I think I need to wait through the weekend and see if he contacts me. I need to not contact him. I want to... I keep almost impulsively doing that but that is not respectful of his decision.
He took his card/gift cards and I noticed he took his laundry stuff. Seems like he is cutting ties. He can just write someone off. It hurts but I have to just trust God and the process. I can send love and rainbows Ryan's way and pray for him, but he is the one who has to choose what he wants.
I told my parents what was going on today and as I was sharing that Ryan doesn't like anything about me...not the way I smell, look, act, breathe, talk (button), dress, eyebrows, etc... anything... it hit me....he just doesn't like ME. And they said that I should be with someone who likes me for me and that makes me feel good about myself. Someone else said that too recently and it's true... Rosemary...yeah... and it's true. I want to be with someone that likes me. I said, and it's true, I have a lot of love to give. I want to give love and be loved in return.
My new job exposes me to so many wonderful people. I just need to be with them... new friends... be kind and loving and work hard. Practice discipline and diligence and patience and kindness.
It would be nice to be friends with Ryan...but I don't actually like a lot about him either... he's mean, he smokes like a chimney, he drives like an asshole (sometimes), he'll sleep half the day away, he is two-faced and fake ("hey hey Poppy!" after cursing under his breath), doesn't like people, is a dry drunk - so much unresolved trauma, is a porn addict, puts himself first all the time (didn't care about making me bleed with anal sex and slamming me and hurting me.... and didn't care about damaging my throat with his deep throat stuff and making me literally vomit), wanted me to be a prostitute for his help/work with my house, never slept at my house (slept until 6am one day....ONE... after 5 months), doesn't talk to his sister who has been his biggest cheerleader and supporter his whole life, ego the size of Texas (covering insecurity the size of Brazil).
He's the most handsome man I've ever known. I love his heart/soul (or my idealistic view of it). My body responds to him like no other. (Though he never took the time or had the inclination to meld with me...it made him hostile when he felt I wanted to "make love"....he didn't want to invest in getting me there.) I love his penis. I love the uncircumcisedness of it... and "docking"! Fun!! And he was a perfect size for me. I never really liked his car... but I liked that he liked it. We may just not be right for each other. We're not. We could be? I don't know. I want to go to Ireland with him and heal and explore Celtic codes, etc. But he may not be the one. Jeff isn't the one either. Doesn't feel like it. Feels like Ryan is the ONE... if he will choose life, love, and healing....God can and will decide.... and I'm so idealistic. But it would be best to end up with someone humble, kind, generous, hard-working, and someone that loves me. A nice farmer maybe? Someone who loves and respects the earth and other people. That likes to travel and most importantly, someone that loves ME.
Ryan doesn't love himself. He certainly can't love me.
I do love myself but need to SHOW it. I ate poorly tonight again. I need to take care of my body. I need to do low-carb/carnivore and maybe include the "cheat day" once a week to get crap out of my system. But I feel sooooo much better when I don't eat CRAP. (So many chocolate chip cookies and I got a sandwich from Wendys AFTER eating at the "Recovery Alive".... just dysfunctional.)
Choose ME. LOVE ME.
Moses and I heard some creatures... maybe a coyote?? last night in the middle of the night. I need to get Sioux's barn light up.
My new job exposes me to so many wonderful people. I just need to be with them... new friends... be kind and loving and work hard. Practice discipline and diligence and patience and kindness.
It would be nice to be friends with Ryan...but I don't actually like a lot about him either... he's mean, he smokes like a chimney, he drives like an asshole (sometimes), he'll sleep half the day away, he is two-faced and fake ("hey hey Poppy!" after cursing under his breath), doesn't like people, is a dry drunk - so much unresolved trauma, is a porn addict, puts himself first all the time (didn't care about making me bleed with anal sex and slamming me and hurting me.... and didn't care about damaging my throat with his deep throat stuff and making me literally vomit), wanted me to be a prostitute for his help/work with my house, never slept at my house (slept until 6am one day....ONE... after 5 months), doesn't talk to his sister who has been his biggest cheerleader and supporter his whole life, ego the size of Texas (covering insecurity the size of Brazil).
He's the most handsome man I've ever known. I love his heart/soul (or my idealistic view of it). My body responds to him like no other. (Though he never took the time or had the inclination to meld with me...it made him hostile when he felt I wanted to "make love"....he didn't want to invest in getting me there.) I love his penis. I love the uncircumcisedness of it... and "docking"! Fun!! And he was a perfect size for me. I never really liked his car... but I liked that he liked it. We may just not be right for each other. We're not. We could be? I don't know. I want to go to Ireland with him and heal and explore Celtic codes, etc. But he may not be the one. Jeff isn't the one either. Doesn't feel like it. Feels like Ryan is the ONE... if he will choose life, love, and healing....God can and will decide.... and I'm so idealistic. But it would be best to end up with someone humble, kind, generous, hard-working, and someone that loves me. A nice farmer maybe? Someone who loves and respects the earth and other people. That likes to travel and most importantly, someone that loves ME.
Ryan doesn't love himself. He certainly can't love me.
I do love myself but need to SHOW it. I ate poorly tonight again. I need to take care of my body. I need to do low-carb/carnivore and maybe include the "cheat day" once a week to get crap out of my system. But I feel sooooo much better when I don't eat CRAP. (So many chocolate chip cookies and I got a sandwich from Wendys AFTER eating at the "Recovery Alive".... just dysfunctional.)
Choose ME. LOVE ME.
Moses and I heard some creatures... maybe a coyote?? last night in the middle of the night. I need to get Sioux's barn light up.
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