There was something else I manifested and recongized today....what was it? OH! Yesterday I journaled or thought about whether I was "spiritual bypassing" and today I found a Kelly Brogan post about it from May that educated me and showed me that I was/am definitely doing that!!
New song "Light Up the Sky" by the Afters... definitely feeling like God is doing that. The signs are everywhere. That's what I was praying for for Ryan. Can I please pay attention too??
Anyway... the truth is that I don't have a lot of hope for Ryan. And I think my continual pursuit of him is a bit of spiritual bypassing... I want to be good and I don't want to give up on him.... but I have, honestly, lost lots of interest. He isn't who I thought he was. I want a strong man who will take care of/guide and look after me, that I can love and serve. "Insomnia" song... makes me think of Ryan all the time. I DO miss missing him. I miss sleeping together... but he wouldn't give of himself to sleep at my house or in my bed. That's what it all comes down to. He doesn't want to change... he wants to keep his small life. I don't want that. He is lazy about his own house... it's a mess and small and he didn't even get us a small couch to sit on together... he is all talk. (This is me too... I am being given the opportunity to change that.)
He abandons me. He uses me. He doesn't love me because he doesn't love himself. I am looking for a relationship to find meaning in...and I need to find meaning in myself. I need to love and be okay with just ME.
But I like friends and distractions and that's okay too. So can I simultaneously date and work on myself? Absolutely! Can I date Ryan and work on myself? Absolutely! It's in ME... I just glommed on to "my soulmate", "I want to be with him forever!!"... it's to much pressure (for both of us).
I need to reel it in... and "detach with love"... I need to save that undying commitment, service, and love for ME.
We both have unhealthy habits ... and I think he's got a porn problem... he's been programmed with that... and there is a lot of mental shrapnel that comes through that stuff. Not to mention his lack of wanting to eat and live (and breathe) health. He wants to sleep his life and days away... not motivated... it's a heavy load of miasma...but he will work through it... just maybe not in this life and not with me. So I need to move forward. I want someone alive, fun, and most importantly, that LIKES me...and is interested in sharing thoughts, conversation, and life. He likes that I did things for him... but I liked what I found that first day on our walk at Falls Lake. He said he liked to hike... why don't we do that? I have so many animals to walk...why don't we walk and live and laugh and love??
He probably WANTS to want to do it... but the dang miasma... it's a black sludge that is trapping him.
He probably WANTS to want to do it... but the dang miasma... it's a black sludge that is trapping him.
Focus on ME. What is my sludge? Addiction to Ryan. Spiritual bypassing. Who am I? A free-spirit who is connected to God-spirit who is teaching me... so much to explore. Right. I'm a consciousness explorer... and I AM...so great. I love me and I love my life and I need to just sit with the lonliness which comes from inside me. Feel it all. Be with what is. Thank you God.
It also feels bad being rejected. Ryan's non-acceptance of me and my spirituality and/or all the stuff that turns him off. He twists it and makes it like it defines me. Like somehow it came up about that conspiracy theory about Hilary Clinton wearing a child's face and I told him I might believe it... I might. I have no idea.Those documentaries were eye-opening... there is so much that could possibly go on...but I don't KNOW or define myself by it. It's not me or something I even really care about, but just something I consider. Anyway, the fact that HE defines me by it and PINS it to me feels bad.
We should just be friends. But my body and soul love him.
Did I tell you that I've been dizzy a lot lately. And spleen pain. And bottom center tooth pain.
Did I tell you that I've been dizzy a lot lately. And spleen pain. And bottom center tooth pain.
My AG pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Coherent_Systems
"Each functioning part of a system has a behavior and interrelationship to other parts of that system. How well a part functions, will have an impact on other functioning parts in that system. So clearly, if one part is not functioning well, it will impair other parts of that system from functioning well. When there is a breakdown in that subsystem, this effectively means that there is a lack of coherence present in the overall system of energy. If the Coherence is unable to be restored back into Energetic Balance to correspond with the larger whole, that source of the lack of coherence will be extracted or removed in order to restore harmonious functioning to the entire system. If that source of disharmony spreading lack of coherence is not extracted or corrected, the system may suffer collapse."
Whoa... suuuper relevant to Ryan situation.
