary is an angel and wise counselor. I'm grateful for her help and love. I was honest and open with her about what was going on with me and she compassionately and lovingly witnessed me and helped me to see how I was giving myself away... trading myself for Ryan's "love".... his attention ... and I saw with clarity how it is a demonic entity working through him to try to destroy me. He doesn't love me. Anyone who calls me a psycho bitch and kicks me out after hurting me... the mind games and twisting and trickery... it's not for me. It's not Ryan. He has a shredded lightbody, is stuck in addiction patterns... including porn... and only HE (and God... ) can save himself. I need to save me. I need to prioritize me. 

I can do this on my own. I will fix my house. Thank you God for your support. It's me and ME. Own it. Ryan has a long way to go and has to choose himself and choose love and choose GOD...  if and when he does, THEN he MIGHT be "safe". For now, he's not. I need to let him go. I don't even want his friendship. He's not safe. My heart, my body, my soul ...they are not safe with him because he is open for negative energies to move through...to rape and pillage my being. 

This was a Timeline Override...something to witness, thanks be to God. I am safe and well and happy! Thank you God!