"Coherence is the main principle used to describe the synchronistic harmonizing of energetic properties that occur naturally within any living system, to support the integration of that grouping of energy. The properties of coherence are the result of Universal Laws, which apply to all systems of living things. In human systems this impacts all of the functioning parts, thus impacting the functions of the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual layers. Therefore, if we truly follow the practices of the Universal Laws, practicing the guidelines of the Law of One, the eventual result of that practice will be energetic Coherence. If we lose coherence within one of the four body system levels, it will affect all other links in the interconnected chain, and this will be experienced as a lack of coherence, which generates an energetic drain or blockage in the system. A system is coherent when each of its working components is beneficial, which is supporting the growth or function of the entire system. A system lacks coherence when one or more of its working components has a detrimental effect, which blocks the growth or function of the entire system."
Yeah... we and ME...are out of coherence... have lost coherence. His demons (and mine) are doing this on purpose.
Feel more into "spiritual bypassing", and "coherence" and "al-anon".... these will help me heal.
____
Yep, super addicted and obsessed with Ryan. Today I've checked my phone probably 10 times to see if he checked his messages and/or wrote to me.
___
8:29 - it is a sickness that I am sitting here hoping Ryan will come around. He's not going to come to his senses anytime soon. I trigger the HECK out of him. Everything I do and say triggers him. I am not good for him right now. And unless he gets himself together, I never will be. Maybe I never will be anyway. My presence draws him UP... to be better and stronger. His does to me too, but I am choosing to do the work. I want to grow and heal. Thank you God for this opportunity.
I texted him tonight and shouldn't have. Burchie died today and I had to bury him by myself which was really hard... but I was strong, thanks be to God. But it was sad. And there is a hurricane coming tomorrow and Sioux needs hay and so I asked for his help...but I shouldn't have. I'll recount those texts another time. Right now I'm going to watch TV and eat wings.
I texted him tonight and shouldn't have. Burchie died today and I had to bury him by myself which was really hard... but I was strong, thanks be to God. But it was sad. And there is a hurricane coming tomorrow and Sioux needs hay and so I asked for his help...but I shouldn't have. I'll recount those texts another time. Right now I'm going to watch TV and eat wings.
Okay, I said at 18:28:
"I just had to bury Burchie. 🐓💔😭 Would you be willing to help me roll Sioux's round bale to her?"
"I just had to bury Burchie. 🐓💔😭 Would you be willing to help me roll Sioux's round bale to her?"
at 19:42 I said "I'm sorry I asked. I miss you."
Then "I'm sorry I asked because I don't want you to think I just like you for your muscles. I DO like them, ha, but that's not all. I didn't want to put any inkling of "ask" on you...physically or emotionally...but I did in just those two little sentences. (Burchie = emotional ask, Sioux = physical ask)... that's what I'm sorry about. I also put an energetic - something - cord maybe? - on you by sharing that I miss you. So... yeah, I'm a mess. I'm sorry. I hope you are well. I sent you some information about yourself in Telegrm in case that is interesting to you. You are a really special and beautiful man. Stay safe!"
29/9:29 "Part Problem" - Nahko. Perfect.
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=rwtpMtYZnk4&si=3rdxAKQ3poiHVHoF
29/9:29 "Part Problem" - Nahko. Perfect.
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=rwtpMtYZnk4&si=3rdxAKQ3poiHVHoF
I just went back and looked at Ryan's and my old Telegram messages.... he used to be SO SWEET. So thoughtful and kind. It was ...he was... better when he was getting laid and when we were sleeping together. When I got this house and we started sleeping separately it really started to get bad. I think he must have felt the pull/responsibility to have to give/sleep with me here... and he didn't want to do that. If he doesn't want to grow, there's nothing I can do. And I can't stay small just to keep him, especially someone as abusive as him.
Nahko's "Enough" came on too. Also very on point.
I miss what we had, but I maybe just need to be grateful for what was and thank God and learn from it and then BE HERE NOW. Be where I AM and where WE ARE, which is in a place of division. God bless Ryan. God, please open his heart and show him the Way.
Nahko's "Enough" came on too. Also very on point.
I miss what we had, but I maybe just need to be grateful for what was and thank God and learn from it and then BE HERE NOW. Be where I AM and where WE ARE, which is in a place of division. God bless Ryan. God, please open his heart and show him the Way.
And please give me strength and clarity to take care of myself and do the right thing... work hard, take care of my responsibilities, love on my animals and follow my heart. What I have going on with Ryan, this obsession, almost, is not healthy. God, I surrender. I release him. May it be so.
(I didn't do it. I am still clinging and hoping.)
(I didn't do it. I am still clinging and hoping.)
___
29/10:10
I have to let HIM pursue ME... to be the man... IF he WANTS to. I'm too wilful and controlling. Just wait.
I have to let HIM pursue ME... to be the man... IF he WANTS to. I'm too wilful and controlling. Just wait.
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